Need boundaries... but with enDad

[Dev]

Context: I'm a 26-year-old daughter of unBPD mother, living in a different city to my parents. Last year (after years of um-ing and ah-ing) my parents decided to end their marriage, although they have not taken the legal steps yet: they still live together (separate rooms) and haven't filed for divorce or made plans to go their separate ways.

So despite all this my enDad (who is getting close to elderly) has taken a lot of positive steps to improve his life and health and I am very happy for him. He has retired, does a lot more activities to de-stress and to keep fit, has distanced himself from Mum's abuse, seen a counsellor, and re-established relations with his own family after being estranged from them at Mum's command. These are all great things!

Dad and I have been emailing, and I stupidly thought it was a GREAT idea because we’d be repairing our relationship in a way, and I'd be able to communicate what's going on in my life without being interrupted and know I was being "listened" to; he is a very verbose man and hard of hearing, so having a phone conversation with him can be traumatisingly painful. I thought using the medium of email would be beneficial for both of us.

But switching to email doesn't stop him from dumping on me emotionally! I think that now I’m an adult, he thinks I can stand in for a “friend” and listen to all his struggles and feelings, giving advice in return. He's had no friends to express himself to for years, so I guess he is starved of a normal adult conversation sometimes. But a lot of the topics I find are distressing or inappropriate for me, and I don't know how to tell him. Even in email form, I'm reduced to that silent nodding daughter on the other end of the phone line with no way out.

Examples: he will sometimes write about women he “fancies” or has crushes on, and ponders whether he should ask them out etc. They will always be like, 800-word essays (he is just as verbose in email, I’ve learnt) and he can be disturbingly detailed, like describing their “smooth skin”. It’s good he’s meeting new people, but I’m his DAUGHTER! I don't even want to KNOW about potential new women in his life unless he and Mum have officially separated, and his relationship with the new woman is solid (and it never is, he’s just like, “In other news, I quite like Sarah’s friend Gale…”). And I sure as hell don’t want to know about their smooth skin.

Sometimes he will also report ~ty things Mum has done lately, like throwing my Christmas card to her in the bin. Stuff like that isn’t new (Mum and I are NC, but I always send holiday cards to both parents) but sometimes I don’t need to hear all the hurtful things she’s doing/saying about me, and Dad will report it verbatim. He will then go on to talk about HIS feelings and how he doesn’t want to put up with it anymore, etc. It’s really upsetting to read – I distanced myself from her for a reason, and he brings it all back in one email.

If I reply responding to everything but the parts of the email I found upsetting, he will repeat himself and make a point of asking, “What do you think about Gale/etc.?” So I can’t just ignore it and hope he gets a hint. What can I say to make him stop without hurting his feelings?

[finallyangry]

Dev... .  can I ask a couple of questions? I just need some clarification. Is your dad the parent with BPD? If so, your mom does hurtful things too but you dont think she is ill? (I hope that doesnt sounds condescending, just asking for clarity sake). Also, what does enDad mean?

One things that really stood out for me is that you said, " I'm reduced to that silent nodding daughter on the other end of the phone line with no way out.". This really strikes home for me and probably a lot of other people with BPD parents. I think its really important for your to speak your truth. Tell him that you appreciate the communication but feel the need to draw some BOUNDARIES. Its possible he wont like this much but at least you will have done the healthy thing of drawing a line and sticking to it. My mother does the same thing. She treats me like her best girl friend and its not healthy!

Hope this helps 

[Dev]

Sorry, it's been a while since I've been on these boards and maybe the lingo is off:

enDad = enmeshed Dad. He doesn't have BPD, but certainly has issues after being married to one.

uBPD Mum = undiagnosed BPD. She's definitely ill, but not the problem at the moment.

Thanks for the advice.

[LadyLuck]

Wow, your situation sounds SO much like mine! But what happened to me was that my BPD mother was furious with the boundaries I placed between us, then went running back to my dad (who she had cheated on and later divorced) and he took her back with open arms and turned on me! He had also tried to establish that friendship with me, talking about women he was dating, etc, and when I have him a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen, he threw it back in my face.

I'm not saying that will happen to you, but I think you are right to establish healthy (and cautious) boundaries for yourself. As for what you can say or do, I agree with finallyangry. I've found that I just need to let the other side of the "boundary" deal with their own bitterness to having that boundary set.