Aversive to touch and sex.

[BeHappyAgain]

Hello all.

I'm quite new here, my relationship ended over Christmas and I suspect my ex gf was uBPD (her mother was definately NPD).

The thing is this, during the last recycle (which was 5th, 6th or 7th!) my ex became totally aversive to sex and affection.

This was basically from the day after our engagement party to the end

[Feb - Dec 2012]I've not been able to find much about BPD's withholding sex online, only this

www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/BPD-hanning.htm

which briefly mentions it right at the end.

Has anyone else experienced this or know of any other posts on this site or externally regarding BPD's witholding sex (as part of devaluation and withdrawal stages I guess)?

Thanks - don't know why but it would help a lot to have the validation of seeing where it has been previously documented.

[bpdspell]

Be Happy Again,

In the devaluation stage of the BPD dance withholding sex is very common but really has nothing to do with you. As you understand BPD more you'll learn how to take her behavior less personal. Many people on here are stuck on the great sex they shared with their ex's but sex for them was never about mature reciprocal love. Sex is often used as a means to an end, a tool of control to get us to give them what they need and want. It isn't malicious it's more about how sex triggers them once vulnerability and intimacy are a part of the equation.  It stirs up all kinds of feelings of worthlessness, shame, and enmeshment.

My ex initially was a demon   in the bedroom but as we grew emotionally closer and intimacy was required he shut me down no questions asked. He honestly performed better when things were more mechanical and perfunctory. It was when I wanted to make love, like serious love... .  that's when devaluation went up ten notches. The nit picking fights became endless and the sex never graduated to the sustained level I desired. It is very terrifying for them to need other people.

Have you read the articles on how a Borderline love relationship evolves?

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Spell

[just me.]

Mine had a great deal of difficulty with sex.  She had been molested and sexually abused and raped many times in her life and it affected her greatly.  Our sex life was a challenge, and it was a HUGE source of shame and insecurity for her in our relationship.

Your situation sounds perhaps different.  Could you describe in more detail what you mean by "aversive" to affection?  What would she do when you made advances?  Did she seem overcome with negative emotions or did she simply seem uninterested?  Did the matter ever come up in fights and discussions?  Had she been very different in the time prior to the period you mention?  How so?

In some cases people will describe a pwBPD as "using" sex as a tool of manipulation and power.  In other cases, a lack of proper sexual health seems thoroughly intertwined with both the sources and symptoms of the disorder.

Physical intimacy with someone who is terrified/horrified of intimacy is a strange and intense combination.  Occasionally, our bed was a place where it felt like we knocked down walls and overcame something in a unique and powerful way.  Those heavenly moments of course now haunt me.

More often, our bed was a place where the walls were more clear and troublesome than anywhere else.  Those moments haunt me as well.

Please share more.  The importance of sex in all of our confusion and grief seems to me as though it cannot be overstated.  I think it's important to talk about it.

[goodguy]

Yup, the sex started fast and passionate, then my dBPDexgf cut off sex fairly quickly in. She claimed she was wanted to stop for religious reasons but I now know that was just the excuse. Towards the end, she also freaked out occasionally if I got too close to her physically. Claimed that she "didn't like people breathing on her." Also said towards the end that she didn't want to kiss me because she didn't like the way I kissed. Of course, when I went away on travel she would send me dirty messages and say she couldn't wait to "eat my face off."

These people are all the same

[drv3006]

My guy never even wanted to.  He would say stuff like "if you are good maybe I will have sex with you on your birthday"  But he never would have intercourse.  Everything else was fairgame.  But intercourse was not.  It made me feel awful.  Most men don't do that.  But he did.  He said he just didn't like be alone.  I think that's why he came over.  Just so he didn't have to sleep alone.  Sex was not there.

[heavenward]

Hi behappyagain

I thought I had posted this - but it isn't showing as a reply - apologies if you get this twice.

I have posted on this board for first time in over a year.  after 21 months of marriage I have separated from H.  in that time sex was a real problem,   we had sex less that a dozen times with the last being over 5 months ago.   at one point he told me he didn't want sex with me.

when you love and desire someone it is very difficult to understand why they don't feel the same.    but I learned that him not wanting sex was everything to do with him   and  not me.    I hope you can remember that too so it doesn't damage your self esteem.   these relationships are not normal or healthy     and you will not be on your own in the area of with holding or no interest in sex.

I wish you well.

[HostNoMore]

Behappyagain:

Welcome to your recovery.  You've come to the right place for support.  Take very good care of yourself and don't worry about anything as you will make it through this process.  Each month that passes will lead to a stronger and vastly happier Behappyagain.  

The first strange thing I noticed about my exBPDgf was that intimacy was not exactly her strong suite.  It was my first sign that something was just not quite right with this woman.  Mine would cycle from nymphomaniac sex machine to frigid ice queen and vice versa in mere minutes for no apparent reason.  It was crazy.  At that point, ol' HNM had no clue what a borderline was.

I remember thinking that every other woman that I'd been with was so much more feminine than this one.  I remember telling my friend that she approached sex like a guy, literally a caveman like almost mechanical style.  You could also tell that she was very uncomfortable with intimate touching too.  I will also go against the grain of common wisdom and categorically state that porno movie style BPD sex was the worst sexual experience that I've ever had. Even though it was fun at the time, it was also very sterile and dehumanizing.  Personally, I would never do BPD style sex ever again.

It really does not matter what the exact type BPD relationship is as they almost always play from eerily similar scripts.  The disorder just leads them to behave in these manners so never question yourself about anything that you were exposed to by yours.

[mitchell16]

The only time I noticed a slow down in sex in 2 years was about the last 6 weeks or so. Prior to that she was very sexual. But when ever she was stressed out the sex would start coming to a slow down. BUt not stop completely. Instead of twice day it might be once. Until liek I said about 6 weeks ago, she had death in her family and it came to a stand still. She was saying teh she was depressed and I was ok with that because I thought it probabley was caused from depression. Then she got on anti depressants and i was sure that was the problem. She would say somethings wrong we are not connecting sexual anymore. She wouldsay I just dont desire it. I would tell it probabley was depression and the anti depressant. But thinking back over the last two years everytime we was on the verge of the push away cycle the sex would come to a slow down and she would start using all kind of excuses such as having spiritual convictions. but it was very shortly after that I would get pushed away. This last time she got to were she wasnt into lots of kissing. And very shortley after she broke to news once again that she couldnt do this anymore.

[BeHappyAgain]

Wow – thanks to all for the helpful replies.

I’ll try to address the questions with a (confessional) post)

When I met her I hadn’t had sex for years.

I was six months out of a sexless relationship with a (beautiful) NPD woman.

Things started with sex on Monday afternoons (due to our shifts).

This was the first and last time we ever had regular sober sex. It lasted Aug – Nov 2008.

It was very intense.

Then the recycling started.

I got ditched in Nov 2008.

She contacted me and we got back together within a couple of days.

After that it was drunken sex on Saturday nights at my flat.

But yes it was pretty pornographic and totally unloving.

Not like other women at all.

I confused intensity with love, confused lust with love and caring.

There not the same.

This period lasted (despite a recycle or two) for about 18 months.

My T pointed out that we had substance abuser sex – because we were always drunk in bed.

Anyway I moved to a house that needed a lot of work and that damaged things.

Then I got majorly ditched in Feb 2011.

She had a new job. I know she was seeing someone else during this time.

It didn’t work out with this person and…

She contacted me July 2011 and I eagerly accepted.

About 6 months of ‘regular’ Saturday night sex followed (one or two more recycling episodes). I proposed in Dec 2011.

Engagement party in Feb 2012.

Sex stopped the following day.

I held on through 2012 foolishly hoping the original girl would return,.

Devauation and distance increased. – couldn’t even put my arm or leg on her in bed.

It used to hurt soo much to have my arm lifted off.

Got treated to another recycling episode in July 2012 (thats when I started seeing a therapist).

Discarded on 25th Dec 2012, given back the ring.

That’s it – what a toxic catalogue.

[wowjer]

I apologize if I make the wrong statement here, as I did not even read the post. I just read the subject and had to comment.

I was with my exuBPDw for 10 years. The basics are when I tried to be close to her and to I her over the last year or so, she would cringe. Seriously effing cringe. Such a mind eff. Then when I would pull away, she would try to come close, but not to the point where it would last longer than a day or two. Just enough to suck me back in. It was painful:


Sex: rare: every 4-6 weeks. But she would tease the hell out of me. Seriously tease. Bend over naked and promise sex that night then break the promise. Then at about 6 weeks I would flip out and she could sense I was tired of the crap and we would have fabulous sex. Then probably the next night: then the cycle would begin again.

I posted this part a long Ike ago:

I was so fed up, I stated that it seemed our sex problems were the primary problems of our relationship and suggested we refrain from sex. (This would be more of a problem for me than her since she constantly showed she had little interest). Well, that blew up in my face. She was pissed I would make such a suggestion "to deprive us both of sex". I chuckle now that I know that I was attempting to take her lower from her and she disapproved.

The abstinence never panned out. Instead she left again for another dude and gave me the kids most of the time.

Peace out ya crazy btch. I am tired of the insanity and power and control crap.

[wowjer]

Now that I read some posts I have to talk about "good guy" saying that his ex used to say that his other "couldn't stand people breathing on her".

I am laughing my ass off because I heard the same thing and also "I can't stand saliva". Huh, what? I didn't drool on my ex.

Oh I love that I am not alone

[Diana82]

Interesting thread topic... .  

My exgf had a very low libido.

I remember on our third date, she jumped me at a friend's party (after they all left) and fell asleep straight away after she orgasmed.

She seemed into sex for the first 3 weeks we were together.

And then seemed to lose interest. On Saturday nights, we'd come back to my place around 9.30-10pm and she'd just want to sleep as soon as we got into bed. And I was thinking... .  gee... you haven't been in my bed for a week and a half!

She was always so tired and run down. She was studying honours at the time, but I was working full time and stressed as well.

We only tended to have sex once every 2 weeks on average... sometimes longer without. And whenever we did, she'd fall asleep straight after.

We hadn't even been going out that long and it felt like we were an old married couple.  I also felt like a horny old man as I was always trying to initiate it. She rarely came on to me.

I remember though, when we went to my beach house or to a hotel for the night- she'd suddenly jump me again. But when we went home... things went back to her low libido.

I have a high libido... .  so naturally, this was hard for me.

I did ask her about it and she told me "I'm not sure why... .  I'm still very attracted to u though! Maybe I should take female viagra" (she said jokingly) 

But it didn't improve... months rolled by...

And then she revealed her depression issues to me... that she suffered from ongoing depression throughout her life. So I put it down to that.

[happiness68]

BeHappyAgain - I posted something on the same topic just yesterday.  Yes, my ex did this.  He withdrew sex and even touch when we had a short break and started seeing one another again. He told me that he wanted me to show him that I could be his friend before anything more.  I went along with it, though found it very hard not to touch.  I always touch the arm of the person I'm talking to etc.  It's a connection.  We were like that for about 6 weeks and then back to normal again, but he did just that.  It wasn't the first time he'd done it.  I feel like it was a sort of punishment for me to learn my lesson and keep me at arm's length, but I actually think he was hurting himself more than he was me, because he actually really needed that contact to feel loved from what I can now see looking back in hindsight.

[dancinginthelight]

Yes, my exbf certainly withdrew from sex... .  with me anyway, im still convinced he was

being sexual with another during my involvment with him.

He was very into me at the start of the r/s, loved to kiss and touch and he always seemed

very romantic and sexual.  The last year of the r/s, his famous last words were... .  

"Im knocking sex on the head, as you wont behave yourself"

He was able to become aroused but refused to let me touch him.  He used to say his libido was

down due to feeling depressed?  That was never an issue before. He suffered from depression before

I met him.

He claimed he was in love with me, found me attractive, etc, but only in words.  His actions proved

otherwise.  Made me feel so unattractive and that I must be disgusting. 

[wowjer]

I have to add that my ex would say "i think i am asexual".  She constantly went to the doctor and wanted labs drawn to check to see if her hormones were OK.  She went and had sleep studies done and ended up having a CPAP machine at 28 (even though she did not snore or have apnea).  She constantly blamed being so tired for the reason of her low libido. 

However, when she EFFED up and recognized that she did something bad, she would not apologize, she would seduce me, provide the best sex for a day, two, three, then it would go away yet again. 

I would confront her as the weeks went on and she again would blame being "asexual" or her medical problems as the problem with her libido.  I would negate her theory and remind her that when she does something bad, her sex drive seems to work great. 

When i started recognizing and calling her out on the crap, is when she began to devalue me again.  AND IN CAME MY REPLACEMENT.  FOR THE 3RD and LAST TIME. 

Sick thing of it all, i still miss the make up sex.  She is a disgusting human being and yet i am still sexually attracted to her.  Twisted my damn mind because it makes no freaking sense. 

we have 2 kids... .    imagine this... .  the first kid was after the first time she got up and left with a replacement... .  sucked me back in with sex... .  whammo kid number 1.  then after a short period of time... .  in came replacement number 2... .  a year later came back and whammo... .  kid number 2. 

I love my kids, but damn, i wish i had opened my eyes years ago.  I did learn after kid number 2 and GOT MYSELF FIXED. 

[happiness68]

I'm sorry you were made to feel like that dancinginthedark.  You will meet another man who will make you realise how you are sexy and attractive and it'll give you that feeling back again.  You deserve that.  That rings familiar about "behave yourself" - the exact words my ex told me when I asked him why he didn't tell me he loved me anymore last April.  He did love me though cos I heard him tell me when he thought I was asleep.  How very sad that they do this not only to us, but to themselves, thus causing pain all round and unnecessarily so.  Can you imagine how great your relationship would have been had your BPD shown love like you.  I often think about that and how me and my BPD would have been one of the best couples had he just been able to show what he was really feeling and not the rubbish that he portrayed for pride or whatever it was.  So very sad.

[happiness68]

wowjer - sorry you had to go through all of that.  Yes, fix yourself, but remember that she's ill and the problem wasn't you.  I had to smile at your quote below ... .   

  I would negate her theory and remind her that when she does something bad, her sex drive seems to work great. 

[patientandclear]

I have now read so many stories with this same basic pattern, that it has become one of the attributes of BPD I feel most sure about.

I think it is not a matter of "withholding" sex -- that sounds manipulative.  I think it is a question of not being able to deal with sex.

I think for most pwBPD, the amazing sex at the beginning is seduction tool.  I don't mean that in a bad way.  I think they want the partner & they think the partner wants sex.

Like so many of us, sex with my exbf was the best sexual experience of my life.  It took me a long time after the breakup to realize that it probably wasn't that way for him.  He is a sexual abuse survivor.  He is terrified of intimacy (which I continue to experience with him now, as emotionally intimate friends).

I think his optimal relationship is what we are doing now: super close, no sex, no spending the night, no overt naming of the relationship as romantic.  It creates a little safety buffer for him.

When he broke up with me, he returned briefly to his exgf, a 31 year old woman who for religious reasons will not have sex outside of marriage.  How perfect for him, right?  Until they actually married, the question would not be called.  He talked about marrying her, but when it came to the point of taking concrete steps that direction, he left.

MANY of the people I've "met" on these boards have a similar pattern -- their pwBPD wants to stay close but no sex.  For most people, that sounds like or is called a breakup.  For those of us who immediately or eventually have been willing to stick around with them on these new terms, it appears they sometimes can settle into a long-term pattern of sexless closeness, albeit still with push-pull patterns to deal with fears of being too close/fear of loss.

I think the sex thing is one of the most misunderstood aspects of BPD, because it is so hard for us to imagine people being so open and skilled during sex if it terrifies them and at some level they would prefer to avoid it.  But I think that's what we're dealing with a lot of the time.

[Seb]

As others have said, witholding of sex is part of the devaluation process.  ... .  Or, (definitely a better way of looking at it) as patient and clear said... it's about them being totally triggered and freaked out by intimacy. Sex is easier for a pwBPD when there are no real emotions involved. Its all about going through the process, having those needs met, connecting with someone as a reminder that they do exist.

It's so confusing at the time - how can this person, who was so in to me, all of a sudden was not wanting me touching her anymore? I remember it, and I was totally baffled, hurt and confused by it. I didn't know anything about BPD at the time, and I was blissfully ignoring the red flags and the mismatch between the words and the actions. My error. My devaluation started 4 weeks or so before she dumped me. She would decide if we were having sex - if I tried to touch her then she would stop me, as if she was repulsed by the thought of me touching her. I distinctly remember saying to her... .  "I don't want to keep feeling like I have to ask permission to touch you." This was the woman who chased me for months and months, and the first time we had sex, said, "I can't believe this is happening".

It's all part of the cycle that's activated once we're too close. We've got in there really close, we've now unwittingly triggered all sorts of shame and painful feelings associated with love and 'inevitable' abandonment. So the devaluation begins. Once we were the most amazing people ever... .  now we've become the person who cannot be trusted because we are the one that is going to deal them all this hurt, rejection and pain. The devaluing is the part that reasons why we aren't the one, and why they're right to dump us, and acts as a little reminder that they'll be ok after the break-up. It's like the dress-rehearsal to the break up... .  they're just getting ready and doing the groundwork.  All this is survival 101 for them, and not at all personal.

It's not a rejection of the partner, it's a rejection of the painful emotions that are stirred by having sex with real intimacy. Genuine intimacy stirs up all sorts of anxiety, but the cruel part is, they crave this intimacy. So they seek it out, and are so happy when they feel they've found 'the one'... it's just that moment in time that's fleeting. It can't last. That's when the switch is tripped and the devaluation starts. I'm sure my exgf didn't know why she did the things she did, or felt the way she did... .  she is utterly confused by it. She warned me from the start to get out whilst I could because she wasn't good at relationships and she didn't want that life for me. It's tragic, I wish she would get help, but sadly I can't see it happening.

[recoil]

It's nice to know others have been through similar experiences.  It's also sad.

The first six months, we had sex 2-3 times a week.  It was incredible.  Then it started to taper off.  Lately, before the breakup, it was 1-2 times a month.  Those times were still just as incredible.

I remember she once told me that she loved the way we did it.  That it was porn-ish and not all "lovey-dovey intimate".  I found that comment a bit odd.

Learning about some of my own attachment issues sheds some light into how I think about sex though.

For the past five months though, our intimate kissing was infrequent.  We had always kisses passionately.  She'd make excuses like it was my beard, etc.

As I'm writing this, I am feeling better about my decision to leave the relationship.  My next therapy session is in 45 minutes.  I can't wait.

One thing to note, if we were having sex weekly, even once, I'd probably put up with a lot more of her BS.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Raising my hand here, another  one who's primary r/s issues were sex/rage related.

She pursued me, couldn't keep her hands off of me, we were sexual very early into the r/s, SHE brought up wanting a life with me, making long term plans etc.  How dare I believe her 

Anyway, my first experience with true rage happened when I reached out to her (literally) after we'd been intimate.  She jumped out of bed, started wigging out at me by first saying, "my God you never can get enough!".  Umm, we'd only been at it about 10 minutes, and well? that didn't seem like enough but I didn't say it, LOL  Anyway, the nastiness just kept coming, things that were never said to me by anyone in my entire life. I was blown away, all I could do was cry, and of course I got dressed and left.

She came after me the next day when I did not respond and I forgave her.  My next attempts at initiation were tenative but well received, but after that, they were met with total rejection.  After the first three months, sex was perfunctory, regimented almost robotic.

I turned it inward though.

I recently found a very pretty sexy nightie that I had ordered very early on, before the rage, I never wore it for her, I was never comfortable enough, and we'd been on several trips to some very very nice hotels\resorts. 


The break-up came on the heals of me asking her for an answer on whether or not she would ever touch me again, (no sex for almost three months),  and did she want to break up.  Nope!  She loved me deeply, was in love with me, but she couldn't answer the the former.   Two weeks later she did break up via email, an email temper tantrum.

We are in an "unship" of sorts, spend lots of time together, some hand holding, some kissing, but that's it.  It took quite some time to get to this point.  It's working for now.  I have a better understanding of what drives her, what her early issues are etc.

I love her, it may not always work for me though.  It feels horrible to end what is otherwise a good r/s because of sex.  I still have issues of push-pull, she is way better at getting a hold of herself, Im very good at stepping away too,, I wont stick around for it and she knows it.  I also am very direct when I am needy, if she can't deal with me, she says so.  It hurts, but it doesn't kill me.  Sometimes she steps up though and surprises me.

CiF

[Wimowe]

We dated for a couple of months before having sex.  Once started making love, it was cosmic!  That lasted about two or three months.  When I shared some of my erotic fantasies with her -- a big mistake which I continue deeply to regret -- she had what looked like a PTSD reaction.  That incident prompted us to start seeing a couples therapist.  The frequency of sex dwindled rapidly.  She claimed to have no desire and started arising early in the morning which meant getting to sleep early the previous evening.

Then we started miscommunicating with each other about sex.  She hinted that she wanted to have sex then berated me when I didn't reciprocate immediately.  She would promise, but then have excuses.  In the few months we were lovers, even though the sex was great at first, we had actual intercourse only twice.

I think his optimal relationship is what we are doing now: super close, no sex, no spending the night, no overt naming of the relationship as romantic.  It creates a little safety buffer for him.

[... .  ]

MANY of the people I've "met" on these boards have a similar pattern -- their pwBPD wants to stay close but no sex.  For most people, that sounds like or is called a breakup.  For those of us who immediately or eventually have been willing to stick around with them on these new terms, it appears they sometimes can settle into a long-term pattern of sexless closeness, albeit still with push-pull patterns to deal with fears of being too close/fear of loss.

After her memories of childhood sexual abuse surfaced in therapy, my uBPDxgf said she wanted to be "friends" only.  By then, the sex had long since sputtered to a halt.  She became adamant that she didn't want a romantic relationship with me, or anyone. Yet she continued to act like we were a couple in certain respects.  Neither of us dated other people.  Our friends invited us places as a couple. We spoke with or saw each other almost every day.  I was her go to guy when she was in emotional distress.  A few weeks before the end, when I raised the possibility that I might want to start dating other people (I told her I would give her advance warning and asked her to do the same), she responded "I don't know how I would feel about that."

It was as if she wanted to be in a committed relationship with me when it was convenient, but not when it wasn't.  I was in love with her -- or believed myself to be -- and clear with her that I wanted to be in a committed relationship with her.  I told her I was willing to defer sex until she felt sufficiently healed (which I knew could take many months or even years).  During the "friends" period, we slept together a few times (no lovemaking) and occasionally cuddled.  Other times she seemed to tease me with the possibility that we would sleep together but then always found an excuse for why she couldn't.  It was very confusing and painful, I felt emotionally whipsawed all the time, and there were a number of hurtful incidents (some actually traumatic, in retrospect). 

Once we were the most amazing people ever... .  now we've become the person who cannot be trusted because we are the one that is going to deal them all this hurt, rejection and pain. The devaluing is the part that reasons why we aren't the one, and why they're right to dump us, and acts as a little reminder that they'll be ok after the break-up. It's like the dress-rehearsal to the break up... .  they're just getting ready and doing the groundwork.

My uBPDxgf started to compile and recite reasons why she alleged our relationship could never work, including sexual incompatibility.  To me the issues seemed pretty normal for emotionally intimate relationships and surmountable if both parties were willing.

[Cardinals in Flight]

wimowe wrote... .  

It was as if she wanted to be in a committed relationship with me when it was convenient, but not when it wasn't.  I was in love with her -- or believed myself to be -- and clear with her that I wanted to be in a committed relationship with her.  I told her I was willing to defer sex until she felt sufficiently healed (which I knew could take many months or even years).  During the "friends" period, we slept together a few times (no lovemaking) and occasionally cuddled.  Other times she seemed to tease me with the possibility that we would sleep together but then always found an excuse for why she couldn't.  It was very confusing and painful, I felt emotionally whipsawed all the time, and there were a number of hurtful incidents (some actually traumatic, in retrospect).

Wow, that is almost exactly how it is now with my pwBPD, we broke up romantically, but not much has changed.

Emotionally "whipsawed", good adjective!

So how did this all end Wimowe?

[Wimowe]

So how did this all end Wimowe?

I'm embarrassed to admit that it took me almost ten months to perceive the push/pull pattern and fully understand its significance and its impact on me. There was a series of hurtful and bewildering incidents during this time.  I came to perceive how insecure and addictive this relationship was, how it triggered my own deepest fears of abandonment.  I was deeply troubled by the intense, toxic emotional states (e.g. obsessive jealousy) I found myself in, and by some of my actions.  I was perplexed at how I repeatedly either set myself up to be wounded (and give my uBPDxgf the opportunity to wound me) or failed to set boundaries (which I'm not that good at) -- it was almost like a compulsion!  One part of me (as well as my T and Al-Anon sponsor) knew she was exploiting me, but another part couldn't accept the implications.

I started to fear not only for my sanity but for my physical health.

My denial finally started to break when my uBPDxgf joined a therapy group led by our couples therapist; he had originally (and improperly I now see) suggested that I might benefit from the group.  Next thing I knew, she had joined it.  This felt like a deep betrayal --  real kick-in-the-gut.  It was consistent with other incidents in which she'd thrown me under the bus.  Even more than feeling betrayed, I was shocked at how callously and ruthlessly she'd acted.  I finally got that, her protests to the contrary, she didn't have my back; rather, with her, I had to watch my back.



From time to time I asked her who I was to her.  "I don't have any answers for you," she replied.

The incident the finally convinced me that pursuing this relationship was foolhardy, thankless, and maybe dangerous involved a "Twelve Step event."  She was abrasively adamant that she didn't want me there.  "This isn't the kind of thing you bring a date to," she declared.  I felt hurt at being so summarily and brusquely excluded with really no explanation. The event turned out to be someone showing photos of their trip to Africa, i.e., it was a social event (and not restricted to members of the Twelve Step group).  I figured there was either a person she was interested in or else she didn't want someone there to see me -- or us together -- for whatever reason.  I also found her secretiveness creepy -- a yuk! moment.

We'd talked about seeing a movie following the "12 Step event."  About an hour before the movie, she texted me that she didn't think she could get away from the "12 Step event" in time.  I replied that I was going anyway.  Then I called an Al-Anon friend, who observed, "Sometimes no answer is an answer.  And that answer is no."

That conversation helped me radically accept that -- whatever her words and actions to the contrary -- she had rejected me.  And I had to admit that I'd been pursuing the relationship against the stiff gale of my own misgivings and cognitive dissonance.

About ten minutes before the movie, she texted me that maybe she would see the movie with me after all.  I replied that I was already seated.  She arrived at the theater about two minutes before the movie and shared that she had almost brought a male friend of hers but that he'd decided against it.  She left immediately following the movie.

This is when I decisively shifted to acting predominately from Wise Mind rather than fear and yearning (addiction).

I never really decided to cease/minimize contact with my uBPDxgf; my NC/MC evolved one day at a time.  I started asking myself, each time she contacted me, do I want this person/ drama/ pain in my life today?

A couple weeks later, she invited me to spend TDay with her brother and his family, which I found odd given her insistence that she didn't want to be in an emotionally committed relationship with me.  ("If you come, we'll have to stay in a hotel," she said).  She said she didn't want me to spend TDay alone. She'd even reserved rail tickets for me (a hot commodity around the Thanksgiving holiday in these parts).   I just couldn't understand how it would make sense for me to accept. I thanked her, declined, and spent Thanksgiving with my brother and his family, although I did drop off/pick up her up at the train to/from her brother's.

The annual village Christmas parade was on the first Saturday in December.  I had reserved tickets for us to a dance performance following the parade.  Two days prior she said she couldn't commit to going to the performance because she had deskwork and other things to do and was feeling overwhelmed.  (She was once a dancer and loves dance performances.)  She spent most of the following day (Friday) with her arts group and socializing, i.e., no deskwork or seeing to other matters she claimed were pressing. Late Saturday morning -- the day of the dance event -- she vmailed me, "I think I would like to accompany you to the dance performance after all."

I mindfully noted that I felt disrespected and devalued.  I did a thought experiment, visualizing both going to the dance event with her and going by myself or with someone else.  The first evoked pain, anxiety, anger, and agitation; if I went by myself, I imagined I might feel lonely, but I'd enjoy the performance and feel relatively serene and self-possessed.  This time I heeded the obvious conclusion that I'd always disregarded in the past.  I didn't return her vmail, went to the dance concert by myself, felt a bit lonely, but enjoyed the performance.

I noticed that I was rather taking to a low-uBPDxgf diet.

Next day (Sunday), I went to a coffee shop knowing that there was a small chance that she would be there (there aren't that many coffee shops where I live).  I couldn't believe it when she entered the shop about half an hour later.  She was hanging some of her paintings for an art opening that started about an hour later at a nearby gallery.  She asked me if I would help her.

Then she said, "I want to go to my art teacher's opening later on."  (An example of how confusing it was.  To me that sounded like how members of a couple talk to each other; there's an assumption that you plan your time together.  Yet she kept insisting that she didn't want us to be a couple.  In my world, a non-coupled person would ask another non-coupled person, "Would you like to come with me to my art teacher's opening?"

I asked, "Are you saying you would like me to go with you?"

"Yes," she replied.

I wasn't willing to commit until I'd had a chance to be alone and check in with myself.  I did consent to help her hang her work.  She waited for me to walk over to the gallery with her.  "I'll be along in a few minutes," I said. 

I walked over to the gallery, helped her, then left to visit another friend's open studio.  About two hours later, she asked via text what I'd decided and whether I would mind if her psychotherapist came with us (she and her psychotherapist take classes with the same teacher), and could we pick up her psychotherapist on the way to the opening.

Although skeptical of my own motives, I felt that going to the event with my uBPDxgf was, if not clearly the right thing to do, also not wrong.  The event itself -- held at a restaurant -- was a strange experience.  We felt ignored and decided to go elsewhere for supper.  As I was going to get the car, she texted me to come back inside.  She had started up a conversation with someone.  We ended up having supper there at a table by ourselves while the rest of the group ate together. The therapist ended up not coming with us.

On the way home, I mentioned the dance concert the previous evening.

"Why didn't you call me back?" she demanded.  "It's all right if you didn't want to go with me, but you could have let me know."

"I just wanted to go by myself," I lied -- I really hadn't wanted to go with her.  "And I was annoyed that you had called me and changed your mind on Saturday morning."

She said I was being "bratty."  I felt like a coward for lying.  I still wasn't ready to risk ending the relationship with the truth.

The next weekend we had been invited to a holiday party (pot luck) together.  I noticed that I really didn't want to go with her.  We came separately.  When she arrived, I was chatting with one of her Twelve Step sponsors.  My uBPDxgf greeted her sponsor with a hug and me with a playful swat with her scarf.  She initially stayed near me, but soon wandered off and spent most the rest of the evening away from me.

The following weekend, another holiday party.  To my relief, she said she didn't want to come to the party because she wasn't feeling well.  But she did show up after all and (uncharacteristically) stayed by my side most of the evening except for twice:  A male friend of hers (who I suspected of having a crush on her) greeted her;  she interrupted the conversation we were having to chat with him.  The second time she asked me if I would be all right if she spoke with someone else at the party for a few minutes.  I noted the contrast.  When she left early, I walked her to her car, then returned to the party.  This is the last time I saw her.

Next I heard from her, she wanted to buy me some bread at the local farmer's market.  I tried to demur, but she insisted.  Rather than pushing back, I made a mistake and accepted.  Actually, she asked a friend of hers (who I think has had a long term crush on her) to buy the bread -- one spurned lover buying bread for another spurned lover!   Yow!

I firmly and politely declined when she called to invite me to spend Christmas with her brother and his family ("I'm sure we can find somewhere for you to sleep.".  We had a short, rather stilted conversation.  That was the last time I spoke with her.

A week ago (I erroneously said two in another post), I dropped off at her house the belongings she'd left at my house, taking care to do so at a time I knew she was unlikely to be home.  She sent me a courteous (and distant) thank you text last night.

As I've said in other posts, we live in a small community (the village near me has one traffic signal and a population of about 3,000) and know people in common, so chances are we'll encounter each other.  I'm doing my best to postpone that.

For me, ending this relationship has been a process of self-confrontation, self-mastery, self-acceptance, and radical acceptance of life on life's terms.