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Author Topic: 1.13 | Validation - common tips and traps  (Read 7017 times)
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« Reply #30 on: July 03, 2013, 11:25:02 AM »

How aware are you of the Unarticulated?  Is it possibly contributing to a problem now? How do you get in touch with it?

This a huge trap because the underlying feeling (what we want to validate) is often expressed to us as something else, or brought up in a way that is unclear or inflamatory.  We often respond to what we hear on the surface without pausing to consider the feeling that is behind the words we hear.  Of course, people with BPD will often express their feelings in sweeping, black and white statements that practically invite an invalidating response from you.  The trick is to de-personalize a lot of what they say by realizing they are mostly talking about themselves and their own feelings, no matter how its phrased.

Here are just a few examples of ways you might hear feelings expressed in "disguise":

1.  Accusations - You never want to spend any time with me anymore. (I feel lonely or neglected)

2.  Criticism - You never lift a finger around here. (I feel unappreciated or worn out)

3.  Comments about life - There is never anything to do, guess I'll just go to bed, again (I feel bored or depressed)

4.  Negative comments about themselves - I'm such an idiot, I should know know better than to rely on anyone.  (I feel disappointed)

5.  Threats - I want a divorce! (I feel angry or frustrated)

You can see how easy it would be to respond to some of these comments defensively, or by offering solutions, or by "reassuring" the other person that things aren't as bad as they say - all of which are actually invalidating responses.   

So, try not to take the bait on the surface.  Listen for the feelings that are being expressed and realize they are mostly talking about themselves and what they feel, not about you.  Then go about validating the feeling, in an appropriate way according to one of the methods in the Fruzetti video.

Great topic!   

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« Reply #31 on: February 21, 2015, 01:56:56 PM »

When we ask questions in a validating way it can help the pwBPD process their feelings and identify the underlying causes of their distress.  This gives us more information as well so that we can validate the valid!

Here are some examples of validating statements followed by validating questions:

"I can see that you are frustrated about our financial situation, that is understandable.  Are you worried about how this will affect our lifestyle?"

"I would be upset if my friends didn't return my calls too. What do you think might be going on?"

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« Reply #32 on: February 25, 2015, 07:03:19 PM »

Learning how to ask validating questions was the next leap forward in improving:

My communication with my daughter (Keeping the conversation going)

My ability to understand her thought processes and feelings (fears)

My ability to help her move from overwhelming feelings into a more balanced perspective

My ability to let her solve her own problems and not try to solve them for her

My ability to guide her towards finding her own solutions and peace with her situations

My ability to participate with her in a model of problem solving

Priceless!

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« Reply #33 on: December 07, 2018, 04:18:23 PM »

Learning how to ask validating questions was the next leap forward in improving:

My communication with my daughter (Keeping the conversation going)

My ability to understand her thought processes and feelings (fears)

My ability to help her move from overwhelming feelings into a more balanced perspective

My ability to let her solve her own problems and not try to solve them for her

My ability to guide her towards finding her own solutions and peace with her situations

My ability to participate with her in a model of problem solving

Priceless!

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« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2019, 01:55:08 PM »

I'm still early in this process. My wife has just restarted treatment after a false start, but I have been seeing a therapist with DBT training since early-mid 2019.

For reference I was using Shari Manning's six levels of validation referenced above.

But the trap I fell into was trying to dive right into steps 4-5 as soon as possible while completely ignoring steps 1-3. For some reason I saw levels 4-5 were the only ones where actual validation is taking place. Once I realized I was doing this and corrected I got much better at being validating. Levels 1-3 are just as validating and just as effective at lowering emotions as steps 4 and 5. And with good use of levels 1-3 you actually can be more validating with levels 4-5.

I see level 6 as just incorporating the whole thing into your own voice. If someone gives an example of a validating statement and you just can't imagine yourself saying it or it just kind of feels awkward, try and find a way to incorporate it into your own voice. If you can't do that, use levels 1-3.

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