Loving The Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner Author: Nina Brown, EdD Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (June 2003) Paperback: 192 pages ISBN-10: 1572243546 ISBN-13: 978-1572243545

The most helpful/insightful book I've read on NPD. The book is brutally honest and really opened my eyes. I'm going to read it again.  

Book Description
A narcissistic partner is forever putting his or her own needs first and is also demeaning, manipulative, controlling, and competitive. After the early stages of a relationship, the non-narcissist is usually left questioning her value. In this first book for the intimate partners of narcissists, find empowering strategies you can use to limit the destructive effect of your partner's behavior and get what you need out of your relationship.

Learn the five types of destructive narcissism and how to recognize their effects on your relationship. The book reassures you that you are not helpless, and that you needn't give up on your relationship. Instead, the book offers realistic tips on living so that both of your needs are met. Change your 'fantasy' wishes into realistic expectations, create boundaries, listen and respond in a self-caring manner, and learn when to avoid and ignore especially bad behavior. The book teaches you how to stop feeding into a narcissist's self-focus with subtle behavior cues such as acting distracted when he or she vies for attention. Ultimately, you will achieve a degree of understanding and separation that will help you see both your partner and yourself in a new light.

About the Author
Nina Brown, Ed.D., LPC, NCC, is professor of counseling at Old Dominion University. Her area of expertise is the effects of narcissism on relationships.  Brown is the author of ten books, including Children of the Self-Absorbed, Working with the Self-Absorbed and Whose Life is it Anyway?

Has anyone read the book 'Loving the Self-Absorbed?' by Nina Brown?

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-self-absorbed

I was disappointed to find that there is no Kindle or eBook version of the book, and none of the book stores around here seem to have a copy. I'm thinking about ordering it. Amazon has a preview of the book and there is a test to quantify your perception of your partner's N traits (":)estructive Narcissist Rating Scale". Based on my perceptions, my wife's score came in at 117 (Serious - Your partner has many destructive narcissistic characteristics), and a total of ratings over 3 came up to 19 ("Manipulative". The TOC indicates that I need to read chapter 7, which, of course, isn't included in the free preview.  

Applying what I have learned here has improved things for everyone in our family a lot over the past few months, but this past week has sent her into overdrive. She's been dysregulated all week. I have been a validating fool, but she continues to block me out. Today I took some time to spend with my family when things didn't go well with my wife this morning. I was clear with her in text messages that I love her and that I will be back later. I just got home, and she seems to have escalated, probably because she feels like I abandoned her today. It's okay though... .I needed to do that.

So, anyway, it appears that the tools aren't working this week, because she's not open to really listening... .Don't get me wrong... .when I say the tools aren't working, I'm SURE that the tools are making things as good as they can be, it's just that it's not getting us back to a point where she isn't in her "super-defensive/angry" mode.

Sometimes you just have to wait and continue to use the tools in the meantime. I can accept that. I'm thinking that if she had fewer N traits that I would have already navigated this situation and we would have more peace around here. I've sent her a few emails this week that were brief, well though-out on my part... .careful not to present any blame... .using S.E.T. These emails seem to be annoying her more than anything. Using the different approach of leaving with love today didn't help either.

So, I'm wondering if I might try something in the book. I have noticed in the past that my wife typically doesn't like to acknowledge/discuss/think about her feelings at a core level, so, If I say, "I want to be here for you. I know that [niece's name]'s death has been hard on you and you want to be there for the rest of the family. Just like you want to be there for them, I want to be here for you." One side of me thinks that she doubts my sincerity and she is too afraid to trust that I am being genuine... .the other side of me thinks that maybe it's just too painful for her to think about any of this, and by me bringing it up, it's just reminding her of how painful it is. It's ironic though, because she has said things that indicate that her thoughts have been on this family tragedy a whole lot this week.

Any advice from chapter 7 that anyone doesn't mind sharing?

Marcie,

   Thanks. I appreciate the encouragement. I can't forget the times in the past when I was painted this black... .the feeling of hopelessness and anxiety I used to have. I'm so glad that I don't have those feelings anymore, but I'm always looking for a way to get to that next level, you know?   

The two books below are available in kindle form and you can read about them at the links below:

Disarming the Narcissist

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

You can check out the additional 2 books on the Amazon website.  They are available in Kindle form, as well.

Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited, by Sam Vaknin

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed