Waif/Fragile Look at the end of the relationship?

[Kentucky1]

Question. When I first met my exBPD, she had this waif/fragile look to her. The last day she came over so that we could make our peace and walk away from the relationship, she looked waif, had lost a great deal of weight, and just simply looked bad. She was sick early in the week and I did not go and check on her. I often think she was hoping I would come and check on her. I could not do that anymore. No more rescuing from me. I knew what was going on.

Any thoughts regarding you're experiences with this?

I remember a statement that she said. She said it is every man's dream to be granted a way out of the relationship. (WOW). Any thoughts on that statement?

This is a great site for me and I appreciate hearing you're responses and advice.

[shatra]

Hi

Welcome to the board. It sounds like the "waif" is upset over the end of the relationship so she lost weight and looked sad. She may have wanted a rescue attempt by you.

You wrote

I remember a statement that she said. She said it is every man's dream to be granted a way out of the relationship. (WOW). Any thoughts on that statement?

===Sounds like she is assuming she would be abandoned no matter what. She was projecting her fear of abandonment onto "every man" . they fear abandoment, and assume it is always coming their way!

   Sometimes waifs identify with sick people, animals, etc. They have a strong need to be rescued. Is she like that?

Shatra

[Applehead]

She probably had many men leave her based on her BPD behavior.  Thats what I have taken from her statement.

[Clearmind]

Kentucky, break-ups for Borderline's are also hard. My ex was all that you described and he is also a waif ~ he voiced how he felt after our break-up and in his words ~ he felt severely hopeless and worthless ~ BPDs hold chronic feelings of shame and he could not see one aspect of his character that was 'good'. These intense emotions are sure to show themselves externally.

When we separated I also lost a lot of weight ~ I could not eat, sleep or concentrate ~ my own intense emotions had a bearing on how I looked after myself or didn't as the case may be.

“I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member” [Groucho Marx] - my ex held this belief - that all who got close to him would leave ~ eventually. His fear of abandonment was intense and he bailed on our relationship before I could. If I had left first I am sure this would have caused more shame for him - he admitted to sabotaging the relationship.

We all hold beliefs - some new, some stemming back from our childhood. Knowing which ones to hold on tight to and which ones to let go because they are no longer valid is a gift! Borderlines hold onto a belief system that they are not worthy. Knowing what beliefs we hold onto, possibly some past their expiry date, is certainly key to moving forward from these relationships.

[Kentucky1]

Clearmind,

She reminded me of my deceased mom who passed 4 years ago. I started dating her 1.8 years aftter mom died from cancer ( I divorced 2 years before mom died, moved to a new state for my job, was working on PhD research to finish when she died, graduated 7 months after she died, and dad remarried 1 year after her death). You see, my mom was probably BPD herself and presented with many characteristic features. I grew up in hell and with very little attachment or affection from my mom. Our household was always in chaos between mom and dad. She always accused him of cheating and it became volatile at times ( There were more issues than just that). They both had issues and were emotionally unavailable to us and themselves. I know why I am drawn to BPD's as I have been in Counseling for a year. I think I have always known. You see, I too have self worth, confidence, and self esteem issues from childhood. People that know me and meet me don't understand how I could have those issues. They always feed my ego by talking about  how handsome I am, how charismatic I am, how intelligent I am  (I have a PhD- does not mean I am a genius) as I was an overachiever and worked very hard to earn my PhD in Exercise Physiology, how good of an athlete I was, and so on... .All that does not matter when you too are empty inside as well. I am finally starting to realize I am an intelligent person and I deserve a mutually equal and respectful relationship. I will not settle for anything less. I just turned 40 this year and I always joke that I guess it took me this long to try and put the pieces together and link everything back to childhood.

My exBPD went through hell herself. She is a good person as I wrote a letter telling her that. We both went to counseling together, however, she quit and I remember her saying that the counselor said she was ok when I asked how it was going. The counselor expressed to me that I was more emotional mature and that is why I continued with counseling.  I hope she heals and attends counseling for her sake. I JUST grew tired of her behavior (I have issues of my own as well), lost interest romantically,  and realized I could not play rescuer anymore. I am glad that I did not let her move in with me. She moved back home with her mom and she is 32 with a graduate degree and job. I could not save my MOM, therefore, I thought saving my ex would bring peace to the death of mom and my childhood.

Eric

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

Eric,

It's amazing but we have similar stories. Ther is a difference in that I am 55 years old and have finally put the pieces together. Rescuing had been my assigned position for as long as I could remember. I added a slight twist to it in that I would then try and rehabilitate them which made for a very dysfunctional relationship.

I am now dating a woman of my equal and I now have to hold myself accountable to be honest with my feelings and communicate with her as opposed to playing the old role I used to play. It is a nice feeling to know that this woman is with me not for what I can do for her or how I can rescue her from herself, as she is capable and able of managing her own life, but because of me. I have worked hard to get to this point and now I have to watch my behavior in this relationship to make sure I don't allow my past to negatively impact it.

Best of luck to you.

[jacksondog]

I Have a similar story, My exBPDgf started to  put the breaks on our relationship because I went out of town for the weekend to fish with my cousin.She refused me wanting to see and keep the relationship going. But we were still in contact over phone while making all these demands on me I had no control over, like selling my house. So I had been going out with friends, to places doing sociable things. She still was keeping me at a distance. Well Like I said

we were still in contact and I knew she had been getting sick with like a bad cold respiratory type illness. So Im out Friday night she calls and wanted me to go over to her house stating shes not feeling well. She was really sick she sounded terrible. So I said sure , I havnt seen her in 5 weeks.and I wanted be with her. So I go over to her house I started taking care of her getting things to make her feel comfortable.We fall asleep after she gives me some mean shots because I was out having a good time not caring for her. Now remember she in this 5 week period she is totally  keeping me at a distance.Next morning I start taking care of her. Getting things to make her feel comfortable, water, meds ect.ect. So I tell her look I have to go and see 2 customers ,It will take a couple hours I will be back by 11:00am and I will take you to the clinic. She was like you are unbelievable, I cant believe your leaving me like this. I said look I cant cancel on my clients I will be back.after she was stating more of the same, I pleaded with her please dont act like this I want to take care of you I will be right back and I will spend the rest of the week end with you. She wouldnt do it. I seen her 1 time after that.

[redberry]

At the beginning of my r/s, I was enamored by this poor, waif-like victim who had been abused and abandoned, like a hurt and unwanted child scared of the world and just in need of love. I promised I would always be there for him and our relationship started.

At the end of the r/s, when he broke up with me, I was shown the same person--but this time I was "the abuser."

[gettingoverit]

At the beginning of my r/s, I was enamored by this poor, waif-like victim who had been abused and abandoned, like a hurt and unwanted child scared of the world and just in need of love. I promised I would always be there for him and our relationship started.

At the end of the r/s, when he broke up with me, I was shown the same person--but this time I was "the abuser."

Wow... this is the exact scenario with my BPDxgf. The only thing that I would change is that she showed my replacement the same helpless "abused" victim schtick she had shown me at the beginning of our relationship. When it came to me, she avoided me at all costs while she continued to do mean and shtty things to hurt me on her way out the door. All I can say is I hope I hear about it when Karma finally catches up to her. She has a lot coming to her.

[jacksondog]

Gettingoveit I don't like to see anyone have bad things happen to them ,But I sometimes would like to see the Karma thing play through. But not for the reasons of what she put me through, but because I know at some level she knows what she has done is wrong. And she chooses to look the other way.We all should  be  responsible for our actions and I know that sometimes through the course of our R/S she knew what she was doing., and never asked for help. 2 years of all that B.S. and never got an apology. Is that an accident?

[2010]

I often think she was hoping I would come and check on her. I could not do that anymore. No more rescuing from me. I knew what was going on.

Good. This is the first step. Rescuing and fixing is in the blood of the partner of a Waif. Much has been written about this.  

Masterson (1980) observed that Borderlines choose partners that will take care of them rather than function as equal partners. This allows some (most) partners of Waifs to maintain distance through control because of fear of rejection. The partner of the Waif is perceived as, or thinks of the self as an “underdog.” Finding someone to reflect and also mirror the underdog status is very important- re-working it into hero status is the never ending cycle of need.

According to Christine Lawson, the Borderline waif tends to attract a Frog-Prince or Frog Princess, someone whom the Borderline can rescue (find rewarding) and whom they hope will rescue them (be rewarded.) The Waif identifies with the Frog’s helplessness and *fantasizes* about providing for the Frog what the Waif needs herself/himself. The two may share a belief that <<life is hard>> and they really, really need each other. In fact, they may even go so far as to assume that they cannot live without each other. This is partly due to the fusional quality of the Borderline waif and the wants and needs to fulfill the partner.

“Such shared feelings of helplessness and victimization indicate a poor prognosis for the (marriage) bond.” (Lawson) Unfortunately, the shared dream of happiness together rarely comes true because both partners are needy, one or the other may suffer from poor impulse control, and neither can serve the other’s need without referencing their own needs. They often confuse love with pity and cannot distinguish from the pity they feel for each other. (Lawson)

With BPD, the parent/child dynamic between the partner and the waif eventually evolves into master/servant. The Frog may try to be emotionally contained but may numb feelings with drugs or alcohol. It is said that Frogs have no idea of how to meet others emotional needs because their own needs were so unmet as children.

www.bpdresources.net/peer_book_reviews/christine_lawson.htm

[2010]

P.S. This is just food for thought.

“The archetypes represent generalizations that are useful only for identifying tendencies, not for understanding individuals. No two individuals share the same experience, this, infinite possibilities exist regarding how needs are met and expressed.” Pg. 179 Lawson.

[Kentucky1]

2010,

You are correct. I grew up receiving no affection from my mom. She was very disconnected and I grew up in a war zone. I could not rescue my mom from my father beating her. I remember that when I was 6. No child should ever witness that. No wonder I was an angry teen and adult getting into fights and taking it out on people on the football field. My rage was bad at times. I am in counseling and have been for a year.

However, explain to me my loss of interest in her then and the fact I just was not into her anymore. Why did I not respond to the reengagement? I had other options of which I have refused because I wan't to become healthy and not make the same mistake again. When she found me, I was grieving the death of my mom. Very tough time for me. I have put the pieces together and my counselor has been impressed with my ability to accomplish that.

With BPD, the parent/child dynamic between the partner and the waif eventually evolves into master/servant. The Frog may try to be emotionally contained but may numb feelings with drugs or alcohol. It is said that Frogs have no idea of how to meet others emotional needs because their own needs were so unmet as children. EXPLAINS MY SITUATUION.