Owning whats mine

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know if I'm ready to "own" these things, but I know they're there, that they're mine, and they're just waiting for me to suck it up and bring them into the light from where they've been packed up.

1) Poor boundaries. Really, really poor, like bottom of the barrel "Where do I end and you begin?" poor! I mirror people way too much, and mirroring someone with BPD is like doubleplusungood.

2) Being self-centered and disinterested in doing anything about it, because it was/is a survival trait that I value.

3) Falling too easily into fantasy and getting wrapped up in the infatuation stage over and over again while disregarding everything logic and experience was telling me. Believing that somehow "this time" would be different.

4) Never listening to her, despite her intelligence and insight, because I had her pinned in this "crazy, dramatic, overly emotional" pigeonhole. I automatically dismissed anything she said about me.

5) Shutting down emotionally when she expressed pain and never actually being there or supporting her emotionally. I compounded all of her abandonment fears time and time again by being emotionally distant. (Not on purpose, but it happened nonetheless.) I disregarded many pleas over the years to show her that I cared, because I felt backed into a corner and angry at being forced to be someone I wasn't.

6) Taking her for granted.

7) Lashing out when angry. Forgetting to consider love and kindness and letting my anger take precedence over everything else.

8) Going back time and time again even though I knew she would end up hurt by my distance and therefore further contributing to her issues.

[mosaicbird]

I don't know if I'm ready to "own" these things, but I know they're there, that they're mine, and they're just waiting for me to suck it up and bring them into the light from where they've been packed up.

1) Poor boundaries. Really, really poor, like bottom of the barrel "Where do I end and you begin?" poor! I mirror people way too much, and mirroring someone with BPD is like doubleplusungood.

2) Being self-centered and disinterested in doing anything about it, because it was/is a survival trait that I value.

3) Falling too easily into fantasy and getting wrapped up in the infatuation stage over and over again while disregarding everything logic and experience was telling me. Believing that somehow "this time" would be different.

4) Never listening to her, despite her intelligence and insight, because I had her pinned in this "crazy, dramatic, overly emotional" pigeonhole. I automatically dismissed anything she said about me.

5) Shutting down emotionally when she expressed pain and never actually being there or supporting her emotionally. I compounded all of her abandonment fears time and time again by being emotionally distant. (Not on purpose, but it happened nonetheless.) I disregarded many pleas over the years to show her that I cared, because I felt backed into a corner and angry at being forced to be someone I wasn't.

6) Taking her for granted.

7) Lashing out when angry. Forgetting to consider love and kindness and letting my anger take precedence over everything else.

8) Going back time and time again even though I knew she would end up hurt by my distance and therefore further contributing to her issues.

[Cumulus]

OK this is really hard. I think the biggest thing for me was that although I kept telling him to get his own life and interests, really I liked the fact that I was in control of all the big decisions in our life. Maybe this is partly why he "acted out".  Looks like I need to work on letting go of some control issues.

[struggli]

-Empathizing/trying to understand her point of view every time I felt a boundary was crossed until I began to let go of my values and perception of how a relationship ought to be

-Projecting what I wanted her to be, denying how she really is

-Being controlling instead of letting go

-Moving too quickly (sexually) from day one

-Refusing to acknowledge red flags, gut feelings, etc

-Using all my energy on her

-Although trying to understand her POV about sex through a trauma lens, still wanting intimate, frequent sex

-Feeling like a god because a beautiful woman wanted me and loved me for who I was and I was admired by other men for having a hot gf (external validation)

-Automatically gave trust and respect to her

-Got violent once with her

-Attempted to be her therapist and pushed her to heal when she didn't want to

-Took her back completely upon each recycle, excusing all previous behavior and thinking she had "seen the light"

-Ignored both of our FOOs thinking it was irrelevant and the love between the two of us was the only relevant factor

-Brought up her past violations of trust anytime I sensed another one coming.  Preemptive chastising.

-2nd breakup was by me and was perhaps a knee-jerk reaction to her getting a ride from her ex whom she had already left me for on our first breakup.  Maybe it was assertive of me, maybe it was rash.  I don't know.  And I don't know what happened after they were out of my sight.  But when I saw her drive away with him, it triggered memories of first breakup in which she said she "needed space" yet I found her car at his place.  So, when I saw her leave with him one night after we lived together for 6 months, I went to our home and stayed up all night throwing every one of her possessions in a pile and changed the door locks.  I refused to talk with her the next day as I felt betrayed in a way that I thought would never happen again.  I don't know if this one was me being strong or being irrational.  I guess I had reached a point of intolerance for anything questionable at that point.

-Was triggered a lot by sometimes minor things that invoked jealousy in me.

-I emotionally checked out to a large degree when almost 2 years into the relationship she told me she had cheated on her ex with ten guys.  She was telling me that she was trying to resolve her sexual issues by telling me (she was probably disclosing information because she felt closer and more able to trust me), but, instead of just being an understanding listener, I became disgusted and unable to trust her anymore.  I didn't trust her anymore when she was out of my sight after she told me that.  Was it reasonable or unfair of me?

-believing I was the cause of her behavior that was hurtful to me

-Towards the end, I began intentionally mirroring her hurtful behavior, hoping she would understand how her behavior hurt me (i.e. going out with  other women, telling her I wasn't available to see her after she had spent days "taking space", being distant to her when she decided to stop being distant with me).  It was all done as manipulation on my part, in an attempt to pull her back.

[GreenMango]

It's a two way street.

[really]

Pretty much everything that struggli said.