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Author Topic: do always move on to someone else?  (Read 3544 times)
georgie girl
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« on: September 11, 2011, 09:34:20 PM »

I've read a lot of posts on this site regarding break ups with BPDs and most people have had a relationship with one where the BPD seems to either have someone else lined up or moves on really quickly to the next victim.

Knowing? my exBPDh like I do I find it hard to imagine that he would have or possibly be contemplating someone else a year after leaving me :'(

Do they always move on to someone else so quick and has anyone ever heard of them just staying alone after they leave you? ?
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« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2011, 09:51:03 PM »

Nope! BPD is an attachment disorder so they feel nada without another host. They will screw around before finding "the one". The BPDex is a sex addict so he is off screwing the town right now - it does not make him feel good at all but its a compulsion - much like me and shopping.

Georgie, dont get caught up in all that - being single for them causes reflection and there is no time for that.

 
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« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2011, 10:03:12 PM »

Georgie, I think clear is right.  I do think they can, at times, use friend's to temporarily relieve some of the pain of being in a fight with their significant other or when somebody breaks up with them, too.  At least my ex did when his girl in the wings wasn't available.  He would spend as much time as possible with a friend.  But quickly moved back to me and then the new girl as soon as that opportunity came around.  They have to attach to SOMEBODY at all times.  Can't ever be alone.
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« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2011, 10:52:05 PM »

Georgie: I think Clear and Red are correct for most BPDs. However, there are a few who do not do this. They might mutilate themselves instead or in addition to it. But with an attachment disorder, the BPD cannot tolerate being alone and will do anything to relieve it unless they are in T and aware. Feels really bad for those of us who tried to love them and give them exactly what they crave. Too bad what they crave is an infantile attachment (fusion).

Diotima
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georgie girl
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« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2011, 11:45:22 AM »

I am still finding it extremely difficult to believe that on the one hand my BPD xh will have someone and other times i find it it hard to believe that he won't! It is one of the things that drives me crazy but other people on the forums seem to take it as read that their ex WILL have someone!

I don't know if I am just being pathetic but there is a huge part of me wants to believe him that he hasn't got someone else.  It seems weird that if he has he would hide it from me.  The odd thing is if he has someone else I would rather know as I could draw a line under everything.  Why can't he just tell me if he has? ? ?
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diotima
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« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2011, 12:05:38 PM »

I think they feel shame and they are manipulative. Mine would usually say there wasn't another woman when there was. If there "isn't another woman," then they think they can keep us hooked (as a spare) in case they need a quick replacement--or whoever they have their eye on isn't quite available, or some such. I know that sounds cold, but I was recycled a few times when my ex's other dalliances fizzled. He was always open to other women. He had spares when he was with me. I was the main squeeze but because of terrible abandonment fears, of which they are not fully or even partly conscious, they need to feel they've got some place to go if something goes wrong with the main squeeze. Now it is entirely possible that at the moment he said it, your ex didn't/doesn't have someone, but maybe he did yesterday and maybe he will tomorrow.

When my ex's other r/s's fizzled he could proudly say he didn't have another woman--AT THAT MOMENT.

I couldn't stand this behavior any more.

Diotima
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« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2011, 12:29:08 PM »

I am still finding it extremely difficult to believe that on the one hand my BPD xh will have someone and other times i find it it hard to believe that he won't! It is one of the things that drives me crazy but other people on the forums seem to take it as read that their ex WILL have someone!

I don't know if I am just being pathetic but there is a huge part of me wants to believe him that he hasn't got someone else.  It seems weird that if he has he would hide it from me.  The odd thing is if he has someone else I would rather know as I could draw a line under everything.  Why can't he just tell me if he has? ? ?

He won't tell you. He just won't. He's incapable of doing so.

My exBPD promised me up and down (without me asking to hear anything like it) that he would never do someone like that - cheat on them - because it had been done three times to him. I was a fool. That's the one thing I honestly held on to even when he first broke it off... .because I trusted him. Turns out, he's been dating this girl for two months (during the time we flew to meet my parents) and had her moved in before he broke it off with me and was supposed to be marrying her three days after he broke up w/ me (last Friday).

Even if he's not actively doing it, he's thinking about it. That's all there is to it. When things really started sliding downhill, I found two online dating sites he had signed up on and he denied one and for the other said, "He just wanted to see what kind of people used those sites." Well, he sure did. As his ex-wife told me, "He could about lie his way into heaven." And that's the truth.
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« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2011, 12:49:01 PM »

It depends on the person.  I will agree that the vast majority will find someone to hook up with pretty quickly.  But as d666 mentioned there are other ways.  My X has a desperate need to be validated but a far less need for sex.

I do not believe she has had sex with anyone for years although she has probably pleasured herself during that time.  She is receiving lots of validation these days in nonsexual ways and that is what she is looking for.  Validation without attachment. 

Right now she has two sources of validation without intimacy.  She joined a pretty whacky religion and spends at least 4 days a week with them often for 6 or more hours at a time.  She practically drools around the leader of the pack but he is completely emotionally and sexually unavailable to her and she knows it so it is safe for her.  She also has a dysfunctional relative that she was never able to receive love from when she was a child.  Now this relative has moved in with her is paying her bills and is constantly telling her what a great person she is and how evil I am etc.

I know some people reading this are going to think I am blind or stupid or just don't want to know.  During the legal process many of her deepest darkest secrets were discovered all 1000X worse than infidelity and there was not even the slightest hint of that.  I wish she was having sex with someone as it would leave her less time to create chaos for me and the kids.  Just because almost everyone else's X has acted out this way does not mean they should project this on to all cases.
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2011, 01:21:22 PM »

From what I have read on these posts, I would say 9 times out of 10 they either have someone already lined up before they leave you, or within hours/days have someone else. My ex did not break up with me until she was sure that my now ex-friend was interested in her. She literally went from me to "soulmate"#4 within hours. That's how it goes. It sucks, it hurts, it's enraging, but that is what life is like when you live with the mentally ill. It makes no sense whatsoever, but you can't make sense out of crazy.
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redberry
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« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2011, 01:23:41 PM »

Agree with the previous posters.  This disorder is all about attachment.  And the frantic COMPULSION to have it at all times.  I would think an overwhelming majority of BPDs want sexual attachment but I'm sure there are a few like Beyond mentioned that are okay with religious or social attachments.  I would look at his history... .  To most of us, cheating isn't a complete and total shock because they have done it before and may have even cheated initially on a previous partner with us (raises hand... .though I thought they were broken up).  They generally don't let go of the first money bar until they have a firm grasp on the next one.  What's that saying, once a cheater always a cheater?  To predict the future, look at the past.   .
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SeeSaw95

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« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2011, 06:45:25 PM »

The post by gOOdness concerning the ex's sneaky use of dating web sites is uncannily similiar to my situation. My exBPD was constantly chatting up men online and making profiles on several dating sites. She would say that she was there "just to check things out." But there was a constant need for attention. The worst thing was that I never did anything about it. Just voiced my unhappiness until it happened again.

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« Reply #11 on: September 17, 2011, 07:12:29 PM »

I was with my uexBPDgf for quite a while, the overwhelming thought that I had with her was that she was with someone or someones many many times. So much secrecy and out and out lies. So i would lean towards that they have someone on "stand by"  or on the hook. I think them being alone for any length  of time is not an option.
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diotima
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« Reply #12 on: September 17, 2011, 07:14:47 PM »

Reports of ex's on dating sites are very common on these boards. I discovered my ex's trail of dating sites because he was using my computer to set them up. Duh. Left his passwords too! It is disgusting. I confronted him the first time when he came back (the first recycle) and told him "no more." He still did it, I later discovered. Child with hand in the cookie jar constantly--needy little child for more and more attention. They are starved for attention and new "soul mates." Soo tiresome! Egad. I feel sorry for them.

Diotima
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mistyclouds
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« Reply #13 on: September 17, 2011, 07:37:56 PM »

Behind the smoke and mirrors there are at least 3 third parties with my x. I look back at just before we got together and my x had been dumped by a partner (after the partner found out she was on a dating website chatting up someone)... .she then latched on to a lass in the singles group... .not romatically/sexually (well she says not). This lass left the group suddenly and dropped friendship with my x... .my x was really angry and had a real over the top reaction to being dropped... .I recall the rest of the group saying she was over reacting... .I just thought she was overly sensitive. And then she latched onto me!

I have asked my x for closure many times... .she will not admit to cheating with third parties... .I think this is down to the shame she would feel... .they also dont want you thinking the worst of them... .cos we are useful as backups if needed!
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2010
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« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2011, 08:04:25 PM »

Excerpt
Do they always move on to someone else so quick and has anyone ever heard of them just staying alone after they leave you?

Yes. The older they get- the more they have in common with Schizoid personality disorder. James Masterson believes that Borderline personality has more in common with Schizoid (Hermiting) than Narcissism (Grandiose.)  In middle age the hermiting behaviors become more self fulfilling to the Borderline as the "punitive parent" hypercritical superego cannot be silenced in their inner thoughts of persecution.

By middle age, the detached protector has tried failingly to act out in grandiose fashion (self medication of fantasy) and now acts inward.  Acting out in previous instances was an attempt to stop the hypercritical parent voice and triggering the shame of deeply felt "wants versus needs." The detached protector was an attempt to stop the shame spiral with a false self that mirrors others for an identity.

Since this is a dependency issue that is fantasy based- it doesn't mesh with reality, it has failed miserably in it's quest for freedom of the self. At a certain point when the shame becomes too great, the deficient self collapses upon itself and the true self is further locked behind a door of isolation without considering alternative options. The end result is Hermitage unless therapy can resolve the idea of a lack of choice.
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diotima
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« Reply #15 on: September 17, 2011, 08:09:56 PM »

2010: interesting post. My ex is 59 and his womanizing just went into warp speed. Last gasp before hermitage? I think the only way he will do isolation is if he can't find new hosts and he is charming (hi functioning).

Diotima
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deedee116
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« Reply #16 on: September 17, 2011, 08:22:34 PM »

Very interesting 2010.  My ex is 30 but I do believe that he is exhibiting some of this behavior already.  We live in NYC where living spaces are typically pretty small and his apartment was no exception.  His place had no windows that allowed for natural sunlight and he would stay inside for days at a time (he grew up in Arizona, so I found it weird that he didn't miss the sun).  When he did go out it was at night.  He had no job, so he didn't have anywhere to go everyday but it's NYC, there's always something to do.  Weird.
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redberry
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« Reply #17 on: September 17, 2011, 09:00:45 PM »

Very interesting, 2010.  By the way, I love your posts--went back and read every one of them one afternoon.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm a little puzzled, though.  I've read many times that BPD supposedly levels out and becomes less severe with age.  Have to admit, I don't really see that reflected in the posts here... .  Maybe it's not that BPD goes away, but changes form as they reach this hermit stage?  ?
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Clearmind
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« Reply #18 on: September 17, 2011, 09:06:37 PM »

Red berry, i think what we may see is tapering however IMO it's more internalized. They begin to learn that their behaviors cause people to leave them.

While they are young, attractive and virile, the supply of woman is endless - it works for them. As they get older and the charm wears off they become more lonely. What worked before does not work as well now.

The patterns of relating do not change however. That is hard wired.
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diotima
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« Reply #19 on: September 17, 2011, 09:09:40 PM »

Red: I have wondered about that too, having read various things on the net. My T friends say that untreated BPD gets worse with age. What can change is impulsiveness. I really can't see how an untreated BPD can change deeply ingrained behavior patterns. I think it is worse for hi-functioning types who will not admit that they have a problem and go on acting out into middle age and beyond (my ex). So-functioning are more likely to be the hermits, the homeless people chattering to themselves. It all comes down to admitting and seeking help. We'll see what 2010 has to say.

Diotima
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jalk
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« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2011, 10:19:30 PM »

Yup,my exBPD walked out the front door, crossed the street, hopped in the car of the new victim and away they went. She lied the whole time saying there isn't anyone else, but there was. Her lying is masterful, very convincing. I think it is because they really believe their own lies. Nut jobs.

My ex has gone from one relationship to the next. She has never been alone. She is fearful of being alone. Thus the BPD person.  
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mitti
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« Reply #21 on: September 18, 2011, 06:22:58 AM »

Do they always move on to someone else so quick and has anyone ever heard of them just staying alone after they leave you? ?

No not all of them move on to somebody else immediately, athough from what I read on this forum it seems a lot of them do. My uBPDbf and I have broken up a few times, the last time for 7 months with him having split me completely for almost the entire time but there was never anybody else. He tends to hibernate when apart, almost from the whole world, and he doesn't get over the breakup quickly either but just endures the pain, kind of waiting for it to pass. It seems to take him as long as it does most people. He doesn't lie either and says he has been single a lot more than in a r/s. Before he met me he had been single for about a year.
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rickstone
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« Reply #22 on: September 18, 2011, 07:06:30 AM »

beyond beleif:  this is where my BPD grilfriend is now.  she's moved in her her christian grilfriends and getting validation from her christian circle.  her actions and beahavior are anything but christian.  proud, haughty and aloof, dishonest.

like your BPD she's terrified of sex, but she loves attention and validation by men, so i expect her

to find a male host perhaps.

right now, i beleive she's setting up her roomate as host.
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #23 on: September 18, 2011, 10:25:08 AM »

mitti,

Are you sure your ex wasn't lying to you about being single for a year? I have in the recent months of our breakup discovered what a skilled liar and manipulator my ex really was. It turned out that everything she told me about her past was pretty much a lie... .or rather there was some truth to her "past", but with a lot of omissions. At first my ex told me that she was alone for about a year after she had her son with "soulmate"#1, then met "soulmate"#2. After having the chance to speak to "soulmate"#1, the math did not add up. Turns out she was recycling "soulmate"#1 when she met #2. As soon as she knew that #2 was interested, she unceremoniously dumped #1. She also told me that when we started dating, her and #2 had been over for "a long time". He had moved out about six months before we started dating. However, she would call him up for a booty call on a regular basis, knowing full well he loved her and wanted to be back with her. I am convinced that she most likely had #2 in her bed up until her and I were an "item". Then just let him go. Lets fast forward 6.5yrs, my ex and I spend quite a bit of time with my now ex-friend. My ex and I are having some trouble in our relationship, we had been going to counseling, and I felt we were actually progressing. Apparently not... .my ex did not leave our relationship until she was certain that my ex friend was interested in her. So she literally went from me "soulmate"#3, to my ex friend "soulmate"#4. They were engaged 6 weeks after we split! All the while lying to my face that they were just friends. They lie all the time, it's like they have no clear idea what is truth and what is fabrication. The two worlds just collide. Pretty scary ___ed up stuff.
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« Reply #24 on: September 18, 2011, 09:24:55 PM »

As john Wayne would say-  you sure about that MIster ?  In regards t oany of the lies or halftruths you will here when with a BPD person. Some half truths, sometimes even the exact truth, but 99% of the time- they are fabricating a version of reality.
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mitti
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« Reply #25 on: September 19, 2011, 02:00:28 AM »

mitti,

Are you sure your ex wasn't lying to you about being single for a year? I have in the recent months of our breakup discovered what a skilled liar and manipulator my ex really was. It turned out that everything she told me about her past was pretty much a lie... .or rather there was some truth to her "past", but with a lot of omissions. At first my ex told me that she was alone for about a year after she had her son with "soulmate"#1, then met "soulmate"#2. After having the chance to speak to "soulmate"#1, the math did not add up. Turns out she was recycling "soulmate"#1 when she met #2. As soon as she knew that #2 was interested, she unceremoniously dumped #1. She also told me that when we started dating, her and #2 had been over for "a long time". He had moved out about six months before we started dating. However, she would call him up for a booty call on a regular basis, knowing full well he loved her and wanted to be back with her. I am convinced that she most likely had #2 in her bed up until her and I were an "item". Then just let him go. Lets fast forward 6.5yrs, my ex and I spend quite a bit of time with my now ex-friend. My ex and I are having some trouble in our relationship, we had been going to counseling, and I felt we were actually progressing. Apparently not... .my ex did not leave our relationship until she was certain that my ex friend was interested in her. So she literally went from me "soulmate"#3, to my ex friend "soulmate"#4. They were engaged 6 weeks after we split! All the while lying to my face that they were just friends. They lie all the time, it's like they have no clear idea what is truth and what is fabrication. The two worlds just collide. Pretty scary ___ed up stuff.

Hi gettingoverit,

I am sorry that you have been through such a tough time with your ex. Yes, I am completely sure that what my bf has told me about his past is true and that he hasn't lied to me or cheated. I am by no means living in any illusions about my r/s, and I am painfully aware of the difficulties in a BPD r/s and we have been through some pretty traumatic things. But my bf is more avoidant of anything to do with emotional intimacy and chooses solitude when things get panicky for him. Not all pwBPDs are the same and not all exhibit all the criteria of BPD.

I was married to an APD. He was in many aspects the absolute opposite of my bf. He was also a compulsive liar and constantly adulterous. My marriage to him has left me damaged in many areas and I have problems with trust. The slightest thing most people might find perfectly normal, can cause me to be suspicious. But every time my bf has told me something it has checked out when/if I have attempted to verify it. He has told me less than flattering things about himself, he has been concerned that I should trust him and know everything about him from the start. I have for instance all of his passwords.

He has a lot insight to his problems. He doesn’t blame me for any of our problems and he is struggling with his fears. I am not saying that he hasn’t ever twisted the truth, i.e. exaggerations, to benefit him, mostly about time when he gets upset that I am a few minutes late, that sort of thing. My point was that even though it may be very common for pwBPD to not be able to tolerate to be alone and hence move quickly from one r/s to another, that not all of them are like that.

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Beach_Babe
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« Reply #26 on: September 19, 2011, 06:31:20 AM »

are you certain he's BPD mitti?
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mitti
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« Reply #27 on: September 19, 2011, 07:41:34 AM »

are you certain he's BPD mitti?

Hi FriedaB,

Yes, I feel sure, but he has no diagnosis. In fact he himself thinks he might be and feels that a lot of the descriptions of how a pwBPD feels fits how he feels precisely. He just doesn't fulfil all the criteria, which a lot of pwBPDs also don't. A disorder isn't an absolute but by degrees and I guess in some aspects he may be BPD light. Also he has told me that it used to be worse when he was younger, but he has had some counselling over the years and although has never been given a diagnosis, nor had DBT, he knows and understands that he has problems. But we have been on a roller-coaster during our 2½ years together with some break ups and recycling. In many ways it has been so much more traumatic than when married to a APD. His BPD traits are push/pull, inappropriate anger outbursts and rages, projection, splitting, disassociation, anxiety, poor sense of self, fear of abandonment and engulfment - both seemingly as strong. He used to push blame onto me a lot but that together with the raging has abated. His main way of coping with the panic and inner turmoil is to take time out and distance himself, from everything and everyone.

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« Reply #28 on: September 19, 2011, 05:16:29 PM »

Interesting thread,

My own high functioning BPD ... .NEVER been outside a RS for more than a few weeks. Age 43 ... .2 marriages and this goes back to age 15.

In every previous RS I now know the truth rather than the story I was told by the ex BPD and it was a case of omissions and outright lies which she believed herself after telling them so often. Reality was for example first husband numerous affairs then caught so moved on and marriage number two ... .after him and a traumatic time as she drove him over the edge ... .a new one two weeks latter ... .he left after 6 weeks and then it was me ... .for 2 1/2 years. She moved on I suspect whilst with me ... .maybe not tha actual deed but one week after I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you it was ... .I hate you or its all your fault blah blah blah.

Now this behavoiur going on over 25 years will continue and whilst the dance may be different for the next victum the story and underlying plot remains the same.

They cannot be alone for mine with still looks and charm she still can attract victums but that time will end with age.

The other 8 traits from the rages to the fear of abandonment to gaslighting to projecting to abuse ect ect and lack of real feelings will not change. How long she holds the new one or he puts up with it is anyones call. she did have a 7 year then 14 year RS prior to me. In between I suspect upwards of 30 different partners whilst in a commited RS.


In the end they dont matter and I for one are much better off without the pain and torment and abuse and constant rubbish  ... .push pull ... .I love you ... .I hate you. I went close to becoming like her and yes am changed by the RS but not in totally bad ways.


What they now do with their lives is not my concern. Her new toy is no saint himself and has some form of a PD himself. Of course we all have some traits of a PD but the ex BPD I was with had 8 if not 9/9 of the criteria ... .well masked but after a few months I was so confused by the master iI honestly didn't know whener I was coming or going.


So many pathological double blinds it was heads you loose tails she won. It didn't matter which way one tunred. All this mixed up with the rest and it was sheer hell.


They move on ... .they dont ... .in the end once you get over the fact normally they do and ... .the outcome will be the same ... .they cant and will not change especially high funtioning ones who blame everyone else ... .

All that remains is YOU. And your life ahead without turmoil and without pain ! 
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