It starts with mom...

[yeeter]

My mom used to joke with us that anytime we did something irrational that "its all your mothers fault"

One of these 'A lot of truth is said in jest' statements, and for sure I developed a lot of my own self as a result of her guidance and direction growing up.

Fast forward to the present.  My wife came down with the flu last week (its going around).  And as you can imagine, she doesnt handle discomfort well.  I tried to manage the kids and stay away so we could minimize our chance of getting it (unsuccessful, I am now also sick, but such is life with little kids). 

Anyway - on Monday night I get a call fairly late at night from my sister in law (a surgeon and our family health consultant, who I always get along with well).  She had gotten a call from my mother in law, who was really worked up and worried about my wifes health (ie; flipping out).  (note my wife did go into the ER to get it checked out, because its about an hour drive to her regular doc and the ER was fine).  I guess there was a concern that she was in physical crisis mode, on the edge of passing out, etc etc.

Now my wife can really dramatize when sick and these days I get less and less sucked into feeding it.  This time we left her alone to get some sleep and rest.  But the SIL was describing a complete meltdown by MIL ('lots and lots of drama', who has been talking on the phone with my wife, and SIL had been instructed to call me to address the crisis.  I explained and she got it.

Then last night I get a call from the MIL directly - where I explained that yep we are sick, nope there is nothing to do about it.  Yep, sometimes people die from the flu (she had heard of a couple cases recently where someone had died).  But we are healthy and relatively strong so will go with the rest and fluids route and fight it off.  Yes this is what the doctor said.  Etc etc.

Also with the SIL, I had to explain that my wife doesnt handle discomfort very well (which she knew), and that the MIL doesnt do a very good job handling her own emotions (which SIL definitely knew already).

But it just brought it all home.  My wife has never learned how to handle her emotions.  To self soothe, etc, because thats not at all what was modeled for her growing up.  In her 70's the MIL is still having meltdowns due to catastrophizing and letting emotions get the best of her.  Over the holidays I was very aware that my wifes NPD/BPD traits jack way up when around her mom.  A big part of the source of it, and consistent with the concept that emotional development was stymied early in childhood.

As I am able to sit back and see things from a little distance, I see more and more of the pieces contributing.  It allows me to engage more calmly and effectively - essentially providing an anchor for the MIL in this case (she wasnt all that satisfied, but I didnt give her much choice either)  Now... .  not exactly sure what to DO with this knowledge, since Im not going to try to get in the way of my wife interacting with her mother.  But its another piece.

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[Highlander]

My husband has diagnosed BPD.  During his mental health assessment, the mental heath workers took me into a separate room and questioned me intently about the events that led up to his mental breakdown (psychosis which lasted several weeks) and subsequent attempt of suicide. 

They were very interested when I explained to them that almost every self harm episode my husband had during his many weeks of psychosis as well as the trigger that brought on his psychosis, kept relating back to what his mother had been saying to him.  Mostly untrue, negative things about me.

She was the trigger!

Her behavior, what she was saying to her son, etc helped the doctors to diagnose my husband with BPD.

Since then, many health professionals have told me that they are pretty sure that his mother has undiagnosed BPD and that is what largely contributed with why my husband now has it.

It is now life threatening for my husband to spend any time with his mother.  We spent some time apart from her but it hurts him not to see his mother.  If only we could tell her that she is mentally sick and that is why her son is mentally sick.  But it is not worth the backlash, so we just need to continue using the skills outlined in the BPD books which is to create boundaries between ourselves and the people that are triggers and to continue to teach my husband skills to control his anger.

It's not easy as she has never apologized to me for phoning me up the night my husband was taken to hospital by ambulance to scream down the phone at me and tell me it was all my fault.  I risked my life to save her son's that day and that is not what you want to hear when you have already been through too much in one day. 

[briefcase]

Interesting observation Yeeter.  My MIL does not have BPD, but I see traits in her that my wife has magnified to an extreme degree.  MIL is a classic enabler, first for her alcoholic husband, and now for her 50-year-old alcoholic son.  My wife's childhood was scarred by alcholism, neglect and emotional abuse--she comes by her problems honestly.

Over the years, I have never really pressed my wife about her childhood or the role her parents played in her troubles.  I figure that's for her to figure out if/when she chooses to look at herself.  Honestly, I think she knows all this and just never really dealt with it.

By the way, it sounds like you did a nice job defusing the situation with your MIL.        

[yeeter]

The learnings from here definitely helped keep it under control. (at least to me). And I'm sure there is a way to workit into some of the conversations with my wife.  Simply an observation that her mothers emotions spin out of control is useful and I've already mentioned this and my wife agreed. (talking about things in others can sometimes allow a reminder to ourself).  As long as it isn't judgmental or threatening

And I'm hoping this recognition helps in the moment, when her and her mother are spinning each other out of control... .    I'm not trying to push my wife into exploring it.  Simply an observation to help me manage the symptoms that affect me or my children.

[Wrongturn1]

Or in my uBPDw's case it starts with dad... .    her dad is strongly NPD (mom is codependent enabler type).  Dad managed to create such an invalidating environment in the home that the kids all have emotional regulation problems now.  Oldest daughter is undiagnosed NPD/BPD (has major problems - more than my W actually), middle daughter idunno, youngest daughter is my uBPDw, and the only son struggles with anxiety.