Intro: Want to keep family intact, How do accept responsibility, but not blame?

[Jseeksanswers]

I'm new here and just found this site by reading the book Stop Walking On Eggshells.  It described my life in such complete accuracy that I'm in complete awe.  I've been married for 20 years, have four children (tween to adult) and have always had an up and down relationship.  

At first, I attributed it to drinking and left my husband for over a year.  We got back together approximately 10 years ago and things seemed better, but there was always that thought in my head that the biggest mistake that I made was not staying separated and going through my divorce.  I literally was at the end of the divorce process waiting for my husband to show up and sign the papers and he never showed that day.  We made up right after that and I called the whole thing off.  

I thought buying a new house would make things better.  After all, we had many bad memories in the old one and I wanted a fresh start.  We both agreed and began looking.  When we moved things went from bad to worse.  My husband was doing work on our house and slipped into a deep depression and stopped working (he was self-employed so there was no unemployment or vacation time).  This lasted for over a year.  

We went to several different doctors, therapists and psychiatrists and even the psychiatric hospital.  the answers we received were diagnoses of insomnia, depression, anxiety and bipolar.  The medications were endless.  He would not take any of them as prescribed or for a long enough time but the side effects were unbelievable.  I spent hours online looking for answers, documenting what he ate, how long he thought he slept, when and what he took for medication, how his mood was, you name it.  

During this time, I was blamed for everything, it was my fault that he was "sick" because I made him move, I did nothing for him and he hated me.  These tirades were nothing new to me.  I remember when we first started dating, I did something wrong and he yelled at me on the phone for over an hour and I just kept thinking to myself, why are you listening to this, just hang up.  But then there was always the profession of love and needing me and making me feel like I was the most wonderful person in the world.  

Eventually I was fed up.  All of the money that we made from the sale of the old house was gone, the kids wouldn't even come out of their rooms when he was there and my youngest begged me to get a divorce.  Therapists were telling us, you just need to get on the right course of meds and counseling and you'll be back to your old self and I kept thinking, but what about all the bad qualities of his old self?  

Finally I lost it about the only tangible thing that I could make sense about and that was money.  I told him I wouldn't pay his bills anymore.  He finally went back to work, but would only pay for things that he deemed were "his bills".  It was my fault that I enrolled our daughters in extracurricular activities and so why would he pay for that?  At this point I asked him to leave and if he didn't leave I was filing for divorce.  He left.  I told him if he wanted to come back we needed to do things slowly and correctly.  He moved back in a month later and everything was awful again except that this time he was working, but it was different this time.

Normally, he would just be angry and I was at the receiving end.  This time it was sad and I was angry at first, but then I just stopped being angry.  I knew that it was mental illness and I finally realized that it was something that was wrong, but I couldn't help thinking that there had to be some accountability.  Enter tragedy for him.  He lost both his best friend and brother within a month.

He refused to live with his parents because they were both incredibly mentally unstable from childhood on and has been living on other people's houses from day to day for the last four months.  When he lost these people, I reached out.  He was just so incredibly filled with sorrow and I kept thinking there had to be a way that I could help him.  Recently as we were talking he began opening up about some raw emotions and I can see that he truly wants to be a better person but just doesn't know how and blames everything on not living home.  After some of these revelations, I thought maybe it was PTSD from his childhood.  When searching for that I found BPD and I was just blown away.  He hasn't been formally diagnosed, but I do see that many people mistake BPD and Bipolar when diagnosing someone.  Everything fits.  

I picked him up "to talk" because he so desperately wanted to talk to me and for an hour long car ride, I was screamed at to the point that he made himself hoarse.  As I was about a block away from dropping him off, he said "can we please talk"?  Again I was just so shocked.  I told him that the entire day that we spent together was available for him to talk, but he chose to scream at me again.  Called me every name in the book and blamed everything on me.  

I know that I have no rights to diagnose him as BPD, but he has all of the symptoms.  Everything is all or nothing.  There is no gray area.  He admitted to trying to slit his wrists but the knife was too dull and he just never thought about getting a sharper knife.  Vague suicide threats happen almost weekly when I will get a picture of the two of us and "goodbye".  Everything is someone else's fault and now that I'm looking for it, I see that he is scared.  

I now know that by being inconsistent in my messages that I am not helping.  I know that he has to be the one to help himself.  I cannot do it for him.  (He stopped going to counseling, but did schedule an appointment with an old counselor that he liked, but his appointment is over a month away).  I do feel as though he would function better if he were living at home, but I feel as though I wouldn't and neither would my children.

To say that I am conflicted is the understatement of the year.  I'm looking for advice on how to stand my ground about him moving home without making it seem as though I am abandoning him again.  I would like nothing more than to have my family intact if it can be done in a healthy way.  I put my divorce on hold (again) and am seeking my own counseling starting this week. If anyone has any advice on how to have the right response when answering him I would be grateful.  I'm comfortable establishing boundaries when the accusations are false, but when there is truth to the statement, how do I respond by accepting responsibility but not all of the blame?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Jseekanswers,



Oh yes, many members find their way here via this book. You have described a lot here, and that is very helpful. Members will see this and be able to discuss parts of it with you - offer you thoughts based on their own experiences, or when they don't feel they have answers, just offer support. Both are helpful!

There is a lot here to discuss, it will take some time. This is not the kind of thing we can offer a single answer to, and off you go! We need to work through such issues over time, so I hope you stick around and consider this a new and valuable resource on your journey. You can get a lot of this site if you use it as a learning tool, and engage the community and build support for yourself here over time.

First off I am struck by how in love and how much compassion you have despite some very painful/difficult scenarios here. You seem very strong and I think that is a key element of your potential to manage with such challenges.

I had trouble too figuring out if this was BPD or Bipolar (or... .?), for all I know it is a bit of both (and other things!)! It is common that many of us have undiagnosed partners and we tend to focus on the symptoms. It takes both self-work, and making good communication a practice, a way of life, to handle this I think, and even then you will fail some days as the challenges are so big.

I think it would be important for your own counselor to have a good understanding of BPD/BPD traits. Someone who has real understanding of this would be better equipped to help you navigate it. I think you must be a strong advocate of yourself with this.

Sorry that his counseling appointment is so far away! Is he working now? Does he have any stability in his life? Is he totally reliant on you?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Jseeksanswers]

Pearl,
Thank you for your kind words. He is supposed to go back to work today. Fingers crossed.  I stopped taking on the financial responsiblity for his bills several months ago because he had the ability to pay them. The only thing I have told him I will pay for is therapy (if i didn't he would refuse to go). I will find out tonight if my counselor has any BPD experience.  We also met with a marriage counselor last week who has a lot of experience in mood disorders.  He is supposed to go alone tomorrow.  I can see that she wants to help him more so than just for our marriage and I'm hoping he will go. Last night he told me he wasn't going.  But this is normal for him to wait until the last minute and then will go if I can say the right things.  It's very difficult to balance between being too soft and too harsh though.  Currently we primarily are communicating through text and I am standing my ground but trying to end that each time with "i love and care about you".

[pearlsw]

Pearl,
Last night he told me he wasn't going.  But this is normal for him to wait until the last minute and then will go if I can say the right things.  It's very difficult to balance between being too soft and too harsh though.  Currently we primarily are communicating through text and I am standing my ground but trying to end that each time with "i love and care about you".

Hi Jseeksanswers,

Oh yes, this reminds me of when I was trying to get my SO to see about taking medicine and then sticking with it once he started. He kept saying he would stop, but he held on and he improved a bit with it. It all felt like it could collapse in an instant. It is not easy to be essentially a caretaker for another adult, having to find those lines between what to take on or not take on and remain healthy.

Yes, I try to find this balance too! It is not easy!

I wonder if this reading might be helpful for you: How To Get a Loved One Into Therapy

Had you seen it yet? If you get a chance to take a look perhaps you could share your thoughts/experience?

How damaged are his relationships with the children? How does he treat them? How do they feel about him? Are they afraid?

warmly, pearl.

[Jseeksanswers]

Did medicine help?  I have read both that BPD can be treated with and without medicine.  I assume it is different for everyone.  His relationship with the kids is not good and pretty much non-existent at this time because he says its too painful to see them and leave.  The older kids really don't want much to do with him at this point because they feel that he is manipulative and selfish.  He is going back to therapy next month (soonest they could get him in).

[pearlsw]

Recently as we were talking he began opening up about some raw emotions and I can see that he truly wants to be a better person but just doesn't know how and blames everything on not living home.  After some of these revelations, I thought maybe it was PTSD from his childhood.  When searching for that I found BPD and I was just blown away.  He hasn't been formally diagnosed, but I do see that many people mistake BPD and Bipolar when diagnosing someone.  Everything fits.

To say that I am conflicted is the understatement of the year.  I'm looking for advice on how to stand my ground about him moving home without making it seem as though I am abandoning him again.  I would like nothing more than to have my family intact if it can be done in a healthy way.  I put my divorce on hold (again) and am seeking my own counseling starting this week. If anyone has any advice on how to have the right response when answering him I would be grateful.  I'm comfortable establishing boundaries when the accusations are false, but when there is truth to the statement, how do I respond by accepting responsibility but not all of the blame?

Hi again Jseeksanswers,

What you wrote here about him wanting to be a better person but not knowing how really hit home with me. In good times this is what my SO is like to, until he falls back and acts pretty awful, again. It is so hard because it starts to feel like you are dealing with two different people rolled into one, or at least it does in my case.

So you don't want him to live with you, but you don't want him to feel abandoned? Is it possible to invite him over for occasional family get togethers at the house? And if not, would it be possible to let him still feel he's a part of the family by sometimes meeting up with him outside the house, say, at a restaurant? I wondered if some structured, declared time that includes him could help him feel he's maintaining a connection with the family?

There are probably various ways to deal with feelings of abandonment, and that would look a little different by situation. I noticed this issue in my SO and started dealing with it in various ways. I have probably not dealt with very well while we are on separate vacations currently, your post reminds me, but anyway... .

Okay, and you also mention false accusations... .This might help you a bit:
Stop Accusations and Blaming

If you take a read of it, let us know what you think/discover and we can talk about it more!

sincerely, pearl.

[Jseeksanswers]

Pearl,
I would love for him to move back home but I won't allow myself to fall back into the trap of mental abuse or for my children to live with the emotional stress.  With every new thing that I learn I am able to find out more about myself.  I can feel the physical symptoms come back the more I'm in contact with him, headaches, stomachaches, backaches, not wanting to exercise, so I know that he can't move back here until it can be a healthy relationship. 
I have been encouraging him to attend functions.  I did have him come to the house to visit with the kids.  It's very emotional because he wants so desperately to stay here and not leave.  I read the article that you posted and I have been working on the SET reactions (Support, empathy, truth) and setting clear boundaries.
You are still with your SO, do you feel that it is the best thing for the both of you?  I often question what will I do if he refuses to acknowledge BPD (and I can't even tell him he has it at this point according to everything that I've read)?  If at that point I end everything will I be doing what he said I would?