Cold Feet in NEW Relationship--Still Wanting More Closure

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello friends,

Thank you for your time reading this post.  I've been divorced from my BPSO two 1/2 years, separated for three 1/2, and finally felt ready to enter a new relationship to a wonderful man that I respect and enjoy spending time with. 

Recently, I've been experiencing grief towards the failed marriage, even though I thought I'd fully processed it last year.  I loved so many things about my ex.  He may be the love of my life.  But I also know I cannot have it.   

When my new boyfriend and I are physically close, it sometimes feels wrong, like I'm cheating on my ex-husband.  Is this a bad sign? Does anyone recognize my behavior and can give me an eye-opener?

I told my boyfriend that I'm experiencing this grief and that I intend to work through it, and he is very understanding.  But then, instead of talking to a counsellor or pastor, I contacted my ex, hoping he might help me get the peaceful closure I'm looking for, and also wanting to see how it felt to talk to him--I guess, to sort of test the water once more.  We were able to have a very friendly and loving conversation, very spiritual actually.  He told me he will never be able to shut the door or our relationship and guesses we have still not seen the end of it." When I told him that I was in a new relationship and could not continue as we are, he then terminated our conversation. 

Why am I doing this?  I don't want to be with my ex.  I know it can't work.  Is this an abandonment issue? What do I want from this poor guy?  Can someone please pour a bucket of water over my head?

[calledandchosen]

Hello friends,

Thank you for your time reading this post.  I've been divorced from my BPSO two 1/2 years, separated for three 1/2, and finally felt ready to enter a new relationship to a wonderful man that I respect and enjoy spending time with. 

Recently, I've been experiencing grief towards the failed marriage, even though I thought I'd fully processed it last year.  I loved so many things about my ex.  He may be the love of my life.  But I also know I cannot have it.   

When my new boyfriend and I are physically close, it sometimes feels wrong, like I'm cheating on my ex-husband.  Is this a bad sign? Does anyone recognize my behavior and can give me an eye-opener?

I told my boyfriend that I'm experiencing this grief and that I intend to work through it, and he is very understanding.  But then, instead of talking to a counsellor or pastor, I contacted my ex, hoping he might help me get the peaceful closure I'm looking for, and also wanting to see how it felt to talk to him--I guess, to sort of test the water once more.  We were able to have a very friendly and loving conversation, very spiritual actually.  He told me he will never be able to shut the door or our relationship and guesses we have still not seen the end of it." When I told him that I was in a new relationship and could not continue as we are, he then terminated our conversation. 

Why am I doing this?  I don't want to be with my ex.  I know it can't work.  Is this an abandonment issue? What do I want from this poor guy?  Can someone please pour a bucket of water over my head?

[Huh?]

Not fair to your new guy... .could be the start of cheating.  Is that the kind of person you want to be?

You asked for a bucket of water. 

End it with the new guy if you plan on going behind his back to talk to your ex.

[roberto516]

This is why I'm fully committed to never being with anyone again outside of flings where I specifically state that's my intention. Not because I still love her or would be cheating on her. But because I won't ever trust again. And that's alright for me. I'm addicted to the high. It's what I think a relationship should be. Everything else is boring. So I'll look for the thrill elsewhere.

But for you. I'm not sure. He still means a lot to you. That's clear. But if I got a call from her and said those things and she told me she was dating someone I'd be furious. Maybe you still need time to heal?

At the worst, if you feel conflicted, please don't lead this new man on. I did this after dating a BPD and even though it was 2 years later I let the girl know after a month we weren't going to work out.

That was my fear of trusting again. She was perfect. But I feared a relationship and so I ran. Maybe you are fearing something? I dunno. Good on you to tell the new guy your stuff though. Relationship is all about communication and understanding.

[calledandchosen]

Thank you Huh? and Roberto.

I did emotionally cheat last night.  I got drunk and texted my ex, sent pictures and confessed my love.  Despite the warm results, I don't want it though.  I don't want the whole package.  I miss our friendship so much and our sex.  But not the day in day out drama and violence. 

I guess I need to come clean to my boyfriend. I'm scared.  My new guy will be furious.  He'll probably break up with me.  This sucks.  I should've figured this out before... .  I thought I had, though... . 

I don't want to be with my ex, I just have love for him and don't know what in the heck to do with it.

[Emotions]

If only our ex's felt the same way... .they can "cheat" pretty easily, I don't know about yours chosen. I just went through the anger stage of grief. One of the first time for me... .I'm through it for now, I guess it's Saturday night and that's a tough time for me... .I feel like if I made love to someone else it would be "cheating" on my,,, EX GIRLFRIEND... .how sad is that she is cheating just fine. Anyway just my two cents, I respect your honesty and I feel the same way as you do, just wish our ex's did too

[calledandchosen]

Thanks, Emotions,

Yes, my ex did not have the same level of commitment that I had to making things work, and it is a sad story indeed.

I told my boyfriend about last night and he is pretty bummed out.  He wants me to see a counselor so I can figure this stuff out.  I'm worried now and I miss him.  I want to be with my new boyfriend. 

I am wondering if my relapse with my ex has to do with a trigger or sorts.  I am thinking it may be due to the fact that my new relationship has become more serious and I am a little scared about moving forward.  Are you making steps to move forward?

--Thanks again

[stimpy]

Perhaps you're simply not quite ready yet to date again?

If you are contacting your ex at what sounds like an important stage in your new relationship, then to my mind your feelings aren't truly settled yet, and it may take you a little longer for you to truly move on and be ready. You mention the "drama and the violence" in your relationship with your BPD ex... .to me you may need to look into why you would consider talking to someone who was violent.

There seems to conflicted messages coming... .that you miss the friendship and the sex, but don't want to go back to him... .so another question, if you have a fixer / rescuer way of thinking, are you still trying to fix the relationship with your ex, rather than take your new relationship forward. And what sounds quite unfortunate, is that your new relationship may also now need fixing... .

[Mint julep]

Ahh calledandchose, I certainly am not in a place to give you any advise... .considering what I am going thru. Just wanted to say I completely understand why you contacted you ex... .but please don't sabatoge you new love for a man that you know will make you go thru the pain all over again. Please try to be strong. Remember... .character, integrity, fruits of the spirt. Hugs for you today.

[Emotions]

Am I making steps to move forward? Good question... .this is day 13 for her no contact and day 7 for me no contact... .so in doing nothing I am doing something, gaining some  self respect back. I still pray and visualize a text from her on my phone before I check it, and I even know what my response would be... .ITS ABOUT TIME. I do all the normal stuff to move forward, but the most important thing which is the most exhausting to me is controlling my thoughts. She has been in my dreams which makes it tough to get her out of my head. But I KNOW this is the hurdle I have to get over. I need to think about myself and my blessings outside of her as much as I can. I haven't yet accepted that she is gone, and when I do it will hit me hard for awhile, but hopefully start to go away. I have to remember the anxiety I felt when she was around towards the end. I don't believe it would have gotten better. As I went for a long run this morning I realized how far I have come since our split. If she only did half as much work as I have done, she would realize that we could make it work. But I have little doubt that she is idealizing someone else and avoiding her healthy lifestyle in alcohol and her new medication (Dexedrine). Whoops, you asked about me not my ex... .I guess all the usual to stay healthy but the most important thing is to concentrate my mind on my life and the blessings in it the current moment. And it ain't easy right now, but I have faith it will get easier. At least I can smile at strangers and wish them joy these days, so little victories I will think about! GREAT question I feel better after writing my answer... .how bout you chosen? What are you doing to move forward?

[OptimusRhyme]

I don't want to be with my ex, I just have love for him and don't know what in the heck to do with it.

A big trick for me was to realize the love that I was left holding without closure at the end of the relationship, the love that I had built and generated on what I thought were shared perspectives and experiences, that was my love. It came from within me, and after I learned about the mechanics of BPD, the mirroring and the fact that she simply couldn't process things the way I did and vice versa, I realized that what I really missed and was upset about wasn't her, it was the person I had hoped she was, the person who was down to explore the same ideal relationship with the same ideal tools as I was. Once I could see that, I realized that I could take that love anywhere, that I could find someone who could actually be the person I had hoped she was. And once I realized THAT, I realized that I could take the love that came from within me, the love I was so uncomfortable carrying without a healthy outlet, and give it back to myself.

Can you give your love back to yourself?

[calledandchosen]

OptimusRhyme,

Oh my WOW those are beautiful words you wrote here.  I followed your train of thought all of the way down until the part about loving myself.  I am wondering what you mean?  I think I love myself.  I have been very selective about who I allow into my life, and how I am treated.  I broke up with the new guy whom I dated for 8 months, because my feelings just weren't deep enough, and for solid reasons, and I didn't see a future.  I do cleanses, workout regularly, have fun Meetups with great friends, dress up sometimes, attend a lovely church, cook great meals, monitor my drinking, study the Bible every morning--EVERY morning, am creative daily.  Is this being good to myself?  I may not be ready to date yet, as somebody on here mentioned, but I'm physically missing being in a fun sensual relationship and it's been about four years. I didn't sleep with the last guy I dated, or anyone else since my ex, and I need to address these needs at some point. I have been sexually frustrated and want a partner, but no one has measured up yet. 
     All of you posting on here--I can so relate to you. Thanks for sharing.

[calledandchosen]

Can you share some examples of how you love yourself?  I believe I am loving myself.