Getting ready to file. Need some advice on custody.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Undiagnosed BPD wife has verbally agreed to joint custody and agreed to let me move 6yo daughter out of state for family support. I have multiple emails where she describes a desire to save me and DD from her behavior by letting us go and also admitting to probably having BPD, along with PTSD. Previously diagnosed bipolar as a teen but after reading alot I think BPD fits better and she's just only now willing to try and be self aware after 10 yrs untreated - only since I started filling out D papers.

Do I accept joint legal with physical custody out of state or gamble with family court for full?

[zillard]

Undiagnosed BPD wife has verbally agreed to joint custody and agreed to let me move 6yo daughter out of state for family support. I have multiple emails where she describes a desire to save me and DD from her behavior by letting us go and also admitting to probably having BPD, along with PTSD. Previously diagnosed bipolar as a teen but after reading alot I think BPD fits better and she's just only now willing to try and be self aware after 10 yrs untreated - only since I started filling out D papers.

Do I accept joint legal with physical custody out of state or gamble with family court for full?

[Rose1]

If you can get what she offered in writing and lodged with a court, I would say do it. She is likely to change her mind after the "poor me" phase is over and give you a much harder time. IMO the longer a pwBPD has to think about it the worse it gets as they brood and then decide they got a rough deal.

In reality, if you are out of State and your D is in school then it would be up to your exw to make the move closer except for school holidays etc - it's not reasonable for a 6 year old to fly or travel long distances with school etc during the normal year. You may get default custody - where the other parent just absents themselves from your life and gets on with theirs with the exception of occasional visits.

Looking back that is what I ended up with. At first I didn't think it was fair on the kids or good for them but in hindsight it kept them out of the crazy mix and means they are much better adjusted now.

Rose

[zillard]

A little background - married 8yrs. At first it was excellent (highlight of my life) but has steadily declined. Sudden outbursts of rage have always been there but manageable as I'm so laid back and seem to calm her (and know when to walk away - which just makes her more angry but soon fizzles when I don't respond).

Last six months though rages have gotten much more frequent and more intense. Great sex and then instantly splitting me black and locking me outside all night. Doesn't even remember the next day when she lets me in. Naively expecting an apology, I end up waking alone the next day and more since. Sudden unusual lies and evasiveness, emotional affair with coworker, broken promises which "aren't a big deal". And now she's raging more where my DD can overhear and I've gotta get out of here. Seems like she's intentionally sabotaging the relationship and trying to get me to leave.

I'm afraid though that once DD and I leave she's spiral further out of control and won't be able to provide a good environment for visitations in the future.

Don't want to set her off though as most judges side with women and I don't want DD and I to be stuck in this state with her and no other family. Have been documenting but I know how rare it is for a high functioning BPD to admit they have a problem so conflicted on taking the offer of joint with relocation agreement.

[ForeverDad]

Depending on the state, in many cases the legal custody aspects are somewhat separate from the parenting time schedule.  Not totally separate, but somewhat so.

Also, court will probably allow her to change her mind and seek custody or take over parenting, or at least let her try.  (You don't have to tell her that, of course.)  So your task is to do what you can for the best outcome for your children.  Maybe you can word things in the filing so it doesn't trigger her, maybe not, but here's a few points to keep in mind.

Sole custody may be rare in your state without extreme circumstances.  Your lawyer should know about local circumstances.  But there is one way that joint legal could work, if you have 'tie-breaker' status.  That way you ask for her agreement on a major issue but if you two can't agree, then you proceed. 

How is 'joint with tie-breaker' different from Sole Custody?  With sole custody you can proceed without seeking agreement first, you just provide appropriate notification.

How is 'joint with tie-breaker' different from typical joint custody?  With typical joint custody and you two don't agree, you may have to go to a Parenting Coordinator, a mediator or back to court, all lengthy and possibly expensive options.

So you may have to think on your feet and not be caught off guard by surprise twists, pleas and demands.  If she insists on joint legal (many do so they look normal publicly and so they can feel they're still a 'good parent' then do try to reserve for yourself the 'tie-breaker' status.  Yes, theoretically she could still take you to a PC, mediator or court about it, but most likely wouldn't even try.

I agree, decision making authority is crucial if you want to avoid repeated visits and consequent delays either at court or seeking a ruling by the mediator or parenting coordinator (PC).

Many courts are reluctant to award sole custody to a parent, no doubt feeling it may end up enabling the other parent to be locked out.  So it's typical for joint legal custody.  However, if sole custody isn't granted, then try to get tie-breaker.  Actually, there's not much difference from sole custody.  With sole custody you make your decision or action and "notify" at your discretion either before of immediately after.  With joint you have to first seek agreement and then if that fails you as tie breaker go ahead anyway.  So really the only difference is that joint with tie breaker you have to try to seek agreement beforehand, then you proceed anyway.

Also, when one parent lives out of the local area, the court may be inclined to give the remote parent preference on the longer school vacations (winter break and spring break) and larger blocks of time in the summer.

Is one of you declared the Residential Parent for School Purposes?  In my case, my lawyer (and ex's too) told me it didn't matter, it only determined which school the child attended, but it did.  (1) My ex wanted to avoid trial and so that was my stipulation, either I was RP or we'd go back into the courtroom and begin the trial.  Since our child was in the middle of kindergarten in ex's school district, I filed with the school to let him finish out the school year there. Within two months, about 5 weeks before the end of the school year, she flamed out at the school and I was given one day to transfer our child to my district.  That created a history about her that I could refer to later. (2) A year later my ex moved about 20 miles away.  If I wasn't RP then I would have been the "remote" parent.

My case is a little different.  Post divorce I was in equal time Shared Parenting.  The only advantage that either of us had over the other was that I was Residential Parent for School Purposes.  That was my sole condition to allow my ex to avoid The Trial scheduled to begin that day.  Though both our lawyer insisted it didn't mean anything, I held firm for that.  I was living in a house and she was living in an apartment.  If she had moved - which she did, twice so far - then I would have been forced to follow her to new schools - both moves were into different school districts.  Since I was RP, son hasn't had to change schools.

My concern had an unexpected side benefit.  I had filed with her school for our child to remain in her school until the school year ended.  But ex kept causing incidents connected with our parenting schedules and pickups from school and 5 or 6 weeks before the end of the school year school gave me one day to enroll him in my own school.  Her school wouldn't have had that option to get rid of a problem parent if I hadn't insisted on being RP.

When Shared Parenting failed, as the Custody Evaluator wrote might happen, I filed for custody and got it.  Ex was a very possessive parent and so that was 5 years after I filed for divorce and 3 years after the divorce decree.

[Matt]

Do you have a lawyer?  Does she?

If she has a lawyer, the lawyer probably will talk her out of what she has agreed to so far.  A lawyer who is chosen by someone with BPD will probably take her side, not look at what is best for your daughter.  And your wife probably won't tell her lawyer the whole story.

Make sure she understands that if this deal is changed in any way - even a small change from her or her lawyer - you will move forward through court seeking full custody, and you will be required by the process to disclose everything you know which might be relevant.

Research the impact of a parent's BPD on the child, long-term.  There is lots of information out there which shows that a child raised by someone with BPD is at much higher risk for substance abuse, mental illness, etc. - every serious thing you don't want for your daughter is much, much more likely if she is raised by someone with BPD.  Let the other side know that if you go to trial, you will call expert witnesses to testify to this, so the court will understand what is at stake, and you will seek supervised visitation only for your wife, and sole decision-making authority.  You can also ask the court to award you all your legal fees from the other side, because you had agreement which would have saved going to court, and they went back on it.  That means your wife might have to pay both her and your legal costs, which will be large if you go to trial.

If the other side understands all that, and they still back out on what she agreed to - which I think is likely - then you have to be prepared to follow through.  But at least you will have given them the chance to do what she agreed to, and that sounds like a good plan, because you will have so much distance from her.

[zillard]

Do you have a lawyer?  Does she?

I do have a lawyer, but at this point just to review the paperwork before I file as I'd like no contest. She would also like no contest at this point. She is actually pushing for divorce but relying on me to do all the work (I think so she can tell others - and herself - after I leave that she was abandoned in order to gain sympathy.

Plan is for both of us to sit down together tonight and go over the paperwork before I file. So far have verbal agreement on joint legal with me custodial in other state, travel 75% her 25% me, no child support or alimony, house split 50/50, and me being allowed to participate in activities when she has daughter (I would come with her, rather than dropping her off, and stay with friends; probably even baby sit while stbxw is at work). Still debating whether or not to try and get agreement on tiebreaker status. To me makes sense as I'll be more aware of D's needs but may be touchy and backfire.

[zillard]

I'm pretty sure that she doesn't have a lawyer and we plan on filing/signing everything together after we agree on terms (and after I have my lawyer review) and then just letting lawyer sit on it through the 60 day waiting period.

[Matt]

In my state, one party files and the other party responds.

Maybe you could prepare both the filing and the response together, to make sure they agree.  If they don't agree, it will be contested.

[tog]

If you live in another state with physical custody of the children, seems like you have tiebreaker status by default. What is she going to do, drive down to every school meeting and medical appointment to help you make a decision? Not all judges side with mothers, depends on your area (the more progressive areas seem to like joint custody by default) and the judge. They will surely see that she agreed to the initial arrangement, should she drag you into court (which would have to be done in YOUR state after a period of time, I believe) and challenge you making decisions without her.

Frankly, she sounds like she wants to retain enough custody to not feel horrible about herself and be able to hold her head up, but not enough to have to actually parent (ie, get them to school, etc). Seems like if you give her a little bit of co-parenting ("child is having school problems, I'm thinking of X, what do you think?", she won't care if you make all the decisions in the end.

[Matt]

If you live in another state with physical custody of the children, seems like you have tiebreaker status by default. What is she going to do, drive down to every school meeting and medical appointment to help you make a decision? Not all judges side with mothers, depends on your area (the more progressive areas seem to like joint custody by default) and the judge. They will surely see that she agreed to the initial arrangement, should she drag you into court (which would have to be done in YOUR state after a period of time, I believe) and challenge you making decisions without her.

Frankly, she sounds like she wants to retain enough custody to not feel horrible about herself and be able to hold her head up, but not enough to have to actually parent (ie, get them to school, etc). Seems like if you give her a little bit of co-parenting ("child is having school problems, I'm thinking of X, what do you think?", she won't care if you make all the decisions in the end.

Yes, this is what my attorney called "de facto primary custody" - I have 50/50 but kind of like Tog describes it.  You'll have an even more solid situation - there won't be much your ex can do about it and if you aren't confrontational with her - you don't make an issue of it - you will certainly make most of the decisions.

Where it might get tough is around just a few issues that are usually considered joint decisions - major medical decisions, major education decisions, religion, and relocation.  But even with those, you'll be in a strong position.

[tog]

I agree. I think as long as you make some solid effort to co-parent and genuinely ask for her involvement, if it comes to you two completely disagreeing and you make the decision, I'd imagine the court would see it as "someone had to make the decision and father is the one caring for the kids day to day."

I say go with what you have and don't poke the bear. 

[zillard]

Thanks everyone for your input. It truly is helpful.

We went over the papers last night and have come to an agreement. I did have the tiebreaker language in it and explained my reasoning behind it. She saw my point, but was hurt and conflicted about it. She does see that her relationship with D6 has already been affected by her BPD traits. D6 is constantly drawing pictures of her mother or of herself and her mother, and a counselor has explained that she is trying to elicit an emotional response/connection from stbxw that she is not feeling.

I agreed to remove the language and explained that I do not want her signing anything she isn't comfortable with as more resentment will strain our relationship going forward and only hurt D6.

There is a petitioner and respondent in our state, but with acceptance of service (service waiver) form included we can file them all at once - basically file, serve and respond/accept at the same time. Then the 60 day period is nothing more than the papers sitting on a desk somewhere waiting for a stamp.

This breaks my heart, and I can only imagine the abandonment issues my daughter will have. But I can't let things get worse. Another IC session for me on Thursday and one with a child psychologist to discuss best way to tell her.

[Matt]

Move fast to tell your daughter - getting professional advice for that is a good idea, but your daughter will probably figure it out - or your wife will tell her - if you don't tell her soon.

Some of what our marriage counselor told me - might not be the same for you:

* You tell her alone - not both parents together.  Not quite sure why our MC told me that, but she said it in front of my wife, and my wife nodded her head in agreement.

* Emphasize that it's about you and your wife, not about your daughter.  Nothing she did or didn't do caused this.  (Seems obvious but it needs to be said.)

* Tell her you love her and will always be her father.  Don't talk about her mother's feelings - that's for her mom to say.

* Make it clear what will happen now - the practical matters.  Our MC told me that's where the kids' minds would go, and she was right - the questions they asked were stuff like, "Will we still get on the same bus to school?" and "Where will we have Christmas?".  Be prepared for those questions and answer them the best you can - don't ignore them or act like they're not important - but if you don't know, just say, "I don't know yet but we'll figure that out."

* Focus on the "new normal" - establishing a new routine as soon as possible - a routine you can maintain for the long haul (or at least for as long as practical).  End the period of chaos quickly.  Adults can understand and deal with transition, but kids need stability and a sense of security, so provide a stable new situation as soon as you can - within days if possible.

* Listen very carefully - and watch your daughter too - to pick up what is going on with her, and deal with it.  You can't force her to be happy about the split - you have to accept that she will have various emotions about it - but it will help her if you can reinforce her perceptions and feelings, and help her through it, without trying to force her to accept it all before she's ready.

[zillard]

Update:

All divorce papers and custody agreement have been signed and notarized by both parties and I have to sit on them until Valentine's Day when the 60 day waiting period is up. Then I file and get official stamp. No court date as it is a "Consent Decree"... .  streamlined process.

I am primary guardian/custodial parent with the right to relocate with D6. Some holidays specified (alternating) but most "as both parties agree". She gets D6 in the summer minus 2 weeks vacation time with me.

We ended up telling D6 together and it went well, but child psychologist recommended we do it in steps. First news of the D and stbxw moving out. Then we let her process over the holidays. This last weekend we broke news of the out-of-state move - also together.

Right now stbxw is in her own apartment which is a 45 minute drive away and only has D6 from noon on Saturdays until Sunday evening. The visits have gone well. D6 is enjoying her time with her mother but misses her terribly. D6 is now in weekly sessions which are helping. The child therapist actually sat down with stbxw and I for about an hour and strongly suggested that stbxw go into intensive trauma therapy for about 6 months and then follow us out of state and continue treatment but closer to D6.

Not sure it will happen. Stbxw claims to be in therapy (but as far as I know has only attended 2 sessions). I do know she's signed a release form so her IC can discuss things with D6's IC (same office).

Meanwhile I am in IC to cope, become more confident, and have healthy boundaries. I have initiated NC unless D6-related. She continues to test those boundaries with late night text messages and slews of emails alternating between long winded sob stories and short nasty, hateful messages. Doing my best to ignore but have slipped a few times and engaged her, but see it never goes anywhere good.

Meanwhile I am prepping the house for the market and focusing on rebuilding and D6.

[ForeverDad]

Yours is one of the less common cases, where the other parent was not as possessive, blaming and punishing as is typical.  I think in the old days she would have been termed low functioning, but we don't use high/low much these days.  I think it's more because the ones often described here also seem to have NPD traits and the narcissism won't let them see they aren't dictators.  In my case, my ex seemed low functioning - moaning and groaning and sobbing - until she started blaming me and we had to separate.  Then all the claws came out and she morphed to high conflict mode.

Another reason we may not hear about many cases like yours could be that the spouses weren't as desperate to find answers and support?  All we can say is that of those cases coming to our site and especially to this board, the vast majority are high conflict.  That's my disclaimer that our ratios here are not a scientific survey of HC divorces overall.

As sad as this is, count yourself very fortunate that you and your daughter didn't have to suffer a Custody War for a couple years in family court.  It seems likely that D's mother will fade a bit into the background.  That's okay.  On the other hand, she may actually improve over time - some distance apart really can help since it is a disorder most evident in close relationships.  Just be aware that less conflict does NOT mean she's making recovery.  Recovery is demonstrated - and tested - over time.

The reality is that only she can do the recovery, with professional guidance of course.  And it takes literally years to recover, so don't fall for some claimed quick fix of a few visits for a few months.  Time is the real test.  Even for a person in recovery, there will be relapses, but an indication of recovery is that she accepts responsibility, gets back up and gets back on track.

You can't fix her.  Your daughter can't fix her either, so don't let your daughter get the impression she could accomplish that if only she tried harder.  Leave recovery totally in your ex's hands.  While you can support her and encourage her to pursue effective therapy, your focus needs to be on where you can do the most good, on yourself and your daughter.

Although the order states that your daughter is with her mother for most of the summer, be prepared to break her visits into smaller segments.  Depending upon circumstances, it may be that it's your ex who gets the summer "vacations" of a couple weeks at a time.  Get a feel for what works, be flexible especially if it's in your favor but be aware that flexibility can be interpreted by an entitled parent as weak boundaries and invite pushbacks.  However, since there may be less conflict than what we here experience, you may be able to use the order more as a general guide than having to live your lives according to its every word.

We're happy for you... .  and hoping the next few weeks stay peaceful.  Give your daughter a hug from us.

Please come back every now and then and give us an update.  We like to hear success stories.

[Matt]

It may be best if your ex doesn't move.  You can't control that, but I would suggest not saying or doing anything that would make it easier for her to move.

Either way, it will be stressful for your daughter, so I'm glad she has a counselor.  Unfortunately you'll need to find a different counselor for her when you move, so she'll be experiencing a loss there too - forming a bond with her current counselor and then not seeing her anymore.  But at 6, she will recover quickly, if she has good support and a lot of positive things in her life.

Kids' biggest need may be security.  Even good changes can add stress.  Maybe you can figure out how to make the new place seem very safe and permanent - not an unsettled situation, but the "new normal".

[zillard]

Although the order states that your daughter is with her mother for most of the summer, be prepared to break her visits into smaller segments.  Depending upon circumstances, it may be that it's your ex who gets the summer "vacations" of a couple weeks at a time. 

This is a great suggestion and I do think it will work out this way. D's mother does not and has never trusted babysitters/daycare, so her time with D will probably end up revolving around her PTO accrual. Unless she changes and begins trusting others, which I can not expect.

I do telecommute. I have discussed with a good friend about staying at his house and working from sometimes while D is with her mother. That way I can be close and available to "babysit" if needed during the summer. But I do fear that this would enable her trust issues.

Get a feel for what works, be flexible especially if it's in your favor but be aware that flexibility can be interpreted by an entitled parent as weak boundaries and invite pushbacks.

This is true and I've seen it already. Stbxw asked if she could celebrate New Years Eve at my house with D (and stay the night). I refused. I then told her that if she wanted to celebrate with D6, then I would take D to her apartment and she could bring D back in the morning. She agreed.

She then found out that rather than sit home alone I made plans and went out New Years Eve. I got a long string of angry texts questioning my motives for letting her have D for NYE. I wondered why she would be angry and complaining about getting extra time with her daughter and realized that wasn't it at all. She more likely wanted to celebrate as a family, was hurt that I did not want to spend the holiday with her, and felt betrayed that I had fun without her.

So on New Years Day I cooked a big feast for D an me to enjoy for dinner, but stbxw did not return D until minutes before bedtime. I assume it was to punish me and take advantage of my willingness to be flexible. I reminded her of the clause in our papers that state the parent must make the other aware ASAP if they can not keep to the schedule and informed her that there will be specific p/u and d/o times agreed upon weekly from now on. No more vague "morning" or "afternoon" agreements if those kind can not be kept.

We're happy for you... .  and hoping the next few weeks stay peaceful.  Give your daughter a hug from us.

Please come back every now and then and give us an update.  We like to hear success stories.

Thank you for the support. I will be back. This site is a wealth of helpful information and good people!

[zillard]

Ok I have a question.

I see a possible situation popping up.

Went to my daughter's awards assembly today and soon to be ex showed up. She came and sat with me.

X - "I was talking with my IC and we don't think you and D6 should move right away."

me - "Oh yeah? Why?"

X - "Because if I'm here working on myself (getting help) and you two leave, then I'll be stuck. [My IC] and [D6's IC] were talking about it and agree."

me - "You're not stuck anywhere. What do you mean?"

X - "Nevermind. I'll try to formulate it in an email for you"

Now this smells to me like the beginning of a recycle attempt. Her reason given, that she'll be stuck, does not focus on our daughter so I'm assuming it has something to do with me.

Both my counselor and my daughter's have told me that moving away is a good idea. But daughter's counselor said it would be good for D6 to finish up as much of the school year as possible.

But I'm worried that this could turn into a court battle if she starts feeling strongly that we shouldn't move.

I have the final decree and custody agreement signed and notarized. The custody agreement was also signed and filed with the initial petition. I can't file final decree until the waiting period is up on Valentine's Day.

If she decides to go back on it and challenge it... .  what situation will I be in? Can I try to have her pay my legal fees? Can she say she was in a bad mental state so the agreement isn't valid? I do have multiple emails from her questioning her own abilities as a mother and saying she needs to push us away so she doesn't damage us psychologically. How beneficial would those be for me?

Or should I just take this all to a lawyer preemptively?

Thank you.

[livednlearned]

My divorce is high-conflict, and my advice is definitely influenced by two years of hell.

If I were in your position, I would be firm with her that the divorce is final. The marriage is done. You are filing the papers.

But selling the house and moving, that is different. You don't need to be so firm. Would you be willing to give her a soft answer that might lessen her possessiveness as she begins to process the reality of you moving away? Meaning, explain that the house may not sell. D6 is happy in her school. Your stbx is in therapy and should continue. D6 has a good bond with her T. Focus on the positives about where you are now.

I find the moral fine line is razor thin when trying to do what's best for my child so you I can stay financially, legally, emotionally, and psychologically afloat in my BPD divorce.

Others here may be able to answer your questions about the legal fees with more knowledge. Guessing though, that she can change her mind at any point, and you are on the hook for all of it. And if you end up with a high-conflict divorce, the emails you have from her, admitting she is not a fit mother, those just go into the pot along with everything else that helps your case in family law court. Potential psych evals, custody evals, witnesses, mediation, depositions, whatever needs to happen in order for you to get majority custody.

[Matt]

No more vague "morning" or "afternoon" agreements if those kind can not be kept.

The way this works for us is:

* I do the pickups and drop-offs.

* I e-mail their mom, "I will pick up the kids at noon Sunday 1/20 and bring them back at noon Sunday 1/27."

* I copy the kids on that e-mail.

* Then I do what I said.

If she replies with an objection, I work that out with her, and then send another e-mail capturing what we agreed:  "As we discussed today, I will pick up the kids at 10:00 a.m. Sunday 1/20 and drop them off at noon Sunday 1/27."

[Matt]

About the timing of the move, maybe it would be best to lay low - stall - til Valentine's Day, so the divorce will be final.

Then do whatever you think is best.

Don't take the bait - "My IC and D6's IC say... .  ".  If either of them want to give you their opinion, they can call you and give you their opinion.  Probably best to just listen politely but not agree or disagree, til the divorce is final.

Regarding legal fees, if she actually does try to road-block something she has already agreed to in writing, I think you can say to her - through your lawyer - "Both parents have already agreed to the custody settlement.  If your client goes back on that agreement, we will ask the court to award my client legal fees and any other costs incurred as the result of your client's decision.  We will also show the court that it is not in D6's interest for this case to be continued and more costs incurred.  Please advise your client accordingly."  Make it clear that her choice to renege on her agreement will cost her dearly.

[livednlearned]

Or should I just take this all to a lawyer preemptively?

My ex has very strong narcissistic traits, and lately, paranoia, so I never experienced the kind of behavior you describe (your stbx offering to save you and D6 from her bad behavior). Like ForeverDad mentioned, you may be a rare case among a statistically skewed percentage of high-conflict divorces, and things might be different for you.

In general, though, lawyers and family courts seems to trigger BPD sufferers in ways that make things escalate fast. Not saying that you shouldn't do it, just to put it out there -- when lawyers start sending letters, you are officially in the arena. Even for me as a non, some of the documents I received made my pulse shoot through the roof. Just standard documents, normal language can feel very threatening.

[Matt]

Or should I just take this all to a lawyer preemptively?

My ex has very strong narcissistic traits, and lately, paranoia, so I never experienced the kind of behavior you describe (your stbx offering to save you and D6 from her bad behavior). Like ForeverDad mentioned, you may be a rare case among a statistically skewed percentage of high-conflict divorces, and things might be different for you.

In general, though, lawyers and family courts seems to trigger BPD sufferers in ways that make things escalate fast. Not saying that you shouldn't do it, just to put it out there -- when lawyers start sending letters, you are officially in the arena. Even for me as a non, some of the documents I received made my pulse shoot through the roof. Just standard documents, normal language can feel very threatening.

But you can consult a lawyer - not retain one - just ask questions.  So the other party doesn't get any letters or anything yet.

[ForeverDad]

But I'm worried that this could turn into a court battle if she starts feeling strongly that we shouldn't move.

I have the final decree and custody agreement signed and notarized. The custody agreement was also signed and filed with the initial petition. I can't file final decree until the waiting period is up on Valentine's Day.

I agree with Matt, do try to lay low, not make any declarations - nor any promises - until the divorce is final and even a bit beyond.  If you can, put off plans (or voicing plans aloud) to leave anytime soon.  In fact, I'd suggest you wait a while.  If you bluntly tell her you're leaving the very next day, she may rightly rush to court and try to have it undone.  Try to wait a while, let the final decree and parenting schedule have some time to "age" properly.  Then if she tries to rush to court to undo it, you can take the legal stance that it has been working for a while and so why change what works, especially since the agreement does mention the possibility or even expectation of a move.

And it might be a good idea to let D finish out the school year, though of course good intentions don't always happen.  In my case, I became the Residential Parent after my HC divorce.  It was a real custody struggle, still is years later.  Our son was supposed to continue attending her school for another 3 months until his kindergarten school year ended.  Predictably, the conflict continued and ex caused enough scenes at son's school that school contacted me and gave me ONE day to enroll him in my school about 5-6 weeks before the end of the school year.  I had the intention to make the transition from her to me gentle but almost predictably that failed.  However, your ex may be less possessive, entitled and conflictual and so it may go more smoothly with you.

It is so very easy for her to get triggered or have "buyer's remorse" and try to withdraw/contest her agreement and quite possibly a judge would allow her to do it.  We even have a member here whose husband just a few months ago reached a settlement with his ex, it was made an order by the court and her husband thought it was a done deal.  Sorry, no it wasn't.  Ex filed to change it within weeks.  The court reopened the entire case, effectively setting the ordered settlement on hold if not setting it aside.  Family courts often do bend over backwards to accommodate a parent's need to change his or her mind.  Final is not final.

If she decides to go back on it and challenge it... .  what situation will I be in?  Can I try to have her pay my legal fees?

It is often difficult to get a judge to order one parent to pay the other parent's legal expenses, likely it would have to have been a repeated or continuing problem or one parent would have to be near penniless and the other well financed.  Judges are very reluctant to let a parent feel he or she 'won' and the other feel she or he 'lost'.

Can she say she was in a bad mental state so the agreement isn't valid?  I do have multiple emails from her questioning her own abilities as a mother and saying she needs to push us away so she doesn't damage us psychologically. How beneficial would those be for me?

That documentation may or may not help.  I had some really vicious recordings but it made less difference in court than I thought it would.  Judges often let the parents withdraw claims or admissions and try a different stance.  She can always say, "he took me out of context" or "that wasn't what I meant" or "I was in a slump then but not now" and the court may be more than willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Or should I just take this all to a lawyer preemptively?

As was suggested, do seek a few confidential legal consultations with local family law attorneys.  They are often inexpensive or sometimes free for a half hour or hour.  Find out what things might convince a judge to side (or not) with you and the agreement.  Look for subtle strategies to make the agreement less likely to be contested sucessfully.

Though LnL is right that you need to separate yourself from your soon-to-be ex, you probably shouldn't do it abruptly and ruffle her feathers unnecessarily during this delicate period.  While you can't count on the low level of conflict to continue indefinitely, you can try to keep things low key if at all possible.  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  In other words, a short delay in your plans will save you time and money lost in court struggles.  As Mary Poppins sang for the kids, "a little bit of sugar helps the medicine go down".  No, you shouldn't be initimate with her - can't risk another child or an allegation of uninvited DV - but you can seem to leave open the possiblity of some future contact - but undefined and very vague.  This is a sensitive period now, a little bit of bending the NC (No Contact) rules here might be beneficial until you're on firmer ground.  IMO

[zillard]

Thanks guys.

I did play it cool with postponing the move. Turned out that I would need to repay 1st time homebuyer credit to govt if I close before May, so that was a good reason without just succumbing to her wishes.

As Valentines Day approached (waiting period end) I saw a steep influx of texts, emails, etc. Alternating between "f-you" messages and "I wish you didn't make me feel like ship all the time. I'm trying so hard, you don't even know". Guilt hooks and anger.

She asked me to reconsider moving in general. Told me she would find a day shift job so she could be around daughter more. But only if I would firmly commit to staying in state. I told her to prove it by X date and I'd consider it but meanwhile I'm listing the house in early March.

On Vday, which was also my Bday, she sent one text message:

I filed the final decree. Have not spoken to her about it. She has not asked. Still waiting on the approved copy to arrive by mail.