A Snapshot of our Relationships & Goals

[Skip]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:

Age:

Married:

Children/ages:

Living Together:

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:

Sexual Orientation:

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?


What do you like most about your partner?


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?


What do you find most difficult?


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dados76]

What type of relationship are you in?

R, L, me, two kids, one house, living together

Our relationship is open... .pretty comfortably... .something really only possible w/R being more stable.

R is 23  I'm 34  L is 28   Kids are 6 and 4.

I'm gay.  L is straight. R is whatever he is - gay w/exceptions.

Havent broken up since we've been dating...

I known R for about 6 years. together for 3.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

bc were family... i love him and i love our lives together...


What do you like most about your partner?

hes kind... openminded... funny... huge capacity for love... opinionated and stubborn... but really willing to just let other people live. hes the best... strongest person i know...

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

communication... always something to be working on... balancing busy lives w/making enough time for everybody.

What do you find most difficult?

explaining that things are cool...



How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

was dxBPD/paranoid pd... isnt anymore... 'just' ocd and ptsd now. and sorting thru his own family issues...


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

recovering codependent...



Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

R has been in T... dbt for the last few years... far as i understand... more talk therapy... less homework for him lately.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

tbh... not sure. i learned a lot abt validation/boundaries here... hopefully can share some of that... or just to be able to say people w/BPD can get better... just a helluva lot of work to do it...

[1bravegirl]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together? 27  

Age?47 and him 49

Married? yes

Children/ages? no children, only animals... .a husky a shepherd/chow mix and 3 feline friends...   all in one house...

How Many Times Have You Broken Up? 2 times, once for a year in 97 and once for 2 yrs 4-09 till 1-11

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him and my husband has made big strides this last separation, especially the changes in his ability to open up and communicate due to stopping all drugs... we have a long history together and a good life when we are in sync with each other.

What do you like most about your partner?

His caring ways, he loves to take care of us and he can be very nuturing and funny, he loves animals and has a big heart.   He loves people as well and when he feels needed, he really rises to the occasion and offers his support.

He has many strengths that only recently has he been able to truly sharpen and let them come to the fore and appreciate.

I really love his cooking!  He cooks every night and I wouldn't even try to cook now since he is so good at what he does!  I tell him all the time too...    

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

the past traumatic events have come up recently and posed some issues of trust and forgiveness and understanding what is what.    

What do you find most difficult?  

Learning to share my dwelling area again...  but the good from it is starting to outweigh the missed freedom of being alone...

How would you categorize your partner?

total BPD traits and some OCD traits...

How would you categorize yourself?

good question.   in recovery from PTSD and isolation disorder.  finding myself again and things looking very promising...

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

yes, I am in Therapy, with my Psychiatrist, and a Psychologist and a counselor... yep...  guilty as charged... and my H will join me in the counseling after a month...  

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

What my goals are from the board is to continue to receive and give support and learn as much as I can about what will help me in this journey of stability and overall health.

Thanks Skippy!  1bg

[octopus]

What type of relationship are you in?

Business Partner of 6 years - last 3 very closely affiliated to grow our business of Equestrian Centre & training/developing riders & horses.  

Really cared for & loved her initially and respect enormously her successes in this field. Have been married for 24 years with no children but husband very supportive of my dreams/goals.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Business is growing & I love it and need it (financially very committed).  Also, thought she was like a soulmate initially.

What do you like most about your partner?

Incredibly empathic

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Dysregulations especially when she confronts me in earshot of staff or clients and manipulation

What do you find most difficult?

Not knowing when I am being manipulated versus what is true business or relationship driven requests

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

Codependent

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

no

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

to perfect tools that will make me abetter person such as Boudnary setting & SET

[Mrs Borderline]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together? 7

Age Me54 H46

Married 23 mos

Children/ages? ss21

Living Together? Did bm 2yrs

How Many Times Have You Broken Up? since M -1 (now 107 days+) 

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Love of God & H

What do you like most about your partner?

Now: H is intelligent, fun to travel with, Sports fan, romantic, passionate lover, a true gentleman: always opens doors for me, protective and affectionate.  He cooks and pampers me more often than not.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

BPD, Financial stress, communication, Trust, insecurity, jealousy... .

What do you find most difficult?

Living apart, BPD

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

undiagnoised BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Codependent

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not since 2007

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?[/quote]
To understand and learn how to cope and relate in a loving manner

[needbpdhelp]

What type of relationship are you in? (Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? Howe Many Times Have You Broekn Up? Sexual Orientation?) 

Married 18 years. I have four grown children, she has three. We have been separated for 9 months. Broken up four times. Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?  I love my wife very much. If we can just learn to communicate and negotiate without the sudden dysregulation we will have a great marriage.

What do you like most about your partner? 

She is very intelligent, has high moral standards, is witty, a very good teacher and compassionate and dedicated to her students. She is very sensitive, which is a double edged sword - good as to sensitivity for others, bad as to personal sensitivity, causing defensiveness and dysregulation.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Money management. Recovering from financial loss due to my heart transplant - medical expenses, loss of my income resulting in our home forclosure and our inability to discuss anything dealing with money in a calm way. My w's denial about BPD, and self medicating with prescription drugs and alcohol. My w's sudden dysregulation accompanied by inaccurate memories and sense of reality. My need to fix things/her - working hard on that.

What do you find most difficult?

Learning to live with and be happy in a relationship with a very difficult personality match. Letting the conflict go without resolution in many cases.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, Clinical Depression, maybe PTS

How would you categorize yourself? (NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

ADD

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

W is in T for Depression and in denial about previous diagnoses - 10 years ago - for BPD. CBT therapy seems to be helping. I am in T to see if I can improve my own communication skills with W.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Learn BPD coping skills, and how to help gently lead my W into beneficial therapy without her feeling accused of being a defective person with a mental illness. Learn how to improve my own communication, validation, and unconditional acceptance skills.

[MaybeSo]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? Howe Many Times Have You Broekn Up? Sexual Orientation?)

\

Been together 5 years in committed r/s, living together for the last 2 plus years.  We broke up several times during our first two years together.  We are in our late 40s, both professionals, heterosexual, blended family... .both of us had one prior long term marriage.  


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

It is working.  We turned a corner about two years ago.  


What do you like most about your partner?

We have a lot in common, we connect, we enjoy each other's company, and our relationship is a priority to both of us.  He is funny and smart and I love him.  We have good chemistry also.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Not too many anymore.  We are a 'High Conflict Couple' that have learned a lot of skills to help us have a very workable relationship.  We both have to use our skills, and we have gotten pretty good at it, so that it is mostly automatic, but still there are times when we have to 'work it'.


What do you find most difficult?

The most difficult was the first two years when I didn't understand what was happening with my partner.  Today, hmmm... .I guess when we slip back into old stuff, that is the most difficult, but it doens't happen very much anymore.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD and NPD traits, along with being a very nice person.

Also, I think we both have BPD traits, though I think his was more pronounced.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Some BPD traits when distressed that show up around abandonment fears/trust,  and some codependent stuff.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I see my own T and have for a long time for personal and professional reasons.   He does his own T, too.  He works with a DBT T one on one, but he has a Jungian T too.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To keep learning and growing and to offer help where I can for folks in similar situations.

[starcrossed]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)



In september we have our one-year anniversary

I'm 19, she is 26

We live 11000 km apart

None

I'm gay and she's queer.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I see a future for us,

We are worth it all,

I love her,

She's amazing

What do you like most about your partner?

She has a great deal of humour, empathy (shes very gentle), intelligence, these nerdy quirks, passion for little things (which is just adorable) and the cultural differences between us means I'm always learning to see things from a new perpective. She is basically my opposite. Like the flip of a coin.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship??

Her suicidal threats, my tendency to ignore (my own) problems, the fact that she has another girlfriend (my jealously and hurt, her guilt). 

What do you find most difficult?

The fact that we are so far apart

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, depression,

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Depressed with social anxiety disorder, obsessive thoughts and possibly bipolar.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She was, but stopped, so currently only I am.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Find tools to perfect our relationship, deal with the conflicts, understand her more and talk with people who gets what Im going through.

[hotapollo]

What type of relationship are you in?

Married

Years together? two years

Age? Im 36 and she is 31

Married? ?Yes for 18 months

Children/ages? No

Living Together? yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up? none yet

Sexual Orientation? Predominantly straight.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I think I love her. She has been a huge part of my life the last two years. She has been a good attentive companion. She is socially fun. I can talk to her about almost anything.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is smart, good looking.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

I do not get the stability (emotional understanding or nurturing) from my relationship. It does not seem to give me a sense of peace or growth.

What do you find most difficult?

Her splitting into an argumantative b***h or a clingy toddler.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD Diagnosed by interview and I strongly suspect Anti social personality (she has lied, stole and cheated)



How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I think I have NPD traits, I do have co-dependent issues. At times I do have some self esteem issues and now Im soon going to enter depression.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No access to therapy

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

1. tO try to understand why my marraige is dsyfunctional.

2. to see if I can help change it

3. To evaluate the future of my relationship.

[Split]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together? 7yrs

Age? I'm 42, she Is 32

Married? 6yrs

Children/ages? I have a 21 yr daughter, 18 yr son, 15yr son from first marriage, she has a 10 yr daughter from an affair in her first marriage, and we have a 17 month old daughter

Living Together? no (part time) couple days a week (T suggestion)

How Many Times Have You Broken Up? 15 times

Sexual Orientation?) Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Well first of all I love her, when times are good they are great. I want our family to be normal, I don't want our daughter to grow up in a broken home. I seen what it did to my children of my first marraige. *they hated me from what they were told by their mother.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her sense of humor at times. I respect the fact that she admits her problem and is seeking help

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

mhow she feels about my relationship with my children. her paranoid behavor.

I don't get much from the relationship.

What do you find most difficult?

her mood swings

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD... .thats what her test  says she it.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Depressed... .tired... .of looking for peace

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

both of us are in therapy

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Looking for support... .education ... . ideas to make this work

[Steph]

What type of relationship are you in?

Together almost 10, married almost 9.

He has 3 kids, I have 2, 4 grandkids.

Separated x 1 for almost a year.

Bi.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Its working and its amazing.

What do you like most about your partner?

His brilliant mind and his ability to be creative, funny and adventurous

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Right now, its about structuring time together enough with being really busy.



What do you find most difficult?

See above

How would you categorize your partner?

Recovered BPD. No traits at all now. Previously rageful, Dissociative,suicidal ideation and attempts, manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive

How would you categorize yourself?

A Recovering codependant with tendancies to anxiety

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

NO longer... he had DBT, I had T and we had MC with DBT slants, and I had family oriented dbt,.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To share, to support and learn

[Sir5r]

What type of relationship are you in?

We are a married couple, known each other for 25 years and married 23.

We have been together all the years except the last because our therapist has me moving out when we argue and having varying degrees of contact.

We have 3 children (17,16 and 14).

We are both straight.  

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

There was a time we where a great couple and my wife is an amazing person when she isn't having apparent BPD issues,  we have been through a lot together from the best in life to the worst and we survived that.  This is a big challenge for us and because I believe we really love each other we can make it work.

What do you like most about your partner?

There is a genuine caring side to her, she is very in tune to others feelings when she isn't emotionally aroused.  She is exceptionally pretty but doesn't think she is, it's a self esteem issue but she never acted full of herself.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

My resentment, which became anger and now has faded into acceptance. I still have issues with that but I am self aware at least.  My wife is trying but I have little patience left, I need to work on that. We are both frustrated with the lack of intimacy but her perception of intimacy is not what it used to be,  we have discussed it and we're working on it.

What do you find most difficult?

Keeping my mouth shut during her verbal BPD driven assaults. I know responding like that just re-enforces her negative behavior and I'm working on that.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

High functioning Borderline with obsessive-compulsive disorder.  Histrionic when she wants to pull me back after raging.  If that doesn't work she gets verbally, emotionally then physically abusive.  She has been much less of this lately with the CBT.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I am mild ADD (as per therapist) and codependent. I am really to good at avoiding conflict and I have been working on that.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We both are in therapy CBT now and later maybe DBT.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn as much as I can about BPD and learn from others what has and has not worked for them.  Also to let others know they're not alone! I thought I was for too long.

[harmony1]

What type of relationship are you in?

12 years together... currently legally separated... .two boys from previous marriage 19 and 17... recycled countless times pretty much our entire time together... .heterosexual couple

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I care about him deeply... not sure why... we have alot in common when he isnt dysregulated

What do you like most about your partner?

He has made small changes over the years to better himself... .I can respect that

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

I can no longer live with him... he makes life difficult... he wants everything his way or he rages... I am not able to ask for what I want or ask for a compromise for a win win solution... .if I don't go along... .all hell breaks loose and he breaks my home and things

What do you find most difficult?

Radical acceptance... wondering why he cant see he is hurting himself... his reckless choices that have made living with him unbearable... financially and emotionally... .he doesn't see I am on his side... I am the enemy

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD/aspd and heavy NPD

How would you categorize yourself?

Dependent personality... .working on that done a lot of therapy in why I am dependent... .moving out is a big step for me... .had to do an exercise though in therapy... .how is he reliable and such... what am I getting out of it?  when I answered these questions... I realized I do everything for myself... can rely on him for zero help, zero support (emotional ) and if I stay a great chance that I will be physically injured and financially go down with his ship

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Ongoing therapy... once a week... for years

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To help others... especially those who are in dv situations... I did not realize for year that I was a victim of dv... .then I got help... it is hard to make that first call and admit it to a counselor... saying it out loud... even dialing the phone and admitting this... .is well the first step out of getting out of your own denial

[Lost in Wonderland]

What type of relationship are you in?

We've been together 5 years -(NOT MARRIED,neither of uswant to get married). , Known for 18yrs,

live together have S1 my boys live with us S13, S10...

He has 3 sons who live with their mothers S14,S11,S7... .(what a troop huh?) ... .We've never "broken up"

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

On days I feel stong and healthy, I wonder... . ?

On days I don't feel so stong... .Fear.  

What do you like most about your partner?

1) ... He is an AMAZING DADDY! Despite all of the bull he puts me through... .He can turn it all off when our son comes in the room.  He laughs, smiles and plays ... .He gives lots of hugs and kisses... .and changes diapers    He also takes a lot of time with my boys... .playing video games and working out with them... .They come to him when they want to talk about stuff they can't talk to "mom" about.  He offers them honest and rational advice ( I can't complain on this at all).  He's sweet and charming.  He loves to cuddle and talk.  He can fix anything! I love his creativity and abilty to think outside the box.  ... and the Sex is Amazing!

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

1) Dealing with life itself... .the emotional drain that life can put on you strains his delicate emotionally state making it hard to sometime understand and control his emotions. He has such a strong need for routine, yet he resents it... makes him feel "normal".

2) Lack of alone time together... .We try the best we can, but with 3 kids full time it can make it difficult... .sometimes he needs more attention then I can give and can dysregulate him... So I try to steal kisses and hugs to show him I am still there and I do still love him... .even if I can't be there every waking moment.

3)tight budget... .even with him working now for almost a year... .His child support is so high he still isn't bringing in a lot of money... This makes the budget tight and leads to stress... .

What do you find most difficult?

Managing my life... .Kids, work, home... .and then Him...  

I feel like I live multiple lives, even though he is here and he does help (when he's not dysregulated)... .he makes himself separate from my kids.  It's a roller coaster ride, Oneday he wants to be and do everything... .the next day, It's my problem... not his ?

This is how he keeps my life spinning in circles... .Raising kids especially with someone with BPD is such a challenge, and when they aren't theirs... .I think it makes it 10x's as hard!

How would you categorize your partner?

Definately, BPD traits.  

How would you categorize yourself?

"Strained" self esteem, Feeling inadequate, Rising out of depression... .but definatley sad.

Maybe a little co-dependent, definatley INSECURE... .and I have inherited some BPD  

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

He is not... and will never be I am sure.  I am seeking salvage in a Sprirital Advisor not Therapist... .but I like her alternative therapy better then traditional therapy.  I don't even have to go to her ... .We talk on the phone and share emails... .She is helping me look into myself and to God to find my answers... .and YES, I do feel like I am getting much stonger... .Ask me these questions in 3 more months... .They will be totally different.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To continue to grow as a person.  To help others who are just starting out on their journey.  One thing I remember the most when I first started this board ... .Is such a feeling of "validation"... that I wasn't crazy!  But also, This site showed me that I had emotional issues myself that I have to work on!  I want to continue to grow so I can better my life and my situation ... .as well as help and support others... .who are on their journey... .

You feel so much stronger when you are part of a team ... .and the bpdfamily is my team.  

[Bakgwai73]

What type of relationship are you in?

Married for 3 years, I'm 38 Wife is 30, 2 children, Daughter is almost 2, Son is 6 months. Never broken up, Straight. We dated for about a year before we got married so we've known each other for 4 years total.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I want a safe and stable environment for my children, I know she's a good and loving person but she does have her moments.

What do you like most about your partner?

When we dated I was attracted to her independence and her take charge attitude. We had quite a few things in common, both family wise and interests.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her temper, the way we communicate with each other. Both her taking things out of context and trying to look for the insult in every sentence when she's in a bad mood. Dealing with her mom and her mom's side of the family.

What do you find most difficult?

Communicating in a way that we both understand exactly what the other person is saying and meaning.

How would you categorize your partner?

Dependent on others and not being able to make up her mind, worrying what other people think. Knee jerk reactions to every little perceived insult. Not being able to comprehend fully what your saying to her but yet she wants you to be able to read her mind and know what she's talking about, even when she really doesn't know what she's talking about.

How would you categorize yourself?

I defiantly have some self esteem issues and body image issues. I have PTSD from a past assault and some from a horrible situation I was in for days during Hurricane Katrina.  

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We have been, Wife by herself and we went to marriage counseling for awhile. Right now I'm getting back into individual therapy for me and will be trying to get her back in counseling as well.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Improve our relationship and not let the physical and emotional abuse that is rampant on her mom's side affect our children.

I also am at work when I read and write on the board so it is hard for me to go in depth into a lot of things.

[owdrs]

What type of relationship are you in?

Married 20 years;

dated for 2 prior;

s17 d 13;

filed divorce in 08--canceled... .have had 3 times over 20 years consulting attys filed only once.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

The kids. I would like to be in a good marriage but mine is very difficult. I stay to protect, nurture, raise the kids. They get no real interaction from w except for scolding, lectures, rage. Financially we would be much better off staying together. She is smart, organized, and really good at her job. And she is very attractive physically.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

At this point my resentment is huge. The instability of BPD is overwhelming, and hard to manage all the time. I feel she has been a bad mother, an uncaring spouse, and extremely demanding. I'm having a hard time finding a good reason to stay.

What do you find most difficult?

Most difficult? What I call the constant beat-downs. They used to involve physical violence but now mostly just verbal. And the fact I cannot make any progress, even after 20 years of hard work.

How would you categorize your partner?

uBPD.

How would you categorize yourself?

I have some esteem issues and I think i am depressed. The weight of w is huge and I have my moments of feeling helpless and worn out. I'm lucky to have family and friends for support and they have been tremendously helpful. Overall I am fighting hard to be good and do the right things.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I did and then we did back in 01. It seemed to me that all the right things were said and tackled in the right way, but it wasn't real and we went right back to the SOP after C and MC. I did find out she was lying to her T, but back then I was all about forgiveness and making things better. It didn't work.



What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Two; first is to find help for myself through the great insights, advice, and resources here and strengthen myself through the people here. Second is to offer any support, advice, experience I can to help others. I know it's tough and sometimes very difficult to change your circumstance, but having this site for support can help make it through. I'm not an expert but I have lots of stories to share. BTW thanks to all for this site and all the hard work--it really is a lifesaver.

owdrs

[PainOfAge]

What type of relationship are you in?

Eight years married, 9.5 or so "together".  

Children, 8 and 5.  

Never broken up.  

Heterosexual.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

The children are the #1 reason.  We have had moments of real connection, and real emotion, and I think I truly love her - would be #2.

What do you like most about your partner?

She puts a lot of importance on family.  

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Trust, jealousy, and the black/white thinking.  It is really a struggle, but she is learning to see the infinite shades of gray in the world.  :)id I mention it was a struggle?

What do you find most difficult?

Two steps forward, one step backwards.  Moments of amazing clarity and maturity, followed by episodes of acting like a spoiled teenage brat.  

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits, and the "opposite" of NPD traits... .in that she can become very self-loathing, and that turns into her assuming I think and feel the same way about her, which puts her on the defensive and makes her very, very difficult to be around.  

How would you categorize yourself?

I have healthy self-esteem, but I was very codependent (I NEEDED a woman to love me), and I have had some bouts of depression.  I am working on the codependency, and the depression is not currently an issue.  It comes and goes... .but such is life, I suppose.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I have a therapist I trust and respect, and schedule appointments when I feel I need too.  My wife has a therapist she is seeing semi-regularly (regularly, but recently had a very hectic schedule w/ vacation and what-not).  She is not in DBT therapy, and I will not push the issue.  She is instead focusing on specific issues, like how to accept blame without completely trashing her own self image, or how to trust me when she *feels* jealousy.  I now stay out of her therapy, and do not attempt to add my thoughts or "insights" into it.  It works 110% better this way.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

This website has saved my life.  Literally.  I come here when I need a reality check, or to vent, or when I feel I have some clarity to offer and share with others.  I come here so that I do not feel alone in this.  For a long time I was very isolated from the world, and my "real story" was hidden beneath carefully constructed layers of lies and mis-truths.  I can come here and speak "anonymously", and feel understood and accepted.

Only those of us who have experienced BPD can understand what it is to experience BPD.  That is why I come here.

[iluminati]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

3 1/2 years married, 4 1/2 years as a couple.  31 yo.  1 D, 20 months, living with me.  No breakups so far.  Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because I think there are worthwhile parts of my wife that I want to hang on to

What do you like most about your partner?

Her creativity and interests in many different things from me

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her inability and lack of desire to do the work needed to fix her issues

What do you find most difficult?

The loneliness. 

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Diagnosed BPD, with diagnosed social anxiety disorder

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Recovering Enabler

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both in therapy.  I'm winding down my term and will be out in the next month.    Wife was in DBT for 6 months and kicked out for noncompliance.  Currently in standard psychotherapy

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To do the best that I can with the relationship

[Aurylian]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

Married 16 years; D10, D8, D5; have not yet broken up;

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

My girls.  I want to be there for them 100% of the time, not 50%;

What do you like most about your partner?

Struggling in this area right now.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Finding motivation to spend time together.  Being able to express the whole truth about where I'm at.

What do you find most difficult?

Being honest with her, when she has a very poor history of handling anything.  Also using all the tools in real time in the face of very skilled deflection techniques.  Dealing with emotional blackmail.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Very high functioning BPD waif/hermit with competition and lack of empathy NPD leanings.  Emotional blackmailer.



How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Former highly codependent.  Currently, somewhat depressed with marital esteem issues.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both in solo therapy every two weeks.  She is diagnosed, but has not been told.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Learn to be strong, loving, firm and honest in my communication with my W.  And grow in my own personal strength to be able to better handle/avoid the emotional blackmail I frequently face.  Also, to be able to compartmentalize more and not be consumed by the above issues in the rest of my life.

[moonunit]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together (7)

Age (46me -35 her)

Married(no)

Children/ages(none she has a d aged 7 )

Living Together(no)

How Many Times Have You Broken Up( 10)

Sexual Orientation(monogamous)

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

1. keep in contact with her daughter, i regard our relationship like a father/child

2. when she is "stable" she is a good person to be around, we share many similar likes/dislikes

3. she has helped me grow as a person, helped me to become a better person, showed me that there is another side to life that i was missing and another side of life that was right in front of me but i was too blind to see - ie. being more giving to others and the less fortunate

What do you like most about your partner?

see 2,3

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

A. Control of my own decisions and my own life

B. Change, and how she will respond/react to the changes that i need to make to become a stronger/happier person

C. Validating her emotions - i have read about this, tried this a few times, but need much much more work on this area

D. Getting past the past, she lives in the past at times and continually brings up old issues, i am able to move past them and try to work on the present, this is a big hurdle for both of us. She is trying to let go, its just not in her nature to do that so she is struggling with this.  

What do you find most difficult?

all of the above

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits

How would you categorize yourself?

Codependant, mildly depressed

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No, i attempted T about 2 yrs ago and discontinued after 2 sessions as my SO accused me of trying to sleep with the T and that i was not going for the right reasons, i was just going to make myself feel better by portraying myself as the helpless victim and her as the villan. She threatened to confront the T in person and cause a huge scene if i continued with T so i did not go back.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

1. To educate myself first and foremost

2. To understand that i am not alone and draw on the support and strength from fellow members

3. To develop a better balance in my life and start to reclaim my own self through the learnings i get on the various boards

4. To be able to see if i can work out a way that i can keep the relationship that i am in and also reclaim my life again so that  my SO and i can find a common ground to which we can grow in our own separate ways and together ( not sure if that is possible, but willing to try )

[Edgian]

What type of relationship are you in?

(2 Years "together". I am 28, she is 21, we are not married, but talk has came often... .I have no children, she has a 4 year old. Currently not living together, she's dumped me like 238923983298238932893289328932892389238923892389238923 times, but they usually don't last long, what I consider broken up, three times. Sexual Orientation? I'm male, she's female.)

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Of everyone I ever met, she seems to be the only person who gets me, the only person I ever looked up to, the only person I can actually say "I respect".

What do you like most about your partner?

Her mind... .Her intelligence, sense of humor, thirst for knowledge... .All in all I am in love with her brain.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her changing over night... .I go to bed, we're in love, everything is wonderful, everything is great... .I wake up, I don't love her, this isn't working, I've done something wrong.

What do you find most difficult?

Identifying "This is something that is truly wrong", and "This is her BPD coming out."

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD, but you throw dementia on top of that, and ugggggh


How would you categorize yourself?

I'm only really depressed when she makes me that way... .I guess I'd say regular ol' normal insanity which comes with intelligence? I have anger issues for damn sure! (Not hitting or anything)


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She is.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Understanding. Thas why I joined, although, judgmental people who reply with hopeless nonsense, or "She has you right where she wants you" or "run" make me have heavy second thoughts on if this is a place to find "understanding".

[FreeNclear]

What type of relationship are you in?

Together 3 yrs. Unmarried, living together less than 6 months.  Both mid 40s. 3 kids between us from previous marraiges.  "broken up" several times.  Heterosexual.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I started to list the reasons--like the kids, his positive qualities.  But I honestly don't know if I want it to work.  I'm stuck and I can't even fill the rest of this out.

[izabella]

What type of relationship are you in?

18 years,2 kids ages 17 and 13.we live together,and he left me a few times and tells me he will leave me a few times a year.both of us are straight,we are both 39


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

because for some reason i love the man,he is romantic,he spoils me and shows me love,he does do what he can to make me happy when im painted white.

we have children,i want to try and keep us together


What do you like most about your partner?

under all the mean things he does to me,he does so many good things for me and my family,and for others as well.he loves animals and children,he is very smart and has a sweet heart.he is a great dad 99% of the time.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

communication,getting him to tell me what is upsetting him before he cant take it anymore.getting him to talk things out/work things out without getting so worked up and hurting people


What do you find most difficult?

everything i wrote above and the silent treatments,they are the worst

feeling lonely,not being able to express my feelings


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem,codependent,depressed,stressed and burnt out.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

im going to start soon.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?


getting healthy mentally again.being able to live life like im suppose to.to not be afraid to leave if things dont get better.

[Althea]

What type of relationship are you in?

Married 5 years, he's 34 and I'm 38, two little boys 2 and almost 4


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I have children with him

What do you like most about your partner?

He's talented, high IQ, sexy as hell, funny, when he's not raging, highly successful and high functioning, has so mcu in common with me regarding music, morals, interests, politics etc.  Some of that could be mirroring me.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Raging, mood swings, nagging me, his "expectations" of how fairy tale family life should be, as he had a bad childhood and I had an exceptionally great one

What do you find most difficult?

Discussing money.  He makes a ton, together we make a sht ton, though we manage it separately, and terribly!

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits, but feels genuine guilt and remorse, takes blame after the rage, but can not stop himself from verbally abusing others.  

How would you categorize yourself?

High functioning, high self esteem, coming out of depression from dealing with him though.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No, he refuses.  

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? This is my therapy and where I get my tools.  My tools have saved my family.  Thank you bpdfamily.com.  

[HardDaysNight]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

Married 10+ years, 3 children all under 10, never broken up, heterosexual.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

At the moment it is the better option for the children.  I don’t believe things are so bad that a divorce and the creation of two environments, one good, the other likely to be hell, is the better option.

If I was making a wish list I’d also like a spouse who could be a friend or companion.  Facing the facts I know that is unlikely to happen.

What do you like most about your partner?

 She has pretty much stopped the rages at least in front of me for the last 9 months.  Otherwise I am hard pressed to find something to like that is her and not just my fantasy of what  I thought she was.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her view that all our problems are my fault and that she has never behaved in an unjustifiable fashion.

What do you find most difficult?

Her smug, belittling and too good to lift a finger queen BPD/NPD attitude.  Coupled with her constant negativity and criticism of our house and “life.”

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

waif/queen BPD with moments of NPD especially after hanging our with a particular group of friends who best fit the “Real Housewives of…” mold.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Feel like I’m ghetting better.  Was depressed for years.  I may have NPD traits, not sure.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I see one form time to time.  I’m not sure if my wife is still seeing here T.  She has an on again off again relationship with her T.  I suspect it gets off when my wife’s T says things my wife doesn’t want to hear.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Support.  People who know what I am going through and can let me know I am not crazy.

Sure it is validation, but for a person in a relationship with a BPD/NPD you are often cut off from others.  Humans are social creatures, IMHO, and I, like anyone, need some sense of validation especially when your home environment (where you are supposed to recharge) is one of invalidation and constant work to “validate/counsel” the BPD/NPD.

I get tired of having to always be the responsible one and counselor to my BPD/NPD wife 24/7.  Like anyone living under constant stress with few if any moments of peace, I need a place to let it out without being chastised for it.

I hope to also find advice on how to live with a person with BPD/NPD here.  Techniques, etc., although I find books and my own T are better sources for actual techniques.

[KeepingPeace]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together? 8 in August

Age? I'm 30, he's 36

Married? Engaged for 7 years (yes, we got engaged in the first year... .) but not yet married... .  so I've gone back to calling him my boyfriend

Children/ages? Daughter will be 2 in July

Living Together? Yes. Long distance (across the pacific) the first 8 months, then living together since then.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Never officially, but it keeps being threatened lately, by both of us... .

Sexual Orientation? Straight


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him.  We have been together for a long time (to a 30 year old, anyway:P) and I can't imagine living without him.  When we aren't stressed out we have a wonderful relationship and a lot of fun together.  I really miss being close to him and still hold out hope that I can have (some, at least) of that closeness back.



What do you like most about your partner?

He is very intelligent and hardworking (when he's focused).  He cares deeply about his family and takes good care of us when really needed (when sick, etc.).  We have (surprisingly) a lot in common and have a lot of fun together when he's not depressed. 


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Communication, Trust and Forgiveness.  We've gotten to the point where we hardly talk, because it usually turns into an argument... .and I've realized its partly because I was unknowingly invalidating most of what he said  I had good intentions, but my attempts to turn around his negative thinking with my positive version just made things worse  He's gotten to the point that he doesn't trust me to be on his side anymore, because when he starts in with negative thinking I point out the faults in it and try to explain the more innocent reasons behind people's actions... .And I now have trust issues with him, as well, in thinking he's "crazy" and my insecurities over his interest in other women.  And he wont forgive me for mistakes I have made in the past and brings them up all the time


What do you find most difficult?

Listening to his "vents" without taking everything personally and getting defensive.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits, antisocial, a bit paranoid, depressed

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low self-esteem, codependent, a bit antisocial, a bit depressed, separation anxiety


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I was seeing a therapist, but kinda stopped when she started had the attitude that he's hopeless and started steering me toward leaving... .  He's not seeing anyone.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn skills for improving myself and my relations with him.  I want to learn to communicate in a more validating, empathetic way, and to work on improving the relationship from my side. Yes, I also (stupidly) hope that this will motivate him to make some positive changes in himself, but either way at least I will have strengthened myself and can know that I did my best.

[seqndluvnun]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? almost 2

Age? 35 & 38

Married? common law

Children/ages? no

Living Together? yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up? never

Sexual Orientation? straight


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

mmmmm, because i'm not a quitter, and we can help each other live fuller lives

What do you like most about your partner?

we have fun together

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

oh jeez, my perfectionism, i need to let the little things go, i would like to see him take more responsibility for his actions and be less hypocritical.

What do you find most difficult?

not taking things personally

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits, a little bi-polar, depression

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

i might be depressed, but overall i feel i have my poop in a group pretty well.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Neither of us... .although we've talked about it and we have insurance so we should

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to learn skills to help us manage this illness so we can full lives.

[RememberMe]

What type of relationship are you in?

Together 10 years, married for 9.  H has 3 grown children, estranged from all 3.  Never really broken up, but he goes through long periods of time where he will not speak to me and lives exclusivey in our basement so he does not have to interact.


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I'm not sure I want it to work anymore.  I'm not in love with him anymore, but financially can't afford to split.  I work, he is disabled, I can't support 2 households.


What do you like most about your partner?

I used to love his intelligence and his kindness.  Don't see much of either anymore. 


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Not knowing from one minute to the next whether I will upset him or not.  So I have severely limited our interaction, even when he's in a great frame of mind.  Hate to press my luck. 


What do you find most difficult?

Being isolated and ignored.  We used to talk all the time about everything.  Now he won't speak to me for long periods of time, and we can't discuss anything without arguing.  Never lets me express my thoughts or finish a sentence. 

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, Avoidant PD, Bi-polar, depression, PTSD from years of abuse, also physically disabled.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Depressed and anxious.  Some PTSD from his past actions.  Battling codependency every minute of every day!


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

He has a psychiatrist for medications only.  No therapy.  I'm currently seeking a therapist that is a good fit for me. 


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Support, and to learn coping skills.  I'm still not sure if I'm staying or going, but nice to know I'm not alone. 

[sea_luver]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

romantic love relationship.  been together ten months.  im 43 yo man.  she is 49 yo woman.  we're unmarried.  she has long distance d30.  ive no children.  we live separately.  tried living together for a couple months.  it didn't work.  broke up twice, i think.  we're both straight. 


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

when things are cool and chaos-free, i enjoy good companionship, romance, sex, sharing common interests, learning and exploring new stuff together.


What do you like most about your partner?

she's caring and sharing and thoughtful.  she's a creative artist.  she's a courageous survivor.  she's a great dancer and lover.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

my biggest chanllenge has been recognizing, radically accepting, and coping with dishonesty, gas-lighting, projecting, and frequent un-predictible intense negative emotions that come from a very distorted perception of what's happening at a given moment.  when im blamed for making her feel bad because of something i didn't say (but she imagnied and insists that i said), something i did not think (but she imagined and insists that i thought), it's been a challenge learning to not defend myself , but to look past what she is actually saying and try to understand the emotions controlling her at the time.


What do you find most difficult?

effectively communicating is often very difficult for me.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


BPD traits. Depression.  ADHD.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

codependent traits. situational depression.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

no.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

learn how to communicate more effectively.  learn how to maintain my mental health while relating  with someone who exhibits BPD traits.

[peacebaby]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

My partner and I have been together almost ten years. I'm mid-40s, she's mid-30s, we're both gay. We live together and we have never broken up.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

She's my life-partner, and I'd say the relationship is working.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her kindness and her humor and the way she loves me.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Though she's been through lots of treatment and is doing great, she still has problems with agression/violence, and that's the major challenge.

What do you find most difficult?

See above.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

She's got some BPD, some PTSD, and some PMDD.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I'm a bit codependent with anger and mood regulation issues.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We're both in talk therapy and on anti-depressants (she's also on anti-psychotics) and she's between support groups, but looking for a new one.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To remind myself she's got BPD, for support when it gets bad, and to give advice to others.

[Inspirationneeded]

What type of relationship are you in?(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

Friends as she doesn't do committed relationships.  Known her 3 years, both of us mid 30s.  She was married, divorced after a a year and I have never been married.  No children by either of us living separate.  Broken up none, splitting probably 3 dozen.  Straight.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

(1) I love her.

(2) I have seen her in pain.  Beating the crap out of herself. The depressing withdrawls.  The uncontrolled shaking and look of sheer panic in her eyes.  She didn't cause the sexual abuse and I don't think she has to live with it by herself. She has to help herself, which she is actively doing, so as long as she tries I will give effort on my end.

What do you like most about your partner?

I know it's a result of her illness, but when she is happy and content she lights up the room. 

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Interracial, no matter how much support I give she gets extremely negative about how others view us together.   

What do you find most difficult?  Validation.  Its not an excuse but I'm former military and an engineer.  I have always dealt with facts not feelings.  It's foreign to me to recognize anything like that and respond appropriately. 

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )  Definitely BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )  More codependent than the other options.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?  She is on and off with therapists.  I don't delve into how her sessions go.  I was in therapy for a bit before joining the Navy because of domestic issues with my family.  They never diagnosed me with anything and gave me a clean bill of health but after some self-relfection I realize I have issues. 

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?  Support.  Everyone knows she is off.  Everyone just turns their head and looks in the other direction even if she asks them (in her confusing way of course) for help.  Just want to be around others that know what's going on and can offer help, advice, an ear to talk to. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[shave]

What type of relationship are you in?(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

I'm a woman married to my BPD husband for over 35 years. I am 56, he's 59. Our kids are grown up and out-2 daughters, 32 and 27 , and one son, 30. 32 and 30 are married and I have 3 grandchildren. 27 is happily single. We have never broken up. But I stopped sleeping with him 15 years ago after a few unforgiveable incidents so you could say we are not really together, are we?

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

It's all financial at this point and I know every psychologist out there will tell you money is never a reason to stay together but I'm sorry I do not find welfare and possible homelessness an attractive option. My H made me so sick that I can no longer work and even when I did, it was a month to month existence (mostly because he was running the household finances and had many credit cards and didn't pay the mortgage and when I finally figured it out the hole was too deep to climb out of. I take care of the money now.


What do you like most about your partner?

At this point i neither like him nor love him but if I had to say something nice, he is very intelligent, well read and pretty darn good at his profession.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Keeping myself from getting sicker while dealing with his crazy. It's very hard and while I was really sick he said I was crazy and not sick. So basically I try to stay far away from any unnecessary contact with him. I'm better that way.

Also, I try to minimize any future damage he is going to do with my kids (he's already alienated the rest of the family and all friends). One day he will say something really bad to them and I have to always be on my toes. It's stressful.

What do you find most difficult?

Being scared of what he will be like when he walks in the door at night. I know it's a terrible thing to say but when he's away, I'm in heaven.

How would you categorize your partner?

Until last week when I found this site I would have said passive aggressive and psychotic. But he's BPD, 100%

How would you categorize yourself?

Completely depressed, have anxiety and panic attacks, completely intimidated.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No money. And anyway, when he was in therapy he was completely untruthful and painted me as the villain (no, the therapist didn't listen to me.)


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Honestly, I don't know yet. I just found you last week and all the info has been so helpful. But I think if everyone keeps at me to stand up and walk away when he starts his crazy ranting I think I could actually make my life a little better.

[eeyore]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)



3 years 3 months, engaged, both in our 40's, no children, broken up 1 time, moved in and out too many to count, both hetro (Male & Female couple)

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We both have good qualities.  He is high functioning and does not have all the criteria.  He can be very loving, kind, and supportive.  He's brilliant at getting what he wants a quality I wish I was better at.  I have learned a lot from this relationship and I believe it has made me a stronger better person.  The skills I have learned here have helped in the relationship as well as with dealing with difficult people and situations in general.  It's helped me to be more care free and to worry less. 


What do you like most about your partner?

His brilliant mind.  He is clever, inventive, has lots of initiative.  We can have great conversations. 


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

regulating emotions.  We tend to escalate issues more than they need to be.  We have gotten much better at resolving problems and airing our feelings. 



What do you find most difficult?



The resentment and anger that I haven't let go of.  Forgetting after I've forgiven. 

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )



I'm not sure about NPD or ASPD.  Definitely could be BPD according to T but since he would never go to a T he is undiagnosed.  He could suffer fleas from a BPD ex. 

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )



Me... .have had episodes of low self esteem, maybe somewhat codependent... .but really feel like I've overcome all of it. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I have gone to see a T and on occasion will touch bases with a T.  He absolutely thinks he's greater than sliced bread and he thinks T is for weak people.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn and become a better person, to help others, sometimes just to have a place to vent... .it depends on the day.

[Marvin Martian]

 

We dated from October to February one break up, but back on polite speaking terms.

(Years together? Known each other, and communicating well for a year plus Age? 50 Married no Children/ages?no  Living Together?no How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation? heterosexual


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I have never met someone that I have had such a deep natural connection with, soulmate level.

What do you like most about your partner?

When she is in the white side of the splitting, she is incredible. Highly accomplished professionally, intelligent, great to be around, has overcome huge difficulties, from childhood on [ although I suspect her BPD helped to cause a severe family tragedy].  Deep beneath the layers, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I truly believe she knows she has a disorder, and tried to protect me from its effects.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Working back from the bad splitting where I didn't react well [before I read Eggshells, BPD for dummies, I hate you don't leave me, and finding this site]. A 5 hour drive between us.

What do you find most difficult?

Trying to make sure that my communications with her are either a positive, or at least don't make things worse. Not seeing her eyes.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits, possibly 7 of 9. Very low self esteem, despite being a very accomplished person.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Good self esteem, good achiever, until the splitting kicked into a frequent cycle. Her ability to hammer on a person until they are looking for the grave is real [ but I now understand, can handle it, and am in good shape]. Esteem is coming back. Confidence is rising.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I have seen a T a couple times, not sure on her, but doubt it.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Goal #1 To learn more skills, that will make me stronger, and more capable. #2 Network with others who have fought the same battles, and learn from them. #3 I know I can't change her, and that she must be the one to choose to change. But I want to be a positive in her life, and a support to help her to spend more time on the white side of the splitting [ by stopping actions that hurt her, and being a solid presence].

[Want2know]

What type of relationship are you in?

I have known my uNPDbf for 4 years, living with him now with a break up for about 8 months last year.  We had lived together for about 2.5 years initially.  I am 46 and he is 41.  He has 3 children from his previous and only marriage.  One lives with us (14 yr old boy), and the other 2 girls (15 and 18) live with the mother/grandmother.  I have no kids of my own.  Besides the 8 month hiatus, we broke up only once before, and that was just for a weekend.  We are heterosexual, trying to be monogamous, and not really wanting to get married since we’ve both been married before.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Besides the general statement of “I love him deeply”, I guess I’d have to say that I think we complement each other.  I do learn a lot from him, and during our 8 months apart, I didn’t want to be with anyone but him, even with me putting myself out there.  He is the one I would like to be with in the end.

What do you like most about your partner?His ability to fix or create anything, our mutual likes (music, movies, camping, etc.), our physical relationship, his passion, his feelings towards how this world is (except for when he’s dysregulated), his discipline.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

My anxiety over the possibility of him turning to other women for sex is the biggest one.  He says sex means nothing to him, and is a way for him to feel better about himself.  He doesn’t say that about the sex between us, but has said it in general.  Also, his lack of caring attitude that he uses as a manipulation tool, even if he is not aware when he’s doing it.

What do you find most difficult?

Trusting him.

How would you categorize your partner?

Somatic NPD with bi-polar tendencies, as well as some PTSD from being in the Army in Desert Storm.

How would you categorize yourself?

Anxious, somewhat co-dependent, somewhat depressed

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

For support when I’m confused or don’t know what to do, or just need to vent and/or get some advice.

[Upekkha]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

We met as children. Dated at University. Lived together briefly and We have been married since 1977. Two adult daughters; one grand baby. Never broken up

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Peace of Mind

Financial

What do you like most about your partner?

Funny; likes so much of what I like - dancing, music, film, gourmet cooking

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

She rages and I get angry

We don't talk about anything serious EVER and we have many future issues such as finances, retirement etc to work out.

What do you find most difficult?

The constant criticism and the raging

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I have anxiety issues

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not currently. I had a CBT and we went to MC briefly until the $ ran out. She doesn't think she has problems; only I need to change.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Either learn how to make it work over time or move over to the Undecided board formally.

[runner mom]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

Married nearly 8 years.  Together for 14.  Children: 2 daughters, ages 5 and 3.  Broke up once when dating and separated briefly last Spring and this Fall/Winter.  Heterosexual.  Certainly hope H is too... .I assume that's the case!   

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him.  I want to be with my daughter's 100% of the time, not half time.  I believe that the man I fell in love with is still in there and I see glimpses of him sometimes and I love him.

What do you like most about your partner?

The things I like are mostly in the past tense right now but I believe they can come back.  He used to make me laugh, challenge me, we used to share hobbies and interests, we used to be happy in each other's company.  These are all positive memories and I am not without hope that we can find our way back to these things with each other. 

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Addiction.

What do you find most difficult?

Not letting my issues due to my FOO impact the reality of my current r/s.  I have a lot of triggers and H's illnesses get right to the heart of those.  Both of us come to this r/s with baggage and I am diving in and dealing with my past and right now he's not so interested and that's difficult bc we can't move fwd together when we are on such different paths... .IMHO that is.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Alcoholic with BPD traits.  Very high functioning. 



How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Co-dependent but improving, Low self esteem for most of my life but improving, Difficulty standing up for myself without apology but improving, Easily scapegoated into believing I am the cause of everyone's problems- now I am seeing that those who point fingers most typically have lots of issues of their own and I take things waaaay less personally.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

H is in therapy.  I am in therapy.  I go to al anon as well.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Learn more, find others with common experiences since this is not a disease that lots of people understand, figure out how to improve myself and in doing so, continue to work on and improve my r/s[/quote]

[nikky]

What type of relationship are you in?

Partners for 9 years, civil partners for 4.

Lesbian relationship

I have 2 children 18 and 16.

Split up- loads.  Once for a year when we both had other relationships. Though it is always pointed out that I had 2 where she only had 1!

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love her. As I said before I have been in other relationships but we always get back together. Ultimately we can and do compliment one another in lots of ways.

What do you like most about your partner?

I really love it when we laugh together, she is funny. At times it seems like we can talk for hours.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Gambling addiction, constant accusation that i'm depressed or otherwise mad and untrustworthy.

What do you find most difficult?

Secrecy and constant criticism.

How would you categorize your partner?

Alcoholic, gambler, high functioning BPD and NPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

Alcoholic, Codependent and low self esteem, though CoDA has really helped.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

B goes to therapy.Both AA.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Learn and understand, stop reacting and joining the argument. Gain support from others going through the same issues.

[LjoL]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

We have been together for 6 years, married/civil union for 2.  I am 31 and she is 35.  We are a lesbian couple.  We broke up once when we were initially dating.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We both really love each other and our relationship fits for me the majority of the time.  We are similar in ways that are important to me, and different in ways that compliment each other.  I have a lot of respect for her and I feel hopeful that we will have a strong and fulfilling marriage.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is vivacious, smart and can be very caring. 

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

When we fight things can feel out of control and terrible. 

What do you find most difficult?

Setting limits without asking permission.  Having a healthy relationship with my own anger.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits.  High functioning.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Working on co-dependent stuff and some social anxiety.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Lots of therapy going on in our house... .  We are both in individual therapy and are in marriage therapy.  I am happy to say I feeling like I'm in a good spot right now so will be wrapping up my own therapy soon. 

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To remember that I am not alone.  That there a lot of people who understand the chaos and confusion.  To work on self-understanding and speaking up.  For the support and to support others. 

[wheresthelight]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together - we have been together for 4 years

Age - i am 38, he is 39

Married - we are engaged

Children/ages - son 14, stepson 8, stepdaughter 5, daughter 4 1/2, son together 19 months

Living Together - yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up - actually broken up one for about a month after we were together for a year. Threats of breaking up and him telling me it's over, 100's of times.

Sexual Orientation - hetrerosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We are a family, I love him and all of our kids. I have faith and believe in a better future.

What do you like most about your partner?

He has so many amazing qualities, he is incredibly smart, beautiful, funny, driven, charming, charismatic, generous, gentle, caring, adventerous, loving, incredibly passionate, sensitive, masculine, the list really goes on and on

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Dealing with the rages, the constant threats, the jealousy, emotional abuse, money management, raising the kids, disciplining the children, his BPD, PTSD, my mood swings, and depression.

What do you find most difficult?

Validation, trusting him (with my heart, not with other woman, he does not cheat). Letting go of my own stuff, letting go of the anger and resentment that has built up over the years. Trying to remain positive and steady, i have my own issues, and have had a rough childhood ass well, i have trouble with my moods and am often up and down which is a huge trigger for my fiance.

How would you categorize your partner?

He has diagnosed BPD, PSTD, and OCD

How would you categorize yourself?

Definately codependant. I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder (on medication) and believe that i have PTSD, some depression, anger issues, trust issues, I can be needy at times, and fiercly independant at times. Sometimes i feel very inscure, although i think the constant breakups have something to do with that ?

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Yes both of us, he is in therapy for BPD, PTSD, anxiety, anger, OCD etc. I am in therapy for mood disorder, depression, anxiety.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

For support, to learn how to separate his stuff from mine. To learn how to communicate more effectively with him. To learn from other people who have walked in my shoes. I really want to improve my relationship for myself, for my fiance and for our kids. I have learned here that i cannot fix his issues, but i would like to learn how to fix myself so that i can be more validating, less angry and am hoping that in the process it will improve our lives together

[Wanda]

What type of relationship are you in?

I have been married going on 14 years feburary 14th i have three children from a previous marriage  all three children are now grown up and out of the house but one who is mentally challenged and live with us my husband and i went through a theapudic separation once for about a year we were separated 14 years ago right after we got married. i am 49 turning 50 he is 46 he'll be 47 in DEc

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

my husband is a really good person just has a disease, and isn't hard to work with, and due to he keeps improving i work with the relationship. we have alot of good times more then bad.

What do you like most about your partner?

HE met me when my children were little and helped me raised them and he had no kids. i was married before and i always say if my husband now has a disease what did my ex have. my ex never was in the kids life my husband now is . HE has become their dad... and i lov him for that.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

i don't have alot now, like i use to with rages and such  Top challenges now for me is continue to work on the relatioship to keep improving it every day, because one day i will be retired so will he and i don't want it to be horrible my goal has always been to improve things so by retirement i will have no worries and that is happening...

How would you categorize your partner?

my husband has BPD traits he is undiagnoised

How would you categorize yourself?

I use to be very co dependant and have over come that alot although i still can say i am co dependant.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

i went to therapy 14 years ago so did my husband during the time we were separated for a bout a year and i learned alot through that, and it helped me get where i am today.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

i am mainly on here to help others with my story and to get support myself.

[bluebond6]

What type of relationship are you in?

My wife and I have been together about 16 years.  I am 47.  We have been married 8 years and have two boys 10 and 12 years old. I also have a daughter who is almost 16 and is in out home a couple of weekends each month. We live in the same house in separate bedrooms. I was going to divorce her last fall for infidelity and lying, but was convinced to withdraw my papers.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my wife. She is a great mother. We both want our kids to do well.  I realize I am not perfect.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is smart and beautiful and strong. I like when she is happy and we are happy together.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Anger, jealousy, infidelity, poor financial choices, alcohol abuse, verbal and emotional abuse, and well she has not punched me or thrown anything at me in a pretty long time now... .

What do you find most difficult?

Finding the strength to feel good about myself when i am accused of being the sole source of any and all problems in our home.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD seems to fit pretty well.

How would you categorize yourself?

I tend to be co-dependent and am learning how not to be that way. My self image is not naturally very good. I am very sad most of the time truly mourning as I lose the ability to believe my wife can ever be faithful to me.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I went to a therapist a few times myself. She went to a different therapist. Eventually we used her therapist to help us work together.  Then my wife did not want to go any more.  She says I did not want to continue, but that is not true. It was helping, I think.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

My goal at this board is to find other people who have learned how to succeed at being happy and are able to stay grounded enough to provide a stong foundation to help their SO be happy too.  I have really been show a lot of support here, so I come back periodically.

[Salut]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

Married to H for 10 years.  I am 48, he is 51.  No children.  Never broken up, but the topic came up often in first 5 years.  Straight.


What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because we have been each others family.  In spite of all the difficulties, we have invested in a life together  I think life would be more difficult and lonelier without him.


What do you like most about your partner?

My H can be loving and caring.  He is also inventive and just adventurous enough when he isn't on super negative mode.  He is loyal to us.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Negativity, his over reaction and escalation, my inability to handle his emotions and his tone of voice, some differences in values. 

What do you find most difficult?

As we get older stresses are changing and I'm not sure we can handle them together.  I have the most trouble with the roller coaster and his Jekyll and Hyde nature. 

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD I think.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Struggle with low self esteem.  Probably codependent.  Sometimes feel like I must be BPD (fear of abandonment strikes a chord with me).

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

H has gone For a couple of short sessions.  I have gone A number of times over the years.  In current job can get 6 free sessions so neither of us have gone beyond that.  H also went to AA for many years and was a drug and alcohol counselor.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Survive?  It feels like a lifeline right now.

[jardin]

What type of relationship are you in?

About 2.5, not married, no kids, young.  

Living together when she lets me .  

I don't know how many times because it's never clear - even in the moment.  

We're both bi... .respective first same-sex relationship (and both very femme bi's - which adds a whole additional level of new-ness... .and, for S, competition).  

I had no problem being open about it with friends, family, work, etc; S has taken... .substantially longer.  



What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

High levels of lifestyle, value, goals, priorities, sexual compatibility.  We compliment each other well in terms of strengths and weaknesses.  I think we both learn a lot from each other.  We have fun and usually enjoy each others company.  Obviously, love.  

What do you like most about your partner?

But for her inability to maintain/tolerate closeness and truly commit to us, I like just about everything about her.  Smart, funny, silly attractive, strong, hard-working, interesting, pretty awesome all around... .I have a list of like 100 different line items ... .

What are the top challenges facing your relationship??

We continue to oscillate between times of closeness and times of distance.  This is becoming a big challenge because I want more consistency and stability.  

What do you find most difficult?

There are three things preventing me from moving forward with this relationship into lifetime commitment.  First, she has a really hard time letting me have space in her home - for me or my stuff .  Really hard.  She needs a lot - A LOT - of space.  Second, she still refuses to tell a significant number of our friends about the relationship.  Third, sex is inconsistent at best.  

How would you categorize your partner?

This is a hard one for me as I have no background in this kind of assessment.  Based on what I see and have heard from others and S about her past, I believe she has emotional regulation issues that prevent her from getting too close to people.    

How would you categorize yourself?

An actively-working-on-it codependent.  

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She was for a long time - is not any longer - no idea why it stopped beyond S believing her therapist was "done with her."  Me - I am in and out depending on time available in the week - CBT.    

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

At this point, it can be a massive source of grounding for me.  I've come super far in acceptance and understanding... .and continue to pursue the relationship with that knowledge. Even with use of the tools and acceptance and such, we obviously still do have conflicts, swings in momentum, etc.  There are certainly days and moments where things happen and I feel like I'm losing a grasp on 'reality' again - where her perception, stated as fact, is so contrary to what I know as the truth that I start to question everything, including myself.  When those times happen, I come here and read the stories, see the similarities, and listen to the advice being given.  It helps keep me centered so that I don't swing to the left and to the right with her.  This is my primary goal when I'm here - staying centered in the relationship and staying centered as my own individual.  My therapist has often said there can be no other way and this place helps keep me on that path.  

[wdone]

What type of relationship are you in?

living together, not married, no kids, were engaged.  he's broken it off about 50x.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

i am invested after all the time, challenges we've worked through, and the love and intimacy we have.  

i love our connection, our laughter, our sex, our understanding of each other.

i dont' want to start over with someone else... .

What do you like most about your partner?

i like his strength, the way he is a "man,"    his ability to talk to anyone, his face (he's very attractive), his sexual ability, his little boy innocence, his intelligence and spiritual questioning, his pererverance even though life is so hard for him

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

his distancing - my clinging

his verbal abuse - my low self esteem

my desire to marry and have a family - his ambivalence and fear around this

What do you find most difficult?

his lack of commitent, his shutting down emotionally,. and pushing me away

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

all of the above? BPD from what i know, maybe NPD, aspd

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

i have BPD traits, very low self esteem, depressed

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

we are both in individual T, and have been in couples counsleing but not currently...

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?[/quote]
hmmm, good question... .support from people, to give support to others, to relate and not feel so alone, to grow and learn and heal

[wohills09]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 11

Age: 30's

Married: yes

Children/ages: None

Living Together:  Yes

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I do love him and he has a really good side.

What do you like most about your partner?

When he is in a good mood, he is wonderful, caring, funny, and my best friend.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His anger management issues, his putting me down when he's upset, keeping the high's and low's not so extreme.

What do you find most difficult?

Not being able to be "me".  Walking on eggshells constantly.  Being afraid that I'm going to cause him to go off.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits for sure.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No one is in therapy.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To just be able to talk to people and get advice and know that I'm not alone out there.

[Manz30]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 4 years

Age: 30

Married: Yes since 5 months

Children/ages: No kids yet

Living Together: 4 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

1. Went I met her, I felt a powerful, deep connection to her. It has never stop since and I dont want her condition to split us apart.

2. We want to have kids and I would hate to bring kids into this world and have them go through a divorce.

What do you like most about your partner?

1. She is driven and drives me to excel

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Well I am very easy going with people and I dont hold grudges. If someone crosses her once that person usually ends up on her blacklist, even if they are friends or close family of mine. Its kinda hard to deal with this sometimes.

She is normal when sober but when she has a few drinks; I feel like I am walking on eggshells and any small arguments could trigger her off. I had to drag her to the hospital a few times too as well because she attempted to hurt herself when in a BPD crisis mode.

What do you find most difficult?

The fact that sometimes she did attempt suicide during a crisis. You see when she gets into that mood I try to validate her feeling to calm her down, but then when time out time is the only option left, it isnt really time out as I still have to watch over her. I also have to have her give me all her pills so she doest attempt suicide again. I mean for crissake last time she tried to kill herself by eating a whackload of popcorn.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Still I would say her BPD is quite light; only an excessive amount of alcohol (when she drinks a bottle of wine by herself for exemple) will put her in a state where she could have a crisis. On an everyday basis she sometimes see things black or white but overall she controls herself very well.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I am very relax and laid back, and can take lot of use and abuse before I snap. SO sometimes I am not sure if I am "reinforcing" her bad behavior by not reacting right away when she does or says things she should'nt say or do.

Also sometimes I catch myself catching some of her "black and white" view flees.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She is starting Dialectic Therapy in two weeks I am very happy and hopeful as I heard it works very well.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Share with others my experience, seek advice and possibly give some if I can

[Aboutme2011]

What type of relationship are you in?  Married

Years together:10

Age:  me 51 him 39

Married: yes

Children/ages: 1 DD 8/y

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: two

Sexual Orientation:  het

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

For our daughter

What do you like most about your partner?  He is faithful

What are the top challenges facing your relationship? His lack of responsibility and bad influence on our daughter

What do you find most difficult?  I have no companionship with him.  He is immature and can't carry on a conversation.  He tells our daughter negative things about me.  I have no physical interest in him and he is always bullying me about sex.

How would you categorize your partner? 

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )  He is diagnosed bipolar and has very many BPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Trying to make the best of it.  I have anxiety, probably a little codependent


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?  I am planning to start therapy for my daughter and I.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?  I am open to trying to find a way to stay but feel that it would be better for both my daughter and I to move on.

[Nawledge]

Years together: Almost 3

Age: Me - 30 in 2 months, Her - 34 in 3 months

Married: A year next week

Children/ages: I have 2 from a previous (do not live with) and she has 1 that is not mine (she does live with)

Living Together: We are currently under separation, but had lived together for close to 2 years.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 4 thus far

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because we love each other very deeply.  We were best friends prior to our relationship, and still remain so today.  Neither of us can see ourselves with anyone but each other.  We are both willing to work hard to make this work.

What do you like most about your partner?

When we're together, and she's in my arms, it feels like home.  We understand each other on a level most others don't.  We enjoy a lot of things together, both have a strong passion for music and movies.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her mother is very controlling and intertwined in her daughters life.  She has way too much control.  She also invalidates my wife a great deal which makes it difficult for my wife to make any progress.

What do you find most difficult?

Radical Acceptance

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

She Dysregulates a great deal and has a huge fear of commitment, therefore we have broken up the 4 times so far.  Though the last time was more me than her.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I carry low self esteem and have also been diagnosed with Bi-Polar.  I seem to have developed abandonment issues due to my relationship with my wife, and perhaps even a touch of PTSD regarding the situation.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She is in individual therapy as well as DBT courses.  I am not actively in therapy but plan on starting again real soon.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn the tools necessary to live with and develop a "healthier" relationship with my wife.

[The Tigress]

What type of relationship are you in?

(Years together? Age? Married? Children/ages? Living Together? How Many Times Have You Broken Up? Sexual Orientation?)

I'm 50 he is 43.  Together for 17 years.  Married 15 years.  Children: 2 sons, ages 12 and 13.  Living 12,000 miles apart.  Broke up once last year when DH had a very full on heavy emotional affair with a woman who turned out to be BPD and BiP.  Now (according to him) separated.  Both straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him.  I still see through the FOG that the man I fell in love with is still in there and while there is even a grain of hope that we can be together I won't give up on him.  I believe him to be the best possible father for his 2 boys even with his attendant problems.  I want my family back !

What do you like most about your partner?

He has a beautiful mind, is intelligent, funny, creative, cultured, highly moral, good looking and sexy - need I say more ... .

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Distance above all - not easy to reclaim your husband from 12,000 miles away!  Also he has huge trust and intimacy issues.

What do you find most difficult?

At present engaging with him ! I am also trying to work out the most effective form of communication as this has always been really difficult to accomplish with even a physical presence - let alone virtually!  I need to get him to talk with me - but at the mo' he is avoiding me like the plague.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

ADHD, definite BPD traits with possible NPD ones mixed in. Very high functioning. Wholly undiagnosed as he just cannot admit to any problems!



How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Appalled to find that I have been so Co-dependent and enabling for so long.  Low self esteem for most of my life but now have the wherewithal to understand why which helps hugely.  Reclaimed my personal power now but finding it hard sometimes to fight never ending negativity.  Still find effective communication with DH a problem. Fear of confrontation.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Therapy - where we live ? You have to be joking... . Him - see above !


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To help and be helped.  To learn effective tools for communication and conflict resolution, and to hopefully teach from a staNPDoint of my own experiences.  I can't believe I have been so lucky to find this place with all it's resources and friendly advice - it really is a wonderful 'Family'.  Long may we reign.

[AnitaL]

(Sorry for the delay in posting this -- I was out of town for a month and unable to check in during that time)

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: Known each other for 18 years, married for 12

Age: I am 38, he is 39

Married: 12 years this August

Children/ages: two girls, 1 yr and 3 yrs old

Living Together:  yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none

Sexual Orientation: both straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I know the man I fell in love with is still in there somewhere, and he's hurting so much. I still love him and want to help us find a way through this. Plus he's a really good dad to our girls and they love him dearly -- at this point I still want to do whatever I can to keep our family together.

What do you like most about your partner?

He is very funny and smart, and a loving father.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

He blames me for everything that makes him unhappy (hating where we live, not having enough $$ to live where he wants, not having fulfilling work); I can't do or say anything to help move us past this.

His insomnia and depression making everything a trigger

What do you find most difficult?

My response to his accusations tends toward anger, either toward him or inward, so when he's done raging and wants to be friendly or intimate I have a hard time responding in kind.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Many BPD traits, but high functioning; some NPD as well

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Probably codependent.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Tried couples therapy in the past, as well as separate therapists, but nothing really helped.  He's blamed several therapists for not solving his career problems, being stupid, etc. and our couples therapist essentially gave up trying.  I found info on BPD myself after remembering that a therapist I saw several years ago mentioned it as a possibility.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to work on my own responses and responsibility for our cycles of arguing and blame. 

I want to maintain my joyful nature and continue to do things that I enjoy without feeling overwhelming guilt that arises from being blamed for ruining someone's life and destroying their happiness.

I want to share my stories and help others who are in a similar situation feel that they are not alone, because that on its own has already helped me tremendously.

[MaK]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:

Age: 55

Married: Married

Children/ages:5 (blended) 30,27,27,26,24

Living Together:

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:

Sexual Orientation:Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him!

What do you like most about your partner?

He is my equal

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Me: Trust after 6 instances of indiscretion and porn addiction

What do you find most difficult?

Forgiving him and not becoming a victim

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD, PTSD

How would you categorize yourself?

Codependent, Depressed



Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I am in therapy he is not



What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn as much as I can about BPD and learn to cope with this disease for myself, learning to detach and not get sucked into any BPD behaviors.

I want to learn to trust again and not be a victim

I want to be able to tell our story of success

[FullMetal]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 6

Age: 34

Married: yes

Children/ages:  4 and 20 months

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love her, and I want to stay for the kids.  I know the fun-loving woman I married is there, and I want to help her cope with the abuse she suffered. 

What do you like most about your partner?

When she's normal she's a funny, sweet and kind. 

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

the Mood swings, the continual threats of leaving, yet never leaving.  The continual lies.

What do you find most difficult?

Dealing with the lies.  Having to walk around certain issues.  Being accused of criticing her at every turn when I do something she was supposed to do, (clean the kitchen, do the dishes, whatever if she was going to do it, and I do it.  she gets very upset and thinks I am criticizing her about her housekeeping.  If I mention something, like oh this milk has gone bad I'm going to throw it out, she will turn that around again to be that she should have known it... .etc. 

Hardest though is the infidelity.  She thinks I don't know.  But I know. 

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

She has the majority of the BPD traits, She definately has the black and white thing down pat.  She also has been diagnosed and quite reasonably so of PTSD.  And she often will try to provoke me into striking her (I never have). 

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I had low self esteem, it has improved however in the last 10 years, I was depressed a long time ago, and have come out of it mostly.  I still suffer from dealing with some unknown issues, the fact that about 6-8 months of my life are completely gone from my memory is quite disturbing to me.  I know if we broke up, I wouldn't take her back, as I am doing much better now in that regard. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My wife was in therapy.  Her therapist however recently "quit"  I'm suspecting thats not necessarily true, as this has happened before.  I expect the next few months to be her "trying to find a new therapist"  followed by "I'm to busy" etc.  This is a pattern of hers, and although this round of therapy has been the longest, (almost a year and a half)  I expect it to be a challenge to get her back into therapy. 

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn how to cope, and learn to recognize the signs of it, and to be armed with tools to help defuse situations, and make things better.

[macattack]

What type of relationship are you in?

Romantic

Years together: 4

Age: 28

Married: no

Children/ages:

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  many

Sexual Orientation: lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because I love her and she loves me


What do you like most about your partner?

she is caring, loving, supportive of my goals, committed to treatment, honest, beautiful, smart


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Bad people from her past, communication, trust, she always says she is done when we fight, accepting who we both are, co dependence


What do you find most difficult?

Not taking to heart her words & actions or behaviors,.her past in discrepancies


How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? moderate at times when stressed

How would you categorize yourself?

Co dependent, low self esteem


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

[hiswife]

What type of relationship are you in? romantic/marriage

Years together: 4

Age: 31

Married: 3

Children/ages: none

Living Together: yes, 4 yrs

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: never

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him.  I am committed to him & our marriage.  I have a great time with him when we engage in adventures.

What do you like most about your partner?

His curiosity/interest in learning about new things & having new experiences.  When he shows his love for me and tries to make experiences special/memorable for us.  His hugs.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Sex, money & trust issues.

What do you find most difficult?

Talking to him when he is obviously trying to be manipulative.  :)ealing with his dependency & my seemingly growing dependency (I've always been extremely independent; including in past long-term relationships).

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Case study for someone with BPD (when I run down the list of traits, I can check every single box); also exhibits NPD traits.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Use to be happy & outgoing, but would increasingly call myself depressed & codependent.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

no

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I'm not sure.  I want things to get better.  I want to cope better.  I know it will not be easy, but I want to try.

[megocean]

What type of relationship are you in?

For me: in love

For both of us: we spend time together a few times a week, feel close, make love, cook, read, watch movies

Years together: almost 2, this time

Age: early middle age

Married: no

Children/ages: no

Living Together: no

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: twice

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

It gives me great pleasure to be in his presence. I admire and adore him. I feel a deep and abiding connection, like I have felt with no one else.


What do you like most about your partner?

He makes me smile and laugh, he can predict what interests and pleases me. I love to look at and touch him. He is always interesting.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

He wants no involvement with my friends and family. He is threatened by my other important relationships. He rages and is controlling. I need to learn to detach.


What do you find most difficult?

Giving him room, staying out of his way when he is dysregulated. I feel abandoned. I am working very hard on this and it might be getting a bit better.


How would you categorize your partner?

a very high functioning but quite ill BPD.



How would you categorize yourself?

Depressive, a BPD trait here or there, but a therapy success story in that I have developed tremendously during my life and years of therapy. A way to go, but maybe getting there!

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

In a psychodynamic therapy now, but have done (and studied professionally) some DBT skills

He IS a therapist, but not in therapy.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn what has helped others improve their relationships. I have learned quite a bit already, thanks

[evelynn]

What type of relationship are you in? Engaged

Years together:1

Age:38

Married:not yet

Children/ages:12- mine before this relationship

Living Together:not yet

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 4

Sexual Orientation:lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? I am very much in love with my girlfriend- she is fun charismatic and I feel that I can share anything with her- other than the problems I have with her.  We share a common love for animals and nature.  WE love where we live and have a desire to be better people.  WE compliment each other in many ways


What do you like most about your partner?  She's smart, beautiful, thoughtful and caring


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Distance and combining daughter and pets


What do you find most difficult?Her mood swings and inability to live in the moment- she can't accept my unavailability and I have an adopted daughter who also has abandonment issues


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits- highly isightful of emotions of hers and mine- withdrawing- overspending and thoughtful of me- she started drinking more and smoking- gambles


How would you categorize yourself? Codependent with a lot of carried fear


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I go to 12 step meetings and weekly therapy and have spent time away since being in this relationship


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To increase my awareness of BPD- how to take care of myself and my daughter in this relationship

to figure out where my codependence and compassion  might put me emotionally at risk- or even my daughter

How to make my relationship with my BPD girlfriend be healthy- as I love her so very very much

[ForMeNow]

What type of relationship are you in? commited

Years together:  17

Age:  me 51 her 41

Married:

Children/ages:

Living Together:  17

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none

Sexual Orientation:  lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love her, she is smart, brave and so strong. (even though she questions the brave and strong)

plus 17 years is too long to just give up.

What do you like most about your partner?

she is so strong and willing to work so hard to better herself.

she takes my breath away when she enters a room... .still.

she loves my children and grandchildren.



What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

She lies so easily... .and I am done supporting any lies.


What do you find most difficult?

dealing with my anger and accepting that I cannot take things personal


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Bipolar-Borderline Personality disorder-Narcisistic, heavy on the latter


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

healthier than 3 years ago... .

low self esteem codependent and drepressed... .Blah

but working towards being more healthy



Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

we are both in therapy... .she also goes to a chemical dependancy program and an outpatient program on BPD.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com

for the this to be an extra insight added to my therapy

to be comforted in knowing I am not alone. 

And to offer my experiences with hope it may comfort others.

[hnejeknf]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:4

Age:me:27 him:34

Married:no

Children/ages:his first son 9 NC, our sons 3 and 6mths old

Living Together:4

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: non

Sexual Orientation:hetrosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? it will be worth not give up, for the kids, for us. to make a happy life for us.

What do you like most about your partner? not sure at the moment,


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? substance abuse, repect


What do you find most difficult?


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com

[pointblankdp42]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:2

Age:me:29 her:28

Married:no

Children/ages: None

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none

Sexual Orientation:heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I want to be able to settle down and hopefully start a family and have a good amount of stability and support in my life.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her sense of humour, her open mind and acceptance.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Right now, the top challenges are our sexuality (or lack of), alcohol consumption (there is none right now, but I would like to be able to drink once in a while without making a big scene about it), and I guess a little bit of jealousy that comes with the BPD package.

What do you find most difficult?

Not seeing or feeling any kind of physical intimacy aside from hugs and little pecks. Although I've read some of the boards and I see some don't even get that, so, part of me thinks I shouldn't even complain... .


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Diagnosed with BPD and OCD.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? ) Some traits of low self esteem/codependency. Only get temporary depressed when I don't feel "loved" by my partner (due to lack of physical intimacy).


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Yes, she is. I believe it's psychodynamic or Masterson approach mostly.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com

My goals are currently to find ways to cope with the pain I'm feeling in the relationship and find some guidance as well, especially as I feel like I'm in the dark concerning her therapy and don't know how to ack/behave right now and find it very difficult to "hold myself back".

[isilme]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 15

Age: Both 34

Married: No

Children/ages: cat

Living Together: 14 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation: M/F

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I can't imagine anyone else in my life.  I love him.  I know he loves me, he just has trouble being consistent and considerate about showing it.  We've shared so many years of our lives I can't give up and walk, short of an abrupt and exponential increase in his behaviors during dysregulation.  We are a 'family' with our fur-babies.  He has supported me as best as he could during the fallout from both my BPD parents through the years. 

What do you like most about your partner?

He can make me laugh and smile.  We share so many common interests, I find him attractive (when we met I thought he was too attractive to ever notice me), and following just a few early conversations we just clicked.  He's creative, got a head full of great potential ideas for writing,

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

I am recovering from the people-pleasing, problem fixing, indentured servant, self depreciating behaviors taught to me as a child of two PD parents.  BF is the child of at least one PD parent, and his own BPD makes it hard for him to feel loved, respected or even liked.  He struggles to accomplish 'normal' things, like keep up with class when enrolled in college, keep a good work relationship with most co-workers at many jobs, and to finish projects.  He self sabotages through procrastination born from fear of failure - "If I never try, I can't be said to fail."  Likewise, I think he pushes friends away so they can't leave him first, and he tries to push me away, refuses to go through with marriage all because he's convinced I plan on leaving him at some nebulous time in the future.  He also has a rebellious streak where he feels he's in control if he refuses to do what is asked of him, especially with regard to his siblings and parents.  eh wants to be loved and liked, but can't see how his actions make it hard for them to do so... .and his siblings share some BPD issues of their own in varying degrees, making it hard for them to get past real and perceived wrongs. 

Our needs concerning physical and spoken affection are at odds very often.  I want and feel a need for hugs and reassurance pretty often during the day - not surprising I guess.  He feels stand offish, distant, and only seems to be comfortable with affection via sex, and even then he has issues about worrying I am judging him, I don't like him, etc. 

What do you find most difficult?

I am a pleaser.  I still fight my desire to 'fix' everything to feel worthy, and to enable my BF by doing for him what he really needs to do for himself.  I feel sad at times that I feel I need to be hyper-aware of his possible moods in order to avoid dysregulation and rages.  I feel sad that I am in a role where I feel I cannot rely on him to be emotional able to support me when I am in a weak place; I feel I am there to help support and guide him, but he can't really reciprocate in the manner or to the extent I want.  It's difficult because developmentally, he is about 5-10 years off his chronological age at times, and is 'behind' where he feels he should be, and I have to silently agree at times.  I sometimes feel anger or resentment (I hate that) for being the one who has finished school and taken up breadwinning, cleaning and all 'adult' things for a long time, and now he is barely 'catching up', and I don't want to feel angry about him not working or finishing school when I know it's a lot to blame on this condition.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

I see him as mostly BPD, with a lot of abandonment issues, a lot of trouble reacting in a more adult manner to problems, he takes offense at what seems like nothing, he never lets go of an insult or injury, and each time a person hurts him, it's like they've hurt him to the magnitude of all hurts in his life, not in proportion to what really happened.  He has some NPD traits, needs to put himself up by bringing others down, wants recognition for things he considers doing but never starts or rarely finishes, feels he should be regarded as super-smart and super-accomplished, but hasn't shown the credentials to back that up, and believes people should know he's smarter, better, stronger simply by seeing him, not because he's shown them in any way.  He is often passive/aggressive - angry if you didn't read his mind about what he wants, protests by ignoring requests or things he knows you want to be done (house hold chores are a big one, here), and is chronically late and somewhat poor with money. 

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem - Co-depdenent issues.  Depressed at times.  I have my own abandonment issues, but they seem to make me cling to people more than push them away to 'get back at them first'.  I am trying, now, to sort through how I was programmed as a child and find better ways to deal with things in my life.  I am learning that everything is not my fault and that I cannot change another person or convince them of anything they don't want to hear. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No - Both tried it various times - guess the resources in our area aren't that helpful, an/or neither of us is/was ready for help in that manner.  Message boards help me so much more than any therapy I have been to. 

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn better how to recover from my abuse as a child, and how to help myself and my BF improve our life together as a couple.  To help learn healthier ways to think about and do things. 

[Pandarine]

Years together: 7

Age: Him: Newly 28. Me: Nearing 29 (about an 8 month age gap) His emotional age has always been several years behind.

Married: 2 years

Children/ages: Unable to have children, thank God! Would like to have pets but can't right now due to housing situation.

Living Together: Not before marriage, except for the week and a half we were homeless before we got married. (Long story)

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Our story is a strange one. I will try to sum up what happened without going into much detail. Here's the gist: We tried to be together for five years amidst my family force separating us, and then when we finally got married it didn't fix everything like he thought it would.


I grew up in a hyper conservative homeschooling family that believed in arranged marriage. When I was 20 they introduced me to a man they were arranging a marriage for me to. I did not know this at the time. When I was 21 I was allowed one semester away at college, under that guy's wishes.

I met my husband during the first week of that semester. We had common interests, and as we talked, I found that some areas where he struggled I had been in my own life. It was not my intent to really "help" him, only to support him as he went along. I did not see any evidence of BPD at this point, just some anxiety and Asperger's symptoms. We had a whirlwind romance, getting engaged three weeks after we met.

At any rate, we did not have long at college together because he developed lupus and had to return home to Massachusetts for treatment. I wasn't allowed to go back to college that next term, and fortunately the guy my family wanted me to marry bowed out because he saw I didn't want him (why would I? He was twice my age... .literally!)

Well, my husband's family was verbally abusive toward him and living there for treatment for the next two years seemed to throw him back ten years emotionally. I would have to stop a major panic attack over the phone pretty much every day during those years.

Then his family was going to put him in an assisted living home and well, he's mentally quite brilliant, so that wouldn't have been a fit. My family decided to let him live with my aunt and grandparents. My aunt is a self-professed "holistic nurse" who thought everything could be cured if he ate a raw food vegan diet. This left him in a starving state (literally, he was on less than 1,000 calories a day) and as a result he now has ballooned back up to 240 pounds and cannot stand the idea of losing weight- everything is black and white for him, thus starving is the only way to lose weight.

However at the same time as bringing him out to where I live, they sent me off other places. I had never been allowed to have a job, drive a car, etc. so by the time I was 26 I was still totally reliant on my family- exactly the way they wanted things to be.

Eventually there was nowhere else to send me so they brought me back home and we were closely chaperoned around each other. Eventually we ran away, became homeless, and eloped.

We are Christians who firmly believe in "for better and for worse" and it was shown during our engagement. To leave now that we are married would be saying that the past hasn't prepared us.

What do you like most about your partner?

I LIKE the fact that he is very passionate. If there is a wrong in this world, he wants to fix it. Unfortunately he doesn't seem too get the fact that he cannot solve the world's problems. He has a real "righteous anger" complex.

He is an artist soul, well, of the writer kind. He has a rich inner world he strives to get put down on paper- unfortunately sometimes his righteous anger gets in the way.

He does genuinely love me (despite what is said about a lot of BPD) and wants to help me when needed- but he can't.



What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Unfortunately along with the "righteous anger" thing comes an overprotectiveness of me. If I am even slightly annoyed about something and talk to him about it he picks it up as another of his crusade causes. He can't even handle his own problems, let alone mine. So I've just stopped talking to him about anything serious at all. If he can't solve my problem, all of a sudden, he's "bad, evil, need to die, should just go ahead and kill myself so you can be free... .you'd be better off."

His emotions are so all over the place that he ends up being exhausted early into the day. Either physically or emotionally, I don't know, but it ends up that he cannot help with minor household tasks like the dishes, putting sheets on our bed (we've gotten into full blown arguments because he was so frustrated at putting sheets on a bed.) Unfortunately, my limbs are too short to reach the faucets in the back of the kitchen sink so I can't do the dishes, and the counters are too high. Thus, our kitchen has not been cleaned thoroughly in over a year, and our dishes have not been entirely washed for over a month. It's attracting cockroaches, and then he panics over them because it's ptsd to back home where cockroaches roamed his house growing up.


What do you find most difficult?



I just want to be able to talk to him about my own emotional help without him having problems. I'm pretty emotionally deadened but occasionally I have my own issues.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Sees the world in black and white, there are no shades of gray.

If someone meant to help, but ended up hurting instead, they are "bad, evil, demonic" no matter what their intent was.

Often feels evil or bad, or sometimes nonexistent.

Constantly changing moods, gets angry at the littlest things (such as politics in a game,) becomes suicidal if he gets less than a B average on a quiz or test.   

Diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, Tourette's syndrome, Major Depression, BPD.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I have low self esteem. I have always been large no thanks to my Cherokee ancestry, so I look fat because my ribs are huge even though I'm not actually overfat. I also have trichotillomania so I am pretty much bald+fat+ugly.  I don't think I'm codependent. I would say I have minor depression but I don't have money for therapy or to get anything checked out. We're still just one step from becoming homeless again. Only his student financial aid and his SSI are keeping us afloat. Without the financial aid we would most certainly be homeless.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My husband was in therapy, but hasn't been since June. The only counselor in our area who takes medicaid doesn't know how to deal with BPD, and always says, "well just ignore it, stop worrying about it" to every thing that he brings up.

[DiggNitty]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 6 yrs

Age:59

Married:Yes

Children/ages:None together

Living Together:Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Never gotten to that but have had my things packed many times.  Have spent 3 days away from her after an episode.

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my wife.  She needs my love and I need hers.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her free spirit which is now buried by work and its stress.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

She is in denial about her condition because she believes she should be that way due to her heavy stress level in her career as a nurse.

What do you find most difficult?

Her condescending attitude and inability to understand simple things in a conversation, turning those simple things into a huge stand off, with her being the only right perception of the topic.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Generally, very happy, great attitude about life and living it.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My wife sees a psychiatrist regularly.  He just gives her renewed prescriptions.

She also goes to a pain clinic for pain management.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To find stability for myself with my SO and tools to help her.

[shammick]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 16 yrs

Age:36

Married:Yes

Children/ages: 2 sons - one four years; one 4 weeks

Living Together:Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Twice before we married; after marriage in-house separation for 3 months before reconciling

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love her, and want to make it work.

I don't believe divorce is an option except in cases of infidelity.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her passion, her intellect. Her spontaneity, her ability to engage with me and draw me out. The way she relationally complements me in many areas.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Added stress levels, adjustments to 2nd child, now 4 weeks old.

She has never completely faced her issues, and becomes defensive if I bring it up.

The way she triangulates our children into conflicts in order to gain an advantage, using them to hurt me, and trying to drive a wedge between my older son and I.

My desire to protect my sons, and my feelings of powerlessness at the abuse I see them witness and experience, the FOG.

My desire for intimacy but failing to receive it.


What do you find most difficult?

Her manipulation of my son to get him on 'her side' in conflicts, her wanton disregard for his emotional well-being and inability to regulate her self in conflict for his sake


How would you categorize your partner?

BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

I am vulnerable to:

Low Self Esteem

Codependence

Depression

But generally responding in a positive and healthy way given my predispositions

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I have been in the past, but not in the last two months. Spiritual counselling.

We went through a period of marriage counselling about 10 months two years ago.

She saw a psychologist for a short period (six sessions) for post-partum depression about 1 year ago.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Find some additional emotional support and insight during what seems like will be a period of escalating conflict (with birth of 2nd child)

[Wanda]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 14

Age:50

Married:Yes

Children/ages: 2 sons - one daughter ages 27 23 19 the kids are not his...

Living Together:Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  once for a year a therapudic separation \

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

[What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

/color] I love him he isn't that bad since i set my boundaries and used the tools.

What do you like most about your partner?

HE can be funny and we have alot in common. He has helped me raise the kids he is more of a dad then their real dad.[What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

/color]  REmembering he has BPD sometimes i forget to use the tools and boundaries and when he acts out i forget it is due to a condition. so i guess my challenge is remembering because with my husband easy to forget.What do you find most difficult?

when my husband acts out and it isn't towards me it is towards someone else and i have to listen to it but know when he sees them it is very stressful due to his anger he has towards them. and they have no clue... .

[How would you categorize your partner?

/color] HIGh functioning BPDHow would you categorize yourself?

 codependant but very strong and understanding and accepting .

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

use to be me for co  dependancy him for his anger ... HE won't admit to any personality disorder.What are your goals at bpdfamily.c To help me remember he has BPD also to help others and get support

[momtario]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 10

Age: 28

Married: yes

Children/ages: D-almost 8; D-5; D-2.5

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:

Sexual Orientation: once, a long time ago; almost twice

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? Our children, and I am an eternal optimist; I can NOT believe (or will not) that there is no hope for him


What do you like most about your partner? On his good days, we make an excellent team; it's sometimes like he can read my mind -  we have known eachother our whole lives, and on his good days, he really "gets me", even though I am a little off. (aren't we all? ) and I know he really does care, even when his pain gets in the way of him being capable of showing it. He does really try.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

the fact that he is uBPD, so he doesn't even understand what is happening inside of himself, and is unaware of the pain he causes us.

What do you find most difficult?

setting boundaries and navigating the FOG. I've been lost in the fog for what seems my whole life.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

uBPD with some NPD traits or rather some NPD  he picked up from his father

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

low self esteem, codependent I've picked up a few BPD traits

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

no, but it is on my to-do list to see a T

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

to learn the tool and ways to put them into practise; to verbalise the things I am experiencing with ppl who understand, with anonymity

[yeeter]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:  11

Age:  48

Married:  10 years

Children/ages:  S7, D5, D3

Living Together:  Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  None (moved out for a short stint, and was within one week of divorce court date hearing.

Sexual Orientation:  This last drought lasted over a year.  I never dreamed I would have a celibate life.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I believe it will be better for my children with me directly involved in their day to day lives

I believe that as an ex, my wife would be insanely difficult to deal with, would brainwash my kids against me as a bad/evil person, and would make life difficult at every opportunity she had (which would be a lot, and would involve a lot of legal time).  So in effect, fear.

I do enjoy being part of a family unit

Pure stubborness in admitting that its a complete failure

My wife IS a good mother (90% of the time) - caring, compassionate, competent


What do you like most about your partner?

Competency (she is crazy smart, and capable and competent)

Hard worker

Great mother



What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

I dont really like spending time with my wife.  By far, this is the big one.  I try to avoid 1:1 time with her unless its focused around child rearing activities.  I have to 'will' myself to do things with her because I 'should'


What do you find most difficult?

The extreme positions on various things.  The circular arguments that go nowhere.  The uncertainty of what will upset her.  The constant need to have everything work out 'perfectly'.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

NPD traits

BPD traits

Dramatically improved from the first 3 years we were together (which was severe emotional abuse!).  At times it is almost normal - but a bomb underneath waiting to go off makes it difficult to relax and be myself around her.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Coming out of depression (which lasted for several years)

Codependent a little

Low self esteem at this point (which was definitely not the case at the beginning of the relationship)

Basically, this relationship destroyed me as a person and I am trying to ground my own identity again, and rebuild my sense of person


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Two years T for me.  Currently switching to one with more experience with PD's.  Early marriage T for me, and early marriage MC for both of us.  Over the last two years we have tried 5 different MC's, with very limited impact.  Its HARD to find a T that can actually make a difference!  Wife just informed me she wouldnt go back for a second visit with the latest one, so again its been reset to find a MC

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Learning.  Learning how to cope/deal with the realities.  Learning about myself, and why I choose to stay - because if I was advising myself I would advise to leave.  Learning tools to help manage the relationship.  Gaining clarity and conviction for myself in my decisions.

[Gentle_Girl]

Oops... .redoing this.

[Gentle_Girl]

What type of relationship are you in?

Brand new one.

Years together: Only 2 months.

Age: I am in my mid-40s, he is 50.

Married: Neither one of us are married, but he has been divorced twice and

I have been divorced once.

Children/ages: None. Neither one of us has children.

Living Together: No. Feelings very strong, but have yet to meet in person. Presently

a long-distance relationship. I don't even know if he will even like me romantically in person, or just want to be close friends only. Time will tell.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None.

Sexual Orientation: He is bisexual and I believe he sometimes has that gender identity confusion or sexual orientation confusion trait which is said to sometimes happen in people who have BPD.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We have chemistry together, at least I hope he feels it for me, just as much as I

feel it for him. I wish he'd fall madly in love with me someday.

He's a lot of fun and I would love to be around him as much as possible.

What do you like most about your partner?

He's protective over those he cares about, like a real man should be.

He is excellent at giving me steady communication and has not disappeared from me.

His strong work ethic.

He quit smoking and I'm very proud of him for doing that.

Deep voice, handsome.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

I have to wrap my mind around the fact that he is bisexual and that is tough to accept and deal with. I would never try to change him, I know better.

Another tough challenge is the "push-pull". One day I am his focus of affection, but then the next day, no, not so much. Then the day after that or a few days after that, I get his sweet, wonderful attention again.

What do you find most difficult?

Please see above.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Borderline Personalty Disorder traits but I figured this out all on my own and could be wrong.

He never told me he had such a thing. That is just my guess.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I am a person with OCD-Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I am not, no, not presently. However he MIGHT be going to some sort of anger management class right now, since I think maybe it was recommended he go to one... .recommended by one of his bosses.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn and to also give back all I can. I really appreciate the words of wisdom here, and the people so much.

[Happiest]

What type of relationship are you in? Married (me - for the third time , him for the second)

Years together: 5 1/2

Age: Me 57, Him 39

Married: 6 mths

Children/ages: all mine D34, S25, S24, S20, D19

Living Together: 5 years on and off

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: more than 6 probably 9

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I really like my husband (when he isnt dyfunctional) He is fun intellegent and loving. We like mostly the same things and I like being with him. I like sharing my life with in a strong relationship.

What do you like most about your partner?  He is fun intellegent and loving. Has a good sense of humour.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

He looses track of the truth, gets depressed and aggressive, and we fight a lot. Mostly about his temper or expecting too much from me financially. It wears off on me and I have difficulty not getting angry when he is not respectful.

Also he owns everything and has his parents have paid for a large chunk  of this house we live in. I want a place of ours so I can be free to enjoy OUR/MY home.


What do you find most difficult? That I am expected to contribute to the improvements and maintenance on a property that NEVER will belong to me and if anything where to happen to my husband I will be on the street.

Added to that, we simply cannot discuss sensitive issues without him loosing his temper which in turn gets me hot headed and frustrated.


How would you categorize your partner? BPD traits

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?    - possibly Co-Dependant. although I have moved out and got my life toether a number of times. At the moment depressed

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? Yes - him for the last month. wanted to stop but I had issues with him stopping. I will start therapy again in a week His therapist in a phycoanalyst, but he has only seen her three times. His other councellor is a male who deals with directions and spiritual healing.

. We have seen three T together, attended workshops together and both had individual T for approximatelly 10 times each.

I dont know who is best for me to see at this point and am looking for someone.

[littlefoot]

What type of relationship are you in?

We're talking about moving in together and eventually getting married.

Years together:  Off and on for 4 yrs.

Age:  I'm 59, he's 41

Married:  We're both divorced, each married just once decades ago

Children/ages:  He has a grown son living in another state

Living Together:  Still live apart

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: not sure- in the past we were "just friends" most of the time, and when we did have a "dating" relationship it would last a day or two... .then he'd get mad and we'd not even speak for weeks, even months.  Gradually, we've spent more time together then apart.  We had a disagreement a few days ago and didn't see each one day- did e-mail and talk on the phone, but I told him not to come over.  That's when I joined this site.  Each time we get back together we talk more and seem to understand each other more.  We both want it to work.

Sexual Orientation:  heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?  I do believe I love him and I even believe he loves me.  Neither of us like to be alone.


What do you like most about your partner?  He's funny, he can be very sweet at times.  And probably most of all, I really like all the effort he puts into his recovery! 


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

We both have been hesitant about relationships because of past problems.  We both are bipolar and depending on what psychiatrist you talk to I may also be borderline.  In the 1970's I definitely displayed borderline traits- but I've worked hard to overcome them.  I don't believe I would meet the DSM criteria for borderline today, at all.

Probably the greatest challenge, I think we'll face- if we move in together- is financial.  We both have disability income.  His income is greater, and he's only been receiving it for a matter of months.  He has not been able to live within his income or even close to it.  I've very frugal, and despite my income limits he owes me close to $500 just in this month alone.  I admit I'm very uncomfortable about this.  He has borrowed from me the past and always paid me back.  He has the greatest earning potential and wants to work.  He doesn't want me to work, and if we move in together I know I'll have to spend a great deal of time picking up after him.  He's a total slob, something I've actually found rather strangely endearing.  If he can work and I can become the housewife he says he wants- and I want- it can work.  But, that's a big "IF". 


What do you find most difficult?  The way he handles money.  I've done without so much in my life and I'm scared!

My last relationship was ten years with someone who is multi-fractured DID.  When his system completely fell apart, I was devastated in soo many ways.  In 2006, I spent 3 winter months living in my vehicle.  My health isn't good, and I can't let myself get into that situation again.  I may not have another ten years to wait for someone to get their life together, and I don't want to lose myself trying to save him.


How would you categorize your partner?  Definitely BPD.  He also has a history as a sex offender and narcotic addict.  And that is where he's accomplished so much towards recovery.  Plus, he's bipolar- but quite stable since he's been on Lithium.

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )  I'm bipolar with a few BPD traits.  Probably co-dependent, too.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?  At the moment, neither of us have a therapist- for financial reasons.  We'd both like to find therapy we can afford.  Both of us have Medicare as our only insurance.  He also attends NA and I attend OA- though, he's between sponsors and only goes to meetings when he has the gas to drive to the next county for the meetings.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?  To understand my part in this relationship, make it work- if it can, and if it can't- to move on without losing myself in the process.

[aubin]

What type of relationship are you in?

We've been dating for a year and moved in together at 10 months. We separated just a few weeks after moving in together. Before separating, we had discussed marriage and building a family. Although the last few months have been hellish, I feel almost lucky to have found information on BPD so early in our relationship.

Years together: 1

Age: I'm 37, she's 30.

Married: No, but it had been discussed

Children/ages: No

Living Together: Not anymore, we separated two weeks ago

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: this is the first major breakup (others lasted literally hours)

Sexual Orientation: lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We are definitely still in love with each other. Additionally, my SO is well aware of her condition and wants to change so I have faith that some progress can be made. The challenge is whether I can cope along the way.

What do you like most about your partner?

The same thing I don't like about her: her passion.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

We've lost trust in each other.

What do you find most difficult?

My biggest challenge is getting through my SO's rages unscathed and especially not feeding into them. Her anger is severe and total. I just don't know how to deal with it. There are other challenges but this one actually scares me at times.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Definitely BPD and also a history of depression. Some histrionic tendencies too.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I have a history of depression and, more recently, anxiety. Also, diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. Normally I'm a fairly confident and proactive person. But I've become reactive in the context of our relationship and my compassion has turned into codependency.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My SO has been in therapy for most of her life. I've been in therapy off and on over the years. I'm trying out a new therapist right now. We've also committed to seeing a MC.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?[/quote]
My goal right now is to learn as much as possible about MY role in the BPD relationship. I'm also looking for some support as this is something that I'm not able to talk to friends or family about.

[itsaconspiracy]

Years together: 3

Age: Im 27 she is 28

Married:No

Children/ages:N/A

Living Together: Not at the moment

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Too many times to count

Sexual Orientation:Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? Beause the two of us are still in love and I only want to be with my girfriend who has BPD not anyone else. She is the love of my life and at times we feel like soul mates, neither of us have felt this with any of our previous partners and we hope to one day get married and have children, of course when we have done somthing about both of our issues.


What do you like most about your partner? I find her extremely physically attractive. I love her love and we feel very comfortable together when there is  no turmoil in our lives. She is also very fun and generous, we have alot in common.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? Mental anguish, extremely intense arguements. Everything about our relationship is intense. Trust Issues, Long history with not everything being good. Family interfering in our relationship and our lives. Alchohol abuse, ex drug use. Mental illness (BPD and others).


What do you find most difficult? Communicating our issues, getting out of this rut.


How would you categorize your partner? BPD Traits, Anxiety, depression, delusions.



How would you categorize yourself?

Depressed, Anxiety, possible bi polar. Alchohol abuse.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? I am seeing a psychologist to work through my issues. Have done anger management in the past. Girlfriend is currently staying in a mental health ward at a hospital in the city where I hope they are helping her.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? To learn about my girlfriends illness and to understand how she feels and how I can best deal with our issues and work out ways of treatment so she can become well again.

[Lencha]

What type of relationship are you in?

Romantic

Years together: 1.5

Age: Me 34, she 20.

Married: No

Children/ages: No

Living Together: No, it's a distance relationship since few months

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Several, usually for less than an hour, a couple of times for 2 days

Sexual Orientation: hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I thought we were meant for each other, no longer sure about it.

We can both improve ourselves since we connected at such a deep level, also due to her condition which forced us to.

I just want her to get on track with her life, doing my best to support her until I'll have a positive grip on her and until she will be so vulnerable.



What do you like most about your partner?

She is young and beautiful, she's funny, lively, insightful and has moments of phylosophical genius. She's also extremely sweet and good hearted. She loves me and is committed to me despite everything.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

To keep my career while being constantly drawn to her dysregulation. It works also from the distance.

What do you find most difficult?

To trust her. To resist her manipulative attempts at letting me drop everything for her.  To deal with her crisis shen she is needy and with her silence when she obviously is entrateined.



How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD big time. Totally chaotic, inside-out. 

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

No longer Co-dependent, that's one thing I managed to control. I'm depressed seasonally, avoidant, narcisistic tendencies and a drop of obsessive compulsive traits.



Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I'm in therapy, we just talk. I've been introduced to Mindfullness meditation by my T, is making a huge positive difference in the way I feel and behave.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To share my experience, rationalize what I can and receive constructive inputs though the comments. It made the difference for me when I was feeling very, very, very down. Might have saved my life not to feel so unlucky and isolated. THANKS.

[myfault]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:  3 married for 2

Age: Im 46 H is 41

Married: 2 years (separated since Nov 2011

Children/ages: him - daughter 17 ,  me -  son 14

Living Together: not any more

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: more times than I can count, but this is the first separation

Sexual Orientation: hetro.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

at the time - I loved him, I said the vows, thought we were soul mates

What do you like most about your partner?

He was funny, seemed caring, loving honest

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

they were money, honesty, abuse, neglect

What do you find most difficult?

How someone could say that they loved you then abuse you verbally and mentally

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, diagnosed bipolar

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Codependant

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Me for codependancy


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

to help others to share my story and to grow to understand that there is life after BPD

[juliakgd]

What type of relationship are you in?

Romantic (engaged)

Years together:  That's so complicated. I was always dating someone else, but he was always caring for me for two years. Finally 9 months ago we started dating, and now we're engaged.

Age: Im 20 H is 21

Married: in 6 months and 20 days!

Children/ages: N/A both of us are incapable and don't want any.

Living Together: yup!

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: up until last October, once a month, so... .4 times?

Sexual Orientation: mine: pansexual his:bisexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him to my very core, and I get physically sick when I think of my future without him. I truly believe he can get better, and he's already made headway, and I can trust him again. I can see us having a happier future than I've ever imagined with anyone else. He is my equal.

What do you like most about your partner?

He cares about me even when he "hates" me. He cares for me when I'm sick. He loves me unconditionally. He was there when no one else was. He loves music. He loves my dogs    I could go on forever.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

abuse, lying, rages, trust

What do you find most difficult?

trusting him again, although I have managed to build up quite a bit, he finds ways to knock it back down.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

diagnosed BPD at the very least traits, NPD, dependent, avoidant, former addict/alcoholic, bipolar I with psychotic features

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Codependant, recovered BPD traits (diagnosed) anorexic, GAD, panic disorder, schizoaffective, severely depressed, severely low self esteem.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both of us. For our relationship, and how to help each other.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn, and to share my experiences.

[DandG4evr]

What type of relationship are you in?

Friendship

Years together: 8

Age: 22

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: As friends, I think 3 times?

Sexual Orientation: mine; straight.  Hers; bisexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I miss the positive side of our friendship; our friend group was a tight unit, and I've grown enough as a person (and she's growing as well) that I'm hoping to give this another try, a healthy try, and have us both be friends again.  She can be so fun-loving, and we share a lot in common, and if it works out I think we could be very good friends to each other.

What do you like most about your friend?

Her sense of humor, her willingness to be spontaneous, her intellect combined with her wit

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her willingness to seek treatment (currently is seeking but this has changed before), and my defensiveness and hypersensitivity to negative behavior.  I am also struggling with how she speaks of me behind my back, because it's like I'm hearing of a second person who isn't even related to me; so, perception of each other I guess.  It's hard figuring out how to work on what I need to, without being unhealthy to myself

What do you find most difficult?

Being patient, and being emotionally detached.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD; I'm not sure about other traits... .? Recently she has struggled with some depressive thoughts and anxiety but I feel like those can tie in with BPD.  Also, struggles with self-image quite a bit due to health problems related to her weight and family's reaction.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I've struggled with depression before, and when this friendship first started in jr high I believe we were both highly codependent, with me desperate to make a new best friend since I lost my old one.  I also struggle with body image and low self esteem.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My friend is in therapy, but won't share too many details and I haven't pried since I'm glad that it has been helping her (I suspect cognitive-behavioral from the description but I could be wrong).  I am not currently in therapy.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

  To understand the problems and difficulties we're having are not unique; to try to gain insight into what I can do, to form proper boundaries, and to decide if this friendship is salvageable.  This site has been helping me determine if it's possible to form a healthy relationship as a friend; I haven't figured it out yet. 

[argyle]

What type of relationship are you in?

Married.

Years together:10

Age:39

Married:8

Children/ages:1/3.5 years old

Living Together:9 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Depends.

Moved out: 0.  :)emanded divorce: ~100

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

1. Love

2. Child

What do you like most about your partner?

Good person. Honest, smart, and compassionate.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

At this point - sustainable, stable, and nurturing living situation for all of us.

1. Sleep issues BPDw

2. Rage issues BPDw

3. TV issues BPDw

What do you find most difficult?

Co-parenting - poor parenting from BPDw. Also, essentially single-parenting toddler.

How would you categorize your partner? (I tend to think of things as on a spectrum)

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD: 9/9 criteria (self-harm is weakest... .hairpulling, most of 9 are clinical)

NPD: 5/9 (bordering on nonclinical for the 5)

ASPD: significant lack of remorse

PPD: paranoia is primarily, but not entirely, transient

Asperger's: Probably not clinical - but sensory overstimulation issues and inability to understand social cues or multitask, coupled with excessive honesty are not typical of BPD/NPD.

Schizophrenia: Probably not. Some hallucinations - probably medication-related.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Asperger's: Around typical level for math contest winner, nonclinical, score a fair bit below the threshold on all the test's I've taken.

Schizoid: Non-clinical, excepting reduced emotional affect - which is probably clinical. However, therapist thought that I was not a mild person, so... .eh.

Schizophrenia: No symptoms, but I feel a real bond.

Depression/Mania: Yes.  Subclinical.  (Blah vs happy days, predictable patterns)

Low Self Esteem: Possibly, but not very.  Cautious/prone to self-doubt and overanalysis

NPD: Light on compassion

Codependent: Typically score low on the attitude-related quizzes, but I have picked up codependent behaviors during the course of the marriage.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

BPDw: DBT + individual

A: 8 individual sessions for support, a DV counselor, currently concluded

BPDw+A: MC

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

1. Learn about BPD: mostly done

2. Identify common R/S patterns: mostly done

3. Companionship

4. Learn coping strategies/detachment strategies: mostly done

5. Child-rearing tips with disordered partner: in progress

6. Give something back

--Argyle

[momtario]

I just re-read my own post here; I made an error that could get confusing. We broke up once a long time ago, and we are straight. 

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:

Sexual Orientation: once, a long time ago; almost twice

[LoveNotWar]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 3.5

Age: 55

Married:  1.5 years

Children/ages: I have a grown daughter, no children for him

Living Together: separated while he gets some mental health help

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: We are doing a separation but still committed to working on the r/s.

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

He is my husband, I made a commitment to him and  I do love him.I can see very clearly how miserable he is and  I want to support him through therapy and see if we can make something better out of our life.


What do you like most about your partner?

His sense of adventure. I am pretty active and I never thought I'd find someone my own age who could keep up with me. He got SCUBA certified so he could SCUBA with me, he ran  5 and10Ks with me he will hike, camp, ski, climb a mountain, go to a concert, ... .the only thing I can't talk him into is a sky dive.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His terrible raging and anger that escalated into physical aggression. We dated long distance for two years and were married about 6 months before I ever heard his anger but the last year has been tough and the last 3 months have been a nightmare.

I blamed myself until his rage became so terrifying I knew it couldn't really be me. We are separated just now but, thankfully, he is getting treatment and we have a plan to work through this. Just hope he continues in therapy.

What do you find most difficult?

Not taking his terrible comments personally and I am trying very hard to identify my boundaries.

Also his physical aggression has been the most scary and stunning thing I've ever experienced. This is the reaon we are separated.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD... .out of 9 characteristics I count 7. He was Dx during a mental health hold because of suicide attempts.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Coming out of a depression, starting to find my center again. I have some codependent traits, I'm a caretaker, a cheerleader, I like to please and I want everyone to find the joy in life.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both of us. I went first when I realized I was depressed, stressed and not functioning well. He is in therapy and started after he broke my wrist. He likes his therapist... .so far.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To gain knowledge, learn strategies, share with others in The same boat and get some support.

Report to moderator     Logged

[real lady]

What type of relationship are you in?

Engaged for a year after being apart for over 25 years; high school sweethearts/first loves

Years together: all together, over 32; one year since reunion

Age: 49

Married: not yet

Children/ages: none together, one son, age 10

Living Together: yes.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: before our breakup years ago; we had "broken up" several times in 6-8m before "final" breakup

Sexual Orientation: hetero; he is "IT"

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love this man. I loved him while married to two other men; he is "IT" for me... .I have missed his love and the "way we were" and hope that we can "get back" there and even be better... .We feel like "soul mates" and really do have a strong "soul" connection. He is my lover and friend an I want this to work because he is the only man I have ever loved and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

What do you like most about your partner?

So many things; he is so intelligent, witty, funny, "weird" and easy to get along with (usually), he loves animals, has many talents and skills, is "underappreciated" by so many and he is generous and taken advantage of by "friends". He is starting to establish boundaries and his self esteem is rising; I think my influence has helped in this area.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Facing him NOT accepting his emotions and working out of them instead of "hearing" what I said. He "hears" what he is feeling and I end up "arguing that I didn't say that" more than I like. I am done with that. I told him that any comments that he might say that are intended to hurt me, won't anymore. I have found that being emotionally detached in ways WITH the knowledge of what I am facing is THE challenge. I walk on eggshells as they say but I have GREAT compassion and love for him. His biggest challenge is "facing himself" and that is what he will need to do to improve our relationship. I fear "not loving him" or having my love for him hurt by him but I think I might have just passed that hurdle.

What do you find most difficult?

When he yells and it makes no sense. I hurt for him. I can only imagine the RAGE and RAW emotions that he is feeling, but I cannot take responsibility for them. I am "not pushing his buttons". I am TRYING to TALK with him logically and sometimes get NO WHERE before I am BLAMED, ACCUSED or THREATENED with rejection. It is at a critical stage and NOW is the time to face it.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

So far, I believe BPD through and through.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I was just thinking about this as I was driving this morning.

I was DELUDED into thinking that he could NOT possibly have ANY PD since I had just divorced an OCPD/NPD (son's father) and recently became a NON christian... .

I think that I have been depressed, codependent but it was due to DENYING the possibility of BPD with him. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not yet. I told him last night "I want to see a counselor"... .I also said that I will NOT talk to him about this without a counselor and when he starts a no win-circular argument, I am "nipping it in the bud" and will say "I will not talk about that. I want to see a counselor. If you would like to discuss that more, I suggest you write it down and discuss it with a counsellor yourself".  (I will repeat this like a mantra; or something similar)

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To get the wonderful affirmation of what I am dealing with and that I CAN do everything that I am able and I am MORE than willing to learn anything I can to help him see and work on his BPD. I appreciate this site... .thank you.

   

[alf1976]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 6

Age:36

Married:5 months

Children/ages:Not yet.

Living Together:2 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation:Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? Bottom line is I am in love with the core of this human being who is a great friend and companion.  Underneath all of the "stuff" is a fantastic guy whom I adore.  I've seen and experienced him! He is a great provider and a wonderful father to his adult children.  We plan to have children in a year or two also.

We went through alot of personal turmoil together before we got married having to do with our former spouses and have been each other's "rock" for a long time now. We worked hard to get where we are now in our relationship. Unfortunately, his part of the rock is beginning to crumble severely and I know my husband is ill, but I also know that he is a very kind and loving man with a lot of strength and courage who deep down doesn't want to live this way.  He wants what we all want (peace and contentment and security) but has no idea how to get there.  He knows that something is wrong but has little faith in counseling or psychiatrists due to some mistakes made by the last one he saw. Anyway, I know it can't ever be cured, but it can be managed and now I know there are sources which will allow me to change and better myself, too, so I can assist him better without being codependent or enabling.


What do you like most about your partner? I love my husband's kind, generous, loving, and super intelligent nature.  He is very courageous, driven and amazingly talented in his work.  We have many common interests. He can be funny and charming, sentimental.  He is also a good provider and great father to his children(who are grown now).


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? Rapidly and ever-changing expectations, rapid mood swings, unpredictability behaviorally, the fear that nobody likes or loves him, the belief that he is a "monster", alternating between valuing and devaluing people, overtly and covertly controlling behaviors, raging with verbal attacks and sometimes physcial outbursts (he's never hit me, however), inappropriate behavioral responses, attention- seeking behavior, narcissism, lack of consideration or understanding of boundaries of others, black and white thinking, projection/splitting, manipulation, fear of being alone suspicion, paranoia,dissociative episodes, massive depression, anxiety, feels overly guilty and hands out guilt trips.  the list could go on but I will stop there. Bipolar complicates the issue.


What do you find most difficult? To be honest, I don't think I could pick just one thing.  It is all there and some days one or more thing is more bothersome than the other.  It's a complex system that creates a surreal hell.


How would you categorize your partner? There are elements of bipolar, but BPD traits seem to be the most obvious and predominant.

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? ) For me, I am certain I have codependant features and I suffer from Bipolar Disorder type II


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? We just started couples counseling with our pastor this week as we have reached a crisis point - AGAIN in our relationship.  Both of us know SOMETHING has to be done.  However, with this new knowledge, I realize that it is more than just communication issues,.  There is a disorder tha is going to make any therapy very difficult.  But we will tread on.  I am going to get myself in therapy and work on me.  I can't change him. I can oly lead and support where and when he lets me.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? To gain insight, give and recieve support, learn and grow so I may make the best informed decisions in the future regarding my relationship with my husband and our life together.

[artman.1]

What type of relationship are you in?  Married, Children have grown up and left home. Near retirement.

Years together:47

Age:65.7

Married:43.7 years

Children/ages:38, 39, and 41

Living Together:yes, own home

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Never

Sexual Orientation:I am a Male, Het

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? Lifelong Love


What do you like most about your partner?  she is my partner in life


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?  Lack of Intimacy


What do you find most difficult?  her emotional irregularity, and distrust.


How would you categorize your partner?  BPD traits (7)

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?  Codependent

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?  I am seeing T for two years for Codependent, and for my ability to deal with her BPD


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?  Better RS by working on me.

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

What type of relationship are you in?

Married

Years together: together 12 yrs, married 6

Age: 34

Married: Yes

Children/ages: 2 girls ages 7 and 4

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: twice

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my husband and want to stay by his side.

What do you like most about your partner?

He is a great father. I love seeing him interact with my girls.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Closeness, lack of connection, intimacy


What do you find most difficult?

All of it really. We have been in this battle for most of our time together. There was a short honeymoon period in the beginning then it was shear chaos.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Definitely BPD. It's insane to me the connection that has been made between his behaviors and the traits of BPD. I think I've always know just didn't realize there was a name for it.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Depressed, codependent, anxious

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

At the moment we are seeing a marriage counselor. Its a bit nerve racking after all that I have read.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To reestablish a life with my husband and to learn the tools I need to take care of my family while having support of others who understand.

[EverHopefulinFL]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: inseparable for 2, dating for 1 and a half, engaged for six months

Age: 24

Married: not yet

Children/ages: none net

Living Together: for a year

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: he threatens everytime we fight and I packed my car and returned my ring upon his request once, but we have never officially or publically broken up

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

All of my answers are cliches: I feel like he truly is my soulmate. He can complete my sentences on good days. We have so many things in common, and I feel like he understands and accepts who I am better than anyone else (on good days). I cannot imagine a life without him. I cannot deny that part of me believes if I give up on him, no one else will ever discover what I have discovered, and he will never find happiness within himself or in a relationship. I want the world for him, and I want to share it with him.


What do you like most about your partner? Above all else, he can make me laugh when the rest of the world is falling apart. He knows exactly how to put a smile on my face. He is beyond intelligent; he is someone that I can have very interesting conversations with and share my views with. When I need a different perspective or someone to challenge me, I can always count on him. Some of the things I've learned make him BPD are things I have grown to love about him over the years; He's so caring and kind towards me and makes me feel like I deserve the entire world with a bow on top. He always puts others first, and he is incredibly handsome.



What are the top challenges facing your relationship? Aside from the obvious, we started our journey as friends. This means that he got to hear about other men that I was involved with before him and during the time of our friendship. In terms of falling for one another, I was several months behind him so he has always felt like I settled for him. To this day, he hasn't let go of this resentment and everything is my fault as a result. Secondly, he is an EXTREMELY sexual person, and I am simply not. He tells me all the time that it's so obvious that I settled for him because I've never been capable of showing him half of the passion I expressed towards other people when we were just friends. He refuses to just accept that I don't enjoy sex more than twice a week, regardless of who I'm with. He has an explosive temper and is extremely irritable, fueled further by his degenerative back injury that leaves him in crippling pain the majority of the time, regardless of his 70 hour work weeks as a sheriff's deputy. His pain makes everything worse, as does his BPD.



What do you find most difficult? Up until the time I discovered that BPD is what the underlying problem has been, I've been on the brink of insanity trying to understand what keeps happening and why I can't make him understand anything or believe anything I say to him. I have a BA in psychology and will be going for an MA in school counseling, so he already knows that I am clinical and curious by nature. Each time we would fight, I would try to understand where his feelings were coming from and point out things like "Love, last week you told me if I do X again, you'll be angry. Now you're saying you're angry because I refuse to do X. This doesn't make any sense. Can you help me understand?" This question would send him into a rage and I would be accused of being a cold robot who doesn't care about his feelings and only wants to "psychologize" (as he calls it) everything and try to analyze him all the time instead of loving him. Now I understand the validation principle so this will be easier for me. However, the things that are most difficult for me are having to swallow being snapped at and scolded and called annoying and selfish all the time. If I cry during a fight, I'm being selfish and making it about me. If I don't cry, I'm cold and have no emotion. It's always lose lose. I hate having to ignore logic with the one person I should be able to bare my soul to; finding logic is how I survive. I also have no sex drive at all right now, with everything that is going on. If I want to stay in this relationship, I have no choice but to dig deep and find a sex drive or it will cause rage and chaos that I simply cannot emotionally handle anymore. Finally, He is all I have in this town I live in. My parents are an 8 hour car ride away, and all I have in town are acquaintances and a job that I loathe. I feel alone in this problem. I also feel guilty for keeping all of this a secret from him. I know that it's in his best interest and the best interest of our relationship, but I still wish he could just understand things the way we do.



How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

undiagnosed/in denial BPD/my therapist thinks he has NPD traits/I think he suffers from dysthymia and substance abuse (binge drinking)

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

OCD traits, very anxiety prone, and definitely codependent


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I have been in therapy for years because I find it healthy to maintain a realistic focus on your emotional well-being. My therapist has acted as a mentor to me in recent years as I've embarked on my pursuit of graduate education, and has recently become a huge help in my relationship since I've entered into the rage phase and do not handle confrontation well at all (it frighens me, and I shut down in the face of it, which of course infuriates my BPD even further)



What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

For now, my goals are to learn as many valuable tools as I can to communicate more effectively with my BPD to end the cycle of conflict so that I can get out of the FOG. Ultimately, my goal will be to assist him in facing this problem and putting in some work on his end, or learning how to live without him. He is beyond worth this fight and I plan to give it all I've got, but I can't spend my life fighting this battle alone. If he won't face the music one day and help me help him help us live a happy healthy life together, then I'm going to have to move on and I know I am going to need a TON of support to do that successfully. I'm here to empower myself and to provide whatever support I can in return for everyone out there who is, or hopefully was, as afraid as I am.

[Triptoes]

What type of relationship are you in? Married.

Years together: 2.

Age: 25 (me) and 31 (him).

Married: 13 months. (Married too fast? Oh yes, we know. We knew even getting into it. There just weren't many options for staying together at the moment.)

Children/ages: None. And staying that way until/unless we can improve our mutual relationship.

Living Together: 1,5 years.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None. But we've come close.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him. He loves me. When in a good place, we really do compliment each other well, can support each other's goals and have a great time together. We share similar values in life and could have a great life together if we can make it work.

What do you like most about your partner?

He's superbly witty, intelligent and incredibly funny. He's very fun to be around socially and interested in all kinds of quirky things and weird people _

[Raychel]

What type of relationship are you in? Married

Years together: total not quiet 2 1/2. Engaged 1yr. 2 mo. Married 1yr 1mo

Age: 29

Married: yes

Children/ages: no

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him and want to see him get better. I am full of hope.

What do you like most about your partner?

he has a big heart and is caring

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

his mood swings, how he takes his medication, how he just discovered alcohol makes him "feel calmer"

What do you find most difficult?

getting him to realize what he's doing is self distructive

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD and I think also PTSD (although he was never offically diagnosed with PTSD)

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

depressed and low self esteem

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My husband is and I will be soon

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

to share my story with other people and to let them know they are not alone.

[tiffneymarie]

What type of relationship are you in? Husband has undiagnosed BPD (and possibly unknown others)

Years together: 7

Age: 43

Married: Yes

Children/ages: From my previous marriage: Daughter 15, Son 14

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Once

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I see good qualities in him.

He's made improvements on his own, already.

Financially.

He (on good days) supports me and understands me.


What do you like most about your partner?

He's very smart. And know so much about things I don't.

He has helped me teach my children responsibility and respect.

He is good at things I lack in.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His raging.

He won't seek treatment or listen about BPD.

He often stops taking his medication and then lies about it.

It ALWAYS has to be about him.

His opinion is the only one that counts.


What do you find most difficult?

His raging.

He doesn't have any friends to go do things with so I never have some time to myself.


How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits


How would you categorize yourself?

Depressed, anxious


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

No, I've had years of therapy but I'm considering finding a support group.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I hope to find out more about BPD and ways I can learn to communicate more effectively. I hope to learn more about my role in the relationship and I want to learn to set boundaries and keep them. I want to learn how to keep my children safe from emotional abuse that might arise. I also want to learn how to be able to go and do normal things with family/friends on my own without the constant harrassment of my husband to come home. Finally, I want to figure out if staying with him is an option I can handle.

[kimberlysc]

Type of Relationship:

Years together:  14 1/2

Married:  Yes

Children/ages:  18 (previous relationship for me) 13, 11 all boys;  a bird, 2 dogs, 2 inside cats, one and a half outside cats, a parrot, 2 ducks, a chicken, 3 or 4 pigeons

Living together and have never broken up

Top reasons i want this relationship to work:  God

What I like most about partner:  loves animals as much as me, will cook

Top challenges:  kids, and having to spend every second with H

Most Difficult:  boundaries

Categorization of Husband:  BPD, depressive disorder

Categorization of myself:  an enabler

Therapy?  no one

Goals at BPD Family.com.:  the main one would be boundaries

[jmjarman1]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:  15

Age:  49

Married:  No.  Unmarried Spouse. (Let_

[gina louise]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 3, married one

Age: 55 him, 51 me

Married: yes

Children/ages: he has 3 , I have 4- range from age 30 to age 16.

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: once, before we got married-But if I listened to him it would have been at least 6 or 7 times this year, as he tries to force me out every time he rages!

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I like being half of a couple, I appreciate the comforts of having a steady r/s with one person, when he's in a stable mood things are good, he's a good provider, we have common goals and interests, we started out as friends so there's not a lot of secrets, he can be a good listener, he's welcoming to my kids and his kids are like my second family, he's been supportive of my hobbies and interests-although when he's dysregulated-nothing on this list seems show up!


What do you like most about your partner?

he is funny, he likes a variety of activities, he's proven himself to be a good friend to others, he shares his day and wants to hear about mine-even if I never left the house,

he is affectionate and enjoys spending time with me,


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

I am not sure that I can deal with his inconsistent employment, our first year of marriage he sat 9 months with no job and wasn't looking very hard, until his savings ran out at the end. He was playing solitaire online!

Dealing with the unpredictable rages/blame and accusations is unsettling... .I already raised 4 kids, I don't know if I want to *raise* another one, who may never grow up.

His lack of empathy, irrational behaviors and selfishness may be what pushes me away, ultimately.

His extreme self-centeredness makes him less appealing as time goes by.

What do you find most difficult?

Dealing with him when he's emotionally volatile. Having to be the only real adult in the r/s most of the time. His emotional immaturity and acting out can be both frustrating and embarrassing.

I don't have a stable partner that I can lean on for support-most of the time I feel I am holding BOTH of us up!


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD/NPD ... .he had everything but the self harm and cutting behaviors-although he does pick at his skin til it bleeds. he has an adult history of impulsive, demanding and irrational behaviors; stole $ from family members when they refused to loan it, poor financial decisions, large gaps in employment, bought expensive items and but neglected to pay for them... .history of substance abuse and alcoholism, string of failed r/s, splitting, rages, blame,

He had T as an adolescent for depression, and as an adult. got a dx he claims of bipolar(*or something* he said)-but he denies having it. he's perfect. he's wonderful.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I do not see myself as CoD, not depressed, neither NPD or BPD. I feel that I have a healthy sense of self, and I can set and insist on boundaries. That's why I may opt out of this r/s... .if I don't see healthier changes. It's not what I want out of my life. I already had a failed marriage with a bully... .who I believe was NPD and was a silent rager.

I am stronger now-and not willing to sacrifice myself for a r/s. I am not afraid to be alone again.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

not yet.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to be able to learn and practice the tools that help me to exist with this person close to me who exhibits unstable and unpredictable behaviors. To enable myself to better cope with his instability, and navigate through choppy waters. And to better understand his disorder-so I can see him for WHO and what he is and not what I want or need him to be.

GL

[flyfisher]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:

Age:

Married: y, 25

Children/ages: yes, teens to young adult

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  0

Sexual Orientation:

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? I do care for her and still find her attractive. Investment of 27 years together, wanting to build on that for the future, not to punt and start over. Following through on our values and committments and to 'finish the 2nd half' together. Example to kids and others.


What do you like most about your partner? Very sociable. Good sense of humor. Nurturing and caring. Committed and faithful.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? Communication. Acceptance and grace for differences. Inconsistency in dealing with issues and each other. Emotional drainage.


What do you find most difficult? Hearing statements that are not true stated as accusations and fact without ability to discuss. Threats based on "low points". Recycling issues that were agreed to be resolved. Listening to the same things excessively repeated. Neediness. Being accountable for anothers 'happiness' and 'peace'.


How would you categorize your partner? Traits of several PDs but no official diag. I would say 'medium funtioning'. Long history of depression and anxiety.

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself? (NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? ) Not diag with anything. Maybe mild depression related to r/s and long term stress on several fronts. Physically healthy, stable and steady. Battle worn, recognized that changes 'had' to be made in me and our r/s, got to the critical and unmanagable point. Learning about codependent behavior and trying to implement positive change in myself and our relationship. I believe my love, committment, and stability has crossed the line to unhealthy dependency on me and expectations of me; therefore became codependent traits in me. Working on 'righting the ship'.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? W has seen p-doc for over a decade. We have been in marriage counseling for over a year.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? To learn more about PD traits, how others successfully deal with it, to recognize poor behaviors in myself and to make positive changes, to learn how to more effectively lead in my marriage and family.

[cindyr]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 27 total (divorced from eachother for 6 of those years - remarried without knowledge of hb BPD diagnosis - he has not been told of diagnosis).

Age:54

Married:yes

Children/ages:31 and 28

Living Together:yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Family experience

Financial


What do you like most about your partner?

He is sensitive and caring.

He has a strong sense of providing.

He is the father of my children.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His perceptions and reactions due to them.

Me 'reacting' to those perceptions.


What do you find most difficult?

Deferring and NOT defending.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low Self Esteem/Codependent


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

YES!  ME!  To work on ME!  I can only control one person in our relationship... .me.

My relationship with myself is most important, my relationship with our family nucleus is my value to

continue to work.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To 'see' objectively.  To understand my part in the dysfunction. 

[HenrySarria]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: .5, friends for 7.5

Age: 23 (me) 22 (her)

Married: Engaged

Children/ages: None

Living Together: No

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: First time

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

She's my best friend, and I love her. We're both better off together, even if we're just friends. I've invested quite a bit into this.

What do you like most about your partner?

She's kind, caring, loyal, and brilliant. She's been through hell and just keeps on going. I really admire and have heaps of respect for her.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Distance; she's in Australia and I'm in the US. She's undiagnosed, and I didn't realize she was BPD until after things went bad. Boundaries.

What do you find most difficult?

The distance. Dealing with her in detached protector mode.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD completely.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Asperger's syndrome. A bit depressed now, and was a bit codependent.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She's in therapy for bipolar and PTSD. I see tdoc for no specific reason, was for anxiety but I'm over that.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Understand BPD and learn ways to help improve our relationship.

[Cardinals in Flight]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: in "relationship" 1 yr. total 2 yrs.

Age: 48 and 52

Married:No

Children/ages:me 3 home, her none

Living Together:NO

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  once

Sexual Orientation: lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

  The feelings are deep, and mutual


What do you like most about your partner?

  She is thoughtful, funny, intelligent, makes me laugh, we share many ideals, and are opposite enough to attract...


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

  the balance so she does not feel smothered or engulfed


What do you find most difficult?

  learning to trust after initial rage incident, during holidays last year

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

on the low end of the BPD spectrum, some NPD traits

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

codependent traits, surfaced during this r/s before I knew about BPD, sometimes low self-esteem

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I'm in talk therapy, have been for years for various issues... .


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to continue to be a good "friend" or significant other to my pwBPD, reading here bolsters what is a continual learning curve.  It's also beneficial in dealing with others in my life as well.

[rollercoaster24]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together; almost 3

Ages; Him 45,  Me, 44

Married; No

Children; Him 0, Me 2, (oldest 22 and living with me with her partner, the other 19 and lives with his girlfriend and her family)

Living together; not anymore

How many times have you broken up: my partner breaks up with me twice a week

Sexual orientation; heterosexual



What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work; the hope for the future, and all the things we can do together, the shared values, and the love.



What do you like most about your partner?

His sense of humor and zaniness, his core values, his kindness, his ability, his intelligence.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship;

my partner facing his demons, and my ability to cope with his illness.



What do you find most difficult?

Doing all the right things, the validation, the boundary setting, and I am still attacked anyway...

How would you define your partner;

BPD, with possibly some delusional disorder or rapid cycling bipolar. NPD traits thrown in.

How would you define yourself;

Low self-esteem. social anxiety. lack of confidence.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, for what?

Yes, I am, but my partner is not... I am for low self-esteem, support, validation of my feelings from someone who really understands.

What are your goals at BPD Family?

I am trying to learn how to achieve a better relationship, by applying the lessons learned here... there have been times when I have succeeded, but mostly I am pretty confused, and cannot see many improvements...

probably need to post some more, and try to apply the lessons... maybe post better, that way it is easier for others to make suggestions if things are clearer...

[Scarlet Phoenix]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: almost 3

Ages: He: 37, me: 38

Married: No

Children: No

Living together: We recently decided to move into separate apartments to have a  little more personal space

How many times have you broken up: 3-4 times, but only for a short time. My dBPDbf has also told me many, many times that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Sexual orientation: him: heterosexual, me: bisexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work:

We have a deep connection and passion for each other, share many of the same values and we want the same things in life. We also have a history that goes a long way back. He was my first real love, back in the late 90's.

What do you like most about your partner?

He's intelligent, funny, passionate, full of ideas, honest, loyal and generous.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship:

The dynamic between his BPD-behaviours and my co-dependence, coupled with the fact that I've moved to a foreign country (his home town) to be with him. Also a difference when it comes to being introvert/extrovert.

What do you find most difficult?

Detaching with love has been hard, and "getting out" in time when the tension rises. And not having been able to rely on him for support after moving here. It's made me feel extremely lonely.

How would you define your partner:

BPD, high functioning

How would you define yourself:

Co-dependent. Some anxiety issues.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, for what?

Yes, we both are. He's in cognitive therapy for his BPD and I'm in therapy to deal with everything that's happened since we got together and also some old wounds.

What are your goals at BPD Family?

To learn, learn, learn! About BPD obviously, but also to see myself and my reactions in a clearer light. To find comfort and support.

[LetItBe]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 10 months followed by 6.5 months NC, ended NC 2 weeks ago

Ages: 39 (me); 33 (him)

Married:  No

Children/ages:  No

Living Together:  No

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1

Sexual Orientation:  Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?  

We connect SO well on so many levels!  We have a deep love and appreciation for each other.

What do you like most about your partner?

He's very empathetic, intelligent, thoughtful, and we share many common interests and ideas, some of them very quirky and unique to us.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

The biggest challenges were his need to withdraw vs. my need for contact, his mood swings, his twisting of my words, my PTSD.

What do you find most difficult?

My biggest difficulty since we just started communicating again is balancing giving him space so as not to trigger his engulfment/abandonment fears vs. letting him know I care and he has a green light with me.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD/PTSD with some dissociative traits

How would you categorize yourself?

PTSD with some BPD traits when triggered

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

He's been in consistent therapy for 8 years (not sure of all the details).  I go to therapy on an as-needed basis, recently for the RS issues I was having and also FOO issues.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

More self-awareness, greater understanding of BPD, to learn how to better support myself and my BPDex

[Wishful thinking]

in?

Years together:2

Age:33 H44

Married:2

Children/ages:H2

Living Together:2

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1

Sexual Orientation:straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him.


What do you like most about your partner?

Hes funny. Warm hearted. Loves animals. Kind.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Trust.


What do you find most difficult?

Being painted black.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD


How would you categorize yourself?

Depressed. Hardworking. Lost. Tired.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I was for 3 years.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn about BPD and how to deal with crisis.

[lostinthefog]

What type of relationship are you in: Long-term, committed.

Length of Relationship: 6 1/2 years. 5 online, 1 1/2 in person.

Age: I'm 31, she's 33

Married: No

Children: None

Living together: Yes

How many times broken up: Many, always initiated by her

Sexual Orientation: Both straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We both love each other very much and feel that despite our problems we have a strong relationship that's worth holding on to.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is incredibly smart, funny, engaging, thoughtful, beautiful, fun to be around, many shared interests and the things we are opposites on work out well.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

For her: Lessening her symptoms to the point where she can manage her daily life and live more normally

For me: Finding ways to cope with and lessen her BPD behaviors

For us: Lessening the amount of conflict and chaos

What do you find most difficult?

- Remaining supportive and happy

- Re-establishing trust in her

- Dealing chaos and destructiveness that her BPD causes in my own life

- Her lack of seriousness and effort when it comes to getting better

How would you categorize your partner?

Moderate end of the BPD spectrum. Acts inwardly (Waif characteristics) when depressed or lacking confidence. Acts outwardly (Queen characteristics) when feeling more confident. NPD traits, notably lack of empathy towards those closest to her. NPD mother, antisocial and physically/emotionally abusive father with some BPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

History of anxiety and depression. Codependent with her BPD, possibly related to my own mother having been severely BPD during my childhood.  BPD Mother/Codependent, but otherwise normal father.

Is anyone in therapy?

Yes, me. During the course of our relationship I've been to six different doctors on my own for my anxiety and later, for coping with her BPD. When it comes to treatment for myself, I've had CBT, neurofeedback, hypnosis, EMDR, group therapy, numerous medications, and hundreds of hours of regular therapy. My anxiety is now nearly gone, even without medication.

She went to a few sessions with my last psychotherapist, but, to make a long story short, it didn't work out well and she hasn't been anywhere since. It's been a year since then and she's finally scheduled with a new doctor for next month.

Goals at bpdfamily.com

To learn how to better deal with her BPD, how to take care of myself when things are bad, and hopefully to improve our relationship

[Scufflin'On]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:  31 years of marriage, 8 years as friends before

Age:  53

Married: Yes

Children/ages: 2 daughters, 30 & 28

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I am deeply in love with her and also believe that marriage is a commitment for life.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is still my best friend.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her physical and mental health issues effectively isolate us from social life

What do you find most difficult?

Keeping a balance and having my own emotional needs met.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

She has suffered from major depression and anxiety nearly all our lives. She often needs to be the MOST needy person. She seems to depend on me for all her emotional well-being. She suffers from dissociation. Doctors are split upon whether she's MPD (Mulitple Personality Disorder) or BPD. 

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I get sucked into being codependent way to much. I suffer from depression which stems from my own past issues, but also from the stress of living with pwBPD.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I am hoping to get my wife to go back into therapy. I had stopped therapy but am meeting with a new therapist this coming week to start up again.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I need to find support for myself, suggestions on how to keep our relationship alive and to grow as a caring person myself.

[Sugarlily]

What type of relationship are you in?

Together just over 1 year, living about 4-5 hours apart. Broken up once and just in the process of getting back together after 2 months apart.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We both care deeply about one another.

What do you like most about your partner?

Sense of humour and fun. His care and support when things are good. He understands me better than anyone else. He is really caring and will give time to people who others see as difficult.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Insecurity from both sides which can lead to cyclic arguments. We trigger one another at times. It is difficult to settle into a happy committed relationship.

What do you find most difficult?

Not setting off his triggers. When he emotionally distances himself, especially after things have been good or we've been getting closer, leaves me unsure where I am with the relationship.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

NPD and SPD traits.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Yes I am in therapy mixed methods and BF is waiting to start CBT next month.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To understand BPD better to support my BF and improve our relationship. To understand my role in causing issues in the relationship and change those patterns.

[Scattered]

  I just signed up last night and am very pleased to have found such a supportive and informative site... FOR FREE! You all are a Godsend! Thank you!

What type of relationship are you in?

Heterosexual engagement

Years together: 2y 4m (engaged almost 2y)

Age:40m 34 him

Married:

Children/ages: 1 together 1y/o (I have 5 total, 24,23,19,18 & 1) he only has our one.

Living Together: Most of the time together (he moved in with me)

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Every argument he either says he's leaving, or gives me an ultimatum, Never acts on it... but I believe he has cheated.

Sexual Orientation: Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? I love him and believe he loves me (as best we both can) I have been a huge quitter in the past. God & Our daughter.


What do you like most about your partner?

He is funny, loving, attentive, we have things in common and he has some better habits then me that I feel balances us and makes me better


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Contradiction, projection, rejection (esp. sexually) from him, My reactions and tendency to view myself as the victim


What do you find most difficult?

Reactions not fitting the situation


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Depression maybe PPD, Low self esteem, procrastinator, somewhat codependent, used to be promiscuous with commitment and trust issues.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We both have an appointment to do individual consult and start couple's therapy in a week or so.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Support and helpful information I can apply.

[.auto86]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:

Age:

Married:

Children/ages:

Living Together:

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:

Sexual Orientation:

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?


What do you like most about your partner?


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?


What do you find most difficult?


How would you categorize your partner?

He suffers anxiety problems but I would desribe him as the love of my life!


How would you categorize yourself?

I have been diagnosed with BPD by my therapist, at the moment I can only describe myself as a monster


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We have both been in therapy but lack the funds to continue treatment

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To find guidance and support from people who suffer my disorder and from people who have lived and had relationships with this disorder

[.auto86]

What type of relationship are you in? Long term

Years together: almost 5

Age: 27

Married: 1 1/2 years

Children/ages: NA

Living Together: 5

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: never been apart fut almost finished 3 times

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

My husband is the love of my life and the reason I unserstand this part about myself, He makes me want to be a better person

What do you like most about your partner?

That he is my best friend, my rock and we are a team

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Me

What do you find most difficult?

conflictive situations involving my husbands feelings caused by me.


How would you categorize your partner?

He suffers anxiety but he is a wonderful man


How would you categorize yourself?

I have been diagnosed with BPD by my therapist and at the moment i would call myself a monster


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

we have both been in therapy but I lack the funds to continue my treatment and i have been doing well without it

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

to see support and guidance from people with similar issues

[ludsgirl1]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 13years

Age: Me 36, Husband 39

Married: 5years

Children/ages: b8 g17

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1

Sexual Orientation: Me Straight, Husband Transgender

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I care for him, we both deserve a happy healthy lifw. And I said I do for the good and bad.


What do you like most about your partner?

Im findong this question hard right now


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Honesty/communication, trust.


What do you find most difficult?

Twisted thinking, mind reading.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits?

BPD. NPD. Avoidant


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Attention Deficit Disorder- Inattentive

PTSD

Severe Depression

Introvert

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Me yes, counseling monthly.

Psychiatrist not that much. As she put me on Vyvanse for my ADD and it made me OCD and not eat so I stopped them.

Husband no, waiting on DBT training.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Hope, familiarity.

[Kevinmac]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 9 mos

Age: I am 58, she is 29

Married: No

Children/ages:  She has a 10 year old from a previous marriage

Living Together:  Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  I have left our apartment thinking the relationship was likely over 10 or more times, but we have never been apart for longer than about 12 hours.

Sexual Orientation:  I am hetero, she is bi

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I have to say I don't understand it in a way.  We have interlocking needs, interlocking strengths.  Things about her that would drive most people crazy do not bother me.  She makes me very very happy, usually.  She is extremely attractive, and 30 years younger than me, I would be a liar to say that is not a factor.  But in the end, I have fallen hopelessly in love with her.  And she is making a stronger effort to overcome her demons and make our relationship work than any person I have ever seen.

What do you like most about your partner?

Wow.  She is very loving, very affectionate, both sexually and non-sexually.  She makes me laugh a lot.  And she is never boring.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

BPD.  I read that after some amount of time, she is likely to "split" me the other way, and leave me.   There are some factors that make that less likely for us, but I still worry about it all the time.  Other than that, while we have our problems, we both keep working them, and they have gotten better enough that I don't see anything else on the horizon that could pull us apart.  If she is deceiving me and cheating on me, or something else bad like that, as others here have experienced, that could do it.


What do you find most difficult?

She completely ignores me frequently. At first I thought it was the pulling toward/pushing away BPD behavior, but my new therapist thinks it might be object constancy type stuff: that when I am out of sight, she loses connection with me, and has to reconstruct her image of me every time she sees me.  But I am still trying to understand it.  It has been a big source of conflict, and my girlfriend knows it, and tries to avoid doing it, but I think it is just a core part of her personality.  Anyway, it is the top thing we are working on (my therapist and I, and to the extent she can, my girlfriend).

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, DID, mild schizophrenic

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I'm pretty normal.  I have a big need for love and affection. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Me.  I just go, describe what is going on with her, and get advice.  It helps a lot.  I don't think I will ever get my uBPDgf into therapy, and we are NOT trying to treat her through me.  Rather, we (my therapist and I) are just helping me cope.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I just check in now and again.  Frankly, I feel like I don't fit in here very well, as things are mostly OK for me.  I notice when I post my positive stories, I get no replies.  This seems to be mostly a place where people who are having bad times go to vent and share, and I am OK with that.  I just wish more folks realized that every BPD relationship does not have to be a disaster.  But I am NOT minimizing the pain of others.  I think maybe I just count my blessings a lot when I visit here.

[Kieran68]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 20 yrs knowing each other, 16 yrs married

Age:I am 45, she is 41

Married: yes

Children/ages: none

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation: Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Love her and know she is a good person

What do you like most about your partner?

How giving she can be

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Stress over her episodes: both before,during and after. Always worrying what I need to do to know when her next episode is coming, getting her through it, and making sure the episode is really over or just a lull.

Lack of sex life

What do you find most difficult?

Stress

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Codependent, Depressed, low self esteem

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both of us are. Wife constantly for 7 yrs, me occasionally for 25 & constantly for about a yr

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Getting support and ideas on how to help my wife

[flutterbys23]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 16 years

Age: 39

Married: Yes

Children/ages: Son: 17 yrs, daughter 15 yrs, daughter 14yrs, daughter 10 yrs.

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: sincerely without sarcasm, to many to count.  Divorced and remarried too.

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I feel like a failure every time I get to that point of taking the next step of ending us.  How much there is to untangle.  All of the work that was put in- blood, sweat and tears, too throw my hands up in the air feels frightening beyond words. 

Habit.

If I leave I know it will take him all of a few weeks or months to be with someone else, fill my "spot"- how sick is that?

Because when it's good, it's heaven.  And I don't mean the after he comes too and is remorseful, but rather the in between time of the good and the bad.


What do you like most about your partner?

His work ethic, he just feels like home, the way he smells and feels, when it's good that he seems or appears like my friend, we have the same life goals, that he's outdoorsy (even though I am definitely not).


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Money & sex


What do you find most difficult?

the days and sometimes weeks when he's personalty had flipped the switch and my husband is no longer present- some days it's down right scary- its HELL! bringing up an issue- I don't. Which in turn makes him call me fake.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )  Charming, walking on egg shells, sabotaging, triggered by most

situations of little or small stress, passive aggressive, violent, selfish, EVERYTHING is my fault, one minute I'm the devil and the next minute I'm an angel, almost anything will trigger the feeling, as we call it in our house, little or small, projects how he feels about himself deep down on to me: "you're selfish, no integrity, crazy, etc., I don't EVER see myself wanting to be with you!"


How would you categorize yourself? withdrawn, checked out, hopeful, depressed, scarred A LOT, timid but sometimes I've had it and I try to stand up for myself, procrastinator, confused, mentally un-stimulated, VERY high anxiety all the time, do not sleep but VERY little; when or if I close my eyes if im not ready to pass out tired my mind starts going over and over stupid details about our last argument, how bad I probably messed my children up, what I can do to help the situation, etc., and whole lot of PTSD.  Darling girl eh?   

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )



Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We've both been off and on together and separate, as of now no. 


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Strength, most of all to learn tips, skills, what to do in coping, what am I doing wrong, what am I doing right.

In honesty, I'd like to end us.  I'd love to be completely indifferent about him/us that walking away feels like the natural thing to do. Instead of the yucky horrible feelings that there's still so much unfinished emotional business. 

I'd like to be in a relationship where 90% is not about HIM: soothing him, learning skills for him, walking on eggshells for him, validating him, pacifying him, helping him feel better, sitting for the 10,000 time quietly dedicated listening to him vent and get it out so that HE can feel heard- knowing damn well that it will NOT be returned OR appreciated, me asking or needing validation is still about him and making sure that he feels good about the way he validated me, that when I cry which is a lot by myself that i dont have to feel bad and ashamed about it because it makes HIM feel small and it pisses HIM off.  It's offensive to HIM. Meeting his needs so that he maintains peace for longer than 4 weeks. Just possibly feeling special, unique, appreciated without having to beg for it, where I am not the center part of his thoughts when it's a good day to the point of WAY out of balance and almost insincere ( I just have known him long enough that I know it is actually sincere).

[ziniztar]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: allmost 1

Age: 28

Married: no

Children/ages: god no

Living Together: not yet - planned for early 2015

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: I guess once, last March. He said he never wanted to see me again. I didn't consent to it though so I don't see this as a break-up, the decision was never made. We had a second allmost break-up talk (a lot less dysregulated) last week.

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I'd be afraid to have to start all over. I feel that I can make this work - as he is also in therapy and I feel he deserves a chance for being so incredibly courageous.

What do you like most about your partner?

I think he's very creative, funny, we have a lot of common interests, like each others friends, and most importantly: share the courage to acknowledge and work on our own issues. We understand each other's situation but also want to move away from it. I'd rather date him than asss that pretend they are already perfect, or are satisfied with life the way it is and not ambitious enough to challenge themselves.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Spending quality time together. Different cities, different work schedules.

Not just understanding our behaviour - but actually changing it.

What do you find most difficult?

That tipping point right after a clingy pull phase when I start to realize he's getting more and more annoyed with me and pushing me away. That initiates massive feelings of abandonment.

How would you categorize your partner?

Diagnosed with BPD and ADHD.

How would you categorize yourself?

Some codependance. A lot of unreleashed anger.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Yes, we both are.

He: allmost 2 years. 0,5 for ADHD, then 1,5 for BPD. He's getting schema therapy and some other form of creative therapy.

Me: have had coaches on and off since I was 23. Started official therapy last week.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Venting.

Understanding my own emotions - especially when they are related to him.

Practicing radical acceptance.

Being able to laugh at some of our shared stories  .

[Rapt Reader]

What type of relationship are you in? Married 40 years

Years together: 43 years

Age: 61 (almost)

Married: Yes

Children/ages: 37, 35

Living Together: 43 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my Husband, and my whole family. It's important to me to have a long-term relationship that works; he's the only man in the Universe who sees an 18 year-old girl when he sees me 

What do you like most about your partner?

He is a fun and loving guy (most of the time), always a good provider and hard worker.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His BPD traits and my ability to handle them without reacting with hurt, anger or agitation (because that just makes them last longer, and worse).

What do you find most difficult?

Realizing that he doesn't really hate me when he seems to "throw the baby out with the bath water" when dysregulated; the changes in his eyes when he looks at me during those times can be devastating if I don't remind myself that it isn't personal; that this too shall pass (which is always the case). I need to trust that if I just validate and not be personally hurt or angry, that he "comes back" to me as himself sooner than in the past, when I didn't know about BPD.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits; his Mom is full-blown BPD and he's really picked up lots of her behaviors, but he sees his Mom's mental health issues and really does try to not imitate here. He does know the pain and frustration that she causes everyone in her life.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Co-Dependent for sure... .I need to not join in the "hamster wheel" of dysfunction with him when he starts brooding. I need not to escalate the dysfunction.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Myself, by default... .My adult (37) BPD son sees an Out-Patient Therapist, Neurofeedback Therapist & Psychiatrist. Because he has signed forms for them all to talk to me on a very regular basis, they have been counseling me also. It has really helped; they are all so caring and helpful with my son, that they include me without any qualms--by phone, email, and even one-to-one sessions.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To continue to learn and understand BPD, myself, my son, my Husband, and all the people I love. To grow in my own well-being and mental health. I know that the healthier and more loving and compassionate I become, the better off every one of my relationships become.

[Cat21]

What type of relationship are you in? Married for 4 years.

Years together: 6; known each other for 11.

Age: 34

Married: Yes

Children/ages: Not yet.

Living Together: 5 years.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1 time, 10 years ago (briefly dated when we first met; then just friends for years until we decided to date again. That time it stuck!)

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I want my relationship to improve because I love my husband and I believe he is a good soul who deserves a happy, healthy relationship- as do I. He loves me very much and I truly believe that I am the one person in his life who really knows him. But mostly, I want my relationship to work because I know that my life is better with him than without him!

What do you like most about your partner?

He is smart, clever, funny, loving, and talented. He is a good partner, a great provider, and although it drives me crazy at times- good at nearly everything he does.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

The top challenges are his BPD traits and my resistance to accept him for who he really is. Another challenge (although not constantly) is his relationship with his sister and the power she wields over him and his family.

What do you find most difficult?

Showing sympathy and empathy for someone who, at times, spews hatred. The lying and criticism ain't so fun either. And lately, the drinking.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits mostly, with a few NPD. He is high functioning and does not quite tick all of the boxes for a diagnosis, but he's close. He has begun to see patterns in his mother and sister's behavior that he also exhibits- this is new. Whether or not he'll do something to change that and not "be the way they are" remains to be seen. In his mother's case, I don't think it's BPD, as much as it is a cultural issue. Sister, definitely BPD.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I can be co-dependent, but I'm really working on that! NOT getting sucked into the FOG is hard, but is slowly getting easier for me to avoid.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I'm starting in 2 weeks.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

So far, this website and is contributors have been invaluable to me and my success. In the short amount of time I have been a part of this community, I've learned so much and have begun to change my future! I hope to continue to learn by reading, participating, and facilitating discussion. And of course, to remind me that I am absolutely not alone.

[bobcat2014]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:20

Age:42

Married:yes

Children/ages:21,18, 17

Living Together:yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 2

Sexual Orientation:hetro

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

When it good its great. We get along during good times. She is beautiful. Interests, family and years together

What do you like most about your partner? funny at times, gentle, fragile, fit, gorgeous, most of her family, good mother mostly.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? gaslighting, lack of intamacy, lack of trust, affair history, rages, entitlement, never ending needs, lack of needs.


What do you find most difficult? her sadness, lack of responsibilty, love of attention. Rages, gaslighting, isolation from my family, she controls all.


How would you categorize your partner? BPD waif with npd at times witch.

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? ) codependent, people pleaser, repairman, some npd traits.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? she is. Basic therapy for depression


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? learn all I can to be better, untangled and learn to communicate with BPD

[Bloomer]

What type of relationship are you in? Dysfunctional Marriage

Years together: Slightly over 3 total

Age: 28 (H is 36)

Married: Yes

Children/ages: 1 dog child/ 7

Living Together: 3

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Too many to remember but no actual separations.

Sexual Orientation: bi

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my partner and I see him working to make things better. There is usually something almost every day that reminds me how rare a connection we have; how many things we agree on or feel passionately about. I really still doubt I'd find anyone I have more in common with.


What do you like most about your partner?

I like how confident he is. He makes decisions and sticks by them. He values himself and that always shows through, even if sometimes it isn't in the best form.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

There was so much dysfunction so early on that we have no idea what a healthy relationship together actually looks like. I am pretty sure I have some form of PTSD and making a relationship work after abusive encounters is a lot of work.

What do you find most difficult?

Letting go of resentment when though he has improved, he is still working on a lot of behaviors that caused years of pain. I don't know how to move on from a situation that is still ongoing, even if it is improving, because every time I start to feel safe or like we're normal, I'm reminded that I'm/we're not quite there.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Chronic depression, low self-esteem, codependent tendencies

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both. I am in psychotherapy. H is in individual therapy and group DBT.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To stop making my part of things worse and to know what's mine and what's his. How to move on no matter what happens in my marriage and to feel supported and force myself not to crawl into a hole right now.

[halfalump]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 6.5

Age: me: 37 W: 28

Married: 1.5 years

Children/ages: 2 cats/no kids yet

Living Together: 6.5

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none

Sexual Orientation: Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because I believe in my wife and I know how amazing she is. And because I see how much pain she's in, and even though her condition is hurting me too, I'm not sure can survive without me.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her creativity and thoughtfulness

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

She can't find the motivation to help herself by getting herself into therapy

What do you find most difficult?

Thinking we have finally moved past a painful issue, only to find she can't let it go

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, Depression, OCD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Possible Aspergers, codependent tendencies, occasional depression

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not currently

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To find support for myself and learn how to effectively help my wife

[RedAzure]

What type of relationship are you in?


Years together:20

Age: Me 38 H 42

Married:20 years

Children/ages:19,18,16 girl, girl, boy

Living Together:21

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 4

Sexual Orientation:heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my husband dearly.


What do you like most about your partner?

He can be so giving, kind, funny and caring towards our children and pets. There is a good man inside him somewhere.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His rage, anger, verbal abuse.


What do you find most difficult?

The above and how to deal with it so as to help him but to protect my own identity.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Dx BPD, Suspected Bipolar 2, Can be antisocial.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem set in the past few years.  Dx PTSD from his abuse and rage. Depressed.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both separately- him DBT, me more talk therapy and support.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To get to a place where I can get back to where I once was - not taking everything he said personally inside.  Not trying to 'fix' him' but learn how to better help him and myself.

[ColdEthyl]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 6 years

Age: Me: 35 H:49

Married: yes

Children/ages:D14, S10 (mine from previous marriage)

Living Together: yes 5 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 5-6

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

My husband and I have a lot in common. We both love to make each other laugh, enjoy the same activities, share similar goals

What do you like most about your partner?

He knows something about everything

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His lack of self-motivation, self-loathing

What do you find most difficult?

Not being able to communicate with him without the fear of dysregulation

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

he's diagnosed BPD w/ NPD traits

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Co-dependent, low self-esteem

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I will be starting soon. He does not wish to go.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To continue to learn the tools for my r/s with my H and to help others who are in similar situations.

[crash42]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 14

Age: me: down side of 30, her close behind

Married: 7 years

Children/ages: awesome five year old

Living Together: 7 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: three times when we were dating.  Never during marriage.

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

She's the love of my life.  I care for her like I've never cared for anyone else.

What do you like most about your partner?

When she's in a bright, happy mood, she brings be up, too.  Her smiles are enough to make my whole day.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Uh... .BPD?  She's told me more than once that she wants to be with a woman "just to see if it's right for her."  Incessant compulsions dominate our fights. 

What do you find most difficult?

How the hell do I keep her safe and our family together?

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, MDD, PTSD


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Sad right now.  Just checked her in again a few hours ago.  I've dealt with depression before, though it was primarily environmental in nature.  I'm currently being treated for anxiety.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both of us see the same therapist.  Sometimes we go together.  She's not always honest about how things are going.  I had my first private appointment a couple of days ago.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Help me.  I'm lost in the woods.  I've done research and read books, but I feel like I'm still clueless.

[NycNiceGuy]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 2

Age: 23

Married: No

Children/ages: None

Living Together: Sometimes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Once

Sexual Orientation: I am straight, She is BI

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I do know I am a sucker for the White Knight thing but after our first year and things started to get serious I also fell in love with who she is beside who she was trying to portray. For an example when we first met she would talk about video games, partying, music I liked all of these things and now has stated she doesn't enjoy these activites. However the things that are at her core I do love. Like her love for animals and great art she makes. I want the relationship to work because I do not want to throw 2 years down the window. I am aware that I am chasing a "high" of love that is hard to reach some days but I have also had a great deal of problems with women in the past and feel I cannot do much better. To be flat honest aswell she is quite the looker and while I know it is bad in any of my relationships I have needed a strong sexual desire for the person. Im ashamed of it but I have broken up with some women for mostly not being the type that I enjoy.


What do you like most about your partner?

Her art, she is a writer, artist, poet, and makes jewelry. She is an animal lover and has a great sense of humor, she has opened me up to a world I did not know existed and has always been there for me. Any other women I have always had to hide pieces of myself but with her I can constantly be myself and she only gives me praise for that.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her BPD would be too much of an obvious answer... .heh. The biggest challenges are

1. trust issues, she has been hurt in the past and believes I am interested in other girls even though I tell her all the time I am not. On my end I know she had some sort of fling when we had broken up the first time and I have never been okay with that because she did not want to talk about it. I had made the choice to try to get over it in therapy but recently she started talking to him again and I am scared to bring it up in fear of another break up.

2. She does not like to talk about problems she just shoves them away this makes it incredibly difficult for me to see a future with her if we cannot handle easy conversation

3. I am unsure of which parts of her are real and which parts of her are trying to keep me happy I would like to figure them out possibly in couples therapy

4. Speaking of therapy she was doing it for a month and has decided to stop again. I want her to find the help for herself otherwise I am not sure how long I will stay.

What do you find most difficult?

The most difficult challenge is probably the trust thing, while I am worried about which parts of her are the truth I do love every part that is her. The trust I find myself becoming very negative and holding resentment. In the future I can see this issue being the communication we lack.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

fear of abandonment, constant approval from someone even if it is not me. complains of head aches, back aches, being sore, going hot/cold. Emotionally distant, needs me to fill her needs but never shows me the same treatment.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem, co dependancy issues, depressed, over thinking everything, feeling this is the type of treatment I deserve, low self worth, second thoughts,

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My girlfriend was in therapy after a hospitalization in January. She spend 2 weeks in the hospital followed by 4 weeks of intense therapy, however after that she does not think she needs it or that is does not help. As for me I am in therapy for 1 hours every two weeks which is basically just a session for me to get things off of my chest. I used to be medicated for depression and social anxiety disorders but I have not been in years, no particular reason of thinking it is bull___ I just don't believe my symptons are severe enough to need treatment.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To find friends or other to give me some advice or insight as to how it is dealing with one with BPD.

[takingandsending]

What type of relationship are you in? Married to uBPDw

Years together: 17, 15 married

Age: 49

Married: Yes

Children/ages: S3, S9

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Mostly for our boys. I still love my wife, but I am finding it harder to hope that there is much future together aside from functional.


What do you like most about your partner?

Her creativity, her laugh is great, she laughs at my jokes (although they are fewer and farther between), she has a good heart and cares about people that are not too close to her.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Understanding, acceptance of one another, being able to be honest and vulnerable together.

What do you find most difficult?

Being able to be honest and vulnerable together. The huge amount of invalidation I receive from her. Never being able to express my feelings (happy, sad, related to her or not related to her) without it resulting in upset within her.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, with some NPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem, codependent. I was depressed when I first came here but her diagnosis and the communication tools here have gradually helped me to start taking care of myself better.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We are in MC. Wife was in EMDR but now is doing a lot of EFT tapping through webcasts, etc. She also started some hypnotherapy by phone which I think causes bad disassociation afterwards, and she gets spiritual coaching. I am trying to encourage her to continue the EMDR. I have been in CBT, but haven't restarted since the new year. I need to.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Learning. Reaching out to others for support and to be of support. Seeing myself reflected in the stories here so that I can understand my feelings better and see where maybe I don't want to acknowledge my feelings. Also, the food and service are great here! 

[Surg_Bear]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 25

Age: 47

Married: Twice (1991 to 1999, wife left and filed for divorce due to imagined abandonment. Remarried 2004 to present)

Children/ages: 18 year old daughter and 6 year old daughter

Living Together: currently

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Twice

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual male in a monogamous heterosexual marriage

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

     1.  I love my wife.

     2.  There are children involved, and I strongly believe in the power of daily, in-home presence of both Mother and Father in the emotional development of children.

     3.  There are financial obstacles to trying to maintain 2 separate living environments that are conducive to healthy family functioning

What do you like most about your partner?

     She is hilarious, psychologically minded, and shares enough similar interests that we could live happily ever after together.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

     The decades of hurt due to emotional and verbal abuse escalated to crisis levels within me.  The crazy making and conflict inducing behaviors created an environment where I began a spiral of depression heading straight for self destruction.  I left home for 15 days because I felt my life was in danger (by my own hand).

What do you find most difficult?

     The vindictive and cruel rages are dramatic and take obvious tolls on my sense of well being, but to be honest, it was the insidious and below the radar emotional abuse hidden in the sexual withholding / marital neglect, constant criticism, silent treatment, fault finding, conflict seeking, eye rolls, tone of voice, facial twitching of contempt, emasculating power struggles and other less-than-compassionate behaviors that "leave no visible scars."

How would you categorize your partner?

     She is a licensed doctor of clinical psychology, who has suffered a life long problem with ADHD (only very recently treated appropriately with medications) and is an "under-diagnosed" BPD woman, who says that her therapist thinks she only has "borderline" traits. Let me be clear- I do not wish to discount any 'non's' suffering as unimportant, or less than severe- every single member on this forum has real suffering at the hands of a loved one (or they just wouldn't be here).  Please allow me to make a correction to the oft quoted saying, "He11 has no fury like a scorned woman"- let me change this by saying that He11 has no fury like a female clinical psychologist with BPD ! The crazy making, and pure mind **cking head games that are possible in BPD are multiplied thousand-fold when the sufferer is a doctor level trained mental health professional.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I am a practicing general and vascular surgeon. Highly motivated, success oriented, over-working, problem solving professional who was raised in a physically and emotionally abusive home.  I tend to be highly self critical, self blaming, and as first nature, act to put another's needs before my own.  I'm so good at this, that I can be a perfect fit for a BP Disordered spouse by accepting all of the blame, criticism, neglect, abuse and attacks of rage as my own.  All the while, remaining oblivious of the toll it has taken on my true inner self to the point of near suicide before realizing the danger.  Not sure if this makes me codependent, or just too easily accommodating.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My wife is in long-term therapy with an psychoanalyst who practices from an Attachment Theory perspective.  Mentalization based treatment has produced AMAZING improvements in her functioning as a clinician and as a spouse / partner. She is now seeing her analyst 5 hours a week, as a commitment to herself, and to me, as her life partner.

I am in long term therapy with a Jungian trained psychiatrist.  Almost 5 years with him now, I have come to learn the painful truths of how my own maladaptive emotional maturity (or lack thereof) serves to perpetuate the abuse in my own marriage.  Seeing him once weekly does not truly constitute "Jungian Analysis" but my career demands do allow for more time than this, at this stage in my surgical career.

As a result of my crisis, spiraling dangerously close to self destruction, as well as my finally stepping up to the plate as a real man and leaving the toxic relationship for self preserving respite, my wife and I have entered couples therapy with a therapist who also subscribes to the psychodynamic orientation / model.

I am very certain that the amount of money spent by my family for psychological services on a monthly, or yearly basis, exceeds the average income of a typical 4 member American family.  We are all doing the work.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I am here to learn from people's experiences - the ones brave enough to come forth and share their stories- they are true HEROES. Everyone on this forum is a HERO.  I need to gain from this by seeing and hearing how this disorder can destroy a loved one, but also, and more importantly, to gain insight that I might use for my own self preservation.  It is my hope that the work I do with my analyst, might help another man in similar circumstances, if I muster the strength to share my story here.  In essence, I am hoping to receive help here, and in turn, give help, as this giving of help, is most in line with my true character and profession.

[Surg_Bear]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 25

Age: 47

Married: Twice (1991 to 1999, wife left and filed for divorce due to imagined abandonment. Remarried 2004 to present)

Children/ages: 18 year old daughter and 6 year old daughter

Living Together: currently

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Twice

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual male in a monogamous heterosexual marriage

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

     1.  I love my wife.

     2.  There are children involved, and I strongly believe in the power of daily, in-home presence of both Mother and Father in the emotional development of children.

     3.  There are financial obstacles to trying to maintain 2 separate living environments that are conducive to healthy family functioning

What do you like most about your partner?

     She is hilarious, psychologically minded, and shares enough similar interests that we could live happily ever after together.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

     The decades of hurt due to emotional and verbal abuse escalated to crisis levels within me.  The crazy making and conflict inducing behaviors created an environment where I began a spiral of depression heading straight for self destruction.  I left home for 15 days because I felt my life was in danger (by my own hand).

What do you find most difficult?

     The vindictive and cruel rages are dramatic and take obvious tolls on my sense of well being, but to be honest, it was the insidious and below the radar emotional abuse hidden in the sexual withholding / marital neglect, constant criticism, silent treatment, fault finding, conflict seeking, eye rolls, tone of voice, facial twitching of contempt, emasculating power struggles and other less-than-compassionate behaviors that "leave no visible scars."

How would you categorize your partner?

     She is a licensed doctor of clinical psychology, who has suffered a life long problem with ADHD (only very recently treated appropriately with medications) and is an "under-diagnosed" BPD woman, who says that her therapist thinks she only has "borderline" traits. Let me be clear- I do not wish to discount any 'non's' suffering as unimportant, or less than severe- every single member on this forum has real suffering at the hands of a loved one (or they just wouldn't be here).  Please allow me to make a correction to the oft quoted saying, "He11 has no fury like a scorned woman"- let me change this by saying that He11 has no fury like a female clinical psychologist with BPD ! The crazy making, and pure mind **cking head games that are possible in BPD are multiplied thousand-fold when the sufferer is a doctor level trained mental health professional.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I am a practicing general and vascular surgeon. Highly motivated, success oriented, over-working, problem solving professional who was raised in a physically and emotionally abusive home.  I tend to be highly self critical, self blaming, and as first nature, act to put another's needs before my own.  I'm so good at this, that I can be a perfect fit for a BP Disordered spouse by accepting all of the blame, criticism, neglect, abuse and attacks of rage as my own.  All the while, remaining oblivious of the toll it has taken on my true inner self to the point of near suicide before realizing the danger.  Not sure if this makes me codependent, or just too easily accommodating.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My wife is in long-term therapy with an psychoanalyst who practices from an Attachment Theory perspective.  Mentalization based treatment has produced AMAZING improvements in her functioning as a clinician and as a spouse / partner. She is now seeing her analyst 5 hours a week, as a commitment to herself, and to me, as her life partner.

I am in long term therapy with a Jungian trained psychiatrist.  Almost 5 years with him now, I have come to learn the painful truths of how my own maladaptive emotional maturity (or lack thereof) serves to perpetuate the abuse in my own marriage.  Seeing him once weekly does not truly constitute "Jungian Analysis" but my career demands do allow for more time than this, at this stage in my surgical career.

As a result of my crisis, spiraling dangerously close to self destruction, as well as my finally stepping up to the plate as a real man and leaving the toxic relationship for self preserving respite, my wife and I have entered couples therapy with a therapist who also subscribes to the psychodynamic orientation / model.

I am very certain that the amount of money spent by my family for psychological services on a monthly, or yearly basis, exceeds the average income of a typical 4 member American family.  We are all doing the work.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I am here to learn from people's experiences - the ones brave enough to come forth and share their stories- they are true HEROES. Everyone on this forum is a HERO.  I need to gain from this by seeing and hearing how this disorder can destroy a loved one, but also, and more importantly, to gain insight that I might use for my own self preservation.  It is my hope that the work I do with my analyst, might help another man in similar circumstances, if I muster the strength to share my story here.  In essence, I am hoping to receive help here, and in turn, give help, as this giving of help, is most in line with my true character and profession.

_________________________________________________________


I posted the above as my first entry into this Internet Forum, and so I thought I'd use it as a launching pad to ask others what they might think about my situation.  My specific question is the following:

How does one deal with the dread of hopelessness?

I have arrived at a pretty dire state of hopelessness about my situation.  I left home on 05/01/15 in a state of crisis.  I stayed with a very best friend / long time professional partner and his family for 10 days.  During that time I came to see just how pathologically enmeshed I was in my wife's borderline drama.  I had the delusion that I was somehow "sane" and was appropriately compartmentalizing the hurt I felt from the years, no decades, of emotional abuse in attempt to keep our relationship stable.  Only when the flood of hurt overcame me and I had to run for dear life, did I appreciate that I wasn't just acknowledging the hurt and setting it aside, as I had thought, but I was actually DENYING the hurt and repressing it.

During my 10 days away, I was able to communicate to my BPD wife that I am hurt- very hurt, and that I could not, and would not, return to a relationship that was a one way ticket to abuse.  I put my foot down, and stated in no uncertain terms, that I would not tolerate any further emotional abuse.  Zero tolerance.

I returned home on Mothers Day, and we had a really great time together with the kids.  So far, we have had real conversations about our relationship.  It would appear that things are heading on the right track.  Maybe there is hope for a true, emotionally mature two-way relationship? My dream for us, is to be able to be able to be true, honest, fair and considerate of each other 24 hrs / 7 days a week.  In the past 5 days, there has been real evidence that we are both capable of this.  It doesn't appear that I'm going to have to be the only one in our marriage who is fair and considerate. Could it really be that easy?

NO.

NO WAY.

She told me last night that none of this has been easy for her.  Just over 2 weeks ago, she learned that unbeknownst to her, she has been emotionally and verbally abusive to the only man, no- only person; in her life who has ever truly loved her.  She recognizes that she can be utterly, and brutally cruel and vindictive when in the throes of a "switch" or rage.  She believed that in between the rages, she was "normal"- despite objective evidence to the contrary (ex- a "normal" married couple doesn't have sex once a year, and sleep in separate beds, in different rooms).  Furthermore, she told me that she has had to expend a great deal of energy holding back the desire to lash out at me in anger for things I have said to her in private, as well as our marriage therapy sessions, over the past 2 or 3 weeks.

My situation, like everyone else's here, is unique.  What makes mine unique is that my BPD wife is actually fully committed to deep psychological "Core Trauma" work in her own personal psychoanalysis, and has been committed to this for over 10 years.

This leads me to the following question:

So what?

I'm not trying to be glib here, but seriously... .so what?

She tells me that she is more likely to recognize that she is being triggered, and acting out / reacting to the trigger.  She is more quick to realize that something she has said or done has been tremendously hurtful.  She is more likely to offer a genuine and heartfelt apology immediately after saying or doing something hurtful.  She sees, now, that once yearly sex is NOT normal, and she has moved out of the baby's room and back into our bed. (I'm impressed it happened before the baby got her driver's license!).  She is willing to be more open to physical affection, but acknowledges that she still lacks sexual desire (at least sexual desire for chubby, hairy, middle-aged me). All of this is a huge improvement, and would have been IMPOSSIBLE even a year ago.

All of these "improvements" require me to accept that I am going to continue being emotionally abused- though I might get an apology, and the apology might actually be spontaneous, rather than after the hurtful behavior has been written for her to see, in the sand by me, much much later.  I'm not so sure I can put a positive spin on maybe having sex more frequently than once annually, if my sex partner doesn't find me remotely sexually attractive. (At least when I masturbate, the guy I'm having sex with likes me).

How does one deal with the dread of hopelessness?

Thanks for reading my entire post, and offering any suggestions you think might help me in my despair.

Surg_Bear

[Mustbeabetterway]

What type of relationship are you in? Marriage

Years together: 40

Age:55

Married: 35

Children/ages: grown daughter

Living Together:

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 3

Sexual Orientation:hetero

What are the top reasons you want this to work?

We have so much invested in our relationship - time, emotions, finances.  

What do you like most about your partner?

He is an adventurer, we have had a lot of fun together.  He is dependable.  he is probably one of two people i could call and he would always help me if i needed it.  He has been a great provider and is usually generous.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

He has a lot of anger.  When he is angry, he unleashes torrents of ugly talk - name calling, cursing... .he thrives on conflict and when there is none, he creates it.



What do you find most difficult?



Not living authentically because I tiptoe around his moods.  It is exhausting.  Also, i want a close relationship with our daughter and grandaughter but he holds them at arms length.  I am hurt by the name calling. I know it is not really about me, but it takes a toll on me.  Afterward he wants to just resume the rs as if nothing happened.  I have been trying to follow advice I read in "stop Caregiving the BPD/NP " and not try to discuss the behavior afterward.  It really does not help to give it importance bc next time he will use it again because he knows it gets to me.  That is a hard technique to consistently practice.


How would you categorize your partner? Hard working, dependable, angry, Undiagnosed, but has many BPD traits, suffered abuse as a child in his foo


How would you categorize yourself?

Someone who has codependent tendencies.  Someone who hates to give up.  Very stable.  Avoids conflicts.  Wants everyone to be happy.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?  I am in therapy diagnosed as General

anxiety.  

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?  To have more peace in my life, to learn skills to better my relationship with my husband

[takingandsending]

Surg Bear,

Hello and welcome to bpdfamily. I think your post might receive a better response if you created a new post on the Staying Board.

I know how hard it is when you come to the realization that you have been self-sabotaging and denying/repressing your feelings for a long time. I am so sorry, and I totally understand the emotional strife, fear and panic that comes with this moment. I can suggest many things, but I think it is really important for you to be with the raw feelings that have come up right now. It is absolutely the first step in healing and responding to living with someone with mental illness. At some point, we can no longer normalize the behaviors of our partners, and that is bound to produce a whole lot of pain and threatening feelings. Hang in there. Be especially gentle with yourself to whatever extent that you can be. Consider doing one small something just for yourself today - a walk, talking to a friend or family, reading a book, maybe just allowing yourself to appreciate your daughter. You are going to need a lot of these small doses of self soothing.

The Lessons on the right of this page are really an excellent resource of where to begin. Right now, you are naturally focused on the pain that your wife is really not going to be able to safely provide you with the core needs that every human being deserves to have met. But, you are going to find that there are things that you can do  that will not make things worse, and I don't mean accepting abusive behaviors here. Most of us have unknowingly allowed and encouraged our partner's BPD behaviors to run rampant in our lives. By understanding our role in the dynamics with the pwBPD, we can stop adding fuel to their fire. And hard as it is to believe, the fire does die out without the fuel. It's uncomfortable, and it takes practice, and you may decide it is not worth the effort. But the communication tools presented in the Lessons do help. For me, a year ago, I thought my marriage was finished - any love that I felt was exhausted; I was ready to go except for my two young sons. Now I don't know. I have some positive regard for my wife growing again. It is a day to day process, but the constant fires and verbal assaults have died away. It took me doing this work to make that change. You can do it, too. 

[Mojo Rox]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 9

Age: 29

Married: yes

Children/ages: 4 year old son & 1 year old daughter

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1 ?

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

the children

commitment to marriage

take responsibility for the choices i've made, the path to how i got here.

i love him

What do you find most difficult?

poor example portrayal for children

word has zero value, says anything

contradictions, contradictions, contradictions

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

codependent

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

no

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

further BPD understanding & response techniques

dialogue outlet -- t a l k   a b o u t   i t

[Cole]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 17

Age: 47

Married: yes

Children/ages: s12, d10

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? 1) Still love wife. 2) maintain family unit.


What do you like most about your partner? 1) She has a twisted sense of humor and we can laugh at silly things for hours. 2) She can be very caring as long as you are not painted black at the time. 3) Though she is a stunning, sexy woman who looks 10 years younger than she really is, she is not snooty about it and does not judge others by their looks. 


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? 1) Wife wants more attention that I or any man can give her. It is like trying to fill the grand canyon with a shovel; no matter how hard you try, it is not possible to fill the void. 2) Wife does not properly comprehend communication. She hears anger, contempt, insults, and sarcasm where none exists. 3) Wife does not let go of past hurts from me or anyone else. It is common for her to be angry and crying over even the most unintentional or perceived hurts from years or decades ago. 4) What she says she wants or will make her happy changes from day to day.   

What do you find most difficult? The inability to forget or forgive past hurts. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes, apologized, and tried to make things right. But she cannot let it go, no matter how small, accidental, or long ago. It is not uncommon for me to be yelled at over something that happened 5, 10 or 15 years ago which I do not even remember.  I have even been attacked for not dating her in high school, even though we lived in different states and did not meet until 12 years after we had graduated. How do you validate the illogical?


How would you categorize your partner? (BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? ) She is diagnosed and treated as bipolar 2 by her psychiatrist. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or social worker, but I have lived with my wife for 17 years and I am positive she is BPD, not bipolar. A couple counselors have suggested this, but wife immediately paints them black for saying so and stops seeing them.

   


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? ) Depressed. Loving someone who treats you poorly based on what someone else did, or based on perceived hurts because she cannot distinguish reality from emotion has really worn me down. 


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? Wife is in therapy with a T who I secretly helped pick and warned about using the term BPD. So far, wife has stayed with her longer than any other and likes her. Part of the reason may also be that I plan to file for divorce soon, and therapy is one of my terms for staying in this marriage.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? At first, to learn from others. Now that I understand BPD better, I want to help those who know less than I do and lend support to all.

[BGAK]

What type of relationship are you in?

BF/GF

Years together: 7 months but known each other for more than 15 years

Age: Me 44 her 37

Married: No

Children/ages: No

Living Together: No

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 3

Sexual Orientation: Hetro sexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because she is funny, super smart and we have a lot common.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her intellect

We also get up to all sorts of things from jumping off cliffs to trying new food. She has a style of her, she is not a follower, we love the same sorts of books and are both voracious readers. Same twisted sense of humour.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her push pull and despondency during the bad time 95%-5% ratio

What do you find most difficult?

Being pushed away, the self loathing, self sabotaging, bi polar emotions - from overwhelming love to nothing

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Confident, out going, successful. But tho stuff has had a profound effect on me. Anxious, sad and unsure at times.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She is seeing a councillor

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To understand what mistakes I am making that can contribute to her bad behaviour. To also try and understand better the language and communications techniques.

[rob95]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 16, married 14

Age: I'm 41, wife is 49

Married: Yes

Children/ages: Duaghter 11, Sons 9,8

Living Together: 15

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: We separated for a week or two once about 4 years ago

Sexual Orientation: Hetro

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I still love her, and obviously, we have the children to think about.  I really want to make this work, especially as I get more familiar with BPD.  It is very likely our children will have to deal with this in their lives and I know that I will need to be a positive role model on how to have a relationship with their mother.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her infectious personality, her energy... .she lights up a room wherever she goes, not to mention she's easy on the eyes.  

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Now that I have read, typical BPD isuses... .establishing boundaries, raging... .she is supposed to take meds for anti anxiety and depression, which she doesn't take consistently.  This usually leads her to the "dark side".

We are in a world of hurt financially, she started a business 4 years ago, which we are all in on.  Currently, the family has invested almost 100K into with no return.  Not enough retirement, no education fund and in debt up to our eyeballs, including the IRS.  All that, even though I make a good living.  The biggest challenge on this is that she blames me for all of it, because I am the one who pays the bills.  We both make spending decisions, most of which are "no" from me, but the money still gets spent and I get "FOG"ged into it.

What do you find most difficult?

The manipulation as I am a very easy target for obligation and guilt.  My self esteem is in the gutter, and I have no friends to turn to anymore.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

I think that she is a mix between BPD and NPD.  Abuses alcohol.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem, co-dependency tendancies, highly anxious... .on medication.  Abuses alcohol lately.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not yet.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Advice, community, friends.  Get stronger for my family so that I can model for my children how to have a healthy relationship.

[brokenbyspouse]

What type of relationship are you in? Married

Years together: 31

Age: Me 48 Spouse 54

Married:Yes

Children/ages:28 & 29 Son & Daughter

Living Together:31

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1 time

Sexual Orientation:Heterosexual



What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my husband & our family. 31 years of marriage is a long time to walk away from. We have worked hard to be debt free other than our home. We have worked so hard to get to the point of retirement. The thought that all of our hard work in life has been for nothing. The though of not having him in my life is so scary.

What do you like most about your partner?

He is a great provider. Protects me and takes very good care of me. I have never really had to want for anything.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His secrets & lies. Fear of him having another affair.

What do you find most difficult?

I can not deal with the lies any longer or the insecurity I feel since the discovery of the affairs. I have had to leave my job due to a neck and back injury. I am in the pending stage of my disability approval. I am terrified. I fear he will need to have another affair to feed his ego.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

I am not really sure. I think NPD. Very low self esteem.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Depressed, PTSD, Anxiety, Co-Dependent. Several of my issues came to light after the discovery of his affairs.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We have been for marriage therapy for 2 years.

Myself for "me" therapy off & on for 2 years.

He went alone for 2 visits.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To save my marriage. Help my husband & myself. Support for myself & him.

[Dobzhansky]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:  29

Age: 48  (both)

Married: 23

Children/ages: 3 girls / 16, 19, 22

Living Together: 29

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Once - been gone 1 year (wife has asked / threatened numerous times)

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I am Catholic and so may not divorce.  Madly in love w wife from day one.  I have always dreamed of being married and having a relationship similar to my parents married 54 years. Eager to avoid potential damage to kids (or are they already damaged and can only benefit from separation?)

What do you like most about your partner? Smart, clever, elegant, beautiful, and her appreciation(?) for our long history together.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Emotional instability, lies, spur-of-the-moment inappropriate anger, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, physical separation (she lives alone in another state)

What do you find most difficult?

Investigating/appreciating my own codependency, managing a household and children alone, dealing with fallout from separation and wife moving to another state.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits as far as I understand them

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Codependent

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Two daughters and I in bi-weekly therapy

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Gain skills, receive assurance daughters and I not at fault, understanding this is not a “my wife don’t like me” thing, but rather that my wife is unable to engage in a relationship, either romantic or parent/child.

[Butterfly12]

What type of relationship are you in?   married.

Years together:9

Age:33

Married:5

Children/ages: 10, 4, 2.

Living Together:7 (have been separated for the past two.)

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:

Sexual Orientation: straight.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? Because I love my husband and believe we can get to the other side. We have three children together (one is only mine, from a previous relationship) and we both would like to be able to live peacefully with the other.


What do you like most about your partner?  He is an amazing, caring, generous father. He is very devoted to family and those he loves.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? communication, honesty, abuse, and violence.


What do you find most difficult? Trust.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? ) I think he is mainly BPD, but I see many other qualities as well.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? ) I think I am severely an empath. I also find that I am a hardcore people pleaser, and I NEED to have someone to care for. I am depressed, yes, and have suffered from anxiety for the past two years.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? Yes. All of us. Individually and independently. His therapy does not acknowledge his BPD and he is currently undiagnosed.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? to relate to others and feel less alone. To get some perspective on options and how to make it all feel a little less hopeless and that I am on a solo journey here. Also to gain skills to learn how to interact with my husband in ways that do less damage to us both.

[silentwarrior]

What type of relationship are you in?

- We have been engaged since June 2015.

Years together: 7

Age: 23

Married: Not yet.

Children/ages: No children, one cat.

Living Together: Yes, since March 2015.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Once, seven years ago.

Sexual Orientation: I am straight, he is bisexual.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We have always enjoyed being around each other. We have a great time, we are there for each other, and I know this relationship has so much more potential than what is being brought to the table. He is my problem solver, and I am his calm in the storm.

What do you like most about your partner?

He is always making me laugh, and any time I need something done, I know I can go to him and he will make it happen.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His anger issues, emotional abuse, communication.

What do you find most difficult?

Not making him angry. Having ridiculous fights about even the smallest things and getting upset but having to put on a calm face before family and friends because nobody knows how bad it gets.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits. PPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

Mild depression.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Neither of us is in therapy, though I would like us both to go.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn the tools necessary to work through a difficult relationship. To find my own inner strength, to know that I'm not alone. To better understand what he is going through and how I can help it instead of making it worse. To find support, a family to reach out to, to help me remember that I am not actually at fault for many of the things he says I am.

[Concerns]

What type of relationship are you in? Married with a BPD partner

Years together: 7

Age:46

Married:yes

Children/ages:BOY-4

Living Together:YES

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:NONE

Sexual Orientation:HETERO

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

1. I love my wife.

2. I don't want my baby to be heartbroken. Because he would be. He loves our marriage. Like all children, he believes in the sanctity of his parents togetherness. I believe in it as well.

3. I feel with help, our family is better as a unit than split apart.

4. I feel that the approach to my wife's mental illness would be better served/approachable/treatable if we were together.

What do you like most about your partner? She can be funny. She used to be interested in things revolving around us. It seems like she can be caring. She was lovable. She can be sweet. She loves animals. 

Well now I'm not sure. I'm not sure if the person I met was just an image or a puppet setup to

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?


What do you find most difficult? The person I love is reluctant to get help. The drive to get better only comes from me. The lack of intimacy really hurts. I have no emotional or physical support in my life other than what comes from my son. I have no partner. She hasn't been very emotionally involved in raising him but she can't admit how she is affecting him. 


How would you categorize your partner? She is on the spectrum. She has major anger outburst issues when she is stressed. She will split. She has a collossal problem with disassociating. She is suicidal but does not attempt. She self-harms. She engages in high risk behaviors. She will state that "beer is as good as any medication".



How would you categorize yourself? Well, I think I am slightly co-dependent. I'm highly empathetic.



Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? I am in therapy. She will not goto marriage counseling. We went to a psychologist. He wanted her to see a psychiatrist for meds before he would continue therapy. We went. She didnt like him or the prescription and is now off the meds. I have found her another psych for meds. I kindof agree with her, the first was very engaged, didnt ask many questions and basically said "we have to throw drugs at her and see what works". We need someone who is engaged. 


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? My goals are to build a bigger support base, gain a tool base for helping myself to help my wife and get a better understanding of mental illness.

[Chilibean13]

What type of relationship are you in? Married to uBPD

Years together: 11

Age: 37

Married: Yes

Children/ages: None

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None

Sexual Orientation: Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him. We are both really great together when things are going well. We like to spend time together. We are both also Christians and feel that divorce is not ok by biblical standards except in certain specific situations, neither of which is the case in our marriage.

What do you like most about your partner?

He's really funny when he is in a good mood. We like the same activities. He's super smart and can hold a great conversation if he isn't anxious.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His anger and outbursts are the number 1 issue. We argue ALOT and he rages pretty regularly. For me, I'm starting to build up some resentment and see him as "crazy" all the time.

What do you find most difficult?

Not knowing what he needs or is really feeling inside. I often don't know how to respond. Understanding what causes him to see things so negatively.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Many high functioning BPD traits with a few of the severe BPD traits. I occasionally see a few hints of Asburger's and I'm pretty sure it runs in his family. I'm not sure but I think there may be some Bi-polar things going on. He cycles between highs with rapid, constant speech, huge ideas, less sleep, spending, etc. followed by long periods of sadness, anger, and high anxiety which in turn lead to a brief normalization period.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I hate to admit it but I have some narcissitic traits in that I can be very cold in my emotions. I don't show strong emotions very often. I'm getting better but sometimes if I don't have a use for a person, I tend to dismiss them, which now that I think of it, probably leads me to actually rejecting my uBPD. He's creating problems for me so I ignore or avoid him.

I honestly don't think I have a co-dependent personality but I have some tendencies, such as an inabilty to set boundaries with my H. I try to relieve his anger or anxiety but other than that I don't show much  co-dependent behavior.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

H has been in counseling for about 4 months. We went to our first MC this week. I don't know if we will continue MC but he will definately be continuing his private counseling.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To know that I'm not crazy when I don't understand what is making him blow up. To know that it's not me that is the cause of his anger. To learn more about BPD and how to help myself. To get some avenue to normal in my life.

[tarantula17]

What type of relationship are you in?

Husband/Wife as Christians

Years together: Less than one

Age: 35

Married: Y

Children/ages: 10/5

Living Together: newly seperated

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: separated twice now

Sexual Orientation: he is male I am female

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We began building a family and married life as Christians and people with broken pasts who could understand one another. It was beneficial to him, me and our kids.


What do you like most about your partner? He is intelligent, creative, loving when he is not in an emotional high. He and I have a lot of things in common, not just likes and dislikes but also how we grew up and what we believe spiritually.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His utreated BPD, my fibromyalgia

What do you find most difficult? How to diffuse his emotional high when I recognize it coming on, him understanding my fibromyalgia, getting him to even recognize he is physically harming me or himself at times, making the kids understand that Dad is sick and may not ever come back, making him realize his fear of Mr cheating on him has never happened and never would


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? ) depression while this is going on, my body can't function well with the severe lack of sleep


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? He was before he went to NC, but I doubt now that he will seek it out again as he does not like the medical scene in NC. Therapist and psychiatrist he was just starting to see.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? To put our family back together again, and if that cannot be so, to stolill be able to help and protect my husband wherever life takes him.

[joshbjoshb]

Great thread!

What type of relationship are you in? Married to uBPD

Years together: 8

Age: 35

Married: Yes

Children/ages: Yes, between 8 years old and 1 year

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None

Sexual Orientation: Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because of my children.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is excellent in arranging and being on top of the house and other chores. She is also very good looking, although that can also be a source of frustration.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her anger. Being negative all the time, blaming me for everything wrong with the universe, and of course not feeling that I am married to an adult.

What do you find most difficult?

That child thing. The fact that I am married to someone that can't have a normal conversation about herself, setting goals, analyzing and trying to be better.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD. Pretty high functioning.



How would you categorize yourself?

Used to be codependent. trying not to


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I used to go to someone that was great at listening but that's about it. He didn't help me move and progress, so I stopped.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To try and become a better, stronger person, understanding how to handle the situation and maybe even improve it.

[Dobzhansky]

What type of relationship are you in?



Years together: 29

Age: 48 (both)

Married: 24 years.

Children/ages: three girls:  16, 19, 23

Living Together: No.  She left because she was "sad and homesick".  she has been living next door to her natal family for over 18 months.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: She says she has asked for a divorce 6 times - "Let's fill out the paperwork" referring to divorce paperwork.

Sexual Orientation: hetero (both).

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

  I have known her since I was 18.  I love her deeply, or so I thought.  I want it to work because we have this enormous history together.  I have no interest in pursuing another relationship.

What do you like most about your partner?

  Beautiful, smart, exciting, funny... .our long history gives us much from which to draw.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her anger issues, emotional abuse, communication.

What do you find most difficult?

Feeling like I have to walk on eggshells to avoid a blowout.  Now that she is gone I find myself in the uncomfortable position of feeling comfortable and safe w her where she is (so do the girls) but also struggling with how wrong it all seems.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits. PPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

Mild depression. Probably co-dependent though this has only come out in my reading background for all of this

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Daughters and I in every other week therapy.  uBPDw in none.  Have asked if she thought it a good idea to pave the way for us to move where she is.  She won't entertain the idea.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Gain understanding of this mess and skills so I can move on - also skills to help uBPDw and daughters

[NotThatGuy]

What type of relationship are you in?

Married, committed to staying together.

Years together: 9

Age: 35

Married: 6 years

Children/ages: two-- 15 mo boy and 2 yo girl

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: never, just lots of drama

Sexual Orientation: complicated. I'm a bisexual transgender man, she's lesbian, but considers me the exception.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love her, I still want our family to be together as a unit. I think it's important for our kids that we continue to parent together and share a home. And I think all of us, especially our kids, would be worse off if we separated.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is an amazingly generous, idealistic person, and she's trying *so* hard to get better.  Life has given her more challenges than anyone should have to deal with, and she never gives up.  Her strength and courage just blow me away.  She's funny and smart and insightful, she adores our kids, and is overall an awesome mom.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

The failure of trust and respect. The stresses of the last few years have lead her to become pretty detached from her sense of reality and her sense of herself. I haven't been at my best, either and, too often, my actions have just compounded her problems. We're trying to figure out how to break the cycle. But we need more help.

What do you find most difficult?

My wife's lying, anger, and unpredictability have gotten to me (there has *never* been any violence, and I don't think it's likely, I should add).  I don't feel like I can believe anything she says, I'm afraid of her anger, and I feel like I'm completely cut off from the portion of our shared life that she's managing. She relies heavily on me for emotional support, but hasn't been able to give me any, really, in quite a while.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

She's being treated for anxiety and depression, and had been diagnosed with BPD before we met. I honestly didn't credit that much-- she was very stable for the first several years.  In retrospect I think she was basically in remission, and relapsed when the stress exceeded her coping ability. She was raised by alcoholics and has a strong family history of substance abuse, bipolar disorder, depression, and dissociative disorders.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I have depression and ADHD, as well as the challenges that come with being transgender.  My parents are also alcoholics, and I think my mom had BPD (we're estranged). I have some BPD traits, including pretty low self-esteem, and problems with concentration and emotion regulation. I've got a strong sense of myself and my goals, though.  We're both a lot higher functioning than we look on paper-- we're pretty good at keeping up the act, even when things are bad on the inside.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both of us, individually and together, though not in anything structured like DBT. But our therapists are familiar with it, and use mindfulness and emotion regulation techniques when they're helpful

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to learn from other people in similar situations, particularly about how to improve my own responses so they're not feeding in to my partner's problems.  I want to improve my boundaries and my own emotional health so that I can be the best spouse and parent possible.

I come from a broken home, I know what happens to a couple when mental illness drives them apart-- and I know what can happen to their children. I very, very much want to not repeat that pattern. 

[Give me strength]

What type of relationship are you in?Marriage

Years together:
24
Age:
47
Married:
yes
Children/ages:
16 & 18
Living Together:
yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up:
never but almost a few times
Sexual Orientation:
heterosexual
What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I don't think a person should be discarded due to a mental illness and I have seen progress in him

What do you like most about your partner?
he has good intentions

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
communication - being blamed for the reason he loses his temper

What do you find most difficult?
the fact that he doesn't seem to be able to imagine what it is like to be on the receiving end of the rages yet he was raised by a mother who treated him the same way

How would you categorize your partner?
high functioning and no one in our friend group would guess that he rages on his family the way he does
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
the BPD traits I have seen in him are many - when we listened to an audiobook and they listed the traits, we both agreed that the 9 they listed were things we saw in his behaviour

How would you categorize yourself?
I realize that I am an enabler and have been co-dependant since I like to help people. I feel that I have lost motivation at times because I feel hopeless and have suffered great amounts of stress and anxiety from "walking on eggshells". I have recently been allowing him to just feel his feels instead of looking for solutions to his moodiness etc. I find that by allowing him to go through his range of emotions and just saying "oh" when he says how he feels that he then sees that his moods are not "normal" all on his own. It has made a big difference to me.
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )
I have maintained my confidence for the most part because I have always had great friends

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
we have tried therapy but he has found each therapist to seem to "side with me" so he wants to stop going. He does the DBT workbook sometimes but usually only after he has raged, otherwise he says it doesn't make a difference.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?my goal is to learn how to kindly communicate with him so that he can feel his feelings and hopefully be validated and that I can feel safe and take care of myself so that my stress and anxiety is reduced. Also I want our boys to see that it doesn't have to be this difficult in relationships.

[SpinsC]

What type of relationship are you in? Heterosexual marriage

Years together: 12+

Age: I’m 49, he’s 52

Married: 12+ years – eloped 4 months after meeting.

Children/ages: His, 30yo daughter, 24yo son. Ours, 9yo son

Living Together: one month before marrying

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1 before marriage, none since marriage, though threatened

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I do believe we love each other. If that is true, then I want us to stay together for a lifetime.

What do you like most about your partner?

His wit, his willingness to do the hard thing if it’s the right thing.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His being so closed off has left me alone so much emotionally that I’ve become closed off. Much of his humor is derogatory towards women and races not his own. His anger, which is always just below the surface. The way he treats our son.

What do you find most difficult?

Voicing my opinions without ridicule, knowing what I want any more or how to ask for it. Dealing with his anger. Handling both of our depression. Coping without intimacy or touch when those are so important to me.

How would you categorize your partner?

All undiagnosed: cPTSD with strong BPD traits and some minor NPD traits (fleas?). Abuse during childhood and through first marriage of 17 years.

How would you categorize yourself?

Diagnosed: Depressed, codependent. Not diagnosed: cPTSD, some BPD traits, some minor Narc traits. Neglect during childhood and survivor of criminal SA in adulthood.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not anymore. I was in therapy when we met. Both of us had some time in residential care for specific incidents leading to depression LONG before we met. We tried marriage counseling, but my insurance wouldn’t cover, so….

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To manage my depression and work on my codependency. To learn skills to relate to/with him in a way that is more supportive without losing myself again. To learn better communication skills that work within his and my limitations so we both can feel safe and loved in this marriage. Or to understand if this is futile and gain the emotional strength to break free and divorce in a healthy way.

[halcyon]

   
What type of relationship are you in?
engaged to be married August 1st (monogamous)

Years together: 2

Age: me, 42; her, 27

Married: not yet

Children/ages: none

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 3x (last time was over a year ago)

Sexual Orientation: both lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
We have unconditional love and compassion for each other, and we both acknowledge how rare that is, so we want to nurture it.
We want to learn and grow together and as individuals.
We want to see each other's accomplishments in life; we want each other to succeed.
We want to be there for each other in the worst of times, not just the best of times.
We value each other's morals and goals.


What do you like most about your partner?
Her ability to just be goofy sometimes.
Her determination to make her life better.
Her compassion for animals, children, and the elderly.
Her creativity (she draws, sings, and is into photography).
Her love of travelling and seeing new places.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
Communication.
Learning to not take her outbursts "personally".
Trust (both of us).

What do you find most difficult?
Outbursts.
Fear that she will dissociate and disappear.

How would you categorize your partner?
Severe PTSD, BPD (shows 99% of symptoms, so I won't list them all), DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder).  She is not done being diagnosed, but her care team theorizes that her "fragments" (personalities from the DID) have their own individual disorders.  She has not dissociated for over a year.  But when she did dissociate, I witnessed narcissistic behaviors, anti-social behaviors, and possibly histronic behaviors.  She and I have both developed co-dependancy.  She is rarely depressed and is more prone to having extreme highs and extreme lows (but her extreme lows usually involve anger, not depression).  She shows low self esteem rarely; is more apt to show signs of the narcissism.


How would you categorize yourself?
I have generalized anxiety that sometimes results in panic attacks.  I have phobias (tornadoes, flying, claustrophobia).  I have "fear of abandonment" issues.  I am co-dependant.  I sometimes suffer from depression and low self-esteem.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
We are both in therapy.  I go twice a month; she goes every week.  She is also taking DBT skills class (2 hours every week).

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
I have gone through all the "lessons" here and taken notes
My goals are to learn skills and practice skills; also to get support.  There are no "support groups" for this in my area, so this is VERY helpful.  It helps me feel less alone.

[BetterTimes]

Years together: three

Age:51

Married:no

Children/ages:he has two - 18 & 26, I have one - 30

Living Together:no

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:none

Sexual Orientation:heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? We grow together and support and love each other and it's the best relationship I've ever been in, I feel like there's worlds of things we want to do and experiences we want to share, that we haven't done yet. He balances me really well.


What do you like most about your partner? His intelligence and interest in the world, his humour and charm, his cooking, his emotional intelligence, his perseverance and insight, his courage. I find him inspiring. We adore each other.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? his divorce, my migration, my insecurity, his health


What do you find most difficult? his self destructive behaviours, my hyper vigilance


How would you categorize your partner? Anxiety, depression, can be charismatic and deceptive

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself? Abuse and assault survivor, traits of anxiety and hyper vigilance. Ex addict.

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? he is in DBT. I see a counsellor and I don't know what the model is - gentle, affirming, attention to body ... .


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? to learn healthy practices in a supportive environment and an alternative to wearing my friends out trying to figure this stuff out.

[LordSoj]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:
3.5 long distance, 2.5 living together and engaged

Age:
47

Married:
No

Children/ages:
6 children:  27g, 23g, 21g, 20b, 17g, 14b (me)
2 children: 21b, 16b (her)

Living Together:
Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 
A few over the 3.5 years of long distance….never since living together.

Sexual Orientation:
Straight, heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We have been together and faithful with each other through thick and thin.  We are complimentary to each other and are deeply in love with each other.  Our goals are similar and our lives complete one another when we are strong.

What do you like most about your partner?

I like and admire her determination the most.  Not only does she struggle with BPD, she also has extreme back pain due to surgery and PTSD as well.  She “pushes” through, as she says and that strength is what I like most about her.




What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Top five for now... .more may be discovered later:

DysCommunication


Micromanaging by both parties


Lack of trust


Lack of being able to have personal time and/or conversations


Constant conflicts rising from the aforementioned

What do you find most difficult?

I find it most difficult to find someone to talk to that actually understands and can help me understand and grow better; as I have no one around or close at all anymore.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits, PTSD, Low Self-Esteem, Depressed

How would you categorize yourself?

I have struggled with codependency and I have dealt with fears of abandonment and failure.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She is in therapy with an amazing counselor teaching her DBT skills and helping her function with her emotions.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to learn to be stronger.  I want to learn to lead properly instead of the ways I’ve been doing things.  I want to learn to support and strengthen and grow.

[Needhelp69]

What type of relationship are you in?
Married

Years together: 30

Age: 48

Married:30

Children/ages:10,13,15,17,22,26,29,30

Living Together:

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none in marriage... .just lots of threats

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
My children

What do you like most about your partner?
Can be fun to be with, very hard working.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
Communication! Misunderstandings... .criticism.

What do you find most difficult?
Emotional guilt and accusations
Watching my children go into a shell

How would you categorize your partner?
BPD
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?
Emotionally drained, numb, depressed

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  epressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not yet... .cant find one locally.
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Encouragement,  advice