Why I will never give up

[beachtalks]

In the book The Five Love Languages, I cannot decide which my husband speaks: (spending time together, words of affection, physical displays of affection, gifts, and acts of service.)  I honestly think he is a bit of all five, and when I asked him he agreed. 

     But doing/being all five for him is leaving me no time for myself.  

     I have so little time for myself that my own love language has become acts of service, because this then gives me an opportunity for time to myself.  My identity has in some ways shifted because of this marriage.  But just in the small ways.  The core parts of me have actually strengthened, which is why I will never give up.   

     Since I've been with my BPDh I have become more honest, expressive, think outside the box-ish, brave, giving, creative, focused, and sincere--things I value.  As high maintenance as he is, I adore his passion and honesty and... .  yes... .  intensity.  I love that he demands ALL FIVE love languages from me. He is fantastic and hopefully I will become as demanding as him someday. Because life is short and passion is fun.   

     I am going to start demanding more from him, starting now.     :

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

These relationships certainly put us under the microscope, and raise our own bar just to survive.

I have had more than one person tell me I have become a more mature and mindful person in my outlook, without them knowing why.

[Chosen]

 

beachtalks, your post warms my heart.

I think that ever since I've been with my uBPDh, I have started learning to love, and to forgive and be more mature as well.  Even though H will never see it that way, and I doubt he would ever see any change in me, I have had people say encouraging things about me.

It's posts like yours that keep me going when I'm feeling down and unappreciated- sometimes we have to look inward instead of outward.

Thanks.

[beachtalks]

Thanks for the responses, you guys.  My BPDh actually hung up on me tonight, his last words being "I just love you and want my wife back (meaning me)," as though I am the one on a mood trip and he is the one trying to weather out the storm.

     Tomorrow morning he will call and one of us will have to apologize.  And in many ways, what difference does it really make whose fault it is or who takes responsibility?  When there are problems in a relationship, both people suffer.  My ego no longer cares who wins the little battles.  I'll just refuse to fight and remind him of my love and hopefully he will come to believe in my love again (it's a cycle).  And it's all part of who he is. 

     Isn't it amazing how much altruism, buddhism, and Christianity can manifest through trying times?  We learn to be selfless and generous in ways we never would have, because of this love.  On our death bed, what will really matter?

     For me, I will just be glad to have spent my days with him, fighting or not.  No one ever said love was easy, and being easy doesn't make it more right.  Love is love, whether pretty or ugly, and I'm hangin' in.

[Chosen]

We learn to be selfless and generous in ways we never would have, because of this love.  On our death bed, what will really matter?

     For me, I will just be glad to have spent my days with him, fighting or not.  No one ever said love was easy, and being easy doesn't make it more right.  Love is love, whether pretty or ugly, and I'm hangin' in.

Well said.