BPD Daughter and Now Mother of Two

[searching1974]

Has anyone in this group ever made the difficult decision to cut a parent out completely? After years of suffering abuse myself, I am beginning to feel the wear on my family with my mother's presence. She has a pretty severe borderline personality disorder and out of guilt, I have never been able to not have some kind of relationship with her--and now allow her to have a relationship with my kids. Tonight, my 4 year old asked my why grandma is always crying, why she is always angry. I said "I don't know. I think she is sad and upset a lot." My daughter than said to me, "well stop making her upset." When I asked her why she thinks I make her grandmother upset, she said "because she told me you do." My mother has maligned my character to neighbors, friends, boyfriends, cousins... .you name it. But now, after her recent suicide threats over the holidays, violent screaming outbursts in front of my children, and now these machinations behind the scenes with my 4 year old daughter, I'm beginning to fear for my children's mental well being. I also fear for how my mother, in traditional borderline manner, splits my two girls more and more as good granddaughter, bad granddaughter. I am at a loss as to what to do anymore. On one hand, my mother herself had a terribly abusive childhood, both physically and mentally, and I know her mental state is a result of that. She is also financially challenged (much of her own doing through gambling) and is completely alone in this country. I've tried to help her, offered to pay for her to see a therapist (difficult as she is eastern european and mental health is stigmatized), tried to be compassionate and reach out to her. Nothing has worked. She has violent, raging episodes no matter how many of her needs or demands I meet. I feel like I've tried and tried for as long as I can remember--4 or 5 years old myself. But now it finally has reached the point that I feel like I have to choose between safe guarding my children and my mother. I wish I could help her, but I can't. So in this case, do I just save my kids and cut her out and live with that awful horror of cutting your mentally ill mother out for the rest of your life? Sorry for this long, drawn out rant--but I am so lost and I have a deep pit in my stomach. Any thoughts?

[Justadude]

Where can you set limits? Knowing what I know now about this mental illness NC would make it worse maybe you can see a therapist about setting healthy limits to protect yourself and her grandchildren.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi searching1974,

I can see why you're hurt and angry--it had to be difficult to hear what your daughter said, and I don't blame you for being concerned about how your mother is treating your children. It sounds like your mother's behavior has been upsetting them.

You have a good point; you cannot change your mother if she's not willing to change or get help. What you can do, however, is set some firm boundaries with your mother to protect yourself and your children.

Does your mother live close to you? Could you limit her interactions with the girls?

[Sola Gratia]

I'm so sorry, I know what you're going through.  I went to counseling when my daughter was in grade school.  One time she asked" if you and granny have problems, why are you the only one in therapy?". I replied that if I had anything to do with it, it was stopping with me.  I did not want to pass the craziness on!  Get help, and learn how to set boundaries.  Youre the only one who can say if it's dangerous for your daughters, but getting some perspective will help enormously.

[mlle24]

I would absolutely recommend seeing a therapist and learning to set boundaries. Set and stick to your consequences if these boundaries are not followed. Also... .  Maybe this is the wrong thing to do (ask a therapist maybe or get a poll) but I would definitely tell you not to let this incident of her badmouthing you to your 4 year old slip without being noticed. Take this as an opportunity to set your first boundary.  For boundaries and consequences (just like with children, so are our BPD parents) it's really good to use "if then" statements.  "if you choose to speak to my children about our relationship, I will no longer [bring them to see you, allow you to come over, allow you to see them, etc]... .  "  I almost always use the words "If you choose" because she IS choosing to make these statements/comments/points, it's not anyone forcing her to tell them.  Maybe give her a way to avoid this topic with her grandchildren by saying "oh darling it's nothing to worry about" or "it's grown up stuff" or any number of ways adults tell kids not to think about it/ask about it/worry about it... .  

It definitely sounds to me like she has no boundaries. I have no kids, but I have also found that boundaries don't work with my uBPD mom. NC may be the best route for you. Even if only temporary. The only person who can decide that is you and possibly a spouse.

[Rosegirl39]

I have gone through a very similar situation recently with my BPDmom and decided on no contact for the sake of my two children. she had a violent episode in front of my 7yr old and I had to make the tough decision to cut her out. It's been almost a month now and of course I feel sad, angry, confused, and I also miss her. But I also feel strong and empowered. It's a long healing process. The hard part is explaining why grandma is not around. My 7 yr old knows she is not well, and he asks why she is mean, always cries etc.  So I understand what you are going through. I have come to realize from talking to other family members and friends and also from this forum that we need to take care of ourselves. We need to protect our children. We need to show our children that it is not ok to let others abuse us. It is a sad reality that our BPD moms will always be this way unless they choose to get help. I always hoped I could fix mine. Maybe you don't have to cut her out forever, just do what feels right for you and your family and set some boundaries so you feel safe. Good luck and take care.