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Author Topic: recycled - does that make you unlucky?  (Read 11743 times)
seeking balance
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« on: January 11, 2013, 08:32:18 PM »

Do you wonder why you ended up in a BPD relationship?  Are you unlucky?  Is it unfair? 

New folks on the leaving board - time for my all time favorite post ... .  are you unlucky or emotionally undisclined?

Quote from: 2010 on July 28, 2010, 05:17:01 AM

Quote

If I were a lucky person he would not engage me in a conversation, but I am not usually so lucky.

What does luck have to do with intent? Nothing. What does luck have to do with willpower? Nothing. If it is your intention to engage him in conversation, luck (or bad luck as it appears) is only an excuse to continue dialogue with a person that hurt you.

Having to be in the same place with him is nothing less than having to go grocery shopping while you're on a diet. You dont go into a supermarket and find yourself in the cookies and candy aisle because you're unlucky.  You might want to tempt fate and walk the aisle to prove something to yourself- but for the most part- that's setting yourself up in order to fail- and it's your addictive brain talking *instead* of your rational reason. The addictive brain loves to blame bad decisions on "luck."

If you happen down that cookie/candy aisle without thought, and then pick up a box of Hostess *Ding Dongs* just to sniff them- you'll find out pretty quickly that one sniff leads to a touch, and a touch leads to a read of the label, then... .  the Ding Dong gets thrown into the cart. What's it going to hurt? Certainly the Ding Dong wants this, right? The Ding Dong says, "why hello, you've obviously been thinking about me. You obviously care. And I care too- I care that I have you right where I want. What a coincidence you walked down this aisle. To see me? Now, touch me, tell me how you like my new bald headed snowball wrapper- ssssh- don't speak- take me Home... .  "

Addictive thought doesn't want you to think about the first defense (dont go down the aisle) BUT if you find yourself in the aisle, do not loiter- do not make small talk. Get away- do your business shopping and LEAVE. Do not sniff the Ding Dong, do not touch the Ding Dong and do not read the label to figure out if Ding Dong's ingredients are healthy. They are not. He is a Ding Dong. A ding dong is only empty calories- and if you take a bite you will get a sugar high only to crash and burn later with nothing to show for it.

Put the Ding Dong Down.


What do you do to stay emotionally disciplined and not get recycled?  (I used to read this post & 10 false beliefs over and over).
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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2013, 09:20:29 PM »

Well, now if I just tell myself "He is a Ding Dong" over and over, it makes me want to stay away. Empty calories is an excellent way to explain it. And with the empty calories comes the guilt, bloating, and heavy feeling.

Loved reading this! 
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gina louise
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2013, 09:31:43 PM »

seeking balance

Asked us:

What do you do to stay emotionally disciplined and not get recycled? 

I stay busy. I create errands, projects, cleaning tasks.

I stay connected to people who value me, see me, really hear me.

I try new things that my stbxBPDh would have hated, scorned, frowned upon-and I have fun doing them!

I avoid initiating any but the most necessary contact. When I am forced to-I keep it concise, non emotional. Stick to the facts.

I don't engage in nostalgia, reminiscing or wondering how it is "now" with my stbxBPDh.

He didn't care enough to cherish me, support me, value me. I keep that in mind.

I remember the horrid, vindictive and cruel way he forced me out of the home we shared. I was terrorized. And after that terribly confused.

Now I am simply Self Protective. Self Aware. I owe that to myself, to my healing.

Smiling (click to insert in post)

GL

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morningagain
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« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2013, 07:43:51 AM »

SB,

this is hilarious!  I can just imagine Dan Akroyd as Sgt Joe Friday ordering me "Sir.  Just set the Ding Dong down, and back away.  Nobody has to get hurt here"

I moved 1400 miles away.  Do my best to stay no contact.  I do not trust myself with her.  Occasionally, I replay in my mind some of the "outrageous mundane" memories - the day to day stuff that made life perpetually miserable.  Sometimes I replay the off the charts outrageous incidents.  Sometimes i remind myself how lucky i am to escape the r/s - if i would have stayed death or prison seemed inevitable.

For myself, I do not see how i could have possibly stayed away if there had not been 1400 miles of actual distance between us.  Five months now, and I would not want to chance living near her still - she is what she is and will do what she does, but I suspect I would be unable to control my own behaviors.  As it is, i still cannot concentrate on work, i am way too emotional.

the very best thing i can say about my life now is that she is nowhere near me and we have no contact.  at least i have the freedom now to include new people and new activities in my life - so far the only one stopping me is me.
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« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2013, 09:54:44 PM »

I kept a journal (because my ex was my subordinate at work and I wanted a record of the things he was doing). I was reading stuff today from a year ago... .  wow, what a lot of craziness I allowed myself to live through! I am completely amazed by the day to day insanity I read! Do I really want that to start all over again?
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Changed4safety
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« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2013, 12:20:04 PM »

AHAHAHHAHA!  I LOL'd at this.  Wonderful post!  Thank you for the chuckle.

It is SO true.  I at least have realized that due to issues in my FOO that I was raised to oblige.  If someone wanted something, of course I gave it to them.  No matter what it cost me, financially or emotionally.  My exBPDbf played me masterfully.  Even when he was clumsy and I could see it, see it right there in black and white (we mostly communicated by IMing, especially since I, too, moved 1,000 miles away) I would do what he wanted.  Even recently.  But there's much more awareness, a bit of holding back... .  a step at a time.  I am not yet strong enough to go NC.  LC is working for me, and also for him, although... .  growth!... .  what's best for him isn't really the main factor in my choices anymore.  Forward movement... .  Ding Dong. 
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gina louise
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« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2013, 01:01:49 PM »

SB,

sir,

I take umbrage at this b/c I really LIKE Ding Dongs! The snack cakes, I meant. Smiling (click to insert in post)

can't we call them something else nonsensical? like Periwinkles? or wing dings?

man... .  now I'm hungry... .  

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

GL
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toliveistofly
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« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2013, 01:24:52 PM »

What do you do to stay emotionally disciplined and not get recycled?  (I used to read this post & 10 false beliefs over and over).

I went NC back in October. I blocked her cell phone number. I blocked her, her friends, and her family on FB. She tried to contact me via email. I didn't respond. She showed up outside my house. I didn't answer the door. She tried calling from her work phone; I blocked her work phone. I politely let her know via email that she was blocked, and that if she showed up at my house again I would have her arrested.

Sometimes I do wonder what she is doing. But like previous posters, I typically relive the bad times, and the terrible times. I remind myself what life was like and also where the road I was on would lead me. She still lives in my city (as far as I know) and I know that I will run into her at some point. I hope I am strong enough to say hello and walk away; I know that I won't go further than that, I just don't want to show weakness by turning and running. I want to be able to look her in the eye, shake the hand of whatever new victim she is with, and continue on my way. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she hurt me over the 2 years we were together.

It's hard. But I know that I have no other choice. I am thankful for my friends and family because I think the fear of losing them was strong enough to pull me back from the brink with this woman.
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