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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Humiliating them  (Read 14799 times)
BillP
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« on: December 24, 2010, 08:46:40 PM »

I've been chatting with a few friends about a mistake a made with my exBPD. I will always be remorseful for it. I posted some very private information about the ex on my f/b page a few months ago. I know why I did it, but it was wrong of me to lay the details out there in such a public forum. What I'm wondering is what I've been discussing with some ppl.

Is it possible to humiliate ppl with this illness? I did that with the intention of making sure the ex will never come around. Some folks have said, no, that won't phase her at all. Some have said, yup, embarassing her will most definitely drive her away once and for all. I'm just looking for a broader perspective on this issue.

On a side note, and believe it or not, I actually got a chuckle out of this. I joined a dating site a few months ago, well, when checking my emails the other night (lunar eclipse), I get a notification that I have a new match for me. Take a freakin' wild guess who it is... .yup! Can you believe that? haha  Of course, in her profile, she takes a shot at me, but so what. I thought is was pretty funny. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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RedDevil66
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« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2010, 09:31:09 PM »

Well my ex, CANNOT be humiliated!

When I caught him cheating with a married women with 3 kids, I told his Mom, his sister in law his cousin and his friend. My therapist told me to expose him.

Well they all knew, and yet this married pig still posted on his FB page once everyone knew. He would keep her posts for a few days then delete them. She would post "you are so hot"" on his pics and he didn't delete those. And everyone I told, are all on his FB!

His sister on law told me he was a good man! So he has them all convinced he's a super star!

When I found out he was actually MASTURBATING in the same bed he shared with his son, he never once told me "Please do not tell anyone"

When he pushed me once and I hit my head, he never once told me not to tell anyone. When I told him I told my family, he seemed ok with it.

He's a robot and so callous, I think these people feel NOTHING! Well cept hate!
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BillP
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« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2010, 12:21:09 AM »

RedDevil66, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I know that it's hard for us non's to deal with or understand their emotional (if you want to call it that) issues, that they feel. I am 99.9% comfotable with knowing that the humiliation I have caused will not bring her back my way.

Are you embarassed by anything you had done to expose your ex. These ppl are just plain sick/ill. I get it! But, the fact that they get to walk amongst us with no fear or reprisal is astonishing to me. Their lack of feeeling for us is unbelievable. I really think that humiliating the ex, as saddening to me to do that, may be the only way to confront them, or at least let the world know who they really are.

I welcome all thoughts.
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SunflowerFields
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« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2010, 02:16:40 AM »

I completely understand how you feel. The sheer callousness of their actions and/or complete disregard for our feelings can make us do things that we would have never done under normal circumstances. As loathesome as some of our actions may be in response and in normal circumstances, I agree with you that it is the only response that sometimes may seem just.

I am guilty of doing a couple of things I am not too proud of and that I would have never crossed my mind under normal circumstances. In the end, my sheer tolerance and being understanding of him just burst. I was DONE being understanding. The amount of pain his actions have caused me have been inhumane.

He lied to me about some arrangements being made for a social arrangement with friend of his. I asked him several times to clarify and gave him multiple opportunities to redeem himself. He didn't. I was done being lied to. So I emailed his friend in a friendly email, cc'd him, basically saying, "sorry our plans didn't work out" - with details exBF provided me. To anyone else, this was just a nice, friendly email. But now he was exposed - and went livid. I was done being constantly lied to.

At the end, I did not hide the fact that there were other people in my life who were interested in me. For 2 years, it was ok for him to have a double life and I was supposed to be ok with it; and now, I was STILL supposed to be ok with him dragging it on as a fallback plan. Well, I wasn't anymore. He never seemed to understand how much his situation hurt me, but now suddenly having a whiff of his own medicine was like administering a poison pill. Hypocracy.

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« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2010, 06:11:48 AM »

At the end, I did not hide the fact that there were other people in my life who were interested in me. For 2 years, it was ok for him to have a double life and I was supposed to be ok with it; and now, I was STILL supposed to be ok with him dragging it on as a fallback plan. Well, I wasn't anymore. He never seemed to understand how much his situation hurt me, but now suddenly having a whiff of his own medicine was like administering a poison pill. Hypocracy.

Just yur typical bully.  Can dish it out but can't take it.  Plain and simple.
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« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2010, 06:59:15 AM »

He's a robot and so callous, I think these people feel NOTHING! Well cept hate!

Sounds like he may have some N traits too.

So BillP I was a bit confused why you were asking this question.  :)o you want to humiliate her?  :)o you want her not to come back?  I'm just not sure from your post how such an answer would help.

pwBPD very much can be humiliated, feel shame, etc.  They are still people after all - they just have a mental illness that negatively affects their relationships (among other things).  Some will come back after that, some won't.  Similar to the differences in other individuals.

I found the best way for me to get over my ex was to focus on myself, not try to figure her out more / understand everything that happened (sure some is needed but not all), and be happy by looking forward to better things.

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ve01603
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« Reply #6 on: December 26, 2010, 07:49:43 AM »

He's a robot and so callous, I think these people feel NOTHING! Well cept hate!

Sounds like he may have some N traits too.

So BillP I was a bit confused why you were asking this question.  :)o you want to humiliate her?  :)o you want her not to come back?  I'm just not sure from your post how such an answer would help.

pwBPD very much can be humiliated, feel shame, etc.  They are still people after all - they just have a mental illness that negatively affects their relationships (among other things).  Some will come back after that, some won't.  Similar to the differences in other individuals.

I found the best way for me to get over my ex was to focus on myself, not try to figure her out more / understand everything that happened (sure some is needed but not all), and be happy by looking forward to better things.

That's the key.
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BillP
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« Reply #7 on: December 26, 2010, 07:53:36 AM »

So BillP I was a bit confused why you were asking this question.  Do you want to humiliate her?  Do you want her not to come back?  I'm just not sure from your post how such an answer would help.

Initially I did want to humiliate. The thought was, if I embarass her, she'll never come back. At this point, I am just curious about whether they do get humiliated or just callous, and don't care what others may say do or think about them.

And I am staying focused on myself. Lost 52lbs. since I moved out of the House of Horrors. I've completed all of my online studyaing & training courses. And i'm gearing up for the classes & courses next year that will allow me to have the life I want to have.
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« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2010, 07:59:17 AM »

My BPDw had a literal meltdown over thinking I was with another woman.  She heard my female T's voice in the background when I was on the phone with her and just starting one of my sessions.  I told her I had to hang up, and did.  I called her back later and she didn't believe it was my T.  She went nuts for a week at her mom's, even going so far as to text me saying it was her aunt and that something terrible had happened.  My previous wife had committed suicide so she was trying to get me to think she had, obviously to "get back at me" for being with another woman.  Eventually she believed it was my T, then raged at me for seeing her as she had forbidden me to see her anymore.  
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T2H
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« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2010, 08:01:34 AM »

Excerpt
And I am staying focused on myself. Lost 52lbs. since I moved out of the House of Horrors. I've completed all of my online studyaing & training courses. And i'm gearing up for the classes & courses next year that will allow me to have the life I want to have.

Cool - congrats!

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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RedDevil66
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« Reply #10 on: December 26, 2010, 08:04:44 AM »

RedDevil66, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I know that it's hard for us non's to deal with or understand their emotional (if you want to call it that) issues, that they feel. I am 99.9% comfotable with knowing that the humiliation I have caused will not bring her back my way.

Are you embarassed by anything you had done to expose your ex. These ppl are just plain sick/ill. I get it! But, the fact that they get to walk amongst us with no fear or reprisal is astonishing to me. Their lack of feeeling for us is unbelievable. I really think that humiliating the ex, as saddening to me to do that, may be the only way to confront them, or at least let the world know who they really are.

I welcome all thoughts.

I'm not embarassed of anything I did to expose him, I kept his sick ___ a secret for so long. I was actually embarassed to finally admit it all once I left him.

I was embarassed that I stayed with such a sick person!

I recall when I firt met me ex, he was still fighting with his ex. He would hang up on her in front of me and tell me she was "crazy" and that he loved her but it was over. Little did I know I was his next source.

He was SO CRUEL to this poor girl and I told him "You are so mean to this person you loved"

Talk about a red flag. But he had me convinced she was a nut.

They feel nothing!
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Mystic
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« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2010, 08:09:30 AM »

I recall when I firt met me ex, he was still fighting with his ex. He would hang up on her in front of me and tell me she was "crazy" and that he loved her but it was over. Little did I know I was his next source.

He was SO CRUEL to this poor girl and I told him "You are so mean to this person you loved"

Talk about a red flag. But he had me convinced she was a nut.

They feel nothing!

Exactly the same here.  Then once he moved in here it seemed like they were in communication again (1500 miles apart), and then he became cruel to me.  I don't think he can have a relationship with anyone without having some drama/attention percolating on the side. 
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2010, 08:15:07 AM »

My ex was humiliated.

Not only did her mother find out about her torrid affair, but so did the boss' wife, some of her co-workers and their superiors. Her ex husband was quite vindictive. I know she had a mini-breakdown and was embarrassed. But, soon after, like with everything else, she justified, made excuses, disconnected and moved on.

They can move on rather easily. Survival mechanism.
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« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2010, 07:47:37 PM »

No point in it... .they just blame their behavior on our inability to "love" (sacrifice for) them enough.
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BillP
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« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2010, 09:33:59 PM »

I just wonder if what we post is more of what we see/think emotionally as opposed to what reality or the experts say is true. Reason why I say this is because I've had several ppl over the last feww days tell me, dude, she's not coming back due to you humilitating her, and her inabilty to humble herself to ever want to come back. Until someone can convince me, I believer this.

Am I wrong? Help me out here? I am just looking to find answers so I may understand. I get so many, what's and maybe's, isn't there any definites? Just curious.
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ve01603
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« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2010, 09:37:43 PM »

Excerpt
And I am staying focused on myself. Lost 52lbs. since I moved out of the House of Horrors. I've completed all of my online studyaing & training courses. And i'm gearing up for the classes & courses next year that will allow me to have the life I want to have.

Cool - congrats!

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Good for you!
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« Reply #16 on: December 27, 2010, 01:05:14 AM »

I just wonder if what we post is more of what we see/think emotionally as opposed to what reality or the experts say is true.

I believe that's human nature.  This is what pwBPD do too (just like all of us) - but it's taken to the extreme.  None of us have a lock on completely objective reality - we all have our own perspective that colors our interpretations/memories/etc.  We're all at least slightly biased.


Excerpt
isn't there any definites?

No, sorry.  (except death and taxes Smiling (click to insert in post) )  Every case/situation/individual is different.  Of course there are patterns, probabilities, similarities - but no one can say for sure.  There are just way too many factors that go into something as complicated as human relations.  Not to mention the one constant in life: change (people and things).

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« Reply #17 on: December 27, 2010, 02:45:56 AM »

Humiliating them continues the cycle. Ie the longer you keep in contact with them or react to their behaviour and games they will simply continue. Aim is to break off contact, eliminate all ways they can contact you etc They then get bored with you and find the next target. Whom they believe are the beez neez until they switch, then the games behaviour mentally ill illness will kick in
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« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2010, 02:58:43 AM »

Humiliating them continues the cycle. Ie the longer you keep in contact with them or react to their behaviour and games they will simply continue. Aim is to break off contact, eliminate all ways they can contact you etc They then get bored with you and find the next target. Whom they believe are the beez neez until they switch, then the games behaviour mentally ill illness will kick in

I think this is exactly right.  Unless they want to get help, do not continue to communicate with them in any way.  Let them move on if you really, truly want to be out of it, and even then they will probably come back to you for more. 
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« Reply #19 on: December 27, 2010, 06:24:37 AM »

Humiliating them continues the cycle. Ie the longer you keep in contact with them or react to their behaviour and games they will simply continue. Aim is to break off contact, eliminate all ways they can contact you etc They then get bored with you and find the next target. Whom they believe are the beez neez until they switch, then the games behaviour mentally ill illness will kick in

I think this is exactly right.  Unless they want to get help, do not continue to communicate with them in any way.  Let them move on if you really, truly want to be out of it, and even then they will probably come back to you for more. 

I would go a step further and say regardless of whether they are receiving treatment or help, break it off. Proper treatment that leads to them functioning in society better can take a very long time. Seems harsh, I could tell my ex BPD was a good person underneath all the inner pain, turmoil, DID and flashbacks. But regardless until she went thru the WHOLE treatment she was just going to feel compelled to behave a certain way. Love is a strange thing, and Im a fool for it like anyone, but Im not an emotional punching bag for anyone. If anyone is in the place to help BPDs its their doctors.
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« Reply #20 on: December 27, 2010, 07:04:19 AM »

Humiliating someone with a character disorder is a part of the anger cycle, but it brings shame and guilt later. All of this isn't going to help you in the dating pool you've entered- in fact it's unhealthy to even think that while you're perusing profiles, you have a connection to someone that arouses your aggression. Best to get that stuff out and work through it before you jump back into the romantic field.
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BillP
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« Reply #21 on: December 27, 2010, 08:33:18 AM »

2010, I agree with you that humiliating them is part of the anger cycle. I will always have some sort of shame/embarassment from this expereince. Even though I know, in retrospect, I did all I could do for the ex, it was never going to be good enough, and I fell prey. My attempt in humiliating the ex was to try and create a permanent wall that would make sure the ex would never come back.

I have been told this will, or this won't stop the ex, because of how they rationalize things over time. I also felt that doing this would help me purge all fo the inner turmoil I was feeling at the time, and to be honest, I do feel better getting that stuff out of my system. Even if there is some residue left over, the majority of it is gone, and for me, that's a very positive step for me in my recovery.
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« Reply #22 on: December 27, 2010, 04:05:53 PM »

My attempt in humiliating the ex was to try and create a permanent wall that would make sure the ex would never come back.

We can't control others - only ourselves.  Work on shoring up your defenses instead.

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« Reply #23 on: December 27, 2010, 04:18:11 PM »

I am not sure my ex's care about humiliation. NPD ex doesn't even really care all that much what other people think, because he only needs to manipulate those closest around him and he dedicates serious energy to this project. So It wouldn't matter what I did or said, it would just make me look worse than he has already painted me to be.

BPD ex doesn't need my  help with humiliation, he is REALLY good at it himself!  
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BillP
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« Reply #24 on: December 27, 2010, 04:36:56 PM »

My attempt in humiliating the ex was to try and create a permanent wall that would make sure the ex would never come back.

We can't control others - only ourselves.  Work on shoring up your defenses instead.

I thought it would help in suring up my defense. From what everyone here has told me, it would sort of like throwing a rock at a tank. At best, you might make a dent, but not a difference.

However, my T seems to think that this may, depending on where the ex's mindset is at currently, may be another reason for the ex to not ever reach back to me. But not likely. I guess I can hope that if humiliating her in any way, on any level keeps her away from me, then I've been successful. Wouldn't you say?
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« Reply #25 on: December 27, 2010, 04:54:44 PM »

I'd say it sounds like you don't trust yourself to stay no contact. Like you can't keep yourself away so you're trying to find ways to force her to do it for you.


Again; wondering about her and trying to influence her behavior is a way for you to stay engaged with the situation.
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« Reply #26 on: December 27, 2010, 04:56:17 PM »

To wit: humiliating someone and chasing them away is not really "success"

Moving forward and learning to control yourself is success.  x
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« Reply #27 on: December 27, 2010, 04:56:50 PM »

Well I'm not really down for humiliating others whatever the reason.

When you view her as a tank and you as a person throwing a small rock, then yes it seems like an unfair match.  The thing is, she's not a tank - she's a person.  And you have an equal number of defenses at your disposal as she has offenses.  You can focus on yourself and make changes so that nothing she says or does will affect you.  In the meantime, you can avoid her, block calls/txt's, filter emails, etc.

She may or may not come back regardless of what you do.  And you can never predict crazy.  It may be that humiliating her makes it MORE likely for her to come back (this was the case with my 2nd last ex who had strong N traits).  What's most important is that you don't allow her to have any negative affects on you if/when she does.

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« Reply #28 on: December 27, 2010, 04:57:02 PM »

My attempt in humiliating the ex was to try and create a permanent wall that would make sure the ex would never come back.

We can't control others - only ourselves.  Work on shoring up your defenses instead.

I thought it would help in suring up my defense. From what everyone here has told me, it would sort of like throwing a rock at a tank. At best, you might make a dent, but not a difference.

However, my T seems to think that this may, depending on where the ex's mindset is at currently, may be another reason for the ex to not ever reach back to me. But not likely. I guess I can hope that if humiliating her in any way, on any level keeps her away from me, then I've been successful. Wouldn't you say?

I think there is an element of them realising you can SEE them, see through them, know their games. You have some control, its not the act of humiliation maybe, but the fact that you are able to do so if you choose. They can reason away what you say with 'they are crazy!' or endless lies but at some point, you become useless and pointless, because you are more scary as you know stuff. NPD ex I think doesn't hate me, but hates that I have some power, and the power is that I KNOW stuff. And I could choose to tell people. He has set up a nice elaborate network of stories about me, to try to discredit me, but it still freaks him out
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« Reply #29 on: December 27, 2010, 05:13:56 PM »

Well I'm not really down for humiliating others whatever the reason.

When you view her as a tank and you as a person throwing a small rock, then yes it seems like an unfair match.  The thing is, she's not a tank - she's a person.  And you have an equal number of defenses at your disposal as she has offenses.  

This bears repeating.  Stop giving her so much power over you.  You are in control of your life - she never held more power than you gave her.  Relationships are not wars, and it's time to explore your reasons for treating them  as such.  Even if the reasons for this "war" are obvious to you, there's a good chance you had similar, lower-level conflict in other relationships.

True strength and true kindness are intertwined.
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