I hate my cheating ex-BPDgf

[BigSmushy]

I just found out that she was cheating on me right before we broke up. Shocking that a woman with BPD would do things like this. 3 years of a mess of a relationship and she throws it away on a Bar Manager that is 15 years older than her and bald? I just dont get it. She is the worst person that i have ever dated and even now she is trying to keep me strung along and contacting me telling me that she hopes that she and I can be in a "good place", she doesnt know that i know that she cheated.

Im going NO CONTACT, none, zero and when i see her in public i will ignore her as if she doesnt exist. She has ruined my thoughts of marriage and trust in a relationship. If i thought that she had one once of empathy id write her a letter to tell her how disgusted i am in her and she is the worst human being that i have ever had in my life. But im sure she would twist it around and blame me for it, like i made her cheat on me.

If you are in a relationship with a BPD, run, run like hell, never turn back. Maybe you can get the determination like i did to never look back. This is a line that cannot be crossed with me. I will not tolerate cheating, i will not fail to enforce this boundary.

Big Smushy, no more.

[redberry]

Good for you smushy.  Yes, they will cheat with anybody, unfortunately.  And deny it, or cover it up, or justify it, or blame you for it!  Their lack of commitment knows no bounds.  I would recommend writing the letter.  Get all of your emotions out.  But don't send it.  They can never understand our feelings and will only use it against you.  Hold on to it and pull it out when you feel weak.  A fellow board member once suggested making a copy of it and burning that copy to symbolically rid yourself of the relationship and move on.  Good idea if you ask me.     to you.

[ron7127]

You know, Smushy, you are fortunate. I am , too. For whatever reasons, probably because we were married and had kids, I seemed to be willing to stay in my abusive marriage forever. Emasculating remarks, cold water dousings in the shower, overspending, silent treatments for days, abuse of my ohter kids from a previous marriage-none of it was enough to make me bail. Iwas just so determined to make the marriage work , even with a monster as a partner.

But, I caught a break- she cheated. And, I discovered it with incontrevertible evidence. That was it, my get out of jail free card.

I knew that had I bailed earlier, I would have had a hard time justifying it to folks who could just not understand what it was like with her behind closed doors(she presented well to the outside world).

But, infidelity, well, folks understand why that is a dealbreaker.

These folks cheat, a lot. You are well advised to stick to your plan of no contact. And, you are so right.If you wrote her and expressed your feelings, she would just have disdain for you, even more than she already has. They are not capable of empathy. We need to accept that and stop believing they are like normal people.

[BigSmushy]

You guys are so right, a letter would only make her paint me black. Right now she wants us to be in a "good place" with each other. She has no clue that i know that she cheated on me, i'll never give her the satisfaction of giving her a reason to go off on me and twist it around.

If their biggest fear is abandonment, im going to give it to her, nice and cold just like she serves it up to me.

B.S.

[HostNoMore]

Hi BigSmush:

Mine exBPDgf passed her contact info straight to a bartender right in front of me while we were waiting to be seated.  This was the most embarrassing "date" of my entire life.  I gave her a piece of my mind and dumped her.  John Wayne would have been proud of me, but I failed him the next day!

Now, the next morning she was tapping on my bedroom window trying to weasel back to me.  I kind of let her get some control back into the r/s but my heart was DEAD.  She dumped me cold the following Saturday.  It tried to reel me back 3 weeks later while I was driving home from another date.  I guess she sensed a disturbance in the force.  I did not allow her to draw me back into her craziness.

Ice her now, but be prepared for immediate action to try to get you to come back to her fold.

Good Luck!  Stay strong... .

[seeking balance]

Big Smushy,

Anger will serve you well to help detach and move through the grief process.

Being cheated on sucks - takes an emotional toll.  Take good care of you and remember, her actions are not about you.

Take care,

SB

[gWocky00]

Yeh, me too,,it was cat and mouse for 18 years.  The only one she had to admit was the affair that yielded a child.  And yet i stayed, and raise the child as my own cause I felt it was the right thing to do to keep the family together.  We had two kids together. Now I have custody, of them all,  how ironic.  And it wont do any good to confront them with what you know.  I told her of the places and names, hoping to clear the air in the end, but she only turned it around on me.  Saying well, she could never be with me again if i knew all that and hid it from her.  Om my god. No empathy, no remorse, ever.  Whatever they do is because of you, in spite of you, and whatever reason is convenient. Thier lack of object constancy, feeds the lack of a conscience.  I still get angry once in a while, but mostly enjoy the fact that some other sap has to spend his days trying to babysit and control her actions to keep her out of trouble.  Good luck... .Good ridance. 

[2010]

Shocking that a woman with BPD would do things like this.

Is it? Or is it not shocking? (I'd say it's not shocking.)

she doesnt know that i know that she cheated. Im going NO CONTACT, none, zero and when i see her in public i will ignore her as if she doesnt exist.

It might be better if you give her an idea of why you are leaving. Giving a Borderline the silent treatment only makes them more demanding and dysregulated because it humiliates them with abandonment. This requires a lot of effort on her part to split herself into good, and cast off the bad on you, and so she will give her energy efficiently in places and to people who reinforce her good construct of herself while smearing *you.* The best prevention of this is worth a pound of cure- so taking control of the ending is a fine idea rather than leaving it up to the silent treatment.

If you are truly intent on the relationship being over, you must state this as clearly as possible and without emotion to her. Be factual and do not threaten or humiliate. If you cannot do this face to face- then an email will suffice.

Backstory: Since you’re in love with her, I'd like to give her credit, but any woman with an ounce of common sense would know that even a man with tons of self-confidence would be demolished by the revelation that his gf is sleeping around, never mind sleeping with a Bar Manager that is 15 years her senior. To have done that, her self-esteem has to be pretty low. And if you get emotionally involved with someone with low self-esteem and try to tell them all the reasons they are wrong for doing what they've done, you're in for one big train wreck down the line because they are *never* going to see things from your point of view.

This is a disorder and no one is bigger than the disorder. So don't waste your efforts trying to explain the difference between trust and betrayal to a person who has no concept of trust or betrayal. Borderline personality disorder is about the inability to delay gratification and control impulse. It's a compulsive belief that demands immediate gratification. Not your fault.

A no contact order in an e-mail, might look like this:

All contact is to be severed as of this email.

I do not want anymore communication from you.

I want to make it completely clear that a relationship is not wanted now nor in the future.

I do not want to see or hear from you again.

We will not engage in further discussions.

There will be no more arguing.

My decision is final,

It is non-negotiable.

Good Bye.

Use this only once. Do not justify, argue, defend or explain. (J.A.D.E.) Stand tall and put the boundary in place- then go no contact. You will encounter the smear, you may be tempted to speak to her again- let it go too. The outcome is better if you don't respond, otherwise you will be pulled back in.  Bringing up the infidelity will only bring about denial- so don't waste your energy.  Engaging in a he said/she said will once again be wasted on a person who sucks you back into their dysfunction based upon your goodness and rational thinking and problem solving.  

Stick to your guns- but make the boundary line known- It is definitely OVER, otherwise it's too vague and open for misinterpretation to a Borderline, who has no concept of personal boundaries nor respect for the boundaries of others. Be concise with your own and you'll be less likely to encounter acting out behaviors that may at the very least try to get you to talk again or at the very worst, threaten or scare you into rescue.  

[Beach_Babe]

If their biggest fear is abandonment, im going to give it to her, nice and cold just like she serves it up to me.

*stands up and claps* 

[Beach_Babe]

Mine would cheat with Lassie if he had a $100 bill in his mouth 

[readgal1]

Stay strong Mooshy! Good for you for knowing and keeping boundaries. I would be in a much better place if I was more like you!   

[harlemgurl]

Mine would cheat with Lassie if he had a $100 bill in his mouth 

I just metaphorically spit out my milk.

[BigSmushy]

She is in full on smear campaign mode. Im the crazy psycho one... .she wont come clean about the cheating. Yet she still trys to play the high road saying that she wanted to maintain a friendship? Seriously? i told her that i have moved on (and i have meet a great girl that i am starting to talk to, known her for 4 years, cool girl). The ex says that she is happy that i moved on, so hopefully after i transfer the vacation package she bought for me it will be the last tie that we have. Still blows my mind how fast they can be in a relationship with someone else. They can pull a 180 in two days flat... .CRAZY!

[fred2016]

I am learning to hate my BPD ex as it seems its the only way I am going to get over the betrayal.  I'm not even sure she was my "ex" as looking back despite being friends with her for several years and eventually being engaged to her she was never really in the relationship after the devaluation phase started.  She stopped having sex with me claiming she had lost her libido however on the same day we discussed it she was offering it on a plate to at least one of her exes - then got upset when the wedding was postponed!   The recycling went on for a further year including her getting pregnant and coming back to me as the father said he wanted nothing to do with it.  The worst part for me was discovering how ugly the guy she cheated on me with was.  He was old, fat, unshaven and rarely washed while she was genuinely a beautiful looking woman who could have had any man she wanted.  She has “justified it” by saying  he had told her he was very well off (he lied).    She lied through her teeth throughout the time we were together and she was stupid enough to think I would not catch her out, we live in a small village and people talk.  I gave her the chance to come clean yet she still persisted in her lies until I told her I had contacted the other guy to clear up which of us was being used - it turns out we both were!  I don’t know if I am in pain because I lost her because as stated above I feel I never really had her in the first place.  I think my pain is knowing she treated me with utter contempt when it was her who asked me out and I had done everything anyone could do for her.  As in a typical BPD relationship it was great for the first three months then out of nowhere the devaluation started.  I knew nothing of BPD at the time but did know her reputation for having a temper.  I made mistakes and once I knew what I was dealing with I tried every trick in the book to help us.  Even during the month I knew she was cheating I bent over backwards to help us and no matter what she tried I would not engage in an argument - she still left me for the other guy.   Usually men dump her when they can’t take her temper or abuse anymore and not one has bothered to try to find why she has a temper.  I expected her to give me a little credit for trying to find the solution to what was going on with her however she seemed  to get worse.  She complains I am not the man she thought I was however everyone we know has said it was her who changed me into what she wanted me to be.  She complains I threw her out and ended the “relationship” however when we first got together I warned her she could do anything except cheat.  That was my boundary and when she chose to cross it (at least twice in 7 months) she effectively threw herself out - yet she whines it was all my fault.  Yes I understand her fear of rejection and maybe I was the one she truly wanted however that being the case all she had to do was get some help with her problems.  I would have stood by her forever and obviously I still care or I would not be on these forums.  The real reason my heart is broken is she had the winning lottery ticket in her hand which could have changed her life forever but she threw it in the bin.   She is now deep in debt, has no money, living on benefits, has a baby due very soon and is un-medicated due to her denial - her life will be awful as will that of the baby.  No matter how much I loved her I have to learn to hate my BPD ex as it seems its the only way I am going to stop caring about her & get over the way I allowed her to treat me.