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Author Topic: Emotional roller coaster after the breakup  (Read 7375 times)
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« Reply #30 on: December 07, 2012, 07:27:04 PM »

Fake it tell you make it isn't a bad way to go. Keep pushing yourself to do positive things for your future and the pain will be over quicker and your life will be at a better "starting" position. Self love is healing and forces you to redirect your actions back to who matters. You! Yes it hurts. It is no fun. You have shown amazing strength. You will make it through this.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Mary Oliver:  Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift

DepressIsolatedMeg
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« Reply #31 on: December 08, 2012, 01:48:36 PM »

Day 7.

I just got done seeing my therapist today. I've crying ever since I woke up, and I was crying on the drive to see my therapist, I was crying during the whole session. I don't understand why, I wasn't thinking about much. I know so well that I already accept the reality and there is no going back, and I didn't do anything wrong. I know next time I will find a nice person who treats me right. I know I will be able to love again, I know my future is going to be so bright and I'm going to be able to achieve many things without him.

My therapist diagnosis me with depression disorder, since she couldn't prescribe medication for me, she referred me to a doctor, and told me that I need to contact the doctor and be on medication for depression.

I'm looking forward to be on medication.
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« Reply #32 on: December 08, 2012, 06:57:23 PM »

Meg... .medication was the difference between me making it through the worst times... .or not.  Simple.  Find a good doctor you trust, google what they prescribe you so you know the facts... .and see how it works. 

I see such strength in your posts, meds may just be the mechanism that carries you through the worst.  Ask questions here, I think you'll be suprised about how many members have followed the same path Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #33 on: December 08, 2012, 08:13:35 PM »

Meg... .medication was the difference between me making it through the worst times... .or not.  Simple.  Find a good doctor you trust, google what they prescribe you so you know the facts... .and see how it works. 

I see such strength in your posts, meds may just be the mechanism that carries you through the worst.  Ask questions here, I think you'll be suprised about how many members have followed the same path Smiling (click to insert in post)

Hi Newton, I didn't want to be on medication but it seems like it's the only thing would help me besides alcohol. I understand how alcohol is an depressant. but any ways.


I actually acted more normal when I'm in the influence of alcohol, which is not good, my family is worried about me. But when I drink that is the only time I could remain rational. I don't know why. I feel the despair need to let him know that I'm alright, even thought he's not around, I think it's sth about being young... .irrational. I just can't wait till someday I could look back and think I was stupid on this day.

Anyway.
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« Reply #34 on: December 09, 2012, 06:37:22 PM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0

Your Emotional Hurt Can Seriously Alter Your Brain Chemistry

Completely understandable. It is a difficult time. Take a look at this thread. It is important information. You'll get through this. You are strong and it will get better.
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« Reply #35 on: December 09, 2012, 09:14:49 PM »

Day 8

I bought the online program "Step to heal" by Amelie Chance. It's a combination of life couching video and workbook. It helped me to get through the night last night. I spent most of my day today reading the material. It helps a lot.

My dog became very cuddly with me, she used to be only cuddly with him. Perhaps even she knows I'm having a hard time. Yesterday she "cried" with me when I was breaking down. She was upset too.

I couldn't do anything at all. I hate to breakup before X'mas. There was a movie we wanted to see together for so long, but it comes out on X'mas eve. That time X'mas just seemed so far away, I could never imagined we will be no longer together in the X'mas reason.

It sucks so much. I feel the knot in my chest, I feel difficult to breathe. I keep mourning for the lost of "dream", and although my mind is firm that there is no going back. I know someday I would meet someone nice who is able to treat me well, but for now it's hurting so much. The pain seems too much to bear, I just want to cry until there is no more tears left.

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« Reply #36 on: December 10, 2012, 02:53:35 AM »

Oh Meg, feeling for you!   I know how overwhelming the pain can be.

Are you still managing to treat yourself kindly? Eating well - even if you have to make a real effort to do so? Long hot baths?

Let us know.

Love Blazing Star
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« Reply #37 on: December 11, 2012, 03:20:16 AM »

DAY 9

Didn't wake up crying today. But still feel really empty. The emptiness is killing me. I almost cried on the drive to school, and I held it in.

And then when I was in class, I started to look at my injured finger... .the more I looked and touched it, the more it seems to be a bone fracture. It's been over a week now, but the swollen hasn't gone down, and I couldn't bend fully, when I tried to bend it hurts. I even have some teachers to look at them to confirm my thought, they all told me it's a bone fracture and I need to go see a doctor.


I got so angry at him all of the sudden. So I started writing emails to his parents to demand medical expense. Before I heard from his parents, he emailed me - the first time ever since we broke up. He simply wrote " you did it to yourself, I'm not paying for it, don't pull me in." What? He shut the door when my hand was on it! He didn't even look back and just ran away, and 2 days later he demanded me to give him a massage when my hand was so swollen! What the FFFF? I was so angry. But I don't know why I told him - I love you. He replies, "I love you too. I just hate how you handled getting the stuff. If you ever want to be back in my life, stop the madness" ( the way I handled getting the stuff: meaning I took the bed, the dog, and just showed up to the apartment without scheduling a time with him? not sure. Stop the madness: emailed him many hateful emails when I was really drunk last Saturday)

I forgot I was doing NC. Big failure. I explained to him that was because I don't want him sleep in the bed with other women, and I don't want anyone else to be our(my)dog's new 'mommy' (she's our baby), I said it hurts too much so I acted that way. He didn't reply after that. I didn't know I felt so relieved after I told him that. At the same time I was scared of the feel of relieving - does it mean deep down I still want him? Really, someone who abused me like that, and refused to pay for my medical expense, and the repairing fee for breaking my car. And I still want to be back with him? Really? Something must be wrong with me.

His parents contacted me and said they talked to him, and said he will drop off the cable & my paintings to the apartment office when he signs off the paper to remove my name. They didn't say when he will do it.

I started reading many other posts on here, and did research on what is "abuse"? I had a very loose idea about what it is, I guess I was lying to myself for too long (I remember I already considered myself in an abusive relationship with him the first month after we moved in together.)

Anyway. It's been only 9 days, there is already someone who shows interested in me. Somehow I have this fear - I fear to meet someone who is a BPD again. Having that thought makes me want to stay single forever. Can't seem to trust anyone in a while.


I'm also a little scared that this is not it. Bc he mentioned "if you want to be back in my life"... .Ugh.
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« Reply #38 on: December 11, 2012, 03:58:08 AM »

Meg I wish I could "show" you where I was when I joined bpdfamily.com.  These chaotic times will pass, with time.  The internal conflict you are having right now is perfectly normal and part of the grieving process.  You have been through an emotional wringer in this relationship... .try not to be so hard on yourself.

If there is a chance your things will be dropped off at a third party... .take it.  The last time you met him you were injured... .emotionally and physically... .

These awful feelings will pass, with time.  You will be ok.

ps, be cautious of the new "interest" in you... .its time to look after yourself and recover from this trauma... .not necessarily the best time to give your energy to a potential love interest.  If he is serious about you he will still be around when you feel stronger and more balanced. 
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« Reply #39 on: December 11, 2012, 06:26:37 AM »

Meg... .   I'm right there with you right now going through this same pain... .  the same insane interactions that completely change the history of events... .  I thought I was beginning to be stronger but my one step forward led to 50 steps backwards yesterday (or so it felt).  The pain and tears were so ridiculous at work that I just had to leave yesterday. 

I just don't understand why I still love someone who has hurt me so badly this much and still want him back so badly.

I may need to look up that dvd you mentioned about healing. 

I just wanted you to know you aren't alone - I hope you have a stronger, better day today... .   
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« Reply #40 on: December 11, 2012, 06:46:20 PM »

Meg... .   I'm right there with you right now going through this same pain... .  the same insane interactions that completely change the history of events... .  I thought I was beginning to be stronger but my one step forward led to 50 steps backwards yesterday (or so it felt).  The pain and tears were so ridiculous at work that I just had to leave yesterday. 

I just don't understand why I still love someone who has hurt me so badly this much and still want him back so badly.

I may need to look up that dvd you mentioned about healing. 

I just wanted you to know you aren't alone - I hope you have a stronger, better day today... .   

Hi Take2,

I'm glad to know someone is also going through the same pain.

This sucks so much. I don't want to look back but the emptiness and depression kept haunting me.

How long have you been out from the relationship with your ex?


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« Reply #41 on: December 11, 2012, 06:51:45 PM »

Hi Newton, thank you for your kind words again. I also know time will help to ease this feeling.

It's has been so many years since I've been single... .I always jumped into a new relationship very fast right after one ended. I didn't have the courage to deal with the pain on my own, and because of that I always met wrong guys and ended up hurting again. so now I'm here again, all by myself. But this time I decided to take time to learn to deal with this, I can't always rely on someone to comfort me... .I need to learn to be strong.

It's so close to graduation, school has crazy work load. I was glad that I got out otherwise I wouldn't have time at all for school work.


Meg I wish I could "show" you where I was when I joined bpdfamily.com.  These chaotic times will pass, with time.  The internal conflict you are having right now is perfectly normal and part of the grieving process.  You have been through an emotional wringer in this relationship... .try not to be so hard on yourself.

If there is a chance your things will be dropped off at a third party... .take it.  The last time you met him you were injured... .emotionally and physically... .

These awful feelings will pass, with time.  You will be ok.

ps, be cautious of the new "interest" in you... .its time to look after yourself and recover from this trauma... .not necessarily the best time to give your energy to a potential love interest.  If he is serious about you he will still be around when you feel stronger and more balanced. 

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« Reply #42 on: December 11, 2012, 07:00:14 PM »

Day 10

Woke up crying again. Felt very depress. Can't seem to focus in school at all. I was telling a good friend from school how I was feeling depress and couldn't do anything for school, she patted me on my shoulder, and kindly said "you'll be alright." As soon as she said it, I started tearing in front of her and another peer. I told her how I hate myself being so weak, and I don't understand why I cried again. After that we changed the subject, and I was able to hold my tears in. We were talking about random stuff and joking around, I felt alright after that.

After school we went to a print shop, a lady who I met last week from the conference works there. The lady showed us around and I learned more about the printing business, and she also said she can hook us up with her connection for the magazine we are making (my friend started a magazine company, and I'm helping her on the design.) Everything seemed good, and I felt productive.

On the drive home I got lost, and stuck in traffic. All of the sudden I had this breakdown and started crying in the car. I called my mom and told her I don't understand why I cried again, I was feeling so depress. I told her I want to be on anti-depression medication as my therapist told me (my family didn't want me to be on medication). She said okay.

So now I'm here again, feeling depress and extremely empty. I'm leaving back to my home state tomorrow, I'm hoping that is going to make me feel better after seeing my old friends there. I can't wait.
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« Reply #43 on: December 11, 2012, 09:12:05 PM »

DepressedIsolatedMeg... .you asked how long I have been out of my relationship?

Honestly I can't even answer it.  A week?  He is and has always been SO vague with exactly where his head is at for the past 3 YEARS that we have been together on and off - although according to his rewritten history, it's been 100% of the time that's he been here with me and faithful (lies).

Two weeks ago?  My dad (who is elderly) wound up in the ER (I took him) extremely ill.

Like dying.  The ex?  who was an ex reached out and swooped in to be the super hero and being as vulnerable as I was and am - welcomed him (as always) with open arms.  He was AMAZING.  And then exactly one week ago today - I spoke up in a meeting at work (we work together) and once again he decided that I throw myself at every man in the office and cannot be trusted (insanity that has been going on for 2 years now).

So he again dumped me as my dad was released from a week stay in the hospital only to go home on "hospice" - which means he now will just die of infection without any more hospital interferance.  It's beyond the most difficult painful time in my life.

My mom died 11 years ago.  My sister is very far away (1500 miles). 

I NEED him here for me now.

We see each other daily.

It's so unbelievably cruel and painful that he went on AGAIN with some girl he met online because of delusions in his head - that I SHOULD be disgusted enough to move away (emotionally) from him... .but I am SO overwhelmed with depression from my dad's circumstances that I can't actually function at all.

had to leave work early yesterday.

Worked all day today but am considering staying home tomorrow.

How are you?  I hope you are ok.

Antidepressants DO work (generally) and will help you.  I hope.

Right now?  mine isn't really doing the job.  I called my doctor today to ask for a higher dose or different medication.  I NEED to function.

I am here for you and truly hope you are ok.

Feel free to message me any time... .

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« Reply #44 on: December 12, 2012, 01:10:52 PM »

Is anyone else here having these flashes of "I can't understand why they left me / I can't believe that they left me" thoughts?

Every day this crosses my mind at some point.  I mean, I believe it... .SHE'S GONE... .but it just just seems unbelievable to me.  I really loved her.  I mean REAL LOVE.  And she did such a good job convincing me that she loved me too which is why I struggle to believe that she was so eager to depart.  I mean, if two people really work to resolve their problems, odds are they can (see the High Conflict Couple).  But I guess one of the learnings is that you can only work through problems if you try to remove as much of the emotion as possible so you can have calm discussions that focus on resolution vs. the emotions of anger, sadness, and pain.  You can't get that with a BPD partner I guess.

But still... .I can't believe she's gone in many ways.  It's been 3 months and it ended terribly, but I figured I would have heard something by now.  I guess that's not going to happen.  The sad part is that in the last fight we had, I made up an immature lie in an attempt to stop her from walking out the door, and it really bothers me that she believed that lie.  I guess I'll just have to accept it... .but boy do I MISS HER.  I MISS HER SOO MUCH.

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« Reply #45 on: December 12, 2012, 03:25:39 PM »

Is anyone else here having these flashes of "I can't understand why they left me / I can't believe that they left me" thoughts?

Every day this crosses my mind at some point.  I mean, I believe it... .SHE'S GONE... .but it just just seems unbelievable to me.  I really loved her.  I mean REAL LOVE.  And she did such a good job convincing me that she loved me too which is why I struggle to believe that she was so eager to depart.  I mean, if two people really work to resolve their problems, odds are they can (see the High Conflict Couple).  But I guess one of the learnings is that you can only work through problems if you try to remove as much of the emotion as possible so you can have calm discussions that focus on resolution vs. the emotions of anger, sadness, and pain.  You can't get that with a BPD partner I guess.

But still... .I can't believe she's gone in many ways.  It's been 3 months and it ended terribly, but I figured I would have heard something by now.  I guess that's not going to happen.  The sad part is that in the last fight we had, I made up an immature lie in an attempt to stop her from walking out the door, and it really bothers me that she believed that lie.  I guess I'll just have to accept it... .but boy do I MISS HER.  I MISS HER SOO MUCH.

Absolutely. I assume we are all human on here - so it's bound to happen.

Often it pops up out of Left Field - something stupid or mundane will remind me of her.

But one thing is for sure - as I was signing the Divorce Decree this morning- I was NOT in a reminiscing mode.

One other thing that has helped is the Telling the Truth Out Loud - be it to a T that I pay to listen or if I clue in my friends with 5 or 10 minute sound bites, the effect is the same.

Hearing her INSANITY SPOKEN OUT LOUD - does wonders for ME - provided I am being 100% honest and doing a Dragnet style 'Just the Facts' listing - no Character Assassination or Judgment Calls - the FACTS are plenty enough in Black & White to have me sighing with relief in a huge way... .every time.

'Cause I dunno bout y'all - but I can ping pong stuff in my head until it makes zero sense or I get majorly pissed or saddened - but listing that PLEASE READ out loud for someone else in a plain fashion = real relief.

Of course, a T would be best - as I prefer to keep my friends!
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« Reply #46 on: December 12, 2012, 03:33:12 PM »

JP,

Brotha to tell you the truth, I dont think that. Now that I can look back at this thing with a clearer head. She and I both should have run from each other in opposite directions as fast as we could. That thing was MESSED UP! Now, the other breakups I believed that it was alllll my fault. I do take responsibility for my part in this, but I can see now how sick the games we were playing were and how sick it had made me by the end. Soo, no, If a friend's guy was acting like I was at the end I woulda told her to bail. If a friend's broad was acting like she did the whole damn time, I would have screamed, "RUN AWAY! HURRY! DONT PACK! GO GO GO!"

As far as you believing that she is "gone," you may be counting your chickens a bit too early. MAybe she's never gonna pop back into your life, but I wouldnt bet on it. It sounds like you want her to. Now Im not gonna preach the whole, ":)ont ever talk to her again or youre doomed" thing, but it sounds like you're still really caught up in some shame and doubt and pain. If there is a future where this person is back in your life and her patterns that have led you to believe that she exhibits borderline behavior are still present (lets face it, they probably will be) I dont think that you are really in a position right now where you could handle it.

If you want that future, you NEED her to be gone until you have fully processed all the junk that went on and you have detached enough to be objective and not let your emotions cloud your reasons. As per usual, Im saying this to myself as well. However I dont think there is a place in my life for mine to inhabit any more. My therapist told me just yesterday, "Give it a couple of years, get yourself back, find a healthy relationship and then think about it. I would bet that once you remember what that is like, the thought of letting that dangerous person back in your life, in any role, will not seem as appealing."

Take this time- and I mean TAKE IT, IT's YOURS- to get yourself back. She's not doing this to you. I miss her too. I dont miss the pain. I dont miss the uncertainty. I dont miss the games. Own this time. Wipe her fingerprints off of it. What is it you want from having her back? What is it you REALLY want- not the fantasy of what you want. Based on what you usually get and what you will probably receive, what is it that you are really looking to get? I dont doubt that you love her. But you and I and many of us need to remember when we think that we miss them and want them to be around in whatever context, what it is that we're really looking for and whether its love that is driving us, or need.

I know for me, it's validation. Outside validation that I dont give myself- that Im good enough, worthy of love, a good friend or even a good person. Thats pretty messed up! Whats more messed up is that not only would I try and look for that in anyone but myself, but that I would go to someone who has shown the ability, will and while maybe not completely conscious, the intent to tear me apart from any weakness she can perceive or is given.

What is it for you?

So again, no. I dont wonder why shes gone. I know why shes gone. Have I been shown that there are some weaknesses in me that I didnt completely recognize before? Yes. Will I feel shame that they were carved out of me and shoved in my face as the reason for all wrongs in our ... .whatever it was? Hell no.

Quite frankly, with the alternative being another recycle with me ending up deeper into her rabbit hole, her finally leaving permanently when I was apparently too weak to do it for myself, was the kindest decision she made and the most mature and responsible decision either of us made since we decided to get together. I mean that with no bitterness attached to it. My only overtone here is that of self-preservation.

Give yourself a hug, bro. Go outside. It's beautiful without her.

Oh, and RDTX, No kidding right? The shocked look on my T's face when I laugh about some of the mindful, sharp cruelty that I took for granted as normal, snaps me back into perspective pretty damn quick. Her normal response is, "There's just no way. There is just no way she doesnt know what she's doing. She's too smart, too good at it not to." I still laugh a little and shake my head. No bitterness. Just a roll of the eyes and a long, "JEEEEEEEEEEEZ. no kidding." Smiling (click to insert in post)
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DepressIsolatedMeg
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« Reply #47 on: December 20, 2012, 06:14:00 AM »

day 18

It's been a few days since I came to the board to update my progress.

The last few days I was traveling back home, reunited with old friends, but, it wasn't too fun for me. I anticipated to go back so much when I was with him, and I did now, only turned out to be, not as fun as I thought.

Got to meet with one of his best friends, and was told about his past, how he lied and hurt many people in his life. But his friend told me, "He did love you. He said you were the girl for him. He never said this about any girls he was with before." His friend told me he had always dated women who were a lot older than him, that was why she was so surprised when he brought me to her, because I am so young, I was the youngest girl he had ever dated. His friend told me, "I knew you were the different one, so I thought he would change for you." His friend also suspected that he has BPD ( he has not been diagnose professionally, but he had 6 traits out of the 7.)

I got to learn about myself a lot more during this trip as well. I realized I was not a "good person" as I thought I always was. I was really depress not only from this breakup after the trip, I was also depress about knowing the truth about who I really am. I have hurt so many people without knowing it myself all these years. How my father does not like me because I have always been a selfish person.

All of the sudden everything he told me seem to be true. Maybe he was telling me the truth the whole time, somehow I didn't understand. Many things he said to me, they started turning out to be right.

I have not gone a day without crying and missing him. I miss him terribly, even after knowing his past and what he had done, and what he had done to me. He was such a bad person for me, my life will be a lot better without him, but I miss him terribly. So I wrote him a very long letter(email), to explain him my love for him, why our relationship didn't work out. Because our breakup was so heartbreaking and ugly, I wanted to leave on a good mutual term at least. He replied to me, " Thank you."  I thought I felt relieved.

After the trip, I made a very foolish decision. I have decided to seduce him into a sexual relationship - tried to convince him to be my booty call. Not smart, I know. As a young woman, I didn't respect myself and my body. When I was sending him all those messages, I was crying on the other end. I lost myself, that wasn't me, but somehow I thought I can use this to keep him in my life, and maybe if I only think about the pleasure that sex could bring, I could forget other stress he will bring into a relationship, but we will still be connected, in a weird strange way. He doubted it was someone else who wrote those messages to him at first, and later he doubted if I did that to trick him into something, in the end, he agreed to meet. I went over to his place - our old home, to meet him. Not smart. And then he told me he couldn't do it, he started to cry, he asked me why I was doing that, it wasn't like me at all, it wasn't who he fell in love with. He rejected me, he said he love me and respect me too much and he wouldn't allow me to do that to myself. I kept pushing at the beginning, until he cried to me and said "If I let you do this, I wouldn't want you to leave me anymore, please... .listen to me at least once. You know this is not right." I knew that I need to stop hurting him, he was having a very bad breakdown, he was a man and he was crying like a little child. We both were.

We were both crying the whole time. He was shaking, and wouldn't stop crying, and I was the same. In the end, he told me I should leave, I agreed. Before I left, he gave me his diamond earrings - he doesn't have a lot, that was the most expensive thing he owned, he gave it to me. We were both crying so much, and we both knew there is no going back.

When he asked about our dog, I said she's doing okay. He started crying even more, he said that's his baby, that's his baby, that's his family, and he lost her, and he lost me. I lost him too, I did many horrible things to him as well. We both did many horrible things to each other, the person we loved. We were holding each other, we cried aloud and said " This is not suppose to be like this!" The reality is, we both have a lot of problems. He's not the only one that has problems. I had a lot of problems too - my own mother told me that just a couple days ago, how she realized it wasn't only his problems why the relationship didn't work, I had many many personality problems as well, and if I don't work on myself, any men would leave me because of my personality.  

After that, we texted each other for another day, simply saying " I love you" to each other (not smart, gave him my new number - I called him first so now he has it). Today, he stopped texting. I think I should stop too. I need to let him move on. It's weird we had been broken up for more than 2 weeks now, somehow I still think I'm with him. I'm feeling so hopeless, I'm such a hopeless person, I know this is not right but I keep screwing things over.

I keep having thoughts that maybe years later, when I'm able to become a better person myself, save up money to move to a different state, and he is able to become a better person himself as well, stable and save up money too... .If that's the case, I will run away with him and abandon everything I have here. I'm so stupid. It's been only 2 weeks, but I'm thinking about what will happen in years.


Right now I'm hurting so badly. I had fun with a good friend going out yesterday, she bought me gifts to cheer me up, she was a very good friend and caring. After I went home, I chatted with my mother for a long time, not about him, but other stuff. Now it's 6 in the morning, I'm depress and crying again, but I'm not going to let anyone know that I'm still crying - because it's already been a while, everyone thinks I should be able to move on and stay strong. Now I'm at a spot that is same as many of you who had messaged me, and mentioned - how we can't express emotion to friends and family anymore, because they were worn out after a while. This is where I am at now. I'm pretending to be okay and better each day, but when I'm alone and in the dark, I'm so depress and I just cry, I feel so helpless and lonely. I need him to be here to hold me now, and tell me everything is going to be okay.

So I'm here again, I didn't make any progress at all. It's still hurting me every day. I still can't believe that we broke up.  I knew that he did love me and he will always do, for some reasons I'm so greedy, it was not enough, I still want that dream, that dream of building a family with him, but i know that's merely a dream because we both have a lot of problems, we will need to work on them before thinking about the future, and who knows what will happen tomorrow. I kind of wish dooms day will come, so I could escape from this pain forever. The pain is so real, and I could feel it up on my chest, I feel suffocated, and the psychical pain, feels like I'm having a mild heart attack.

I want to tell him how much I miss him everyday and love him. But it's getting old, I need to leave him alone, for his sake, and for my own sake.

What I could say right now about my feeling for him - "I'm hopelessly in love with him." What does it mean? "It means that you are completely devoted to the person you love. Even if they're a bad person, and you know they're a bad person, you still love them." I knew about his past, I knew about his lies in the very beginning of our relationship, but I still love him, how else could I explain why I'm feeling this way? I want him so badly in my life, I want him to be the one. I'm just like a kid crying for candy, I just want it, I know if I have it I will get a stomach ache and suffer in pain, but I still want it. I want him. I'm crying again.


Sorry this post is going all over the place.




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« Reply #48 on: December 20, 2012, 12:37:09 PM »

Meg, we have all been there. Otherwise the recycles wouldn't be so prevalent throughout posts. It's pretty telling that you both cried when you saw each other. You are both in pain. That aint good. It certainly isn't a good place to begin a new relationship, and lets face it, if you were going to pursue a relationship, it would have to be new or obviously, it would just be the old relationship. I tried this so many times. Unfortunately, from my experience, once a dynamic is set in a relationship, it is very hard to break.

You say that you are not a "good person". I wouldn't be so sure. We all have things we can change about ourselves. Plus you are in a very transformative part of your life. Youre supposed to be figuring out the person you want to be right now. Don't focus on the past and the things that you have done wrong. Think about this person that you want to be and be excited that you are on your way! I will refrain from telling you how happy you should be about how it sounds like your design career is starting. Magazine layout exercises so many skills that cross so many platforms. Many students dont get an opportunity like that. Be proud of yourself.

Now, back to the relationship stuff. These interactions hurt you. That is obvious. These interactions hurt you. That is obvious. Thank God you didnt do that booty call thing. I wanted it too. You know that you were going to sacrifice more of your core just to get any piece of what you want back. I have been there. There was nothing more damaging to my inner self than all the pieces of me I gave up to make it work no matter what. Eventually you would have nothing left. That is not good boundaries. If something with this individual were ever to work those would have to be iron-clad. In fact in future relationships they need to be too. You know this. That is not a criticism and you shouldnt be bummed about it. It is another thing that you are on your way to and should be excited.

Another mistake I have made: you cannot make these changes to get him back. They have to be in the effort to be who you want to be. Just like any addict, if you do it for someone else, the changes will not last as you dont get the results that you want. Read back over your post. Are the things that you are saying sound like love, or do they sound like addiction? I dont doubt that you love him, but really think about where your wants are derived from. You are young. I know how hard these relationships are. I know how hard young love is. I promise, be the person you want to be professionally and personally. Do only that. Let him do what he needs to do without your concern. This is a very important time for you and if there is any time to be selfish it is now. Ill say it again and again and again. Be excited for where you can go (brings up memories of Dr. Suess Smiling (click to insert in post))

and think about whether more interaction with this man helps or hinders it in the long run. I just dont mean being with him, but managing the relationship that will have to be managed.

Be excited Be excited Be excited. You are on your way and you know it! the voice is quiet behind your pain, but you can force yourself to say it. Say it over and over and over. You are not lying to yourself, you are telling yourself the truth. You will eventually believe it.

Much love,

BO
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« Reply #49 on: December 20, 2012, 05:01:31 PM »

Meg, we have all been there. Otherwise the recycles wouldn't be so prevalent throughout posts. It's pretty telling that you both cried when you saw each other. You are both in pain. That aint good. It certainly isn't a good place to begin a new relationship, and lets face it, if you were going to pursue a relationship, it would have to be new or obviously, it would just be the old relationship. I tried this so many times. Unfortunately, from my experience, once a dynamic is set in a relationship, it is very hard to break.

You say that you are not a "good person". I wouldn't be so sure. We all have things we can change about ourselves. Plus you are in a very transformative part of your life. Youre supposed to be figuring out the person you want to be right now. Don't focus on the past and the things that you have done wrong. Think about this person that you want to be and be excited that you are on your way! I will refrain from telling you how happy you should be about how it sounds like your design career is starting. Magazine layout exercises so many skills that cross so many platforms. Many students dont get an opportunity like that. Be proud of yourself.

Now, back to the relationship stuff. These interactions hurt you. That is obvious. These interactions hurt you. That is obvious. Thank God you didnt do that booty call thing. I wanted it too. You know that you were going to sacrifice more of your core just to get any piece of what you want back. I have been there. There was nothing more damaging to my inner self than all the pieces of me I gave up to make it work no matter what. Eventually you would have nothing left. That is not good boundaries. If something with this individual were ever to work those would have to be iron-clad. In fact in future relationships they need to be too. You know this. That is not a criticism and you shouldnt be bummed about it. It is another thing that you are on your way to and should be excited.

Another mistake I have made: you cannot make these changes to get him back. They have to be in the effort to be who you want to be. Just like any addict, if you do it for someone else, the changes will not last as you dont get the results that you want. Read back over your post. Are the things that you are saying sound like love, or do they sound like addiction? I dont doubt that you love him, but really think about where your wants are derived from. You are young. I know how hard these relationships are. I know how hard young love is. I promise, be the person you want to be professionally and personally. Do only that. Let him do what he needs to do without your concern. This is a very important time for you and if there is any time to be selfish it is now. Ill say it again and again and again. Be excited for where you can go (brings up memories of Dr. Suess Smiling (click to insert in post))

and think about whether more interaction with this man helps or hinders it in the long run. I just dont mean being with him, but managing the relationship that will have to be managed.

Be excited Be excited Be excited. You are on your way and you know it! the voice is quiet behind your pain, but you can force yourself to say it. Say it over and over and over. You are not lying to yourself, you are telling yourself the truth. You will eventually believe it.

Much love,

BO

Hi BO,

I'm glad that I was not the only one who tempted to execute the booty call thing.

Breakup during the holiday is extremely hard. On the day I left, I was not aware that Christmas is so so near.

Christmas this year is on a Tuesday, it is going to be on his day off. My best friend is traveling oversea, so I pretty much have no friends to hang out with (other friends are spending the day with their family). You will say "why not spending time with your family?" Yes, that's right. My family doesn't really celebrate for holidays... .I know they would like to do something with me on that day.

Thinking I'm going to need to spend a Christmas without him is extremely hard. I'm so tempted to ask him to spend that day together. He has no family here... .I just hate breaking up right before Christmas, I wasn't thinking about it at all!

I managed to go out to do things with friends in the meanwhile (before she goes on traveling) I have a very good friend who ended a 5 years relationship earlier this year, after the breakup, she has been the one who is always down to do things with me, and keep me accompany. Knowing that she's going to be gone for a week really put me under high stress (she's going to travel in oversea too, that means it's going to be difficult to get a hold of her)

You were right... .is it LOVE or it's an addiction? I think for me it's both. After many ugly truth has been reveal to me, I still cannot stop thinking that, what if one day we have both changed? Are things going to be different? Although I have ready many posts in this board, some people here reconnected with their BPD loved ones after decades, and it was still the same, or even worse... .I'm scared that I will become one of them... .

It's been 19 days now since the breakup... .I still cry everyday. When I hung out with friends, I could put him behind my head and forgot about him for a little bit, but when I'm alone again, I just feel so overwhelmed by my emotions. I'm so scared to be alone... .

The things I miss being with him are always the littlest things... .getting a butter finger and shared it together while watching our favorite TV shows. Reporting daily routine to each other, "what do you want for dinner?" "what do you want to do tonight?" I remember him asking me what I wanted for Christmas this year, and I told him "but I have no money to get you anything." he said, "you don't need to get me any thing. Just be nice to me, that's all I wanted."

Today I texted him, I said, I will stop texting him from now on because I knew that I'm crossing the boundaries again. He told me not to contact him, but I still do (he still will reply, not to every message. But he will text me and tell me he loves me too) I told him I'm going to have faith in him that he will always love me back, even I don't hear it everyday.

Breakup before Christmas is the worst choice ever. Everyone out there is so joyful and picking gifts for their loved ones, but I'm just so sad all the time.

As I write, I'm waiting for my friend to be done with her errands. I tried to work on my projects for school at home, but I was alone and I sunk back into those dark thoughts. So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to go study together at starbucks.

Yes, it's the best time for me to start my design career... .I have tons of work to do. I can't imagine being with him, fighting everyday, taking care of the house, and still need to be able to finish my school work... .but when I'm able to do all the things I couldn't do when I was with him, I found out I didn't enjoy doing them at all, they were not as fun as I thought... .I just couldn't really enjoy doing anything. I don't know if I'm going to be happy after I get what I want in my career path... the uncertainty certainly kills me slowly day by day.

Friends told me to delete his number... .I did, but I remember it in my head. I wish I could just forget... .I even asked him to change his email and phone number... .that way I will not be able to get a hold of him, even I want to.


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« Reply #50 on: December 20, 2012, 05:14:00 PM »

Dont worry. 18 days aint nothing, and the lack of interest in stuff you thought you liked (design) is a normal response to grief and withdrawl. Don't sweat it. Remember to tell yourself that you are ok, that you were ok without him before and that there is no reason that you wont be ok without him now. Tell yourself whatever truths you have to. Just keep telling yourself. I will type this a thousand times till you believe me. Keep telling yourself. Self-affirmation, while seeming silly is a good way to remind yourself these things when you dont have someone else to remind you. Be your own best friend. You will feel a bevy of things. Accept them and allow yourself to feel them, but when you feel them taking control remember that you can get addicted to those feelings of sorrow and helplessness too. So tell your body what is and what you are going to do.

Remember that you are very early in your process and dont feel trapped or helpless. I have been on and off these boards for quite a while nowand I have seen so many people move past this. You will too. You have too much going for you to let someone else dictate your future. You are the only one who should or can do that!

I have nothing but faith in you Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #51 on: December 21, 2012, 07:05:26 AM »

Be easy on yourself Meg  . Breakups are hard, I remember when I hit my "Wow I didn't cry today" day, and then "I have only cried 5 days this week", and then "Only twice" and so on. It just takes time lovely. Please create a safe and comforting space for yourself to grieve.

Are you seeing a therapist to help you deal with the pain, and then look into the things you would like to change about yourself for your next relationship?

Love Blazing Star
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DepressIsolatedMeg
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« Reply #52 on: December 22, 2012, 06:33:29 PM »

Be easy on yourself Meg  . Breakups are hard, I remember when I hit my "Wow I didn't cry today" day, and then "I have only cried 5 days this week", and then "Only twice" and so on. It just takes time lovely. Please create a safe and comforting space for yourself to grieve.

Are you seeing a therapist to help you deal with the pain, and then look into the things you would like to change about yourself for your next relationship?

Love Blazing Star

Hi Blazing Star... .

I just wonder when is this ever to end? I remember the last time I was single for 3 months before my ex started talking to me again (the relationship before this one. We broke up for 3 months and got back together, dated for another year and a half.)... .in that 3 months, I constantly tried to find things to do, I had no interest in anyone. The day my ex contacted me again, it was like the happiest day in my life... .when it really ended, I didn't regret that I chose to be back with him... .I guess that was because I got the second chance to do all the things we said we are going to do before the first breakup.

Now, it's X'mas. I remember we are talking about getting a little X'mas tree and decorate it at home. And that movie we have been wanting to watch 6 months ago, it finally came out, but we are no longer together. Things like this keep haunting me... .the lost dreams.


Somehow in the back of my head, this is not over, I'm still with him. It's odd, the relationship ended, I'm not with him anymore! But somehow I still feel like I'm with him... .Not being able to see him, hear his voice, and touch him is killing me. I miss having that little family and home with him. I don't even think about there will be a "next relationship"... .I'm crying again. I feel like if there is no family holding me back right now, I will definitely go back to him and "try" again... .

I pray to God every day that, God will help him to overcome his problems and my problems, maybe someday, someday in life, we can continue our relationship again... .



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« Reply #53 on: December 22, 2012, 06:36:11 PM »

Dont worry. 18 days aint nothing, and the lack of interest in stuff you thought you liked (design) is a normal response to grief and withdrawl. Don't sweat it. Remember to tell yourself that you are ok, that you were ok without him before and that there is no reason that you wont be ok without him now. Tell yourself whatever truths you have to. Just keep telling yourself. I will type this a thousand times till you believe me. Keep telling yourself. Self-affirmation, while seeming silly is a good way to remind yourself these things when you dont have someone else to remind you. Be your own best friend. You will feel a bevy of things. Accept them and allow yourself to feel them, but when you feel them taking control remember that you can get addicted to those feelings of sorrow and helplessness too. So tell your body what is and what you are going to do.

Remember that you are very early in your process and dont feel trapped or helpless. I have been on and off these boards for quite a while nowand I have seen so many people move past this. You will too. You have too much going for you to let someone else dictate your future. You are the only one who should or can do that!

I have nothing but faith in you Smiling (click to insert in post)

It had been 9 years since I was single, in 2004 I was single for a year, but there was someone that I really liked (so it felt like I was with someone). And in 2009, that was the last time I was single... .it lasted 3 months before the ex started talking to me again, and we dated for another year and a half before I met him... .

I keep jumping from a relationship to another relationship. I just don't know how to be single anymore. I know that I need to learn to be by myself, because eventually everyone will leave and there will be only me... .
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« Reply #54 on: December 22, 2012, 06:43:35 PM »

DAY 20

I went out with some good friends last night, it was my first time out without him in over a year. It was really fun, I went home at 3AM. But on the way home, I cried again because I missed him. All my friends had a date but me. I didn't want one. Seeing how intimate they were, reminded me the time I was out with him, I wished he was there with me.

I slept all day today, and did not do anything. I was watching a TV show, it made me depress because there were "wives" and "husbands" in the show. I remember that night he was crying and telling me, all he wanted is have me to be his family... .why did it turn out this way? All I wanted was to have that family with him too. But reality is, we are both very dysfunctional people, we fought all the time when we were together. I remember he once was telling me how he was scared that when I would be angry and what would make me angry... .I felt the same way towards him... .

We texted each other once a day, just to say "I love you"... .it always needs to have distance to see how much we love each other, when we were together, we didn't see it, we doubted each other if the other person was not loving enough.

I had done so many things in the past week that I was unable to do with him, they were fun, but at the same time, they are not that fun. I'd rather being with him, and not doing any of those things, because right now this is hurting me so bad.

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« Reply #55 on: December 22, 2012, 07:02:48 PM »

Meg... .I feel for you... .Christmas is almost upon us... .it's a very significant time of year for those who celebrate it and we will feel pain and loss for those who we wish were with us... .I appreciate why you are having a hard time of things... .I am dwelling on someone I wish was here with me... .it's painful   :'(

Going out with friends must be very difficult for you... .and it's also the best thing you could be doing right now  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

There is a great phrase I read here when I first joined bpdfamily.com and was trying to push through some hard days... .

... ."Fake it til you make it"... .

I interpret that to mean getting on with the day to day... .still sharing your pain and heartache with people who you trust and can understand... .but MAKING yourself go through the motions of exercising, eating well, seeing friends etc... .even if you feel absolutely crappo on the inside... .acting opposite to your feelings will drag you through... .It's hard, but it works... .things will improve  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #56 on: December 23, 2012, 01:27:53 AM »

Meg... .I feel for you... .Christmas is almost upon us... .it's a very significant time of year for those who celebrate it and we will feel pain and loss for those who we wish were with us... .I appreciate why you are having a hard time of things... .I am dwelling on someone I wish was here with me... .it's painful   :'(

Going out with friends must be very difficult for you... .and it's also the best thing you could be doing right now  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

There is a great phrase I read here when I first joined bpdfamily.com and was trying to push through some hard days... .

... ."Fake it til you make it"... .

I interpret that to mean getting on with the day to day... .still sharing your pain and heartache with people who you trust and can understand... .but MAKING yourself go through the motions of exercising, eating well, seeing friends etc... .even if you feel absolutely crappo on the inside... .acting opposite to your feelings will drag you through... .It's hard, but it works... .things will improve  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

This is so hard. I kept flashing back the day I left. When he was screaming at me and demanded the apology, or else he's taking me back to my mom. I remember how heart broken I was, and what on earth that made me say "yes, take me back to my mom." Because I didn't want to continue, apologize for everything I did or did not do. Now this pain is so overwhelming, I miss him, I miss having that little family with him.

I'm actually going to see him tomorrow, he said he want to see our dog one last time. He loves our dog, she's like our baby. He cried so much when he mentioned our dog last time, he said that's his family, and he lost his family. I'm so heart broken, and scared how he is going to react tomorrow. Because in the past couple days, he stopped replying my text messages. I know it's normal, bc we can't keep having contact like this, I'm just scared how distance he will act toward me tomorrow when I see him. This might sound silly, but my horoscope for tomorrow tells me that someone is going to reveal his/her feelings to me in an obvious way, and it tells me it's okay to show how disappointed I am in front of this person. I'm really scared, I know some day he will date someone else, I just don't know how to face to that now. Having that thought is driving me insane... .I have no interest in anyone, not to mention to build a family with someone else. I felt like that part of me has died, and I could never feel the same for anyone anymore. It pretty much destroyed me to hope for someday I will be married and have a family. I don't want it now. I guess he's right, I am really going to be alone for the rest of my life.
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« Reply #57 on: December 23, 2012, 01:42:03 AM »

Day 20 - pt2

I keep having thoughts that my goal now is to save up money, and someday I could run away with him... .if there's no family to hold me back right now, I would have returned to him a long time ago.

It feels so weird to call him as my "ex boyfriend", it feels so weird to realize that I am single again and he is single as well. I want this to work so bad, I want to be with him, it doesn't matter we don't have a lot in common, when we were good, we had fun, I love him, and he loves me too. All I wanted from him is happiness, and that was all. I don't need a huge diamond ring, fancy car, or a huge house. All I wanted was to have a little home, where we don't need to worry about how to get money to pay bills. I don't need to go on nice vacation every year, I don't need to have designer brands - that was what he thinks I wanted, he couldn't provide those to me that was why I was unhappy the whole time. It wasn't like that at all, he got that all wrong and he didn't believe in me.

I felt like I lost my purpose in life. I have no motivations to do anything. Do it for myself? I don't know how to do things for myself to make myself happy. I'm just an unhappy person in nature, I guess. I always need to please someone to exchange happiness. I miss him, this is an addiction... .and it sucks. I don't know who I am anymore. As the days pass by, the more I wanted him... .Why did we always need distance to see what's more important to us? Now I think back, everything I wanted to do when I was with him, I could do those things now, but I am not happy still, I want him. I'm like a kid crying for candy again, I don't care, I just want him, I don't want anyone or anything else. Career? Whatever, I don't want it, I want him, I can be a stay home mom, I was so happy to take care of him, I was so happy to organize the house and cook him meals, he always appreciated my cooking. I'm like a spoiled brat, I don't care I move everything out and caused a scene,  I want him back in my life, I want him to be a part of my life... .

I couldn't move forward -- no, I don't want to move forward.
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« Reply #58 on: December 23, 2012, 06:14:53 PM »

Day 21

Went to see him today. He was mad because I was late again. I was always late.

Starting today I will go no contact with him completely. That's what he wants me to do as well. He said he hope i will learn how to love myself and figure out what I want in life. And, we could never be together again bc what we did to each other, and that caused my family to hate him. He doesn't want me to be in the middle to choose him or my parents. He told me to leave him alone because my texts distracted him so much and interfere his work. He was right, I only think about how I feel, without thinking he's hurting too. And I was the one who had no faith in him and left. He was right. He knew me so well, and he cried again. Before I left, he held me tightly and he was crying. I didn't cry, I felt numb, I just wanted to leave there. Before I left, I told him "I will do those things, if I love you."  I turned around and didn't look back.

I felt like the part of me has completely died today. From now on, the minute I walked away, I decided to really put into actions, try to be a happier person and live my life. I feel like I have lost the one true love I have had. But I keep telling myself, I need to be strong, this is my life, I was okay to live without him before I met him, so now I could still do the same. I keep telling myself that I'm a strong person, I will be happy and have a bright future without depending on anyone.

Two days before Xmas, I felt like our relationship officially ended today. From now on I'm by myself, and I will love myself this time, genuinely.
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« Reply #59 on: January 02, 2013, 02:46:49 PM »

I understand your feelings. It is a very sad time. What can you do to be less depressed and isolated? 
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