Oh... help. She's coming tonight with a bomb to drop on me.

[weird_lover_wilde]

Hi Everyone,

I need some advice.  First: very quick history:

Mom is diagnosed BPD.  Great young mother but in the last 10 years has become *very* crippled with BPD.  She also has a substance abuse problem.  She complains ad nauseum about illness and physical issues... .  which never get resolved (tests show nothing).  She's attempted suicide twice (the attempts are dubious--but they had the desired result), she's gone through psychiatrist after social worker after psychyatrist, has little insight into her illness and is a very non-compliant patient.  When she's in therapy she complains loudly and eventually "fires" the therapist or simply stops going... .  or quits... .  or "graduates" (that was a lie)... .  

She's been in therapy for the last few months but things have been falling apart:  she's been missing appointments, tried to quit numerous times, she went to hospital for vague extreme pain (which she claimed was a kidney stone that didn't show up on any scans or tests) and ended up home pumped full of morphine (i.e. drug seeking again)

When she's not in therapy she is terrifying.  Her substance abuse gets out of control. Because she's not attending any appointments and she doesn't have a job and is profoundly bored and will spend days in bed, locked in her room either high or coming down.  She denies doing *any* drugs, even though it's obvious her monthly trips to her childhood home have some convenient drug contacts.  She becomes even more emotionally unstable than she already is. 

My dad is enabling, but only because his strength has been worn down to a nub.  He has heart problems (recently hospitalized--hospitalized 2x in the last 6 months).  He says let her do what she wants--I don't care anymore.  He is unhappy. 

He dreads when we rock the boat.  He needs support to survive.

So: Here is my question.  Mom's behaviour is suggesting to me that she is preparing to quit group therapy and that she and my dad have made an arrangement for her to go to her childhood home for one week per month (something she can't do with therapy) and everything will be fine because it's something they both want to do.

Do you know how I know this will happen?  Something like this happens every 10 months or so.  It's a cycle I've become familiar with--but am helpless to divert for fear of hurting my father (who I love--if I can't bring joy to his life, who will?).

Mom has asked to come by my apartment tonight for a "sleepover" and she has things that she's been thinking about and wants to talk to me about.  When (because I'm 99% certain she will) she says, "Your father and I have made this arrangement--I'm going to [hometown] to visit my mother [she still doesn't acknowledge her drug abuse, and we are not supposed to acknowledge it either].  But I wont' be going to therapy any more.  We both think this is for the best"

What do I respond?  How do I act?  What do I do?  I want to go NC right away.  My stomach is in knots thinking about it.  Any advice appreciated and thank you for reading my post.

o

Julia

[Rose Tiger]

Hey WLW,

Would it be ok to only validate and not try to talk her out of it or anything like that?  I mean, say things like, oh, I see, sounds like the plan is changing, ok.  No emotion, and letting her say her stuff with no judgment.  You can go to town in your thoughts (oh no! this is not good for dad!) but keep those to yourself.  When she says that treatment isn't working, say oh, that is a bugger, sorry it didn't work out for you.  Those types of things?

Does that sound like a plan?

[weird_lover_wilde]

Thank you for your quick response!

Validating her would be a way to make it through the night.  But none of her problems are being solved.  Or my father's.  I think therapy is a good idea--it keeps her relatively out of trouble, gives consistency to her life, gives my father respite... .  you know?

And by validating her am I not saying, "Your drug use is fine; your lying is fine; you can do whatever you want to do regardless of who it hurts"?

She wrings me every 10 months like clockwork. 

[Rose Tiger]

I know what you mean.  Well, think about it, if you suggested she not drop therapy, what are the odds that she will listen?  You see the cycle and it's been out of your power to change it.  Maybe it's time to let it go and let the chips fall where they may.

It really is her decision and it's your dad's choice to stay in the relationship.  I know it's hard to let it go.  I've found that the only person I have control over is myself.  Learning that I have some choices on what people I want to have in my life and learning how to protect my peace and well being.

Validation isn't necessarily agreeing, it's more "I hear what you are saying, lots of people would feel the same in your position".  It's not saying, hey that is a great idea.  It's being a mirror and not a sponge.  She is upset perhaps, that doesn't mean you need to feel upset. 

[GeekyGirl]

Validation isn't necessarily agreeing, it's more "I hear what you are saying, lots of people would feel the same in your position".  It's not saying, hey that is a great idea.  It's being a mirror and not a sponge.  She is upset perhaps, that doesn't mean you need to feel upset. 

This is a great point. By validating your mother's feelings, WLW, you're not agreeing with her--you're making her feel heard and understood.

I can understand your apprehension. Are you ok with having a "sleepover" or could you limit the visit to a few hours? How do you thinkthat you'll react to your mother's news?

I also agree with Rose Tiger that the relationship between your parents is really between them. It's clear that you want them to be healthy and happy (especially your father), but it's up to them to work on their relationship. If your father is choosing to enable your mother, as hard as it is for you, that's his decision.

Good luck today--we're here if you need us.