Need Coping Strategies

[Anon86]

I keep trying to leave and keep getting drawn back into it. I can see the cycle - my mother goes for one tactic to the next as each of them fails. Even the order is predictable - at first she talks calmly but if I start my ground she begins to rave about what a horrible son she's raised, then she gets angry at me and calls me names and breaks my things. The one which always gets me is the appeal to compassion. This usually happens after I follow through and leave. She starts crying and saying that she needs me and won't survive without me.

I'm having serious trouble dealing with that last stage. Cutting contact completely has proven to be difficult since she blows my phone up with calls and texts as well as sending emails. Assuming that some contact will still be present, how can I cope with this manipulation? Would it be better to simply change all of my contact details? The trouble with that is that I need my phone for other things and can't just keep it switched off all the time while a number change is pending - so I need actual coping strategies. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Anon86 and 

I'm sorry things are so difficult with your mother.  BPD is a very confusing disorder that affects those that are the closest :'(  It makes it hard when we have compassion and love for them, but they just can't seem to see or feel anything beyond their own issue at the moment; internal pain directed at us.  Has your mother been diagnosed?  Are you seeing a therapist to help you cope?

You've mentioned that she breaks your things... .  Are you currently living with her?  Just trying to get a better understanding of your situation, Anon86.  We've all been where you are at to some degree and are finding ways to make positive changes in our lives; there is hope!

Here is some information that you may find helpful to get you started:

How to take a time out

COMMUNICATION: Wise Mind - respond, don't react

These are communication skills that will minimize the behavior of someone with BPD and they have proven successful for some of the members here, including myself; the relationship with my mom is what brought me here too  

You have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion and education.  We are here for each other, and we also know how much it helps to write things out...   So please keep posting and let us know how you're doing, okay?

I'm so glad you've found us,

123Phoebe




 

[Anon86]

Thanks for the reply, 123Phoebe, I appreciate it.

My current situation is that I'm supporting my mum and living at home. She has a bad back and is unable to work. I've communicated to her numerous times that I plan to move out and support her at a distance. Every time this issue is brought up she tells me that it's fine and then spends hours (and sometimes days) trying to convince me to stay. Sometimes she seemingly accepts the fact and things go quiet, yet if the issue is brought up again in the subsequent weeks she appears to assume that my mind has changed and that I am staying and the whole thing starts over.

The immediate situation is that I have stood my ground after reiterating my intentions to move and she has demanded that I am out of the house by Saturday. She ripped up a very important piece of documentation in a fit of anger. She took a personal possession and would not give it back. I stood there repeating that it belongs to me until she did give it back.

She is not diagnosed and has a strong distrust of medical professionals so that does not seem to be a likely option. I am not seeing a therapist. I do have some social support in terms of friends. She has previously made a massive fuss about me talking to anybody about anything that goes on inside the house claiming that it breaks her trust.

I've tried taking "time outs" but they do not work. If I leave and go to my own room then she will come in every five minutes shouting at me.

The "Wise Mind" seems to work quite well in comparison but still leaves me feeling burned out. It usually takes a night of sleep and the first few hours at work before I feel the adrenaline settling down again.

I think that I've finally started to see this behaviour for what it is - abuse. I called her out on it last night after the angry stage and she briefly settled down and apologised. In the morning she was saying nasty things again.

[diega]

Thanks for the reply, 123Phoebe, I appreciate it.

My current situation is that I'm supporting my mum and living at home. She has a bad back and is unable to work. I've communicated to her numerous times that I plan to move out and support her at a distance. Every time this issue is brought up she tells me that it's fine and then spends hours (and sometimes days) trying to convince me to stay. Sometimes she seemingly accepts the fact and things go quiet, yet if the issue is brought up again in the subsequent weeks she appears to assume that my mind has changed and that I am staying and the whole thing starts over.

The immediate situation is that I have stood my ground after reiterating my intentions to move and she has demanded that I am out of the house by Saturday. She ripped up a very important piece of documentation in a fit of anger. She took a personal possession and would not give it back. I stood there repeating that it belongs to me until she did give it back.

She is not diagnosed and has a strong distrust of medical professionals so that does not seem to be a likely option. I am not seeing a therapist. I do have some social support in terms of friends. She has previously made a massive fuss about me talking to anybody about anything that goes on inside the house claiming that it breaks her trust.

I've tried taking "time outs" but they do not work. If I leave and go to my own room then she will come in every five minutes shouting at me.

The "Wise Mind" seems to work quite well in comparison but still leaves me feeling burned out. It usually takes a night of sleep and the first few hours at work before I feel the adrenaline settling down again.

I think that I've finally started to see this behaviour for what it is - abuse. I called her out on it last night after the angry stage and she briefly settled down and apologised. In the morning she was saying nasty things again.

that sounds really hard and confusing.   Have you heard of the term "recycling"? Thats what they call it here when the BPD person tries to get you back. It is very confusing and hard to deal with. And its amazing how even when a person knows this , the BPD person can still draw them back in.

What I do, is to tune out the emotion in their voice when they are doing it. I just don'[t pay attention. At first it was hard, because the natural impulse is to listen to our parents especially when there is urgency in their voice. Mine actually just 'drew me in' into having a conflict with  her. I started to say something back and kept telling myself 'stop stop.'  it was so hard... the more i heard her voice, the more I felt that powerless by not responding... so i put my fingers in my ears (she wasn't looking.) and then came to my room and tried to calm down and let it go.

Its hard.  

However, if i could afford to not live with  her I would leave in a heartbeat. You have every right not to live iin a house where you are being abused like that. Ripping up your stuff, and yelling at you is soo wrong. Protecting yourself is the first priority. No matter what you do.stay or leave she will be pulling fits and making issues. that will never stop. In my opinion, not living with her would be best for both of you... no matter how much she yells to the contrary. The other thing I have seen with my mom and other people is that  when they know they can treat you like that, they will. but the more boundaries you put up... .like a child having tantrums... .it can get less.

I don't think we are supposed to say what you should do... but I sure wish you would get the heck out of there and take care of yourself.  Her behavior is all manipulation and is not helping you in anyway. you don't deserve to be treated that way.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Anon86,

Welcome!  Hi! I'm sorry that you're going through this with your mom. I can relate to the feelings of burning out and frustration that you described, as my mother has BPD too.

Wise Mind can be very hard to maintain (it does take a lot of self-composure at times!), but it's a good way to not let conflict escalate. Time outs can give you some much-needed peace, but as you've found, sometimes people with BPD don't respect them. Have you tried setting boundaries with your mother before? You mentioned that you're making plans to move out--how are those coming along?

Many of us have also suffered from abuse. It can take a while to recognize it as abuse when you haven't been physically harmed, but many children of BPD parents have experienced emotional abuse. Take a look at the Survivor's Guide on the right of this page--it's a good "road map" to healing.

Have you considered therapy to help you process what you've been through? I've found it very helpful to work with a counselor who understands BPD and can help me work through the steps outlined in the Survivor's Guide.

[Anon86]

diega:

The impression I get from my experience and the fact that others find it just as difficult is that a period of no communication might be a good idea. It might provide an opportunity for those emotional hooks to disappear, since they are not being constantly reinforced.

You're right that protecting myself is the top priority. I'm working on a way of getting out as soon as possible.

GeekyGirl:

I have considered therapy before but I have other avenues for exploring the unconscious. The result of using one of them is what inspired me to stand my ground this time. The thing that triggered it was being in a very high stress situation and noticing that I felt exactly the same as I do when she becomes abusive - that is, physical shaking, extreme anxiety and stress. It became very clear that there are no excuses for making someone feel this way. If I do not make sufficient progress with these methods then I will give therapy a go.


I fear that a character assassination has begun. She has been trying to call and has been sending emails all morning. I created an email filter to block the emails and switched my phone off. Then she tried calling my workplace. This is unprecedented. Luckily, my workmates are understanding and have blocked her number. A couple of days ago she threatened me and said that 'I will pay for crossing her.'


One other thing I'm having trouble dealing with is the anger I feel when this happens. It becomes extremely difficult to keep a lid on it. I realise that it's not healthy to feel so much negative emotion and that it will cause a crash at some point. I try not to indulge in the angry thoughts and just observe the feelings themselves without interfering with them or trying to change them. This helps somewhat but if you have any tips for how best to handle this, they'd be very useful.

[tog]

Hi Anon86,

Hi!

I don't have a parent with BPD, I'm on this board because my SO has a soon-to-be-ex wife with BPD. When she sends hostile, threatening emails (they are very condescending and insulting, with veiled threats of taking his son away) I start to shake and my heart races-and the emails aren't even sent directly to me! A lot of people in relationships with pwBPD (people with BPD) have PTSD symptoms from the abuse they have endured... .and yes, what you are dealing with is abuse.

A good therapist might be able to help you address those symptoms and learn how to set effective boundaries and then cope with the inevitable fear and guilt you will feel when you do. Giving in to the pwBPD usually escalates the behavior, whereas, setting boundaries and sticking with them through the initial reaction on their part (where it gets worse) usually helps, but it.is.very.hard. Especially after years of the same pattern of interactions.

I give you credit for being here and trying to figure it out.   

[Anon86]

Some updates -

I finally managed to get out of the house and will be paid later today which means that I am essentially free.

This was after much protesting on her part, claims that I will die without her help, a threat to stab me in my sleep and claims that people like me should be beaten.

There was another incident involving the police several days ago where I did not wish her a happy birthday. She asked to borrow my phone since she had no credit on hers while I stood in the doorway of my room. She was looking over my shoulder trying to see where it was to, presumably, try to run in and grab it. I stood my ground and she called the police telling them that I was being threatening. When the police arrived they kicked me out of my house. I immediately went to the police station to complain about this and had a somewhat heated argument with the sergent during which I understood that the reason for their action was to cover their own asses. Something I do not understand considering that I have no history of violence what-so-ever, but that's for another topic. All I will say with regards to them is that the police in the UK are incredibly sexist against men.

My mother refuses to address any points that I bring up claiming that I am a drug addict and cannot think straight. I use cannabis recreationally, barely drink and take harder drugs on the odd occasion. She rationalises her abusive behavior as a reaction to my actions, namely wanting to live in a different house to her.

She has taken to a passive mode of action and a "you're just doing this because your perception is compromised" attitude. I know what I experienced - I know what I lived through with this person and I saw genuine malice in her eyes multiple times. Is this an example of FOG? It feels like I'm fighting for who's version of reality is real.

[diega]

She has taken to a passive mode of action and a "you're just doing this because your perception is compromised" attitude. I know what I experienced - I know what I lived through with this person and I saw genuine malice in her eyes multiple times. Is this an example of FOG? It feels like I'm fighting for who's version of reality is real.[/quote]
congratulations for getting out of the house.  and yes... i have seen the look of 'malice' in my mom's eyes as well.

it is really scary... it is like looking into the eyes of the devil.  anyway... .i'm glad you are separating from all that.

[Anon86]

Thanks, diega.

I've been NC since new year's which has given me some time to think and process my emotions. It feels oddly liberating to put myself first, like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

I'm facing a problem where I occasionally find myself hitting a wall with trusting people. I seem to be looking for red flags constantly, especially when a relationship is forming. When I verify my paranoia, it tends to be unfounded. Is this a common reaction or is there something wrong with me? How long will this continue? Is there anything I can do to resolve the issue quicker?

[diega]

has been lifted off my shoulders.

I'm facing a problem where I occasionally find myself hitting a wall with trusting people. I seem to be looking for red flags constantly, especially when a relationship is forming. When I verify my paranoia, it tends to be unfounded. Is this a common reaction or is there something wrong with me? How long will this continue? Is there anything I can do to resolve the issue quicker?[/quote]
in my opinion it is healthy. I think a person would be nuts if they were not cautious after having to be around that for so long.

it's sort of like a time to reevaluate, learn new skills, get to know yourself etcetc.

I wouldn't say what that you are 'paranoid' when looking for the red flags... .  i would say you are sane. your emotions, mind, nervous system and soul need a break after dealing with the BPD. it doesn't want to go through that again which is very healthy... hence it is on the look out.

once time has gone by, you will learn to trust i am sure but it hasn't even been a year since you have been NC! i have girlfriends who go from one bad relationship to another without noticing any red flags or even looking.  so i think u r smart to hear your feelings.

Its like our feelings were screaming the whole time we were with the BPD and we could not listen to the screams... so now those feelings need time to catch up with the new situation we are in. the screams can't automatically die down... the feelings have some post trauma so it needs time to adjust. let it have time to feel safe again. its been through a lot.

it reminds me of the grief process. one has to go through that and it takes time and is different for everyone and is totally normal.   one can also get 'stuck' in grief too  but it's still such a new thing to be separated from the BPD .

the other reason i think u r on the right track is that you don't accept your 'paranoia'  (really healthy boundary making is what it is). you said you feel it... than you check it out to see if the feeling is true.  a lot of people feel the 'paranoia' and accept it to be true. (BPDs do that)! and you are not. it is being cautious. i would allow yourself to feel the cautiousness.  Anyway... .  i think you are doing great and congratulations for the NC ... and give your nervous system and intution and all that time to reboot... its been through a lot of confusion and trauma after being with the BPD.