How Long Have You Been NO CONTACT/ESTRANGED?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

The 3rd anniversary of my No Contact with my younger sister was Dec 1st.  I have to say it's getting easier and I have more peace in my life because of it.  My sister is still telling her children it's my fault that we don't celebrate Christmas with them, but strangely I'm okay.  I don't obsess over the drama she causes anymore.  How is everyone else doing?

[twister]

The 3rd anniversary of my No Contact with my younger sister was Dec 1st.  I have to say it's getting easier and I have more peace in my life because of it.  My sister is still telling her children it's my fault that we don't celebrate Christmas with them, but strangely I'm okay.  I don't obsess over the drama she causes anymore.  How is everyone else doing?

[poodlemom]

3 years last month :-)

[Cheshire]

14 months.

[Vincent]

5 years and 9 months

[BlueCat]

In October I passed my 2 year anniversary of walking away from my mother. I'm not technically NC but I think of myself that way. I no longer talk to her in any way - email, phone, in person - but I still go to family parties so I am in the same room with her a half dozen times a year. I spent the parties avoiding her.


My sister I only walked away from this July. Unfortunately, we are legally bound for the time being (too long to get into) so I do have to communicate with her by email every now and then so not really NC with her either (and the same family parties). But no more social contact. And I'm strong enough not to reply to the hateful email she sent me.

[Rubies]

I usually go 2 years at a time with my parents.  This has been going on for 30 years.   10 years  at a time with my sisters.  My biggest fear for years was my mom and both sisters showing up at the same family reunion.

It happened, it was quite an embarrassing display. I bolted at the first words and hid until it was over.

[Invisigirl]

8 months, 1 week, and 1 day. But who's counting? ;p

I feel like I've aged 8 years in that time. Maybe I have--I'm 37 and it's just been the last year or so that I don't get carded anymore!

[broccoli girl]

5 months +.  I'm with you Invisigirl.  I feel like I've aged so much and learned so much in the last 5 months.  But it's been painful and not pretty.  Mourning sucks.

[tryintogetby]

Nine years. It's my anniversary, and I came back here for a bit to contemplate the journey.  

[hwc9]

5 months.

So difficult and so freeing at the same time.  I know BPDm has boiled the whole thing down to me being upset at ridiculous things and in her mind she has never been the one to "cause" anything or be part of the crazy.  Let me tell you, she is the mayor of Crazytown!

Hugs to all  

[Askria]

One year, minus a few weeks. =) The birth of my dd was my reason - I won't have them do to her what they did to me.

[hwc9]

Fransisca-

I know what you mean.  Things would still be difficult, but we would just be stagnating under that whole cloud of toxicity.  It's hard now, but a different kind of hard--a "new normal" as I like to say.

Good luck in your journey.

[onesmartcookie39]

LC for a year. NC for two weeks now. Starting to feel less depressed. I was pretty surprised I felt depressed about it. I thought I would feel free. But I know that feeling will come.

[knorkatje]

LC with my mother for 3 years, No contact since september 6. but dreaming of her every night.

[poodlemom]

Knortkage,

Hang in there. I went through the dream phase too. It gets better with time. Your mind is processing things while you sleep.

Hugs

Poodle

[abmedium]

Almost 2 years with both my BPD mother and suspected BPD brother.  My life is definitely more peaceful and I agree with another poster on this thread that I've finally given myself the space from NC to develop psychologically that part of myself that was being kept as a child.  The part that needed approval and unconditional loving.  Don't get me wrong, I would love more than anything to have a biological mother in my live who loves me.  But that's never going to happen.  It was a slow death for the last two years coming to acceptance of that.  I don't cry anymore, I don't obsess as much.  I still think about it at least once a day, but it doesn't impact my emotional spectrum as much as it used to.

I think the thing that surprised me most was my brother taking her side and going no contact with me.  I had thought we were closer for some reason, and perhaps I was the naive one.

But now my husband and son get all of me, and I can be present with them and really appreciate this time in our lives when the days go by so fast.  I get to be the curator of our family and be the person who fills our home with warmth and love.  It was the best gift I could have ever given myself as an adult child of a BPD parent (and sibling).

[knorkatje]

Poodlemom,

Thank you!

[SeaCliff]

4 years, 3 months of the infamous "Silent Treatment / No Contact" with my ex "High Conflict Personality" wife even though I was loyal and faithful to her for 20 years.

[southernsis]

Almost 5 months with uBPDsis. Has been peaceful, but also lots of grief and mourning of sister and relationship that is not to be. Also, working on boundaries with enFOO members who "want this no talking nonsense to end."

[Orange]

16 months and it's been glorious. I don't want to rule out the possibility of having a LC relationship with my uBPDm one day, but every big Holiday when she desperately reaches out, making it feel like it's life or death, I'm reminded that it's going to be a long time.

[tiredmommy2]

Around 3 or 4 years NC with the toxic FOO, and 16 months or so NC with PD mother... .Aside from occasional pokes at me, life is really so much more peaceful without them in it. Wish I would have done this sooner! 

[charred]

I have had two PD folks in my life, my exBPDgf... the recent one, we have been apart about 6 months now, with no normal contact, she posted some crap on her FB pages, and I somewhat responded and then was insulting/quiet and that died down a bit.

The long one is my dad. He is NPD, and a total bhit. He did his best to cause my wife to have a miscarriage back 10 yrs ago, and when it became obvious that was his intent I ceased having anything to do with him. My sister continued to talk to him for a few more years (for my grandmothers sake)... then he manipulated people to believe my grandmother had no chance of recovering from a stroke and had her evaluated for hospice care (while heavily medicated... told doctors one story/hospice folks another)... and I went to state officials to get the hospice to start feeding her again and they were too late. (Dad had medical power of attorney.)... Anyway after that happened, he didn't tell us where/when or that she had died, so last time I saw my dad was at my grandmothers funeral... that he caused. None of us have had anything to do with him since then. Was smiling at us looking over his dead mother... .any positive feelings I ever had for him were dead at that moment.

Had found out in the time between when I had quit speaking to him and when we all did, why he had wanted to cause the miscarriage... .me having a kid would be making him a grandfather, and he didn't want that, as in his mind that would make him less desirable to gals he wanted to bed.

My conclusion from all this... the PD people I have had in my life have helped me experience some hell on earth. So I would call that estranged not NC, with my dad. Mostly NC with my exBPDgf.

[doubleAries]

22 years.

Obviously, I think I'll continue on 

[parent of bpd daughter]

My mother is BPD and my oldest daughter is too.

I went NC for 30 years - yes 30 years - with my mother. Visited her

3 years ago as part of my ongoing therapy - and NOTHING HAD CHANGED.

She was the same wicked sadistic monster she always was. The house I grew

up in - was eerily UNCHANGED! It was like a trip to the Twilight Zone. After

30 years - I stayed 2 hours! It was a necessary part of my therapy. I will never

contact her again.

With my 32yo daughter - I went 2 years after my husband died. Now starting

again with very very limited contact.

This disease not only affects the people with it - but destroys everyone else

in the vicinity.

No contact is the only way to have any quality of life at all. Sad but True

[doubleAries]

parent of BPD daughter, isn't that weird? In 22 years NC with my mom, she also hasn't changed! It really IS like the twilight zone! My brother forwarded me an email my mom sent him--a really long diatribe she wrote about one of our other brothers and his family--and it was like I was transported back in time. 

[JustDucky]

DH and I are five and a half years NC with uBPDMIL.   We live far away which makes it easier, I guess.  I don't think we'll ever have a relationship with her.  I think she enjoys the sympathy/attention from the estrangement more than she does a relationship with us.  Which is sad.  She has two grandkids that she apparently has no interest in being grandmother to.

[parent of bpd daughter]

Yes- exactly they don't change because change is very uncomfortable for them. After 30 years, when I visited as part of my own therapy - the bed in my room had the same linens I remembered! The same everything - very meticulously kept - but UNCHANGED - so eerie. And they say the same things too - over and over and over the same stories like a broken record. My mother cannot even acknowledge that I have been to college and I have a PhD! Nor can she acknowledge that I was in the Air Force for 10 years or that I have children or a job. It's like she is stuck in my childhood - it is just so bizarre - why was she never diagnosed with SOMETHING! I am angry at this - why does no one in the entire family hold her accountable? My BPD sister said she gave her a gun "for protection" and she calls up family members randomly threatening to kill them! And No One does anything! If I reported this - the entire family would come after me.

Anyway - yes my mother too enjoys the pity party she gets surrounding the estrangement. Poor her with this ungrateful, crazy, drug addicted (I smoked pot once in high school), daughter. She is the biggest martyr on the planet. She has dozens of grandchildren, yet my BPD sister says I am a "piece of work" leaving my elderly parent alone. Thank God I live on the other side of the country.

What a frickin' Jerry Springer show I came from. Had to be some in-breeding somewhere along the way to get this much crazy. How on earth did I ever survive with my sanity?

[poodlemom]

Parent of BPD Daughter,

It is truly mind boggling how the one sane member of any BPD enmeshed family is seen like the crazy one isn't it? I'm the crazy in my family. NOT! Lol!

Hugs

Poodle

[Faith2012]

9 peaceful months!

[CrazyNoMore]

14-1/2 years.

Both parents are now deceased (happened during NC) and I have no relationship with any of my former FOO.  The dysfunction and illness was so ingrained (uBPDM was the reigning matriarch mob boss) that I couldn't have separate relationships with family members. In essence, I went "off the grid" and created a whole new life for myself.

There's a minor lingering sadness that will always be there in my mind, but I wouldn't change my decision.

To those of you who are relatively new at this, I offer my hugs and support.  Nobody makes this decision lightly.  We've tried everything. We do this because nothing else has worked. We got tired of living in pain and fear and misery.  Our survival instincts finally kicked in, and thank God they did.  As my DH put it, if you kick a dog enough, even the most docile, beaten-down creature will finally either bite you or find a way to get the hell away from you.