How aware are you of the Unarticulated? Is it possibly contributing to a problem now? How do you get in touch with it?
This a huge trap because the underlying feeling (what we want to validate) is often expressed to us as something else, or brought up in a way that is unclear or inflamatory. We often respond to what we hear on the surface without pausing to consider the feeling that is behind the words we hear. Of course, people with BPD will often express their feelings in sweeping, black and white statements that practically invite an invalidating response from you. The trick is to de-personalize a lot of what they say by realizing they are mostly talking about themselves and their own feelings, no matter how its phrased.
Here are just a few examples of ways you might hear feelings expressed in "disguise":
1. Accusations -
You never want to spend any time with me anymore. (I feel lonely or neglected)
2. Criticism -
You never lift a finger around here. (I feel unappreciated or worn out)
3. Comments about life -
There is never anything to do, guess I'll just go to bed, again (I feel bored or depressed)
4. Negative comments about themselves -
I'm such an idiot, I should know know better than to rely on anyone. (I feel disappointed)
5. Threats -
I want a divorce! (I feel angry or frustrated)
You can see how easy it would be to respond to some of these comments defensively, or by offering solutions, or by "reassuring" the other person that things aren't as bad as they say - all of which are actually invalidating responses.
So, try not to take the bait on the surface. Listen for the feelings that are being expressed and realize they are mostly talking about themselves and what they feel, not about you. Then go about validating the feeling, in an appropriate way according to one of the methods in the Fruzetti video.
Great topic!
