Being visible

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I realized I have a talent for being invisible. I fostered this talent in order to disappear from my parents' and peer's view range. Basically it's a reversal of everything taught in the How to win friends and influence people.

The manual says to:

- give people eye contact.

- smile

- say the person's name

- make other people feel important.

- respond to their wants and needs.

So I:

- avoid eye contact

- Shrink my physical space/ignore most invasions.

- ignore what other people say like I didn't hear.

- avoid saying the person's name

- allow people to talk over me.

I realized the reason for this is pretty much when I was visible I was being yelled at or criticized by my parents or my peers in school. It's not the function of *not* liking doing it. It's not a function of being an introvert (I'm actually naturally extroverted, but scared more of the time into showing it), it's a built in defense mechanism and habit built out of fear. Since I was a kid I had dreams and wishes to be able to disappear. Also the only time I tired to be visible was purposefully attracting attention in order to divert attention from my younger sibling, which was entirely aware of when I was doing it, but there was a personal cost. That wish was granted, but the cost is high.

I am so good at it that people bump into me without realizing I'm there and I have to kinda adjust my sense of presence and ownership of the space, especially when I'm sleepy. It's so habitual that people ignore and talk over me like I don't exist--probably especially after my last boyfriend trained them into it, which I've been working on reversing, but it's so slow and I'm not winning.

I realized I can be really good at being actually visible and when I do do the things in the book people who see the other side will ask, "What is wrong? What changed?" as if they can't figure it out. I exert a change in space and I actually feel free doing it because I feel closer to my real self, but then at some point fear overcomes me and I shrink again. It's cost my ability to trust people and network. Being able not to network has cost me the ability to find new jobs and probably the ability to gain confidence in what I do. I've been trying to overturn it, but it's really, really difficult when I've been conditioned that the cost of being visible is being yelled at and picked on.

When I was a kid before I met my BPD Mom, the papers that came with me said I tended to feel deeply hurt when I was betrayed and shrink. It's still true, I just am very good at hiding that "weakness" 'cause it was prayed on by my BPD Mom. I picked the habit of being invisible after I met my BPD mom and got teased in school. It's easier to be invisible, though I don't particularly want to be.

Plus I have something that attracts NPD and BPD people to me and I haven't figured out what... .  which probably makes this whole being invisible thing much, much worse. Or they might be feeding off of each other in a really huge negative cycle.

I know it's ridiculous, I know what I did and that not everyone is that way, but I still can't seem to kick my butt into getting out of it. Which just leaves me with being frustrated with myself.

I probably need a therapist to get out of this cycle... .  but three so far that didn't work coupled with my awareness that I'm tired of fighting, got shaky trust issues, and I don't have the financial resources and I feel stuck. I tend to feel burned easily, so I'm scared of the next one failing and then having to talk myself out of distrusting completely. You can be aware of things, but still not be able to control/influence your behavior. I need the second one.

Yeah, self aware (Also built in defense mechanism), but I fail to have the tools to get around my issues. It's touch and go.

[DesertChild]

I realized I have a talent for being invisible. I fostered this talent in order to disappear from my parents' and peer's view range. Basically it's a reversal of everything taught in the How to win friends and influence people.

The manual says to:

- give people eye contact.

- smile

- say the person's name

- make other people feel important.

- respond to their wants and needs.

So I:

- avoid eye contact

- Shrink my physical space/ignore most invasions.

- ignore what other people say like I didn't hear.

- avoid saying the person's name

- allow people to talk over me.

I realized the reason for this is pretty much when I was visible I was being yelled at or criticized by my parents or my peers in school. It's not the function of *not* liking doing it. It's not a function of being an introvert (I'm actually naturally extroverted, but scared more of the time into showing it), it's a built in defense mechanism and habit built out of fear. Since I was a kid I had dreams and wishes to be able to disappear. Also the only time I tired to be visible was purposefully attracting attention in order to divert attention from my younger sibling, which was entirely aware of when I was doing it, but there was a personal cost. That wish was granted, but the cost is high.

I am so good at it that people bump into me without realizing I'm there and I have to kinda adjust my sense of presence and ownership of the space, especially when I'm sleepy. It's so habitual that people ignore and talk over me like I don't exist--probably especially after my last boyfriend trained them into it, which I've been working on reversing, but it's so slow and I'm not winning.

I realized I can be really good at being actually visible and when I do do the things in the book people who see the other side will ask, "What is wrong? What changed?" as if they can't figure it out. I exert a change in space and I actually feel free doing it because I feel closer to my real self, but then at some point fear overcomes me and I shrink again. It's cost my ability to trust people and network. Being able not to network has cost me the ability to find new jobs and probably the ability to gain confidence in what I do. I've been trying to overturn it, but it's really, really difficult when I've been conditioned that the cost of being visible is being yelled at and picked on.

When I was a kid before I met my BPD Mom, the papers that came with me said I tended to feel deeply hurt when I was betrayed and shrink. It's still true, I just am very good at hiding that "weakness" 'cause it was prayed on by my BPD Mom. I picked the habit of being invisible after I met my BPD mom and got teased in school. It's easier to be invisible, though I don't particularly want to be.

Plus I have something that attracts NPD and BPD people to me and I haven't figured out what... .  which probably makes this whole being invisible thing much, much worse. Or they might be feeding off of each other in a really huge negative cycle.

I know it's ridiculous, I know what I did and that not everyone is that way, but I still can't seem to kick my butt into getting out of it. Which just leaves me with being frustrated with myself.

I probably need a therapist to get out of this cycle... .  but three so far that didn't work coupled with my awareness that I'm tired of fighting, got shaky trust issues, and I don't have the financial resources and I feel stuck. I tend to feel burned easily, so I'm scared of the next one failing and then having to talk myself out of distrusting completely. You can be aware of things, but still not be able to control/influence your behavior. I need the second one.

Yeah, self aware (Also built in defense mechanism), but I fail to have the tools to get around my issues. It's touch and go.

[Surnia]

Hi DesertChild

I can relate with your post. I have a long, long tradition to be invisible. I don't know exactly if it is related with my bipolar mom (with N traits too). It got definitely worse in adolescence, i think this had more influence on me.

it's a built in defense mechanism and habit built out of fear.

Yes. Very valid for me. And when I am not in defense mode, I have the habit being invisible and cannot easy break it... .   

You said it: Insight is not enough. You are like me in contact with yourself. You can see it clearly. Action is needed. We have to move our butt... .  Luckely my T gaves me homework on this. I have to do things, like going out for special tasks or I have to talk assertive with her by role playing as a example.

What I can say from myself: It is really hard work to come out of this. On one side I have to be patient, it is not done with one thing being more visible, and on the other side I have to be not to nice with me. Being to nice/patient let me slip again in the invisible mouse whole... .  

[DesertChild]

Hi DesertChild

I can relate with your post. I have a long, long tradition to be invisible. I don't know exactly if it is related with my bipolar mom (with N traits too). It got definitely worse in adolescence, i think this had more influence on me.

it's a built in defense mechanism and habit built out of fear.

Yes. Very valid for me. And when I am not in defense mode, I have the habit being invisible and cannot easy break it... .   

You said it: Insight is not enough. You are like me in contact with yourself. You can see it clearly. Action is needed. We have to move our butt... .  Luckely my T gaves me homework on this. I have to do things, like going out for special tasks or I have to talk assertive with her by role playing as a example.

What I can say from myself: It is really hard work to come out of this. On one side I have to be patient, it is not done with one thing being more visible, and on the other side I have to be not to nice with me. Being to nice/patient let me slip again in the invisible mouse whole... .  

Exactly.

Even when I am not in defense mode, it slips out naturally, making me feel awkward because I don't view that as my definition of self. I have to be aware that I'm doing it in order to reverse it, but when I'm reversing it, I feel guilty for reversing it even though I feel more comfortable in reversing it than being naturally invisible. Making me feel a bit screwed and out of place no matter what I do... .  And I *know* that's wrong and I have a right to being visible, but I still can't seem to get around it.

Probably need therapy for the guilt, since I have the tools to be visible, but I'm afraid to assert it most of the time. What kind of therapy would that be? I got the cognition down, I need the action and undoing the habit I put in place on purpose.

[gina louise]

DesertChild,

when I was a teen I spent two years not talking to anyone but my family members-and only IF spoken to.

The worst part was NOBODY noticed! Not even my FOO, as I was still talking to them, in a cursory fashion.

I finally broke free of whatever was haunting me at the time... .  

but yeah. I was invisible and I felt it, and it's been a challenge for me as an adult too.

I'm not a joiner now, but not exactly a loner either.

And I made a career in Customer Service management which meant dealing nonstop with people all day long. That helped me break the mold a LOT.

Maybe find a PT job or volunteer where you must practice the daily interactions? It helps you feel more normal acting outside your comfort zone, and becomes second nature.

GL

[DesertChild]

What type of therapy would train for visibility? I mean DBT, CBT, etc... .  

[ambi]

I would think any mode of therapy would allow you to start practicing the new behaviors you want in the safety of the office space and then begin to take them into other areas of your life. 

Do you think you could do group therapy - being visible in a group of other people working on their personal growth?