Going NC - How do you handle the loss?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Ever since I was a teenager and I watched my dad get disowned by his parents, I knew eventually I'd go through the same thing for the same reason - I'm too independent-minded. I always assumed I'd get disowned, but now I'm thinking of taking the initiative and going NC. My mother's BPD is triggering me and keeping me really sick with depression just when I most need to be able to be strong so I can rebuild after my divorce. I've been keeping track, and I've been immobilized with depression for 1/3 of 2013 thus far, and that needs to stop.

The problem is that I know if I go NC, I'm going to lose family members who are not BPD but who also don't recognize my mom's behaviour as problematic. The ones I'm most concerned about are my dad (with whom I've always been really close, but he is very supportive of my mother and enables her behaviour); my (adult) brother, who doesn't really have any context for understanding how damaging or unusual her behaviour was when we were kids; and an aunt (plus her kids), who successfully rejected her own parents around the same time my dad got disowned, but who would probably hear only my mom's side of the story and would not be likely to have a continuing relationship with me if not through my FoO.

I look at all that, and it looks absolutely devastating. How do you deal with losing all the family you've ever known? I'm most upset about my dad, because we used to have the most awesome relationship. It's been a little more problematic lately because I've been recognizing how he enabled the abuse in the past, and also because he has some issues around me being an adult. But I can't imagine choosing to never see him again or to refuse contact. How have other people dealt with these issues?

[BiancaRose]

Ever since I was a teenager and I watched my dad get disowned by his parents, I knew eventually I'd go through the same thing for the same reason - I'm too independent-minded. I always assumed I'd get disowned, but now I'm thinking of taking the initiative and going NC. My mother's BPD is triggering me and keeping me really sick with depression just when I most need to be able to be strong so I can rebuild after my divorce. I've been keeping track, and I've been immobilized with depression for 1/3 of 2013 thus far, and that needs to stop.

The problem is that I know if I go NC, I'm going to lose family members who are not BPD but who also don't recognize my mom's behaviour as problematic. The ones I'm most concerned about are my dad (with whom I've always been really close, but he is very supportive of my mother and enables her behaviour); my (adult) brother, who doesn't really have any context for understanding how damaging or unusual her behaviour was when we were kids; and an aunt (plus her kids), who successfully rejected her own parents around the same time my dad got disowned, but who would probably hear only my mom's side of the story and would not be likely to have a continuing relationship with me if not through my FoO.

I look at all that, and it looks absolutely devastating. How do you deal with losing all the family you've ever known? I'm most upset about my dad, because we used to have the most awesome relationship. It's been a little more problematic lately because I've been recognizing how he enabled the abuse in the past, and also because he has some issues around me being an adult. But I can't imagine choosing to never see him again or to refuse contact. How have other people dealt with these issues?

[AllSmiles]

For me, my family was crumbling long before I went NC. The hardest part was letting go of my grandma, but at the same time, she was a toxic relationship as well. I reminded myself that I had to let go in order to preserve my sanity. My friends became my family, which made it easier to walk away. I think it's important to surround yourself with positive people as a reminder of why you are going NC. Also, just because you're going NC with your mom does not mean you have to cut everyone else out as well. You could potentially limit the amount of contact you have with the family you're afraid of losing or set up guidelines to where you ask to not have your mom be brought up in conversation.

[GeekyGirl]

You grieve the loss in the way that's most appropriate for you. Even if you don't end up going NC, you grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted, the unconditional love that you didn't receive, and the parental relationship that you can't have.

Do you think you could separate your relationships with family members from your relationship with your mother? It's possible that you could have relationships with your aunt and brother without involving your mother if you make it clear to them that what's between you and your mother is just that... .  between you and your mother.

You dad is a tougher one, though. It's been hard for me to see my father enable my mother too. What you can do is try to maintain the relationship as best you can. You could try setting some boundaries with him and see where it goes from there.  Do you think you could try to keep the lines of communication open with him without allowing your mother's behavior to affect you any further?

[Ember]

I think that you can give people the choice.  Explain your position to them, how difficult it is and although you are going NC with your mother, you'd like to maintain a relationship with them.  If the only time you see them is at family events then you'll need to make an effort to create new opportunities to see them and build bridges.  Also, explain that you don't want them to pick sides and that they should continue whatever relationship they want with your mother. 

This worked for me with my aunts and uncles who were quite relieved.  Even though I'm in my forties, my mother would rant and rave if my aunts and uncles phoned me directly, her rule was that they had to send messages through her.  So they were very happy  to hear from me and now we have direct contact without my mother's interference. 

Unfortunately, my father has chosen to support her at all costs and this includes the loss of a relationship with me and my children.  Although it pains me deeply, there is a comfort knowing that I haven't chosen to estranged myself from him but he has made the decision to choose to align himself with my mother and only my mother.  There is no half way for him. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that family relationships will change - but don't be too passive and assume that things will get worse.  If you work at it some of your relationships will improve.

[Marcia]

 

I felt like I had to go NC with my mother when her behavior became so bizarre and hurtful that I could see my husband and grown kids being badly affected too. I agonized over all the relationships I would lose, because I knew she would launch a huge bad mouthing campaign when she realized the NC wasn't going away. I have a lot of FOG to deal with and assumed the worst.

I'm surprised and pleased to report that friends and family members did not judge or abandon me, which was nice. But, the best thing was that I learned I could survive risking disapproval -- which is very freeing.

Good luck and remember you deserve to not be crazy... .  

[WrongWoman]

I have been in various stages of L/C and N/C with my mother for the last 23 years.  I still feel the loss, although it is much attenuated.  I have four half-siblings and I basically lost them, too.  My mother is, naturally, very good at manipulation and triangulation and so I don't blame my siblings.  They all have their own issues with her and we all just kind of operate separately in our own spheres, a reality I've come to accept. 

I haven't seen my mother in 23 years, since my husband and I had our first child.  It was clear to me immediately at that time that I just could not expose my baby to her problems and the ugliness of it all.  We went on to have two more children and they and my wonderful husband are the sum total of my family, along with a niece who escaped and moved out to be with us several years ago.  I have been very lucky and my life is good.

In 2009, I loosened the clamp a bit and talked to my mother by telephone occasionally for about a period of six months.  But the same behaviors came rushing back and just threatened the peace (and peace of mind) that I had worked so hard to achieve and maintain, so I had to close the channels once again, and once again, deal with the grief of it all.  Therapy was enormously helpful.

These decisions are never clear cut and never easy.  I know I made the right decision for me and my family, but it has been a decision filled with loss, no doubt about it.  For me, what I gained made it worth it.  I wish you all the best in making the right decision for you.