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Author Topic: Crazy People Are Better in Bed  (Read 9495 times)
WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #60 on: December 22, 2010, 04:26:45 PM »

I guess I have to chime in and ask... what does Better In Bed mean anyway? We have our own definition of it. I think it can be summed up as meaning do they satisfy us more? There are some that like sexual gymnastics in the bedroom, some don't. I think the answer is very subjective.
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« Reply #61 on: December 22, 2010, 04:39:16 PM »

Responding to the original thread:

   Let us for instance, try to define "Lovemaking"  and "hit_ing".  The difference may help us understand grimalkin's original question.

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« Reply #62 on: December 22, 2010, 06:14:15 PM »

Responding to the original thread:

   Let us for instance, try to define "Lovemaking"  and "ing".  The difference may help us understand grimalkin's original question.

Well, in my relationship with my exBP, they were one and the same.  It was awesome on every level.

Grim
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« Reply #63 on: December 22, 2010, 06:43:53 PM »

For most of the 7 year r/s the sex was amazing but for quite a while before the end of the r/s it became less so but turned into an addiction and that addiction happened because emotionally I knew that it was the only connection we had to each other and I was trying to hold onto her,caught in the fog and she used it to her advantage brilliantly.

What Ive just said is a very basic explanation and the subject is much deeper than this but basically thats how it was.

We rarely went anywhere together,didnt have the same friends,werent involved with each others families and she made sure of all this.

So when she visited the sex was explosive but for a long time she only came to see me when she was in between lovers and I was too weak to resist her and she knew it.

She will never darken my door again.

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« Reply #64 on: December 22, 2010, 08:24:37 PM »

Grimalkin:  Just as a mental exercise:  Please tell me what you think the difference is between these two.  I do not mean you to define as to your own personal relationship, just what you believe is the difference.  Please understand that there is a reason that I ask and as you begin to define these, it is my belief that the reason will dawn upon you... .trust me darling... .I wouldn't knowingly ask a hurtful question. 

x

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« Reply #65 on: December 22, 2010, 09:08:01 PM »

Grimalkin:  Just as a mental exercise:  Please tell me what you think the difference is between these two.  I do not mean you to define as to your own personal relationship, just what you believe is the difference.  Please understand that there is a reason that I ask and as you begin to define these, it is my belief that the reason will dawn upon you... .trust me darling... .I wouldn't knowingly ask a hurtful question.  

x

Well, nothing has to dawn on me-- I do know that there are many, many different sexual styles.  Each person has their own, actually, and they can perform a "variation on a theme" with different people, if you get what I'm saying.

The original query was whether disordered people are better in bed.  You can take that to mean EITHER lovemaking or f***ing.  I left it up to other posters to interpret as they will.  The two are not mutually exclusive, as my relationship with my exBP exemplifies.  It was fantastic across the spectrum-- technically and emotionally.

I've f***ed without making love, but I've never made love without f***ing.  I hate to say it, and I realize it sounds really flippant, but that's just how I roll.

Grim
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« Reply #66 on: December 22, 2010, 09:23:21 PM »

I guess I have to chime in and ask... what does Better In Bed mean anyway? We have our own definition of it. I think it can be summed up as meaning do they satisfy us more? There are some that like sexual gymnastics in the bedroom, some don't. I think the answer is very subjective.

The original header was actually meant to prompt exactly that question-- what is good sex?

I personally think it is technical skill partnered with emotional intensity.  Not everyone feels that way.  I'm not judging anyone's opinion.  I did mean to suggest that disordered people put a LOT into sex.  It's a broad statement, that can be interpreted anyway you like.  Maybe it's just a high sex drive.  Who knows.  It seems that sex is a HUGE issue for pwBPD, and, judging from this board, the majority of them get validation from performing well.  Sex is such a basic drive that I offer that for disordered people with iffy boundaries and low impulse control sex is a major part of who they are.

THAT is why I offer that disordered people are better in bed. 

Again, it seems odd that more people aren't with me on this one.  There is actually a thread going RIGHT NOW with the header "Why is the sex so good?"  There is always, always some thread or another on this subject.  Am I making it too impersonal?  That was the point.  To see the sex more objectively, even if it was the most emotionally enriching experience you've ever had in your life.  What is it about these people that makes them so good?

Grim

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« Reply #67 on: December 22, 2010, 10:34:32 PM »

Yes, sex is a big part of a bp's life,some are hypersexual like my ex and some just have normal sex drives but are very into it when its happening.

I have said this in other threads on the subject and I think their sexual prowess and passion comes from their own emotional intensity.

When they are havng sex it validates them,makes them feel accepted,loved etc but its only while the sex is happening and its only about them not you and afterwards they can be very detatched,distant because they got what they wanted from you.

Deep within their minds its also about control and over time sex is used to punish or reward, imho.
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« Reply #68 on: December 22, 2010, 10:49:05 PM »

Yes, sex is a big part of a bp's life,some are hypersexual like my ex and some just have normal sex drives but are very into it when its happening.

I have said this in other threads on the subject and I think their sexual prowess and passion comes from their own emotional intensity.

When they are havng sex it validates them,makes them feel accepted,loved etc but its only while the sex is happening and its only about them not you and afterwards they can be very detatched,distant because they got what they wanted from you.

Deep within their minds its also about control and over time sex is used to punish or reward, imho.

Not true for every BP.  Mine would feel very close to me before, during and after sex-- he would even cuddle and giggle afterwards, recounting how awesome it was.  He really did love me, and had my sexual interests in mind even before his-- I'm never going to be swayed on that.  He just had other problems that had nothing to do with me that caused the relationship to disintegrate and prompted my departure.

Grim
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« Reply #69 on: December 23, 2010, 04:19:11 AM »

A hint of danger?  Again, a lack of inhibition?  Being "present" in the moment?  Emotional intensity?  Maybe their own completely messed up lack of boundaries?  All of the above?

Grim

I would agree with this.  My BPDw called me a prude when we first started having sex, and I'm a guy!  She was somewhat manic with sex and do things with and to me that helped get me addicted, get me hooked.  BJ's in parking lots, watching girl on girl porn (her dvd) while we were having sex.  It all made me feel special, alive and excited. 

It was very intense, and I admit I miss it.  It changed though.  Once I committed, we got married and after a few months, it all changed.  Now she is just a mean, insulting, hit_.  I can't do anything right.  I coulnd't wait to get her out of my house, and then I missed her.  I really missed the good side of her, which was not present anymore.  SHe is truly a disordered hit_.  People can't believe ths stuff she has said and done to me.  I deserve better.
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« Reply #70 on: December 23, 2010, 05:27:27 AM »

Grim

I didnt say it was true for all bp's,perhaps I sounded as if I was generalising, Ive read enough posts on here and been through enough therapy to know its not the same story all over.

All I can say is that with  my ex,my experience, was that from day one there was no after sex intimacy,it was like ''Ive mowed the lawn now lets put the mower in the shed'' meaning any emotional connection she might have felt during sex was immediately dismissed as soon as it was over.

There were many times when she would be at my house and an argument would happen,she would sometimes rage at me,call me all kinds of things,blame me for everything and eventually I would tell her to leave and when she got to the front door she would do the sexy siren thing and we would be back in bed,because I was too weak to resist her, and later she acted as if none of the abuse happened and if I brought it up I was told I was a weak man who couldnt handle reality.

Sex for a bp is about them and their needs and control,she has actually admitted that to me in the past,she is very aware of what she does,she's been doing it for so long how could she not be aware but she simply doesnt care as long as she gets what her twisted emotional dysregulation gets what it needs,no matter what. 
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« Reply #71 on: December 23, 2010, 05:40:51 AM »

What's weird is my BPDw would send me really sexy texts with very graphic sexual content telling me what she was going to do to me sexually.  Very descriptive, detailed, sexual content.  Of course I thought it was great and then we would get together we would act out these fantasies together.  When I travelled for business, she would call me and we'd have phone sex which is something I had never done before.  I could make her orgasm over the phone and she would sometimes say the most submissive things to me.

When we first met she asked me if I just wanted to be f**k buddies.  That should have been a big Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) .  When we were first dating and I went on a business trip she asked me to go down to the bar, pick up a woman and f**k her (other woman) with my cell phone on so she could hear us having sex.  Another Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) .  Then she wanted me to choke her during sex, which of course I refused.  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   But it was all a bit exciting.  I had never been with a woman so sexual before and yes, so crazy about sex.  I was drawn to the disorder I think.  It excited me.

She was obsessed with my bodily fluids, and would talk about what she would do with it in a little girl voice, again with the submissive tone.  Her father committed suicide when she was young and since I am 18 years older, I often felt like she was looking for a father figure.  Wanting to love him, then out of anger (she has a violent temper) raging at him (me) for what he had done to her. 

The more I talk about this the more I realize what I am dealing with.  Wow. 

One more thing.  After being with her for about six months she quit her job, and didn't tell me.  She went of a clothes buying spree and went through all her savings.  I think she quit her job because she assumed I was going to move her in with me which I didn't do.  I wasn't ready.  She then got another job and said to me, "since I am working, I may be tired at night so the sex is not going to be the same sometimes."  I would often pay her rent and some other expenses.  She demanded it, and since I loved her (or thought so) I complied. 

Madness. 
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« Reply #72 on: December 23, 2010, 05:58:58 AM »

There is such a wide range of experiences here that generalizations are hard to make.  One commonality we do see here is that when the sex is something we can't let go of, it's because of a huge element of fanasy without much substance elsewhere in the relationship.  Another commonality is that when it's nonexistent or emotionless, it's because there are serious intimacy issues in the relationship and/or the partner is in pain from past abuse.

That said, I think it's really important to remember we are dealing with individual partners and relationships.  Every person is different, and every relationship is different.  Grimalkin, maybe your ex was just a really good lover, and you two had great chemistry and your relationship wasn't built to last because of other issues.  His BPD doesn't have to be the reason why he was a good lover - maybe he's a good lover who also has a disorder.

Not sure if that makes sense  ;p
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« Reply #73 on: December 23, 2010, 06:04:51 AM »

That said, I think it's really important to remember we are dealing with individual partners and relationships.  Every person is different, and every relationship is different.  Grimalkin, maybe your ex was just a really good lover, and you two had great chemistry and your relationship wasn't built to last because of other issues.  His BPD doesn't have to be the reason why he was a good lover - maybe he's a good lover who also has a disorder.

Not sure if that makes sense  ;p

I think the manic craziness, and lack of boundaries enables more uninhibited sex.  Since they are disordered, its more exciting because they will do and say things other people wouldn't. 
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« Reply #74 on: December 23, 2010, 08:14:00 AM »

I have been saying for years sex with someone a little crazy is always better. Now that is not to say you should actually get involved with them either which is what we are fell trapped into. Crazy or disfunctional people don't have the same things to offer that a non does in terms of a sharing lasting and healthy functioning relationship. Mine ex seemed to always want sex after a big fight or rage just to make themselves feel better. Sometimes I actually think they just craved make-up sex. They have looks and sexuality to make themselves feel better internally and is more than likely the only way they can connect with a partner and feel good about themselves.

My exBPDgf was the best sex I have had and it was frequent and the norm. It wasn't porn sex but very intense staring in the eyes pleasuring each other type of sex ending most times with but climaxing O together... .She wouldn't turn down sex even to punish and neither would I. Once they feel they don't love or need you anymore is when the tap is turned off i found. It is the only thing they can give to another at least in their heads. Call it sexual healing to quote Marvin Gay. I thought mine was so much more but in the end she followed suit with most of yours and wasn't much more than dating and having sex with a porn star in terms of relationship. Trying to wrap your head around leaving the craziness of the relationship in comparison to the very passionate and intimate sexual climate they surround and just how that makes you feel overall. I couldn't bring my ex to a dinner party or around friends/family, my work... .but i sure could have great sex everynight but is that truly a relationship in the end. I am thinking we both were selfish and it took time away to realize that. My guess is hell no and I just need to find an overall view rather than just the intimacy we both craved from each other. Love was never meant to be just sex and a way to hold two people together that probably should have walked away long before the dance started.
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« Reply #75 on: December 23, 2010, 08:29:53 AM »

Canucky,

Very well said. 

I am really impressed with the intelligence, clarity, articulate manner and kindness from everyone here.  Very impressed.
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« Reply #76 on: December 23, 2010, 10:19:07 AM »

It seems that sex is a HUGE issue for pwBPD, and, judging from this board, the majority of them get validation from performing well.  Sex is such a basic drive that I offer that for disordered people with iffy boundaries and low impulse control sex is a major part of who they are.

I agree, and I think the survival instinct plays a big role. They don't do well being alone and what better way to draw somebody into their life than awesome bedroom performances?
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« Reply #77 on: December 23, 2010, 10:22:05 AM »

I agree, and I think the survival instinct plays a big role. They don't do well being alone and what better way to draw somebody into their life than awesome bedroom performances?

Yes, but what's weird is once you commit and they have you, they don't want you anymore and make your life a living hell.  I MARRIED this woman after she DEMANDED I do so, claiming the security would help our r/s.  It was good for about a month or two after we were married then bang the games begin again. 

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« Reply #78 on: December 23, 2010, 10:41:59 AM »

Not true for every BP.  Mine would feel very close to me before, during and after sex-- he would even cuddle and giggle afterwards, recounting how awesome it was.  He really did love me, and had my sexual interests in mind even before his-- I'm never going to be swayed on that.

This doesn't fit with my knowledge/understanding of a pwBPD.  I don't recall if you said he was diagnosed or not.  In any case, if he was on the crazier end of the spectrum, I would think the less likely the above would apply.  So maybe it's more like... . people who are a little bit crazy (and care about your satisfaction, and are good technically, and have emotional intensity) are good in bed - whereas those who don't possess those traits, or are super crazy - may or may not be (but most likely not).

Personally, I've never met a person with PD traits who had the capability for something that's very important to me when making love: true/authentic emotional connection.

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« Reply #79 on: December 23, 2010, 11:49:56 AM »

There is such a wide range of experiences here that generalizations are hard to make.  One commonality we do see here is that when the sex is something we can't let go of, it's because of a huge element of fanasy without much substance elsewhere in the relationship.  Another commonality is that when it's nonexistent or emotionless, it's because there are serious intimacy issues in the relationship and/or the partner is in pain from past abuse.

That said, I think it's really important to remember we are dealing with individual partners and relationships.  Every person is different, and every relationship is different.  Grimalkin, maybe your ex was just a really good lover, and you two had great chemistry and your relationship wasn't built to last because of other issues.  His BPD doesn't have to be the reason why he was a good lover - maybe he's a good lover who also has a disorder.

Not sure if that makes sense  ;p

It does-- gives me something to think about.

Grim
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« Reply #80 on: December 23, 2010, 12:01:45 PM »

Not true for every BP.  Mine would feel very close to me before, during and after sex-- he would even cuddle and giggle afterwards, recounting how awesome it was.  He really did love me, and had my sexual interests in mind even before his-- I'm never going to be swayed on that.

This doesn't fit with my knowledge/understanding of a pwBPD.  I don't recall if you said he was diagnosed or not.  In any case, if he was on the crazier end of the spectrum, I would think the less likely the above would apply.  So maybe it's more like... . people who are a little bit crazy (and care about your satisfaction, and are good technically, and have emotional intensity) are good in bed - whereas those who don't possess those traits, or are super crazy - may or may not be (but most likely not).

Personally, I've never met a person with PD traits who had the capability for something that's very important to me when making love: true/authentic emotional connection.

He was never formally diagnosed, but he exhibited 8 of the 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD while I was dating him, including paranoid ideation, splitting and black and white thinking.  In the past he's exhibited 9 for 9, including self harm and suicidal ideation.  I'm pretty convinced he has it.  His arguing style also fits: deflection, blame, crazy accusations, blackmail, etc.  He was very loving sometimes and actually quite emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive, so I've also wondered if he didn't have DID.

Grim
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« Reply #81 on: December 23, 2010, 12:25:34 PM »

There is such a wide range of experiences here that generalizations are hard to make.  One commonality we do see here is that when the sex is something we can't let go of, it's because of a huge element of fanasy without much substance elsewhere in the relationship.  Another commonality is that when it's nonexistent or emotionless, it's because there are serious intimacy issues in the relationship and/or the partner is in pain from past abuse.

That said, I think it's really important to remember we are dealing with individual partners and relationships.  Every person is different, and every relationship is different.  Grimalkin, maybe your ex was just a really good lover, and you two had great chemistry and your relationship wasn't built to last because of other issues.  His BPD doesn't have to be the reason why he was a good lover - maybe he's a good lover who also has a disorder.

Not sure if that makes sense  ;p

It does-- gives me something to think about.

Grim

Actually, I still think his disorder made him a better lover.  He was technically fantastic to begin with, plus we had great chemistry, but I think the level of emotional bonding and the fact that he seemed to want to do EVERY conceivable thing to me and with me all at once was in no small way the result of being BPDed.  Lack of inhibition, shaky boundaries-- all of it was fine with me, though.

Sadly he too started losing interest about halfway through the relationship and things got very vanilla.  I was dumbfounded.  The change was so unexpected.  This was the same time he started finding fault with me and spending more and more time being angry at me.  I hadn't changed.  It was all him.

Grim
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« Reply #82 on: December 23, 2010, 12:33:39 PM »

 Grimalkin, it's time to lock this thread.

If you want to start a related thread, perhaps following up on the thoughts in your last  reply here, please feel free to do so!
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