Feeling weak... want to re-engage

[flynavy]

... .  Best friends father just died today... .  very good friends with my wife and I who died of Ovarian Cancer 3 1/2 years ago.  Feeling like lookin for that sexual comfort my ex BPD/NPD can give me... .  help!

[Changed4safety]

Please don't.  I turned to my BPD when my father was dying... .  two days before Dad's death (I am 1,000 miles away) he had a meltdown and I had to arrange for him to get money to get his meds because they were "almost late" (they came the next day."  Kept texting FIX IT FIX IT!

Four days after Dad's death he mentioned "if" he would move out (we had planned on it because he had choked me twice), I reminded him he promised to move out in a month, he flipped and began screaming at me "Thanks for kicking me out!" and saying horrible things to me over the phone at 3:00 a.m. 

You are raw and open and soft with pain for your loss.  Please, please don't invite someone with BPD to come in and pour acid onto your wound.

[flynavy]

Thanks changedforsafety!  NC... .  I have this picture of my wife... .  the kind that feels like her eyes follow me where ever I go.  I know she is still with me.  Her looking at me was all it took... .  feels real good this morning!

[LoveNotWar]

Flynavy, glad things look better today! Stay strong... .   

[Validation78]

Good Morning Fly!

Glad you feel better today. I know it's tempting to turn to a familiar place when you are feeling down. However, in the end you probably would feel worse off for doing what you are trying not to do. I don't know about your pwBPD, mine never was any good at offering empathy and comfort anyway. He said all the right things, without real empathy, they are just empty words! Turn to your real friends and family for comfort when you're feeling low, or look for empathy here! Good job for not giving into the urge!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Changed4safety]

You're very welcome, I am working to find the "lesson" in five years of torment, debasement and disillusionment, and one of the gifts is that I can at least try to help others.  Grieve with friends who loved this person you've lost, honor your wife's memory by giving love only to those who can understand and appreciate it. 

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear this, flynavy! 

I agree with others, reach out to those who really can be empathize with you!

How are you today?

[MontyD]

Hi Flynavy,

I have been reading your posts and you and I are almost in exactly the same place.  I'm an "old fella" too.  I think I have a few more years on you as well !

I to lost a loved one and was scooped up by a lovely young lady 18 years my junior.

We were friends for a couple of years and 3 years we became lovers. A wonderful boost to my ego, she was never worried about our age difference, and really, she took 10 years off my age.  Typically, during the honeymoon stage, she did and said anything it took to snare me.  I was in heaven. I never thought I had another chance of happiness, was getting too old ?

Two years ago we moved in together and at first, for about 9 months everything was perfect. We did everything together, and being retired we had plenty of time, money and the toys.

Then it started, the remoteness, I was flat out getting a hug out of her let alone anything more. The whole affection thing had dried up.

In the last 12 months the crazy mood swings started, the splitting, the whole BPD bit. Eventually, last August I got her along to therapy and she was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD.  I was crazy to hold this relationship together, for a thousand reasons, and a lot of those reasons only come up when you get a bit older.

I have gone thru every thing that we have all spoken about here. I think they, pwBPD,  all came out of the same cookie cutter.

Early this year, I spoke to her therapist, and she said that BPD is extremely difficult to treat and in her case, because she is 50, even more so. Thirty years ago, things could have been different.  The therapist's advice to me was "walk away".

This I have done, and by God it is so difficult. To walk away from the one you love.

I'm 65 days now of no contact and only now I'm starting to feel a wee bit better.

If I was 35, I would handle this standing on my head IF I had at 35 the wisdom I have now.

So, Flynavy, there is only one way, go no contact, dust yourself  off and get on with it.

It is a btch to get old and tired. I guess you can work out my age.

Monty

[flynavy]

Monty... .  thanks!... .  It bothers me to read some of the posts from some of the younger victims of this mental illness.  You can still feel teh hold the BPD person still has on them when they speak of was there intimacy/love.  I'm not putting anyone down here because we were all preyed upon my non-emotional predators seeking ONLY to squelch their own childhood pain.  I have experienced true love and intimacy for 32 years... .  so how did I get bamboozled into this ordeal.  It is the nature of the beast (BPD) to exploit the most vulnerable... .  how easy it must have been to trick and manipulate a man who just lost his wife to a 7 year battle with cancer... .  this woman was my wife's nurse for those 7 years so she knew my wife very well.  So anytime you think there is an ounce of decency... .  intimacy... .  love associated with your BPD/NPD SO, just read some of my posts and ask yourself... .  could a decent, loving, caring person capable of love and intimacy lie/manipulate/deceive someone like me after what I just went through?  IMHO these people are not capable of love and intimacy.

[recoil]

Fly,

I'm not sure why I'm typing this -- but it's just a varying opinion from another widower.

Perhaps she saw how you never abandoned your wife - and she wanted someone like that in her life.  But the disorder is what it is.  They want the idea of love.  They want the idea of intimacy.  But to obtain it means you can lose it and then the disorder kicks into high gear.

I don't think I was preyed upon.  I think she really wanted it at one point - and we had it.  But the disorder always wins.

I couldn't save my wife from cancer.  I can't save my ex from her thinking (disorder) either.

I'm moving on... .  

[MontyD]

Hi Flynavy,

this woman was my wife's nurse for those 7 years so she knew my wife very well.

Why am I not surprised !

I just read this the other day,

" individuals with borderline disorder work very well in helping others who seem “worse off” than themselves. The caretaker role seems to be rewarding for them. This might include working in a retirement centre, working with individuals with mental retardation, working in a veterinary clinic, or working in an animal shelter."

It bothers me to read some of the posts from some of the younger victims of this mental illness.

I just hope the younger ones here can get past it. The danger is that they will be so damaged by the experience with a pwBPD, that when someone normal comes along they will be able to let go and put their trust in them.

You will have to let go and go no contact.  I told my ex that it was over but gave her the option of returning only if she continued her therapy and got fixed. An impossible task.

Monty

[MontyD]

Recoil

Exactly right !

My ex with BPD has known me for years and years and knew I could give unconditional love. She lived in my street and new I was always helping out the neighbours.  She knew I was a "giver".

She wanted to be loved, she knew I could give it, but like you said, the disorder eventually got in the way.

Often she said "I just want someone to love me".

We could have had a perfect relationship. If only.

Monty

[flynavy]

MontyD... .  I remember my exBPD/NPD fiance saying to me after I called off the wedding and re-engaged(not in a marriage sense) "Wasn't I always there for you... .  at any hour... .  in an ice storm... .  when you were down, I came running over.  She did like the caretaker role... .  as i recall it was very intense for her to comfort me!  Almost like she got more out of it then I did!

Anyway... .  funeral is over.  I had tough time... .  cemetery is the same as where my wife is buried.  My best friend's father treated my wife and I like family.  Amazing the impact my wife had on anyone she met.  We all met for a nice meal to celebrate my friends father... .  and yet... .  the family saw I was having a hard time... .  brought back memories of my wife's funeral... .  and they were comforting me.  I am truly blessed to have friends like these and consider my self the most fortunate man to have had my wife choose me to be her husband, best friend, lover and father to our children.  Did not think of my exBPD/NPD once... .

[Changed4safety]

That sounds like true, natural grief, and what great hearts these friends have to be there for you even in their own pain.  Sharing pain can be a real comfort.  Just a suggestion, I found it very helpful to attend grief counseling with others who had also lost loved ones.  I think it helped me heal.  Usually the hospice programs offer that.  Even though it has been over three years, I would guess that it is tied in with your exBPD, I know my grief was harder because of my involvement with my now-ex.

Sending you   ! 

[flynavy]

Thanks everyone!... .  OK... .  I'm crying now!... .  feels good!... .  Tears of joy, knowing what I had (my 32 marriage) was beautiful!... .  even though I am new to this site and to the experience of being with a BPD/NPD... .  I feel fortunate again to have found new friends who were there for me when I needed it the last 2 days.  So thank you again!  

If I can land on a carrier deck... .  this should be a piece of cake!

Thank you my new found friends!

[recoil]

I've been doing great all week thinking about myself -- and how I'm looking forward to my future (really excited about a new therapist I just started working with).  I'm truly focusing on me now.  Not what she is doing or thinking anymore.  And I am no longer interested in learning new things about the disorder, because it won't change anything.

Today, for the first time in years, I was able to fit into 34 inch waist jeans.  I have to admit, it feels really good.

What urge do I have?  Tell me ex.  I know she would be so proud (at least the her before the breakup).  Wild.

It'll pass though.  I just wanted to post here because we can be strong one minute and weak the next.  I think it's normal.  But long term, we must focus on our true best interests and our lives will be fuller because of it.

[flynavy]

Changedforsafety... .  my therapist believes I probably didn't grieve properly/enough for my wife before getting involved in a relationship... .  I actually believe if it was a healthy relationship... .  it would have been very good for me.  My wife made me promise 2 weeks before her death that I find someone to continue to share what her and I had as a couple.  I guess there is no cookie cutter recipe for healing from emotional trauma... .  I really do feel good today... .  she will always be with me... .  Love never dies!

[MontyD]

So glad to hear that you are doing so much better today.

Don't slip !

I know I go 2 steps forward, then I trip and go one back !

I'm off to the driving range to hit some balls, 9:45 AM here, Friday !

Monty

[bb12]

I think one of the greatest lesson out of all of this is awareness of self... .  and changing the way we self-sooth. Instead of racing back to the arms of someone who treats us badly, we learn to step back, look at the reasons behind the urge, and then make a more conscious decision about our behaviours.

There is no denying the pull or these feelings and the desire for intimacy with someone whom we connected with very strongly. But we now know that it was all just mirroring and balony. Finding that sense of comfort from ourselves will stand us in good stead for all of life's hurdles

Don't make the call! LOL. Let the urge pass. Sit in the feeling but don

t acto on it. I promise you, it will not be worth it!

BB12

[flynavy]

All... .  just wanted everyone to be clear on the fact that when i said she is always with me and Love never dies that I was referring to my wife... .  

Monty... .  I don't think were too far apart in age... .  I'm with you on the age difference with our exBPD/NPD gfs... .  mine was considerably younger... .  she new how to feed this old (I still feel thirty) Navy Pilots ego!

[MontyD]

The battle grounds here were much worse than Vietnam.

I still feel 30... .  until it it comes time to jump the back fence !

Monty

[flynavy]

Monty... .  at least we knew who the enemy was then... .  never saw this one coming... .  you can teach us old dogs new tricks though! Peace brother!