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Author Topic: I decided: I will crush her  (Read 6791 times)
Kminery
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« on: May 21, 2012, 03:14:47 AM »

Those boards have been helping me make some sense of life after my horrible breakup with my exuBPDgf.

You have saved me in everything from NC to stopping the tears. 4 months after the break up, while she's moved in with my replacement, she keeps sending me texts once every two weeks, telling me she wants to see me when we're in the same country this summer, etc.

Lately, after looking at all the damage done on my health, pride, wealth, and dignity, I decided that the only way for me to move on, is not to find someone else, not to focus on myself, BUT to annihilate her with the most crushing revenge. I want to meet her this summer, and I want to tell her that I am gonna make her taste every single pain she's inflicted on me for the last 2 years. I am not gonna let her get away from this. I'm gonna anonymously post her naked pictures, I'm gonna message her parents about some damaging stories she's hid from them, I'm gonna tell my replacement demeaning stories she told me about him, etc.

That's it. I'm gonna do it. I decided to f' her up. No mercy. No remorse. I don't care. I know my circle of friends that I care about and care about me would understand this move; they all saw me spiraling down into depression and they hate everything about her already. I don't care about what her friends (the tiny number of them) or her family will think. I'm gonna crush her and this will bring me the ultimate satisfaction. I will not regret it. I can't regret it anything more than every second I spent on this witch.

I will not let her get away with it. An eye for an eye...
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james79
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« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2012, 03:29:26 AM »

which will make you worse than her. And make you feel even worse. I understand your pain. But be the better person.
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BentNotBroken
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« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2012, 03:45:56 AM »

Not worth the effort. It would be like beating up on a mentally handicapped adult. You will end up looking like a monster, feeling like a monster, and you probably will end up with legal consequences.

I understand your pain. I have been through it. The only recourse that is worth the effort is one that is legal, ethical, and doesn't require me to stoop to her level. She cost me everything, but if I do what I wanted to do, I will lose my soul in the process. She is not worth it.

I was a good, decent man before I met her, while I was with her for over 15 years, and I still am one today. If I get down in the gutter with her, our son will have no one sane to be there for him and show him how other people should be treated. My ex only knows how to use other people to get what she wants. Just like a greedy little child.
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nonbpd
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« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2012, 03:49:07 AM »

This will not change what she did to you! When you will do it you will have a rush of adrenaline, and feel happy. Long term it will generate more drama and raise questions in your head about who you are. You will be ashamed of yourself after some time. Do yourself a favor and delete her from your life. Live as she doesn't exist and make sure you will never hear from her or of her again and vice-versa.

I know the pain very well! It is hell on earth. But apart from getting away from the drama, sorrownding yourself with positive loving people, concentrating on reconstructing your life... .nothing works!

Take care
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the_way_back
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« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2012, 04:07:53 AM »

In her mind all it will do is justify everything she says about you. Rise above. Nothing you do will achieve what you think it will achieve. Your best bet is just shaking the dust from your shoes and moving on. She WILL destroy her own life. And she won't be able to blame you for it.

I felt exactly like you. But ive seen enough to know that my ex can't outrun herself. She can't divorce herself. She is always right where she is.

Deep breaths. What you're talking about will pull so much drama and anxiety in to your life, and you will feel worse for it in the long run.
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Nemo
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« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2012, 04:43:21 AM »

Symphatize with you.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

They shouldn't be able to ruin our lives with no consequences.

It is not about revenge, it is just letting them know their behaviour is unacceptable.

You cannot treat people like garbage.

Funny how they make their Family have the impression we are the villains.

Go for it imho.
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bonnie
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« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2012, 05:14:16 AM »

sorry wrong i know but i did have a smile on my face reading your post.but seriously i feel like that some days but all it does is give them the upper hand and every strip of black paint she has painted u with will just get blacker and thicker and heavier.the minute we fall crazy the minute they "prove"we are the crazy ones and another day we have just given them the right to do this to us.im so with u on this but trust me it will  just make u look like the fool in the end cause they have spent a lifetime doing what they do and they are the best in the game.we win in the end by living a normal life...
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james79
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« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2012, 05:15:07 AM »

sorry wrong i know but i did have a smile on my face reading your post.but seriously i feel like that some days but all it does is give them the upper hand and every strip of black paint she has painted u with will just get blacker and thicker and heavier.the minute we fall crazy the minute they "prove"we are the crazy ones and another day we have just given them the right to do this to us.im so with u on this but trust me it will  just make u look like the fool in the end cause they have spent a lifetime doing what they do and they are the best in the game.we win in the end by living a normal life...

exactly.
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bpdlover
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« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2012, 05:38:25 AM »

And because they don't operate in reality, they can then go about trying to ruin you in the most irrational crazy way, and they might get the mud to stick. You can't annihilate what doesn't exist. She has a disorder. The best thing that has ever happened to your future, is that she is in your past now. Do not forget this. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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MindfulJavaJoe
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« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2012, 05:42:52 AM »

I decided that the only way for me to move on, is not to find someone else, not to focus on myself, BUT to annihilate her with the most crushing revenge. I want to meet her this summer, and I want to tell her that I am gonna make her taste every single pain she's inflicted on me for the last 2 years. I am not gonna let her get away from this. I'm gonna anonymously post her naked pictures, I'm gonna message her parents about some damaging stories she's hid from them, I'm gonna tell my replacement demeaning stories she told me about him, etc.

I can understand how you feel.

When we are grieving your loss it almost inevitable that we go through the anger phase.

Fantasizing about doing these things may help you process your feelings but there are healthier ways to express your anger. Shouting, punching a pillow or punch bag, exercise allare great and safe outlets for anger there are more. Talking to a therapist and if necessary sharing here as you have done  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) .

When this is over you will want to be able to look in the mirror and know that you at all times acted with dignity and integrity.

I swore that I would never stoop down to her level.

Recognise your anger. Vent it a healthy way and realise it is a normal phase but it is a phase you have to go through as you detach from her.

I wish you well.

MJJ

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redfeather
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« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2012, 09:38:10 AM »

Kminery,

Dont do that. Can you leave her alone in your thoughts as well as in any form of contact? Dont meet up with her this summer at all... .really bad idea. Can you get to a place that you forgive her?

I completely understand 100% wanting revenge. I have felt over the last 3 months a incredibly strong urge to lash out at mine and "get her back". Destroy her game completely... .and I could.  

But to win this battle really win it... .we have to go 100 No Contact... just for us. The silence they cannot stand and it hurts them immensely.

The old adage the best revenge is a life well lived is so true! See she cant do that on a continuing healthy basis... .but you can.

Vent this out here. we are here for you but please do not hurt her or yourself. it is so not worth it... .Hi!
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ellil
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« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2012, 09:50:17 AM »

Hi Kminery, I'm thinking just making that post may have made you feel a bit better? 

Also, just because you post pics anonymously, doesn't mean you're not traceable by your ip address. Don't forget certain things are actionable in civil court, and Lord knows we don't want to find ourselves in that position with an ex BPD! 

I remember how HOSTILE and pissed I was at points in my anger... .my favorite fantasy was a bus running over him and my replacement. It passed after a few months though.

Hope you feel better soon!

M

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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #12 on: May 21, 2012, 10:03:35 AM »

1) It will not make you feel better over the long term. You stoop to their level.

2) They will learn nothing.

3) Your health, pride, wealth, and dignity can be restored. You going to sacrifice integrity for the very short-lived satisfaction of revenge?

You are better than that.
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Mystic
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« Reply #13 on: May 21, 2012, 11:08:57 AM »

Little story here.

I was with my ex husband for 15 years.  In that time he did just about every bad thing a man could do to a woman to me.  He cheated.  Drank.  Beat me.  There was emotional abuse. Neglect.  Financial irresponsibility.  Neglected our kids. 

I gave him nothing but good.  I did everything I could, was faithful, loving and loyal in the face of all that.  I abided by my conscience and my vows. 

Eventually he left.  Whatever demons drove him, drove him out.  We were at the tipping point... .sometimes I think he left because he knew he'd kill me if he didn't. 

He remarried, had another child. He and his (nasty)  new wife were ugly to me and our kids, fought child support, neglected and eventually abandoned our son. 

We are divorced 13 years.  The boys are now grown, good men, with good lives of their own.  We haven't seen/heard from him in about two years. 

Yesterday he called our son... .saying he has been having bad dreams, was worried about us.   ?   Son said he thought he was crying. Then he called me.  Talked, rambled for quite a while... .said at least a few times that he would "turn the clock back if he could, but he knows he can't".  Sounded to me like he was crying too.  It was all very strange. 

Then he called eldest (my child from a previous r/s) who let him have it with both barrels.  Not everyone is a bleeding heart codependent.  I guess at that point ex was crying. 

So there you have it.  Even years later, the demons come home to roost.  You can't give out ugliness and cruelty and not have it all return to you in spades at some point.   

I did nothing.  I didn't "get even" or "take revenge".  I let go and went on with my life.  Period. 

Sometimes it's just best to put things in God's hands... .and let it all go. 

My ex is dealing with his past and his guilt, without my help. 

Quite honestly I got no satisfaction out of it, just felt rather sad and sick about it all. 

Sometimes the hardest bed to lie in is the one we make for ourselves.  Keep your hands clean... .eventually the demons catch up with those who unleash them. 

I've always believed it, now I know it to be true. 
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redberry
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« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2012, 11:18:35 AM »

I agree with mystic.  I want to do some of the same things you mentioned and get revenge, and not to sound all zen or anything but the universe will take care of it.  They spiral down in misery.  It is inevitable.  I want to keep my hands clean and not get caught up in the spiral.  People say the best revenge is living well.  It took a while to get there, but I agree with that.  Live well, my friend.
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atwitsend
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« Reply #15 on: May 21, 2012, 12:19:19 PM »

K---

I fear you'll not get much support for your plan on these boards since anger, revenge and such are generally frowned upon, but I think you should go for it in spades! Though I don't know about your specific pain, I do know about mine. And had I been able to return the hurt and misery, I would have. Even my T recommended using my anger to get beyond the hurt. Guess what? It works.

Karma and comeuppance are cool and come eventually in cases of borderlines. Personally, I hate 'eventuallys.' Give 'Em hell!
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« Reply #16 on: May 21, 2012, 12:33:59 PM »

An eye for an eye... .fight fire with fire.  But what happens to you if you fight crazy with crazy?
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ellil
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« Reply #17 on: May 21, 2012, 12:42:39 PM »

Hi Kminery, you've gotten pretty much consistency through the thread here. The reason is because after all people have been through with their pwBPD, certain things work for the benefit of the members (the non) and certain things do not work.

For instance, revenge seldom produces the desired outcome. Sure, it makes you feel good, really, really good at the time, then you go right back to where you were. Only now, you may have done something that causes you further problems.

For instance, heck, I've been reading posts where pwBPD are keeping property of individuals. Heck man! Go over and kick the door in, and go TAKE what is your property, right?

Wrong--more than likely you'll get thrown in jail overnight and end up in court in a few weeks/months. Your ex would've gotten the best of the situation. Posting private pics is one of those situations.

So what do you do? You handle it through proper channels--go through the system to get your property back.

It's the same with you. The work we need to do on our insides isn't about one-time revenge. It's about drilling down to our core to find out why we were in these positions. We played a part in our downfall.

Just keep posting here. Anger is okay, and it's a necessary step in healing. Just don't let it do something to you that's  going to make the situation worse.

 

M
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atwitsend
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« Reply #18 on: May 21, 2012, 01:03:05 PM »

Excerpt
The work we need to do on our insides isn't about one-time revenge. It's about drilling down to our core to find out why we were in these positions. We played a part in our downfall.

With all due respect elli--there are times and occasions and relationships when we (as nons) DON'T play a part in our downfalls save the fact that we are decent human beings just trying to be decent to someone who is incapable of being decent back.

Why in God's name must everything here be about "drilling down to our core" and fixing things within us when there may not necessarily be a damn thing wrong with us--save the fact that we fell in love with a crazy person.

NO ONE is recommending kicking any doors in or breaking the law (it took me two years and two law suits to get my things back)... .NO ONE is recommending bringing on a harassment case (sorry, but if you expect privacy after putting yourself out there on Facebook or Twitter, you get what you deserve), but perhaps every so often the support that should be given here ought to be something beside the typical "look-inside-yourself/fix yourself" pablum that permeates these threads.

Sometimes it's NOT our fault... .sometimes we DON'T need to fix ourselves.
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ellil
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« Reply #19 on: May 21, 2012, 01:05:45 PM »

When we stay in bad situations, at some point the blame is not solely on the other party. I think there are rare situations where someone may not have any means of getting out, I mean none--no family, no job, kids, and they have to really look for ways out.

The other situations?

Why did we stay. I see issues with me in falling in love with a crazy person. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Kminery, I am wondering how you feel right now with your anger? It's been a little bit since your original post. Are you feeling any better?

M
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BlushAndBashful
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« Reply #20 on: May 21, 2012, 01:17:37 PM »

Kminery-

I'm going to agree with everyone here. And hey, trust me. I'm not a "be a bigger person" or "work on yourself" kind of gal. I'm talking about real world experience.

Only bad things will happen. I promise. You will have a whole script in your mind of how it's going to play out- and it won't. Almost every single "brilliant monologue" I have planned out has gone horribly wrong. I have been threatened with restraining orders on more than one occasion for absolutely ridiculous stuff. I have been backstabbed and painted black.

Take what little sanity you have left. You won't get anything from meeting with her- no closure, no one-upmanship, no revenge. Nothing.

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lastwave
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« Reply #21 on: May 21, 2012, 01:21:39 PM »

 Hi!NoSurrender

Excerpt
Why in God's name must everything here be about "drilling down to our core" and fixing things within us when there may not necessarily be a damn thing wrong with us--save the fact that we fell in love with a crazy person.

In carefully examining my dating/relationship history since High School (I'm in my 60's now) there has been a consistent string of woman who would not or could not meet my needs, be true honest partners (all of BPD/NPD behaviors you read about on these boards!)... .BUT those women are not the pattern I AM. I was the one--for some "core" reasons gravitated and attached to emotionally unavailable and ill women.

The answer to why we need to drill down to our core is for us to see our role, correct whats broken in us, and learn how to choose healthier partners. Revenge or getting even will not in the long run resolve the "why" we are attached to those who will harm us.

I understand how you feel--I've been there--but getting even didn't solve anything. Take care of YOURSELF !
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Nemo
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« Reply #22 on: May 21, 2012, 01:25:34 PM »

Kminery-

I'm going to agree with everyone here. And hey, trust me. I'm not a "be a bigger person" or "work on yourself" kind of gal. I'm talking about real world experience.

Only bad things will happen. I promise. You will have a whole script in your mind of how it's going to play out- and it won't. Almost every single "brilliant monologue" I have planned out has gone horribly wrong. I have been threatened with restraining orders on more than one occasion for absolutely ridiculous stuff. I have been backstabbed and painted black.

Take what little sanity you have left. You won't get anything from meeting with her- no closure, no one-upmanship, no revenge. Nothing.

Disagree  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I went for lunch with my exBPDgf after 6 weeks and I was very civilized.

Then I decided to "retaliate" and hurt her emotionally like no one has done b4.

Said some really bad things that she'll have to cope with and come to terms with for the rest of her life.

She'll never forget that, trust me.

Quid pro quo

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redberry
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« Reply #23 on: May 21, 2012, 01:43:42 PM »

Nemo, how did it turn out?  How did it make you feel?
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Nemo
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« Reply #24 on: May 21, 2012, 01:50:56 PM »

Nemo, how did it turn out?  How did it make you feel?

After 3 1/2 years of rage and abuse against me. I just had enough, after she cheated on me and kicked me out of the flat. She took me financially for a ride as well. She planned it all along.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Hate the slapper.

Helped me move on.

Luckily we didn't have kids.
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atwitsend
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« Reply #25 on: May 21, 2012, 01:55:32 PM »

Excerpt
The answer to why we need to drill down to our core is for us to see our role, correct whats broken in us, and learn how to choose healthier partners.

And, what I'm saying, is that you need to allow for the fact that sometimes, there's nothing to correct--at all. Have been in several very sane relationships and am still in contact with those women. We broke up cause we grew apart. It was all civil, it was all mature. Then there was Ms. Hyde... .
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Rise
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« Reply #26 on: May 21, 2012, 02:01:50 PM »

I can't say I know what your goals for healing are, but I know a huge goal of mine is not allowing my ex to control my life, my well-being, and my emotions. I want to take back my life. I want to be the one in my life with the power. By pursuing a course of revenge, you're letting her control your actions. You're letting her actions, the things she's done to you, be your motivation. You're still letting her be the driving force in your life. Don't let her be that important. She's not.

Nosurrender is right, your anger can be a useful tool in moving on. But only if you use it to move forward. Seeking out revenge isn't moving forward. It's brooding. It's focusing your thoughts and your emotions on your ex. It's staying trapped in the same emotional cycle of hurt. Let's say you do make her life miserable. And let's say her being miserable finally makes you happy. You haven't severed your connection to her. You're still emotionally tied into her. You really want your emotional state directly connected to hers? You want what's going on in her life to be the emotional barometer for yours? You're still giving her the power to determine whether or not you're going to be happy. That's not moving forward. That's not getting over her. That's not healing.

I truly do hope you can find a place where you can begin to heal yourself.
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« Reply #27 on: May 21, 2012, 02:02:55 PM »

Ah that old friend anger and retribution... .its a lot easier to be pissed than hurt.  I'm guessing at one time or another most of have entertained some sort of revenge fantasy.  

Heres the kicker when dealing with a person with severe deficits in empathy, it may be a mistake to think they feel the same way you do.  So much so its number two of the 10 beliefs.

Thinking that they feel this revenge may not even be possible, it may be like everything else you tried to communicate.  Not heard, acknowledged, or felt.

Is seeking revenge help to detach or do you end up more emotionally invested dancing with a disordered person at the cost of your character?

GM
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« Reply #28 on: May 21, 2012, 02:06:38 PM »

Excerpt
I decided that the only way for me to move on, is not to find someone else, not to focus on myself, BUT to annihilate her with the most crushing revenge. I want to meet her this summer, and I want to tell her that I am gonna make her taste every single pain she's inflicted on me for the last 2 years. I am not gonna let her get away from this. I'm gonna anonymously post her naked pictures, I'm gonna message her parents about some damaging stories she's hid from them, I'm gonna tell my replacement demeaning stories she told me about him, etc.

That's it. I'm gonna do it. I decided to f' her up. No mercy. No remorse. I don't care. I'm gonna crush her and this will bring me the ultimate satisfaction. I will not regret it. I can't regret it anything more than every second I spent on this witch.

I will not let her get away with it. An eye for an eye...

The clinical term for this is "narcissistic injury." It is an unhealthy behavioral ego defense as it desires to destroy an "object" that has not reflected back the false self properly.

Your continued involvement with a conceptualized object is (and was) your own doing. Throwing mud on the former mirror may be your way of soiling her in the eyes of other people, but the truth is it will only make you look like a vengeful narcissist. People are not objects- and they have the right to stop mirroring. In order to be at peace with this, you have to let go.

According to Kohut and self psychology:

For Kohut, narcissistic rage is related to narcissists' need for total control of their environment, including "the need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by whatever means". It is an attempt by the narcissist to turn from a passive sense of victimization to an active role in giving pain to others, while at the same time attempting to rebuild their own (actually false) sense of self-worth. It may also involve self-protection and preservation, with rage serving to restore a sense of safety and power by destroying that which had threatened the narcissist.

Alternatively, according to Kohut, rages can be seen as a result of the shame at being faced with failure. Narcissistic rage is the uncontrollable and unexpected anger that results from a narcissistic injury - a threat to a narcissist's self-esteem or worth. Rage comes in many forms, but all pertain to the same important thing, revenge. Narcissistic rages are based on fear and will endure even after the threat is gone.

To the narcissist, the rage is directed towards the person that they feel has slighted them; to other people, the rage is incoherent and unjust.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_rage_and_narcissistic_injury

Excerpt
I don't care about what her friends (the tiny number of them) or her family will think.

I think you do care. Otherwise you wouldn't expend the energy to publicly throw mud on her to make yourself feel temporarily better. It's the public reaction you seek to prove your omnipotence, not to give you freedom from distress. Retaliation will only fail and cause you more distress and that's not the way out of your pain.

Your best bet is to understand your pain and come to terms with it privately and responsibly. You can't give pain to others while lessening your own.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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Rise
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« Reply #29 on: May 21, 2012, 02:23:16 PM »

Said some really bad things that she'll have to cope with and come to terms with for the rest of her life.

She'll never forget that, trust me.

Quid pro quo

She may never forget it, but I'm sure how she remembers it isn't how you think. I highly doubt she'll be coping or coming to terms with anything the rest of her life. Do you really think if she were capable of that, she'd act the way she does?
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