What helped me the most

[Tausk]

I'm processing my recovery and still in a great deal of pain.  But what has really helped me is to read the posts of "2010"

I spent three days reading from the beginning to end and it made all the difference in the world.  I reread posts every evening before I sleep to keep the concepts in my mind.  There has been no better resource for explanation of the disorder and why I got entangled, which is the first step to grieving and letting go. 

She also have a great deal of info on the process of looking at myself and how I can move forward. 

All the answers to the question, mirroring, great sex, why i lost myself, lack of closure, recyling, emotional pendulum, smear campaign,... .it's all explained in the 799 posts.  The link below should get you to the first of her posts.  Spend the time and read 799-1.  It's been the best use of my time since I started to recover and I'm deeply grateful to her.  Good luck and and peace, love and compassion to all.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts;start=760

[really]

Very true SP.  I had one more foolish crack at closure.   I got it in the truth of those emails.  Not closure on my terms but in the reality of the disorder. Wasted effort on my part but the words of two psychologists and all those emails ringing truer than the most finely tuned bell.  Dong!   Dong!    Bloody dong!   

Game over.   

[Yolo]

LMAO! Ding Dong... it's true, and I did the same thing and because I don't know how to quote well on this forum or link... .I felt like I was continually bringing 2010 entries to light and almost felt like a 2010 groupie for a while.

Does anyone know whether or not she was academically trained? Seriously, the history didn't go far back enough for me to get her entire story, although I did 'get' that she was in DBT herself and that is in fact where she met her Ex (!).

Folklore now I guess, but I will always always think of her entries as LIFE changing for me.

This is significant,as SP has indicated, if you have just been thrust into this reality, read her insights (Members--<2010)... .for some reason her responses to others before us sped my recovery 10 fold.

Thanks, Schroeder... .BPD Family... she may need her own folder for this forum... .it's amazing.

There are several approaching as well... .MaybeSo, BPDSpell, Seeking Balance, not to mention all of the distinguished members.

What I find facinating is the lack of "status" of 2010, but how often she is referred to here.  Kinda like oldetimefeeling I guess.  We all have our contributions... .but _2010... .please PLEASE read.  A not to miss during your detachment.

[HowPredictable]

I agree with you, Schroder's Piano.   I found the posts by 2010 incredibly valuable; in fact, I compiled them all and used an electronic text reader to convert them into MP3, then put the audio on a portable player and listened to them while shopping or driving.  It prevented me from ruminating, and reinforced the message that my Ex was far beyond my well-intentioned help.   Doing this really helped me reach a turning point.

She popped up here a few months ago, and I did thank her too for her invaluable contribution at that time.

There are many others here, too, that deserve mention.  It's really an amazing place.

[Tausk]

Does anyone know whether or not she was academically trained? Seriously, the history didn't go far back enough for me to get her entire story, although I did 'get' that she was in DBT herself and that is in fact where she met her Ex (!).

I read a post where someone last year congratulated 2010 on receiving her graduate degree in psychology.  So I'm hoping that she's working now.  She could bring great insight to the field, just as Marsh Linehan, who recent disclosed that she is recovering from BPD.

Yes, everyone on the board helps me.  It the theraputic value of one "partner" helping another.  We have walked the same path.  One important part for me it remember that I'm not the exception.  My ex gfwBPD used to read descriptions or lists and look for the one exception that proved that she was different.  I have to look at the big picture and know that because, 90% of the stories fit my exact circumstance, that the solutions are the correct one for me as well.

For example, I'm doing my best to let go of limberence (a great post by 2010), and I have to give up malignant hope that my interaction with my ex is the one exception where "true love" will prevail and she'll be inspired to leave her current BF to go it alone and go through the abandoment depression to find real recovery so that we can live happily ever after.

I can barely manage to move forward throught the abandonment depression, and I'm supposed to be the healthier one without the disorder.  The pain for my ex to do it must be infinitely more painful.  It would probably kill me in an instant.  It's not going to happen for her. As 2010 often says, "the disorder always wins."

2010 said that she went through DBT for six years.  I can't express how much I admire her courage.  I think that's also why her posts are so great.  She writes from being on both sides of the board, both as a partner and as a BPD with "true" recovery.  Not just coping skills not to harm herself.  She has self awareness.

So when she says that I as an ex-partner need to look at why I was so vunerable to being mirrored,annd I have to look at why my false ego needs to present to world a person who is so perfect, and invesitigate why I need to be needed to find self valuation, and  to look at my childhood trauma, and to walk away with no contact and to give up hope for my ex's apology or change... .then I hope that I have the courage to follow through with her suggestions.

Because she also says that we will be stronger and better afterwards, and I have faith in her words.

[HowPredictable]

2010 said that she went through DBT for six years.  I can't express how much I admire her courage.  I think that's also why her posts are so great.  She writes from being on both sides of the board, both as a partner and as a BPD with "true" recovery.  Not just coping skills not to harm herself.  She has self awareness.

With due respect -- and not to take anything away from your compliments to 2010, in which I concur -- I think you have misread something in her posts somewhere.   From what I gather, she self-identifies as an vulnerable narcissist, not someone with BPD.  See for example her Reply #27 in this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=154889.20

I could be wrong, or maybe she identified as being co-morbid, but I really have read/listened to every one of 2010's posts and I don't recall her ever self-identifying as BPD.    In fact, among the most helpful to me were the posts she wrote about the unusually strong dysfunctional connection between people with BPD and people wtih NPD.

[MaybeSo]

She did go through a lot of DBT.  

Not everyone exposed to DBT has BPD.  :)BT is used for PTSD, depression, etc. it's not just for pwBPD... .though it was just originally developed to help with suicidial tendancies and other borderline symptoms.

In the case of 2010, I beleive the back story was that she went through DBT with her partner who has BPD/NPD issues.  It was not a good experience for her. I think the gist of it from her perspective is:

Don't get roped into doing any form of 'couples counseling' with someone who you think has BPD/NPD issues and isn't already recovered. Do your own work with your own therapist.  

I never mistook her to be identified as having BPD because she was exposed to DBT, but I guess some might assume this without the back story.

[MaybeSo]

And I would add that 2010 posts (which I still revisit) were also a part of a final turning point for me, too, in particular, the post on the lonely child; this was especially beneficial for my understanding and my healing.

[seeking balance]

And I would add that 2010 posts (which I still revisit) were also a part of a final turning point for me, too, in particular, the post on the lonely child; this was especially beneficial for my understanding and my healing.

Ditto for me - 2010's post helped me depersonalize the actions and really focus on my own issues.  I try to recycle the "ding dong" post every few months.  It is funny and it shows us how much we participate in the dance.

2010 (if I recall) was misdiagnosed BPD with her BPD partner and did go through DBT, but keep in mind, not all DBT programs are the same.  If you have read Buddha and the Borderline, Kara illustrates perfectly this fact in her own journey through recovery.

Yes, 2010 is a self-proclaimed altruistic narcisist.  There is a real "loaded bond" between NPD/BPD personalities - they fundamentally "feed" each other.  Most of us here show sign of being an vulnerable narcissist IMHO.

Go a step beyond 2010 and read some of the works she refers to for an even deeper understanding of self.  Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller is a hard read, but powerful look in the mirror.

[HowPredictable]

Ditto for me - 2010's post helped me depersonalize the actions and really focus on my own issues.  ... .

Go a step beyond 2010 and read some of the works she refers to for an even deeper understanding of self.  :)rama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller is a hard read, but powerful look in the mirror.

Agreed on both counts.   The Miller book is powerful, and definitely worth reading if you are in a strong emotional place and willing to do some hard work and introspection.  Personally, I knew I was going to be onto something major when I nearly burst into tears just reading the book's description on Amazon.com -- it resonated with me and my upbringing so perfectly.

[rmsquared]

Wow, thanks for sharing this.  Just finally decided to go NC yesterday, but the conversation to do so opened a lot of old wounds.  Reading some of these posts helped me put a lot of things back in perspective.

[Tausk]

Yes, it appears that 2010 is not a pwBPD.  It must have all the talk of being stuck in DBT that must have swayed my mind.  It doesn't lessen my feeling of gratitude to her and the time she has taken to put her knowledge out there.  It has helped me so much to understand what happend.

[myself]

I hope 2010 went on to bigger and better things, and that all the people digging her posts didn't scare her off! Very helpful stuff, I've read them too, and have gone back. Thank you, 2010. I remember her saying something along the lines of, don't accept the bad the pwBPD project on us, and don't project our good onto them, either. That stuck with me, and helps put it in perspective again when things seem out of whack.

[Newton]

Schroder... .thanks for voicing something I have often thought.   

2010's posts have been written with such clarity and insight, they have helped immensely in my recovery.

[John70]

2010's posts are so insightful and so incisive that it's hard to select which ones have helped the most. They've really helped me to understand both my behaviours and that of the ex. I'll be forever grateful to 2010 and these boards for helping me through some very dark, dark times. Here are two quotes that really helped me to drop the scales from my eyes. What I saw when unblinded wasn't, and isn't, easy to look at but doing so is necessary in order to move on and not make the same mistakes again.


"In the beginning it felt almost holy- like I had finally come alive and found someone shared the Earth who understood me. But then I realized that this was only mirroring, and a ritualized, systematic, fraudulent manipulation."

"Radical acceptance comes when you realize that what was mirrored really wasn’t you- it was what *you wanted others to give to you* It was <<Understanding.>>

Try to give that to yourself."

The second quote blew me away. There's so much there... .

What a   

[Tausk]

there are many new people on the board. So I would thought I would repost this thread. Reading 2010 helps me the most.

[atcrossroads]

Thank you, SP, for reposting the link.

Her posts sound exactly like what I need to read. 

[Apple white]

I can not get onto this link.  Would really like to read it.  Can anyone help please?

[Tausk]

this is an alternative link.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts;start=740

[Apple white]

Thank you.  That worked

[really]

Thanks for the reminder SP.   Am going through all of 2010's posts again and they certainly bring me closer to peace.    They show just how futile any action on my part has been.

[tigertiger]

Amazing posts, the lonely child piece knocked me over it was that powerful

[bobbyvp]

Really looking forward to reading these 2010 posts, but the link doesn't work for me. Any ideas?  I get this:

An Error Has Occurred!

Many apologies, but you can't view just any profile.

[atcrossroads]

Really looking forward to reading these 2010 posts, but the link doesn't work for me. Any ideas?  I get this:

An Error Has Occurred!

Many apologies, but you can't view just any profile.

It worked fine for me last night.  You see a list of posts... .  no?

[atcrossroads]

I agree with you, Schroder's Piano.   I found the posts by 2010 incredibly valuable; in fact, I compiled them all and used an electronic text reader to convert them into MP3, then put the audio on a portable player and listened to them while shopping or driving.  It prevented me from ruminating, and reinforced the message that my Ex was far beyond my well-intentioned help.   :)oing this really helped me reach a turning point.

She popped up here a few months ago, and I did thank her too for her invaluable contribution at that time.

There are many others here, too, that deserve mention.  It's really an amazing place.

Hi there,

That is a fantastic idea but way beyond my tech skills.  Are those Mp3s by chance email-able?  If so, and if you'd be willing to share, please message me.  I can listen to them while walking... .  would love to be able to do so. 

Thanks,

ACR

[bobbyvp]

Hmm is it possible I don't have enough posts to see the search results?  If so, I guess this post may help get me there... .  

[atcrossroads]

Hmm is it possible I don't have enough posts to see the search results?  If so, I guess this post may help get me there... .  

haha.  I don't know, but yeah, post away.  Can't hurt!     

[bobbyvp]

Thanks for the advice atcrossroads, I'm gonna try that! 

[bobbyvp]

I've now read about half the 2010 posts, and they've really helped me.  These are amazing and I want to thank Gus and other posters who've recommended it.  I look forward to reading the rest!

[Tausk]

So many questions about why they do this, or don't they know this, or inability to apologize, or cheating, or arguments, or being discarded, or delusional thinking, or hoping for change, or why therapy doesn't work, or claims of abuse a child, or abusive exes, or lack of boundaries, or being painted black, or moving on so quickly, or being recycled, or push/pull, or why it hurts so much... .  

Its a disorder and the disorder always wins.  

It's all so confusing and it hurts so deeply.  I feel for everyone on the board.  I understand all the pain and all the questions because I have and am still going through them all.  So I still recommend reading all of 2010 posts. Take all the time possible and do it as quickly as possible, and repeat as many times as possible.  

In support,

[dharmagems]

"An Error Has Occurred!

Many apologies, but you can't view just any profile."

I still get an error report.  I notice some new members like me could read 2010's posts, but I can't.

Anyone have a suggestion on how I can read her posts or for anyone on this board to read them?

 

[dharmagems]

Hum, how did bobbyvp and tigertiger, both new members like me, who posted just about as many as me get to read 2010's posts, and I can't?

Anyone have suggestions? 

[Tausk]

I think you need a minimum number of posts before you can read other profiles.  Just post a few more times and I think you might get in.

[bobbyvp]

Yes, the minimum number of posts is 10!

[dharmagems]

Ok, i'll see if posting more works... .  thanks

[dharmagems]

This is my 10th post.  I'll cross my fingers

[dharmagems]

I have read the first 60 posts of member "2010" and I have been blown away by the insight and the depth of  understanding of the BPD-nonBPD relationship.  It is stark and real.  I have winced in agony as my role as a nonBPD and can see how I am part of the drama and dynamic of keeping this kind of relationship alive.  I could understand that NC, disengaging, and indifference are effective ways to stop the drama.  OMG!  Anyone who is on this site must take a look at member "2010's" posts.  You will be enlightened.

[Kiss Of Kismet]

2010's posts sound like what exactly I have been looking for all this time I have been looking for on the message board all these past few days

[Kiss Of Kismet]

*all this time I have been looking on the message board

[krambanan]

Really want to read those posts. Hoping this post will make it happen. 

[fakename]

2010 isn't an active member any more?

i feel like i need to talk to her... .  anyone have her contact info they can private message me?

[recoil]

If I had read this six months ago, I would not have recycled this last go round.

Her words have given me strength to let go -- and not out of anger or revenge.  Just to accept the disorder and let go. 

[fakename]

i've read her posts, and am making my way through all of them, but what are her thoughts on sticking around and helping someone with BPD?

or does she just advise to let go and move on?

[honesty2013]

Just posting so I can read 2010 posts 

[Tausk]

Reposting this because there are a lot of new people here.  Reading 2010, did and still does help me the most to move forward and detach.

In fact 2010 has made some recent apperances and her recent posts have been no less brilliant.  The road to freedom is in this post and following the suggestion of reading 2010.  

[Blimblam]

I agree tausk.

One thing I am curious of that she does touch on often is about the our own FOO issues and some sort of breakthrough towards becoming the "real self"  If anyone has more insight into this aspect I would really appreciate it.

[BorisAcusio]

2010's posts inspired many of us take a long journey into the world of psychology. Understanding what happening behind the curtains is the only way to detach for those with analytic mindset.

Keep in mind that we have at least two different school of thoughts describing Borderline Personality Disorder, one is Masterson(2010) and other is Kernberg. They differ in terms of how and why the symptoms appear. After finishing the posts, which I would recommend in the first place, you may want to get familiar with a sligthly different perspective.

[seeking balance]

In fact 2010 has made some recent apperances and her recent posts have been no less brilliant.  The road to freedom is in this post and following the suggestion of reading 2010.  

2010 gives very good insight into the disorder and our role in it. As you read her posts, you will understand she had one heck of a ride to getting to the place of understanding.

For everyone who does read it, make sure to use the knowledge to detach enough so you can actually grieve.  It is easy to do the "us vs. them" but if you get to the heart of what 2010 has done it is to rebuild her own self worth from a truly worthy place.  You will find some great information on the PI Board when you journey over there and start digging into your own psyche's.

Tausk, not calling you out - just using your post as the reference point for 2010 is all.

[myself]

(BTW, 2010 states his gender is 'male'