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Author Topic: Jealousy  (Read 1335 times)
angel123

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« on: January 09, 2013, 11:42:22 AM »

I'm sure this has been posted and discussed many times before but are most BPDs extremely jealous? I was constantly accused of the craziest things when I was with my ex. On two different occassions I was accused of sleeping with some guy because he made eye contact with me while we were out one night. After one of our many break up/make up cycles, he was at my house. We had been back in contact for a few weeks at that point. I am a very early riser and he tends to sleep in quite late on the weekends. I decided to go out to the grocery store. He woke up and texted me asking where I was. I must have responded within 20 minutes because I hadn't heard my phone beep. That resulted in me being accused of being on a date with another man I must have met while we were apart. He literally left my house and we got into a massive fight. What the heck? It was I think 11a.m. and I was in sweat pants and a ragged old sweatshirt and I don't think had even brushed my hair. LOL yea I'm out on a date.
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Vindi
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Relationship status: Living together
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« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2013, 03:34:37 PM »

very common, i have endured years of "being on dates" "oh that guy wants to have sex with you" "Ohhh, YOU (being me) wants to have sex with some other guy"... .  so many stories, .talking to guys at work, forget it, he thinks I am being fliratious and too chatty. It does get very old. Holding boundaries is the way to go.
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armsreach

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« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2013, 10:47:44 AM »

Oh, yes, the jealousy! I've been accused of sleeping with so many other men, that it's astounding. Mostly it's all my co-workers, cause, you know, I spend a lot of time with them. I made the mistake of saying hi to a guy in a parking lot one time (I recognized him from church) when my stbxh was there and he said, "so, is that the guy you're screwing?" Really?
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Benevolent Sun
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« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2013, 12:53:45 PM »

The jealousy was always there

I've mentioned previously she would say how she felt like she needed to take a pee around me to mark her territory because of all the other girls that were looking at me. Meanwhile we are at a bar she worked at, and there were six guys that she had hooked up with that I knew about from the past. Mind blowing

She would have the same worries about the few females that were in my life, didn't matter if they were married or not. Anytime my phone would ring, it must have been my hot date. It wore me down big time

I've shared this before as well, but we would be out for dinner, and a pretty girl would walk in. I didn't matter if I saw her or not, the ex would become quiet. I would ask what was wrong, we just had an hour of good light humored conversation then nothing. She would say she was tired, I look around and there are good looking women in the bar. I would never had strayed from her, but I do look at people, I think its natural to see what people have going on.

I don't think she had any reason to be feeling jealous, there were no ex gf around, I do wish I was able to communicate with her better to reassure her. I honestly did not want things to be this way, but I couldn't move forward with her if she didn't believe that I was dedicated. I'll sound like a wimp, and w wish I was stronger to handle the rs better, but it did just me every time she threw one of those lines out there. I just felt that there is nothing you can to convince someone
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talithacumi
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Relationship status: Stopped living together in August 2010
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« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2013, 04:28:54 PM »

The jealousy thing is just another way the disorder seems to manifest itself for a lot of pwBPD.

Two things.

The worst/most intense form, in my experience anyway, seemed to occur when it was a projection of feelings/thoughts he himself was having - or - in some instances, of what he was actually doing with someone else behind my back. I learned, after 12+ years, that him accusing me of having/wanting to have an affair was generally a pretty good indicator that he was already having, or had found himself in a position of being able/really wanting wanting to have one.

The milder form/less intense form seemed to occur when his little BPD-tuned interest/attention antenna picked up on subtle signals of attraction that actually WERE there on some level - mine, his, and anyone else's for either one of us. Ultimately, I found the more he concentrated/focused in conversation on mine for someone else and/or someone else's for me, the more it would eventually turn out he was being effected by/moved to at least WANT to act on his own for someone else and/or someone else's for him.

In either case, his jealousy ultimately seemed to have very little to do with any feelings he might have had for, or about me. Mostly, it appears to have been a very disordered (but very effective!) way of deflecting his/my attention away from what he was experiencing, feeling, thinking, needing, wanting, saying, doing at the time onto me so he didn't have to acknowledge, admit, examine, or be made uncomfortable by any of those things.

Like pretty much everything else when looked at through the lens of this particular disorder, their behavior is always more about serving and protecting their own emotional/psychological needs than anything - or anyone else.
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bpdspell
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Relationship status: Married.
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« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2013, 05:44:15 PM »

The jealousy thing is just another way the disorder seems to manifest itself for a lot of pwBPD.

Like pretty much everything else when looked at through the lens of this particular disorder, their behavior is always more about serving and protecting their own emotional/psychological needs than anything - or anyone else.

This is spot on.

My ex displayed jealousy pretty early on and due to my own emotional immaturity I kinda thought it was harmless and cute.   I thought it meant that he cared for me and that he'd be willing to protect me. Something at the time I was pretty desperate for... .  but now I see it entirely different.

We don't realize but our ex's can be jealous simply because we have characteristics that they covet. Like our likable personality, our genuine empathy, our drive, ambition, people skills... .  you name it. Whenever the spotlight of attention isn't on them it drives them pretty insane because of their own innate emptiness and their desire to control out of their deep insecurity. If they aren't controlling the puppet strings then World War Six can certainly break out. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Doesn't matter whether it's good or bad attention; it needs to be on them or they'll feel useless.

People with BPD are pathologically insecure due to their limited sense of identity. When you don't know who you are from hour to hour and day to day you'd be pretty damn insecure yourself. And Tali is right. The way they express jealousy really isn't about us; but more about the triggering reminders of what they themselves lack on the inside. My ex hated that I had a loving ex-husband, loving sisters, a loving mother. He hated that the people in my life loved me. He was jealous of my accolades, my cooking skills... .  from the little things to the big things it was all about his triggered insecurities.

Spell
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Curvy girl

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« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2013, 07:27:24 PM »

I agree with what everyone else has said.

In the beginning of the relationship I just he was insecure. Even posing in a picture where another man was present ( a long with other people too) was unacceptable.

I had to stop communicating with any of my male friends, I actually don't have any now. God forbid I ever told a story about a co worker and they just happened to be male.

If I was away, or at an event. I was accused to chatting men up while I was there. If I went to my hometown to visit my family, I was accused of hooking up with all my ex boyfriends.

I never have him a reason not to trust me but he doesn't.

After a while it got really old.

I am not sure if he has ever cheated on me. I often wondered if his behaviour was somewhat of a projection but I couldn't know for sure.

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ricky rick

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« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2013, 07:25:40 AM »

My ex was jealous but she was jealous in a different way. I dont know if it has to do with her being the waif type or what. she never talked about other women or anything. She was jealous because of who I was or what I had. I was successful in what I did and had nice things and was able to do pretty much anything I wanted without question. She had all kinds of financial problems and such so she had problems doing what she wanted. Anyone else have these issues?
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