Dealing with husband's BPD(?) ex wife

[Matt]

Talk to your lawyer about all these procedural specifics.

Where I live, you send a simple letter to the other side, requesting all the stuff you want - you "cast a wide net" - any bank records, credit card records, or other financial records for the last X years.  Your lawyer should have this as a standard letter she sends during the "discovery" phase.

If you don't get everything you think you should, you can send a second letter requesting it, maybe pointing out something that was omitted.

Then subpoena if needed.

Depositions can cover anything relevant - financial and other stuff.  If there are financial issues you think they haven't come clean about, it's your golden opportunity to ask about it under oath.  The other party's lawyer will surely advise her to tell the truth.

Lawyers charge by the hour.  Our depositions were 8 hours - 4 for my wife, 4 for me - plus preparation time - probably 15 hours altogether.

I doubt that the PC is involved in these $ issues.

[Allure]

Thanks Matt!

What other things can be asked during deposition?

Reason I ask is ExW is blaming me that DH went to court.

What actually happened was DH took all the receipts that she gave him to a lawyer to see if he was obligated to pay for those. The Lawyer said he was not obligated to pay because DH did not agree to private school and DH had 2 medical insurances for the children but she only billed one. Also, she only gave him receipts, not medical bills.

When the Lawyer reviewed his divorce decree, he told him he was not in compliance with the shared parenting time(50/50) due to his deployment and he was fixing to be stationed to another city which is 8 hours away driving time. This would automatically adjust the child support.

He also advised him to file for restraining order due to ExW was harassing us.

Now, EXW is claiming he went to court because of me and to avoid paying for his obligations. Keep in mind that he was paying her the court ordered child support every month and even overpaid her at some point.

Does she have grounds for her claim?

[Matt]

Just to be clear, I'm not an attorney, and nobody here can give legal advice.  We're just sharing what we learned along the way... .  

I think anything relevant to the divorce can be asked during depositions.  You and your lawyer should prepare in advance - brainstorm topics - and write down specific questions on each topic.

For example, my wife had called 911 and accused me of assault, and I was arrested and charged.  My attorney asked her a number of questions about that - what exactly had happened, what exactly she told the officers, etc.  Because later she could compare my wife's answers with other sources - such as the police report - and find out if she told the truth.  If we had gone to trial, she would have been put under oath, and asked again about those things, and the evidence would have shown that she was lying.  So... .  her lawyer, seeing this develop, was determined not to go to trial.  We were able to get a better settlement.

So anything that is relevant and which you think the truth needs to be on record.  Anything which you think the other party has falsely represented in the course of the case.  She will have to answer under oath, and her attorney will surely advise her to tell the truth.

Maybe ask her about the "harassment" - "How many times do you usually contact Mr. Allure or Mrs. Allure each day?"  Get her to talk about exactly those subjects (which are relevant to the divorce) that she doesn't want to talk about.

[Allure]

"Just to be clear, I'm not an attorney, and nobody here can give legal advice.  We're just sharing what we learned along the way... .  "

I completely understand... .  

Well, this is where it gets confusing.

DH offered to pay half of her expenses with an increase in child support during their negotiation with both lawyers present. This is with DH showing he has more expenses than her when he had the children half the time.

She refused and they went to court. During the hearing, when she could not produce medical bills, and produced her own medical bill, instead of the children's, she admitted she did not have one and blamed her lawyer for it(she told the Judge that her Lawyer told her to just bring any medical bills or receipts she could find).

The Judge vacated the hearing and rescheduled it.

Her Lawyer advised her to settle, she refused so he withdrew his Counsel. She claims it is because he wanted more money.

Now, even after her embarrassment, she still wants to go to court, and blamed DH Lawyer for her confusion during the hearing, blames her previous Lawyer for his over confidence and now hired another Lawyer who actually took her case.

We think she really just wants to go to court to "show to the court and be on record that because of me DH is avoiding to pay his obligations to the children"(she actually emailed this and cc'd it to the PC).

Is this normal? 

[DreamGirl]

Normal is such a subjective term.

We think she really just wants to go to court to "show to the court and be on record that because of me DH is avoiding to pay his obligations to the children"(she actually emailed this and cc'd it to the PC).

It really could be a subconscious or conscious reason. It's really common for moms (in general) to emotionally react when a stepmom comes on scene - especially if the timing coincides with a court filing. It's a big assumption on her part. 

It also doesn't really matter. My stepkids' mama made a big ol' stink when I wrote the check for his child support. She actually called his attorney and vented her frustrations (she was pro se) - on my husband's dime of course, because she didn't have an attorney and the call has to be taken/returned. In the end it was just that - her complaining about something irrelevant to the bigger picture.

It also taught me not to ever write the check again. 

In the end, it doesn't really matter why your husband did it - even when she's trying to make it matter.

This stuff needs to get addressed and your husband needed to address it because that's his choice.

[Allure]

Normal is such a subjective term.

We think she really just wants to go to court to "show to the court and be on record that because of me DH is avoiding to pay his obligations to the children"(she actually emailed this and cc'd it to the PC).

It really could be a subconscious or conscious reason. It's really common for moms (in general) to emotionally react when a stepmom comes on scene - especially if the timing coincides with a court filing. It's a big assumption on her part. 

It also doesn't really matter. My stepkids' mama made a big ol' stink when I wrote the check for his child support. She actually called his attorney and vented her frustrations (she was pro se) - on my husband's dime of course, because she didn't have an attorney and the call has to be taken/returned. In the end it was just that - her complaining about something irrelevant to the bigger picture.

It also taught me not to ever write the check again. 

In the end, it doesn't really matter why your husband did it - even when she's trying to make it matter.

This stuff needs to get addressed and your husband needed to address it because that's his choice.

True, it is just hard for me to comprehend because I was not like this with my ex husband when he got married. I did go to court pro se for back child support after a year of not receiving any but that was before he got married.

I was just glad he got married because it provided emotional stability for him helping him be more mature and responsible.

DH XW also made a big deal to the PC with me calling the Coaches and arranging for payment but I still do them. DH doesn't have the time and I do.

Keeping the peace is important but if it becomes ridiculous, is not a priority for us.

[tog]

We aren't married, but even when we are, I will stay out of it all like I do now. I don't want to make it worse, or be a target for her anger and ire. Plus, it's not in my job description to deal with her directly, as far as I'm concerned. I do get how a mother might be threatened by another woman in her child's life, and I've always been respectful of that.

[DreamGirl]

We aren't married, but even when we are, I will stay out of it all like I do now. I don't want to make it worse, or be a target for her anger and ire. Plus, it's not in my job description to deal with her directly, as far as I'm concerned. I do get how a mother might be threatened by another woman in her child's life, and I've always been respectful of that.

If only I would have had this good sense!

[Allure]

Just had a phone conference with DH lawyer and he said he only got a letter from this new lawyer stating he is going to represent XW and he was in the process of reviewing the transcript from previous hearing. It's been 2 weeks and he has not filed a motion that he is actually representing XW. DH lawyer's position is not to respond to the letter until there is a motion filed he is representing XW.

DH lawyer thinks either XW did not go back to pay retainers fee or maybe new lawyer listened to the transcript from previous hearing and realized XW was not honest with him.

DH lawyer also said he talked to the previous XW lawyer and he told him XW was not honest with him about the whole case and that's why he withdrew.

Hopefully, it is the latter but we are still preparing just in case.