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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Interesting article on psychopathic behaviour...  (Read 6979 times)
Take2
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« Reply #30 on: September 08, 2014, 07:25:27 PM »

I just clicked on the link to the article and it's been removed?  anyone else experience that?

I have often wondered how much my ex is psychopath vs BPD.  My therapist suggested psychopath at one point but she never met him so how could she know.  My ex very clearly has overlapping characteristics of both.  At different times, he seems like different disorders are in charge.  He rages like no one else I could imagine.  Yet he is cold as ice and able to shut off his emotions like a faucet.  But I don't think he enjoys it.  I feel more like he almost NEEDS to rage at times.  To get it out of his head and onto me.  Onto anyone else he can possibly blame - as long as it's not HIM that is bad.  Sucks to think of what his abusive parents did to his head a child. 

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pieceofme
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« Reply #31 on: September 08, 2014, 07:45:30 PM »

Highly Unreliable/Broken Promises

Psychopaths will make the most incredibly ambitious plans including you as their right hand man or woman then, on a whim, discard those plans and move on to some other crusade that excludes you. Victims often alter their own life plans to help the psychopath reach their imaginary goals, resulting in appalling emotional, psychological and financial chaos for the victims when the psychopath moves on.

Idealisation Followed by Cold Rejection

At the height of their idealisation of you, the psychopath will show you obsessive ‘love,’ care and attention. However, once they feel they have you where they want you — or the relationship has ended — if you collapsed in front of them on the street they would simply step over you as if they’d never met you and continue on their way. Outrageous smear campaigns against the discarded victims to falsely portray them as psychologically unstable, self-serving liars or abusers are often undertaken by psychopaths following the ending of a relationship.

Phoney Altruism

Buys into either secular and non-secular belief systems to appear superior or enlightened. Will align themselves with ‘morally popular’ causes to make themselves appear enlightened and with a sense of deep moral wisdom and compassion. But it is always a pose; the psychopath’s association with these causes is a veneer to fool others into trusting them. It’s always fake; always an agenda.

The Sudden Goodbye

Then the psychopath finds an upgrade, changes their persona, will often change their look, hairstyle and even change the subject when they suspect others are figuring them out and you begin asking questions. "Hey, never mind that, it is lovely weather we are having!" Stated in a chipper and almost giddy manner (with an obvious underlying glibness). They are repressing the internal excitement at having pulled a fast one on you.

The psychopath then mocks, ridicules and backstabs the people whom they "loved" only days prior and are now left in a state of chaos and confusion. Along with more glib statements as if "everything is OK". Then the psychopath generally goes into hiding for a short while from their victims and emerges with a new life, relationship, in another country/region in a completely whole new persona and a new mask of manipulation and social sanity. This was the new persona which the psychopath had been clandestinely crafting behind the scenes.

It is essentially an internal psychotic rampage hidden behind platitudes of "time to move on" and other superficial pontifications to hide that this is a completely deranged predator working their new "target" while dehumanising and discarding the ones whom they have no further requirement for. This is what leaves people in such shock - until they start to realise what they were in fact dealing with all along. A psychopath.

this rings so true it's frightening.
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ajr5679
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« Reply #32 on: September 08, 2014, 09:50:50 PM »

 wow . I don`t know if I would say she was psychopath or maybe it is just me not wanting to believe it. this is my ex to a t .I always thought it was BPD and npd when she was triggered by me putting my foot down and she not liking my boundries. wow the hell I lived I really don`t know how I made it out alive.
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Suspicious1
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« Reply #33 on: September 09, 2014, 03:52:07 AM »

I've spent a lot of time on the Psychopath Free website (and read the book which I found amazingly helpful), because I guess as a Cluster B PD the behaviours are so similar. I do think though that the fundamental difference is intent: I honestly don't believe that my ex was a psychopath or sociopath, though I think he did have AsPD traits. I don't think he coldly set out to hurt and manipulate me for fun. When he recycled me I don't think he did it so he could further hurt me for fun. I honestly believe he did love me in those white moments, but I also believe he hated me in those black moments. That's not a psychopathic trait. it's emotional dysregulation, not a manifestation of shallow emotions.

That makes a difference to me. The result might be the same, but the intent is an important differentiation to me. It helps me understand why I responded the way I did, why he flipped out the way he did etc etc. At the end of the day though, the behaviours are so similar and there do seem to be a lot of cross-overs.
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goldylamont
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« Reply #34 on: September 09, 2014, 07:18:05 AM »

i really think it's futile to say whether a pwBPD is a psychopath or not. to me they are psychotic at times and other times not. if they were psychotic all the time then i'd call them that. my ex was high functioning and i feel at times her emotions were real towards me and others. yet, when the isht hit the fan she was absolutely narcissistic/psychotic/entitled. there's no discrepancy in my mind anymore i just accept that she's a part time psycho(tic).

below is a quote from a young borderline; i'd hate to be her boyfriend. she exhibits remorse, a desire to change, and an inability to stop cheating on her bf. i'm sure she's straight up psychotic with her bf sometimes and other times she wonders why she is. other pwBPD seem to concur:

Excerpt
I Have Borderline Personality Disorder

Bpd Has Ruined The Best Relationship Of My Life

I have BPD and like all of you, live in hell. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, although he broke up with me last night after another one of my incidents. Growing up I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which in the past year (I'm 21) I have discovered with my therapist and with agreement from my psychiatrist was a misdiagnosis. I then found out I had BPD. Along with everything that comes with BPD, the anger, the uncontrollable intense fear of being alone and the abandonement... etc. etc. , the biggest problem is the impulsivity to always leave behind the amazing bf I had when some new and excited offer was made to me. Not only have I emotionally cheated on him 6 times ( 4 with the same person and 2 recently with another) , and fantasized about being with these guys, I have also intentionally gone out and cheated on him physically twice. I know the triggers, every time I feel hurt or vulnerable, the impulses take over and I give in. What I want to know is how to STOP them! He has given me endless chances and he says this is it, he's done. BPD has taken over the last part of my life that mattered to me. It has destroyed all friendships because of my anger and inability to see people as "both good and bad" . If you **** me off, you're nothing but hated by me. I can't lose the only thing I care about, what can I start to do now to prevent these impulses? HELP!

www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/2109971

To me you can learn much about BPD by reading the stories they tell themselves, amongst themselves. It's why i always laugh to myself when I hear people claim that pwBPD don't know what they're doing (perhaps they can't control it all the time) or don't mean to hurt people. It's easy to find stories they tell to refute such claims. I've learned it's easiest with BPD to not try and say the person is all this, or all that because it changes, especially if they are high functioning they can often be cool if they aren't threatened. Likewise they aren't these innocent, unaware victims always deserving compassion either. Depends on how they are acting in the moment i suppose. They absolutely can be abusive monsters. Don't make excuses for them. They can also be understanding and compassionate outside the realm of idealization if they feel safe. But if you are an ex or you know them too well, you don't see the good side much, if any, more.

p.s. yes the original article posted absolutely resonated with much of my ex's behaviors as well. not all but much of it rings a bell. i wasn't aware of this until after the split though... .kind of wasn't even a thought to me until i (correctly) lost all trust in her, then it became a bit clearer.
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