This seems less than maternal, yes?

[BiancaRose]

I just realized how I can know there's something wrong with Mommie Dearest and it's not just me.

Since December 27, my mom has been bugging me about a decision I made to "reveal personal information" on Facebook. The information I revealed doesn't really bother me; I noted that my boyfriend is bisexual, which he is open about. I also noted that this fact keeps me from donating blood, which I want to be able to do, and that implies that he and I are involved sexually. My mom hit the ceiling and has been freaking out ever since.

Yesterday I finally revealed to her that her frequently sarcastic, emotionally manipulative e-mails have been causing me severe depressive symptoms. I didn't go into any more detail, but she knows that in the past I have been hospitalized for suicidal ideation and that I've been known to self-harm.

Her response: she insisted that she was never sarcastic nor manipulative, and she said I could get in touch with her if I ever decided I was interested in my family, because she couldn't do this anymore. Not one word about any revelations concerning my mental health. (Also, she contacted me again less than twelve hours later, still not a word of interest in whether I'm suicidal or anything.)

Am I crazy to think a caring mother would've shown concern or even seen "severe depression" as standing out and as more relevant than "sarcasm and manipulation"? I hear myself saying "It's all about her" and know that's word-for-word what she says about me, but it seems to me that if my child had ever stated a desire to be dead, my ears would prick at that "severe depression" thing. i just don't know if I can trust my own perceptions because the whole situation is making me nuts.

[GeekyGirl]

You're right--most mothers would show a lot of concern at finding out that a child has depression. Do you think that the thought of you being depressed is too much for her to bear (fear of abandonment), or do you think that she doesn't care about others?

Could you hide your Facebook updates from your mother and filter her e-mails for a while? If you find her comments triggering or don't want her to comment at all, this might be a good time to adjust your privacy controls.

How are you doing dealing with your depressive symptoms? Do you have some good support? 

[Satori]

Yes, a normal mother would be concerned, although initially defensive, too, probably, at being told that her behavior was depressing. The difference is that I think a normal mother would probably care enough to hash it out with you right away, even if she were defensive, whereas a personality disordered one can't take it at all and just shuts off like a light bulb.

Now I'll tell you what I've been telling everybody I know for two years: Do not let relatives "friend" you on Facebook! Block them, use a pseudonym, whatever! Okay, maybe you can friend your cousin who's your best buddy since forever or sweet Auntie Rose who just wants to see pictures of your baby, but if there is any possibility of drama, just take the safe route and don't give them any access to your account ever. Too many family feuds have broken out because of Facebook.

[BiancaRose]

A few more background points:

My mother has known for several years that I have depression, but she does not know about the strong connection between her behaviour/abuse and my emotional problems. In the past she has asked questions only in contexts and ways where I felt like I couldn't be honest that she's the cause. I think, though, she probably suspects on some level that my mental-health problems come from our relationship and she's too threatened by that possibility to be able to handle it.

As for the Facebook-friending, you're preaching to the choir here. I added her because, when I first got on Facebook, I didn't understand her as an abuser. Once I came to understand that, I hesitated to remove/block her because she told me that would be something she could never forgive me for and I was afraid of offending. The e-mail flame war that I'm describing broke out predominantly because I finally made the decision, took the plunge, and deleted her from my Facebook. And, as she said, it's not something she can forgive.

I have a good support system of people who aren't blood relatives (plus a couple of cats) but I'm basically out of contact with my family members and mostly trying not to think about it. I'll figure it out once I feel a little stronger. But I guess my mom's reaction to my revelation really helped me see that I have to look out for myself because she won't clue in if I tell her what's going on.

[InaMinorRole]

All of this sounds very personality disorder-ish. The emotional blackmail (if you de-friend me on FB I will never forgive you! Gosh, Mom, melodramatic much?), making an emotionally charged moment that's about you (revealing major depression) now about her (accusing you of, what, lying about the e-mails?), and then practically kicking you out of the family ("she said I could get in touch with her if I ever decided I was interested in my family, because she couldn't do this anymore", only to forget she ever said it and twelve hours later act like it hadn't happened. We're checking off boxes here.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sucks. At some point you're going to need to grieve for the relationship as though it was a death. Your mom isn't who you want her to be and you are not going to be able to fix her. The best you can do moving forward is to build strong boundaries and get strong inside yourself and have good relationships with other people. You can do it.

[BiancaRose]

All of this sounds very personality disorder-ish. The emotional blackmail (if you de-friend me on FB I will never forgive you! Gosh, Mom, melodramatic much?), making an emotionally charged moment that's about you (revealing major depression) now about her (accusing you of, what, lying about the e-mails?), and then practically kicking you out of the family ("she said I could get in touch with her if I ever decided I was interested in my family, because she couldn't do this anymore", only to forget she ever said it and twelve hours later act like it hadn't happened. We're checking off boxes here.

Man, I cannot tell you how much I needed to hear that. Any time I try to suggest to my father or brother that my mother's behaviour is abnormal, I'm silenced or shouted down - essentially I'm not allowed to point this out. And then with all the ways she projects onto me, telling me *I'm* the one who's being manipulative or unreasonable . . . sometimes I just have a really hard time holding on to the knowledge that I'm not crazy.  Thanks. 

[InaMinorRole]

It's called Stockholm Syndrome. It's a coping mechanism. www.ask.yahoo.com/20030324.html They realized they cannot win in the situation and anybody rocking the boat is only going to make it worse for them. So they internalize the standards of, and identify with, the aggressor.

You're not crazy.

[hopeforhealing]

Yep what you describe is all standard operating procedure for many PDs.  My own mother has responded to various revelations that should have triggered major red flags over my well being over the years in much the same way -- variations on the themes of "get over it you baby" or "I can't believe you are doing this to me" or "you are so self centered."  This is particularly hard when you could really use some genuine loving support, and I'm so sorry that you are contending with this.

In my case, events that triggered this response script included me a. almost being killed in a very bad and traumatic auto accident b. taking responsibility for my father's care as he died of cancer, penniless and humiliated c. struggling to keep our small business afloat and stay out of bankruptcy only to eventually lose it all, and d. coping with significant and debilitating depression.  She used to give it to me over the phone until I stopped calling her entirely (she will NEVER call me, thank God) and then once that happened whenever she would hear that I was going through something tough I would get an email (or at the end a series of them) telling me what a piece of $(#* I was and how my problems were all my fault and I needed to get over myself and snap out of it. 

You are NOT crazy.  This is a very difficult thing to go through.  Your father and brother have been conditioned, like you were, to remain in denial about the elephant in the middle of the room.  This is something else PDs are great at.  ("Elephant?  What elephant?" 

Hang in there and please know that you are not alone in the experience you are describing.  And yes, you can do it.

[hopeforhealing]

Oh, and I forgot the "I can't do this any more."  Heard that one too.

Hang in there. 

[justine1984]

I dont know how a normal mother would react cause I never met one close enough, however I compare to how I would react if it were a friend: I would be very interested to find out what exactly is happening, offer to help if it's the case, reassure, empathise. For all I heard, a mother is supposed to be closer than a close friend so it should be deeper than what I have described.

[Diligence]

Dear BiancaRose,

I am concerned about you.  You share that you are feeling severely depressed.  Are you having suicidal thoughts?  If you are, I would like to stand by you as a friend.  The craziness of your Mom's inconsistency, indifference, upside-down thinking, and accusations are your Mom's to own all by herself.  That craziness is not eminating from you. 

If you are on the receiving end of intentional hurt, you do not need to question your thinking.  Your experience is your truth.

Your life is precious!  Share it with the people who appreciate you.  Nurture your safe relationships.  They can help you adjust your  perspective if it starts to slide out of focus.

Warm regards,

Diligence