Thinking of making contact with exBPD

[happiness68]

Has anyone thought to contact their exBPD after a break up of a few months and no contact?  That's what I'm thinking.  I'm miserable without him.  I feel on such a low.  I still want to work things out.  There's a part of me that tells me I must be mad, but a big part that reminds me of the good times.  I think the only reason I don't do it is just in case he may ignore me or agree to meet me only to reject me.  I'm so sure he was still in love with me when we split and for that reason I feel like I'm not willing to let it go.  I also know that in because of his stubborn behaviour, he would probably never contact me even if he wanted to because he would feel it was a weakness.  Has anyone felt like this, acted on it and what was the outcome?

[FoolishOne]

Happiness68... .  I can't say that your journey will be like mine (or anyone else's for that matter), but statistics do not appear to bode well for successful comebacks.

If your ex truly is BPD, they aren't on the same page as you are.  Your ideals are not theirs... .  your motivations are not theirs.  You are a means to an end... .  I know that seems harsh, but BPD is incredibly harsh.

Ask yourself if it will be worth it to go back... .  will it be worth it to always be wrong, to be on the business end of double standards, to be accused of the horrible things they do... .  Will it be worth it to have ruined holidays, ruined vacations and ruined family events.  Will it be worth to start accessing this website on a regular basis just to get by... .  and in the end... .  there is a stong chance that they will be the one that ends it because you'll have nothing left to give.

I truly wish you well and hope your life goes the way you want it to.  All I can say is that I wish to God that I never meant my BPDw.  Since her arrival, my life has been turmoil, chaos and misery, intertwined with incredible sex.  In the end, the sex wasn't worth it.



F1

[happiness68]

Thanks FoolishOne - I don't know if this is just a phase of getting over my exBPD or if it's what I really want.  Right now it feels like it's what I want. What you say is true.  I know it will be very hard work.  It's funny you mention ruined holidays and family events.  I just realised that I experienced that too.  Why is it that they do that? Do you know? I've never understood it.

[FoolishOne]

It's what they do... .  I am reminded of the story of the scorpion and the turtle... .  let me know if you'd like me to relay it to you... .  it is soo BPD!

F1

[happiness68]

I don't know that story.  Yes, please relay it to me.  Thanks FoolishOne.

[FoolishOne]

A turtle was happily swimming along a river when a scorpion called it from the shore.

"Hey turtle!" called the scorpion. "Please let me climb upon your back and swim me to the other side of the river, the forest is on fire and I will die otherwise!"

"No," replied the turtle, "for if I do, you shall sting me, and I shall die."

"Nonsense!" replied the scorpion. "If I sting you in the middle of the river, you shall sink, and I shall drown and die with you."

The turtle thought this over, and saw the truth of the scorpion's statement. He let the scorpion on his back and began swimming towards the other side of the river. Halfway across, he felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck... .  the scorpion had stung him

"Why have you stung me?" cried the turtle as his body began to stiffen. "Now you shall die as well!"

"Because it is in my nature," replied the scorpion as the turtle and the scorpion sank beneath the waters

[happiness68]

I've never heard that before.  I suppose that's what they do.  Thanks for that.  Do you think it's a bit like self destruct?

[FoolishOne]

My research indicates that they can't help it... .  it's almost a survival technique... .  they so desperately need affirmation that they will seek it out at all costs... .  

[FogLight]

Is it what you want because of how you feel?  If so, I can assure you that will change in time, but it's going to take a conscious effort on your part.  I definitely went through a phase of wanting my BPDex back, and she was TERRIBLE, but wanting her back was all related to how I was feeling.  I had to really exercise some discipline to not reach out.  My heart and brain were at war, but I can tell you now I'm damn happy that my brain won.

My suggestion is to give it time.  If you're still in the grieving stages, then let it happen without repressing anything.  If you have inner work to do, focus on that for a while, the benefits are priceless.  After some time has passed when you've worked through all the emotions and have focused on yourself for a while, then see how you feel.  At that point you may even be repulsed by the idea of going back for more, dead serious.  There are MUCH better options than the emotional chaos of a relationship with a pwBPD.

[happiness68]

I've researched too ;-)  :)o you mean that they need affirmation that they're loved?  If so, why on earth would they then leave?  Mind you, saying that I know that my exbfBPD told people that he's never felt so unloved and worthless as when he was with me, which really is a load of rubbish.  

I sent him a letter NY Eve reiterating how much I loved him.  I started saying how I hoped he'd had a lovely Christmas and spent time with his children and also how I'd had thoughts of him and had missed him. I then went on with a paragraph about how I was kissing goodbye to 2012 I had thoughts of us and memories and wrote down a few funny things that had happened to us on holidays and things - things to make him smile.  The final paragraph said how he'd had me from hello and I wish he'd seen that and could have looked inside my head and heart and felt what I did. I signed it off there and added a little phrase at the end about life being short and to forgive in life, love in life and never walk away from things that make you smile.  I didn't hear from him.  I don't know if that's because he thought it would punish me or because he thought I was saying goodbye.  I didn't expect a reply if I"m honest.  I didn't feel disappointed.  I felt relieved that I'd sent it.  I wanted to reiterate that he had been loved and I didn't want him thinking he could walk away feeling unloved and the victim if that makes sense?

[FoolishOne]

Well said Foglight

[happiness68]

Foglight - you could be right, but for me, I mainly think it's because there was no closure.  I've never experienced that before and find it very strange.  The day we broke up, we'd had a great day and I even remember that morning when he thought I was asleep and he kissed the top of my back and said to me that he loved me.  It sticks with me.  I know they don't love the way we do, but it was there for him no matter what.  Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

[FoolishOne]

BPD's are a magnet drawn to affirmation and when they sense that affirmation is disingenuous, they will desperately seek it elsewhere.  Their self-worth, self-esteem and self-image is bankrupt and need to gain validation from others... .  even to the extent that they'll jeopardize their careers, their relationships and their way of life to sustain that.

[happiness68]

He was so very loved you know.  Do you think it just wasn't enough for him and it never would have been?  He will be the same with the next one and the one after that?  He was married for 20 years, separated though when I met him and had been for 18 months.  During those 18 months he went from one woman to another every few months - would that have been the same thing - they didn't make him feel like that?  We were together for 2 1/2 years.

[FoolishOne]

Closure is hard to find in a BPD breakup.  It just isn't in their DNA.  They feel so violated and betrayed that they are left reeling find another target.  I have a similar example... .  We had a great Christmas Eve and by Dec 29th, we are separated again and not speaking.  She's painted me black and NC for three days straight.  I lost control and now I'm being punished.

[FoolishOne]

I have the belief that it will never be enough for them. No matter what you do... .  it will never be what they need to make up for their incredible internal pain and anguish they feel every day.

[happiness68]

FoolishOne that's just what always happened with us.  I think I question myself and wonder if I'd tried harder.  Then I start thinking how it could be me that's suffering with something like BPD, but then I know that I haven't cut someone out like he has, so he is the one with the BPD.  I feel crazy at times.  Do you think he would respond to my contact?

[happiness68]

Yes the victim role.  Why are they like this though?  Is it relating to their childhood?  Did they lack attention?  Get too much attention?  It's odd but my exbfBPD told me that he had this great relationship with his mother.  I was told by his brother however when we split they they had a volatile relationship. Perhaps he relives that?

[FoolishOne]

Living with a pwBPD will eventually question your sanity. As early as tonight I was wondering if maybe I am the one to blame.  My honest opinion here for you happiness 68... .  save yourself.  The best thing that could possibly happen is that if you do try to make contact, he doesn't respond.  You have a lot of emotional pain, sleepness nights, mental anguish and hurt feelings awaiting you... .  If you can stomach multiple affairs, never being right in an argument and an imbalanced relationship, then go back to him... .  If you have something to offer someone that appreciates you and can love you unconditionally, (which I'm sure you do)... .  thank God that you doin't have children with him and move on.

[happiness68]

You describe him there as if you know him.  He didn't have affairs, but if ever things were bad, I know he consider going out there to find someone or going on a dating site.  I knew him so very well you see and knew his patterns.  When we first me he told me that he'd left his ex wife because he'd fallen out of love.  I accepted that  Later I discovered that one of the major playing cards in that was that one night when they were out with a group of his friends he told his friends that women needed passion and this is how you treat a woman, with that kissed two of his friends wives full on (in front of his wife and their husbands).  He always said he thinks that's what broke the camels back.  I'm not surprised.  I'd have been so upset if I were her.  Poor woman.  I think he did that to push her away in his own way.  I'll never forget thinking how must she have felt. I still do.  It's almost like a cry for help on the BPD part, a cry for attention.  Do you agree?

[FoolishOne]

I can't possibly imagine what it's like to be in the BPD head... .  but I agree that they are crying for help all the time, but believes no one feels their pain.  Finding solace in another's arms is only a temporary relief, but relief nonetheless.  They ratioanlize and justify their actions with such clarity, conviction and with such callous.  My BPDw was amazing at turning around things to make me the offender... .  even when I caught her red-handed... .  They would make amazing trial lawyers.

[SurvivedLove]

Has anyone thought to contact their exBPD after a break up of a few months and no contact?  That's what I'm thinking.  I'm miserable without him.  I feel on such a low.  I still want to work things out.  There's a part of me that tells me I must be mad, but a big part that reminds me of the good times.  I think the only reason I don't do it is just in case he may ignore me or agree to meet me only to reject me.  I'm so sure he was still in love with me when we split and for that reason I feel like I'm not willing to let it go.  I also know that in because of his stubborn behaviour, he would probably never contact me even if he wanted to because he would feel it was a weakness.  Has anyone felt like this, acted on it and what was the outcome?

Hi happiness68.

I have been where you are. Last year in June, after 3 months on NC, I crumbled and asked him if we could try again. Even thought I knew for certain that he was gonna hurt me again, I figured that the good I had seen in him would be worth it, so we could overcome HIS insecurities and fears together and he could turn back into the amazing man I fell in love with.

He also had me believing that he still loved me. Heck, he told MY friend that he still did, that he regretted so deeply and that he wished for contact so I'd forgive him and maybe give him another chance. THAT was what broke my resolve to keep NC.

The outcome? Another 5½ months of swingdoor love, of insecurities, of learning the hard way. He'll never love anyone, because he doesn't love himself, he doesn't value himself and he sure as Hell doesn't care about anything BUT making himself feel better deep down.

If you want, you can read my thread in the welcome forums, I'll send you the link in a PB. I have written everything down in detail for the first time and the second dance with him was a volatile and cruel in many ways as the first.

I'd advice against it. Unless he goes into treatment and you give it a few years to have effect, for him to learn to be a "normal" human being.

If you decide to do it anyways, it looks like this site has a load of good info on HOW to deal with a BPD and I'll suggest you use that info to the fullest. Because it can be a hard road to no where to thread onto.

Hugs.

[happiness68]

FoolishOne - "trial lawyers" that made me laugh, although it isn't really funny.  It's very true.  I don't know quite how they manage to turn it all around.  I guess that's where our doubts come in. 

I can't possibly imagine what it's like to be in the BPD head... .  but I agree that they are crying for help all the time, but believes no one feels their pain.  Finding solace in another's arms is only a temporary relief, but relief nonetheless.  They ratioanlize and justify their actions with such clarity, conviction and with such callous.  My BPDw was amazing at turning around things to make me the offender... .  even when I caught her red-handed... .  They would make amazing trial lawyers.

[happiness68]

SurvivedLove - Thank you.  Yes please.  I'd be interested to read your thread.  I will read anything that will help me.  I miss him so very much.  He may very well turn round and choose to ignore me or reject me.  I was told that he was seeing someone two weeks after I broke up.  I can imagine he still is.  That could change my situation slightly and not give it the outcome that yours had.  I know it's probably part of the getting over an exbfBPD, but I hate giving up anything, especially some that I loved so very much and still do.  It really does break my heart.

Has anyone thought to contact their exBPD after a break up of a few months and no contact?  That's what I'm thinking.  I'm miserable without him.  I feel on such a low.  I still want to work things out.  There's a part of me that tells me I must be mad, but a big part that reminds me of the good times.  I think the only reason I don't do it is just in case he may ignore me or agree to meet me only to reject me.  I'm so sure he was still in love with me when we split and for that reason I feel like I'm not willing to let it go.  I also know that in because of his stubborn behaviour, he would probably never contact me even if he wanted to because he would feel it was a weakness.  Has anyone felt like this, acted on it and what was the outcome?

Hi happiness68.

I have been where you are. Last year in June, after 3 months on NC, I crumbled and asked him if we could try again. Even thought I knew for certain that he was gonna hurt me again, I figured that the good I had seen in him would be worth it, so we could overcome HIS insecurities and fears together and he could turn back into the amazing man I fell in love with.

He also had me believing that he still loved me. Heck, he told MY friend that he still did, that he regretted so deeply and that he wished for contact so I'd forgive him and maybe give him another chance. THAT was what broke my resolve to keep NC.

The outcome? Another 5½ months of swingdoor love, of insecurities, of learning the hard way. He'll never love anyone, because he doesn't love himself, he doesn't value himself and he sure as Hell doesn't care about anything BUT making himself feel better deep down.

If you want, you can read my thread in the welcome forums, I'll send you the link in a PB. I have written everything down in detail for the first time and the second dance with him was a volatile and cruel in many ways as the first.

I'd advice against it. Unless he goes into treatment and you give it a few years to have effect, for him to learn to be a "normal" human being.

If you decide to do it anyways, it looks like this site has a load of good info on HOW to deal with a BPD and I'll suggest you use that info to the fullest. Because it can be a hard road to no where to thread onto.

Hugs.

[SurvivedLove]

Hi happiness68.

I'm getting an error when I try to click your profile, so I'll give you the link here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192158.0

I know the feeling of missing him that you are going through. I did too, for a long time.

But then I started to ask myself "is it HIM you miss OR is it the guy that you fell in love with that you miss? Are those two different in your eyes? Where are the differences? WHO is it really you miss?". That was when I woke up a bit and saw what I really missed - the idea of him, the image of him he had taught me to believe in.

And yes, the missing is part of moving on. I think it is in all relationships, even with between non and non. We'll miss the good things, but we can carry them with us in our hearts, even if the love dies out or we just grow apart. But from what I've seen, missing a BPD is a lot more intense, because of the intense nature of the bond you have with them.

Your heart is broken now. Your souls is likely suffering too. And your spirit feels empty and dark. But it WILL get better. I promise.

It's tough and it takes time. And sometimes you'll wanna give up and throw yourself back at him. Just keep in mind that you find companions and friends here who knows your pain, knows your feelings and who can support you to stay true to yourself, so you'll ultimately get what you need: YOURSELF back. You.

Hugs.

[MeMeMe]

Hi Happyness

I would like to just share something with you. I have been where you are and although i know no 2 experiences are the same, it might help you to see what you may be going back to. I too had exactly the same feelings as you did. Over the 3 years we were together, i went back about 4 times in total. Each time, i was treated more severly and harshly than before. The honeymoon period was AMAZING - you know what im talking about right? How they look at you, it makes your heart pump. That overwhelming feeling of love for that person - a feeling you may have never had before! Yep that suckered me back a few times.

After a few weeks of niceness, the problems we had before resurfaced, but worse than before. i know what your thinking - he cant be all bad right? He has his nice side, and that side that you love soo much, is worth the horrible stuff that they dish out. Right? If your ex is like mine, i witnessed uncontrollable sobbing, pleading and harrassing me to go back. In our minds, if someone is that sorry, they mean it and will stick to the promises of change... right?

Im not going to make your post about me, but ill give you a short breakdown of what happened. We split up, we got back together with a promise of engagement, the inappropriate messages to other women (which were well hidden may i add) would stop and he would try to keep his rage under control. What happened? The messages started again within 4 weeks, his resentment towards me increased and the end result was we split again, he forced entry into my house, injured me and self harmed in front of me with a knife.

Please dont think i am making this about me or i have made this sound bad. This actually happened and i NEVER saw it coming. I did not think he was capable of it. What i am trying to say to you is, your situation may also spiral out of control. you have no idea of what you are really dealing with. If i knew then what i know now, i would have stayed out the first time. But i understand your love for this man is pulling you back.

Please think about it. What is the damage to your mental health? Can you deal with another break up? Yes the pain of splitting is IMMENSE. Your out now, is it better to carry on your journey and heal or throw yoruself back into it?

What i suggest is give yourself TIME. really sit and think about what you get from the relationship. Think about how he hurts you. spend a week or so really going over this stuff. Promise yourself you will ride the emotions out and see if you feel the same after a while?

Sorry this is a long post but if i could stop another person having to deal with this pain a lot of us know so well, its worth it!

[happiness68]

SurvivedLove I've just read your thread.  It's so very sad.  I'm so sorry about the baby I really am.

[happiness68]

MeMeMe your post isn't too long etc.  Thanks for your reply.  My exbfBPD isn't one of those who promises to change etc and begs to return and cries, since he really does believe I'm the one to blame for all this.  He always has.  I do hope that if we ever returned to be together that I could talk to him and get him to speak to someone for help.  I don't know if that would be possible, but then I haven't tried.  I don't think he would self harm.  It sounds like your situation was pretty bad.  As you say though, you hadn't realised yourself how bad things were until further down the line.  Thanks for your input and something to think about.  I wish you much love on your journey with how you must be feeling too.

[SurvivedLove]

SurvivedLove I've just read your thread.  It's so very sad.  I'm so sorry about the baby I really am.

I'm glad you read it. I know it was long and uyou may have recognized some of your own feelings there.

And I probably sound like a horrible person when I say this, but I am OK with the abortion. It really was the right thing to do, for the sake of the unborn child. It wouldn't have been right for me to bring a child into the world, knowing that it was likely to have severe damage physically and mentally from the start. Yes, it will always hurt a bit in my heart, because I am against abortion. But I try to look at what kind of life the baby would have had. And it wouldn't have been a life that I'd want to offer my child.

The other point for me is this; Imagine having a child with a BPD?

It would mean that I'd be forced to be forever within their reach somehow. Because of the child. I'd be subjected to his illness over and over again and my child would grow up, possibly learning from his behavior?

I'm sad about having to have an abortion, but I am more than just relieved to NOT need keeping a bond with him. I want to be free of him, completely.

But this thread is about you, not about me.

Did any of what I had written there feel like "OMG! That is ME!" to you?

Did any of the feelings, any of the AHA!-moments hit home?

Did any of my ex's behavior resemble the behavior of your xBPD?

How did reading it make you feel?

I have cried more reading this board in the past few days, than I did during the past 6 months. Because I recognized it all from my own relation. And THAT was the hardest, but also the best cookie to swallow.

You're not alone. None of us are as long as we come here and talk, offload, cry, smile and learn.

Stay strong. For you. YOU are what matters here.

[MeMeMe]

Thank you happyness, the same to you.

I tried this also. Trying to get someone to receive help for a problem they do not think they have is near impossible. He thinks your wrong and he is right. I imagine he is not going to assume your right about his illness? He will think you are wrong that he is ill and your request will be ignored.

My ex started out like this. He didnt give a damn if i was around or not, i didnt matter. But it did a 180 and it ended up being like it did.

I do hope you think about it. I know it doesnt seem like it now and i can empathise with how your feeling. Its like being in a hole, you can only see one way out, go back to him to make the pain stop. And it really is pain, like someone digging your heart out with a spoon. But i can promise you, it does get easier. Your life will be happy and you will look back on this with a different outlook altogether.