"Cruel to be kind" cut off/ "you're the crazy one"

[Diana82]

My ex was always cutting people out of her life over disagreements/arguments. It seemed to be what she did and made it out (to me at the time) that it was almost for their own good.  

She lead me to believe these people were so crazy/harassing/mean that she just HAD to cut them off.

Once she told me how she knew this woman who fancied her and my ex didn't feel the same way. Yet this woman was so persistent and kept calling her daily... being "obsessive" and harassing her with calls. My ex then told me she had to be "cruel to be kind" and tell her to STOP and that she had no feelings for her etc.

(on a side note- it turns out this was a lie and this girl was a FRIEND and my ex raged at her one day and cut her off).

It's weird because when my ex was dumping me... she said the same line-  "I have to be cruel to be kind".

She seemed to use this same expression. This was followed by her telling me I had a mean streak, needed help, was a text harasser and "burnt her more than anyone else"  (very extreme).

She then gave me the complete silent treatment and blocked me from all angles including changed her number. Treated me like I was completely crazy- when in fact I was telling her she was deceptive and inconsistent (as well as easily prone to anger).

I am wondering if anyone else's ex dumped them and tried to make it out that YOU were the crazy one and they had to do it almost for 'your own good'?

[losinghope97]

"I have to be cruel to be kind".

I get a variant of that a lot from my uBPDw, where in the midst of the verbal assult, she will saying something like "I only speak the truth, no matter how much it hurts, in the hope that I can make you better", since I am the mentally unstable and broken one.

It seems as if she is trying to mentally justify her reactions and behaviour, when it seems so clearly out of bounds for the context of the situation.  It further sets her up as the good and me the bad 'black' character in the situation.

It is very painful to deal within, when you allow it to contribute to the FOG.  My only escape is to detach and see actions for what they are.  Makes the relationship, at least for me seem very clinical at times, but better that than the alternative. 

Goodluck, stay strong in what you know.

[Suzn]

It's weird because when my ex was dumping me... she said the same line-  "I have to be cruel to be kind".

Why is this weird to you? She did this in the past, you've seen her do this, she will do this again and again and again.

I can assure you Diana, you are not alone in this. Almost all of us have been accused of being "the crazy one". There will be people who will believe her and there will be people who know her patterns already and won't.

Are you afraid that someone will believe her as you did in regards to her friend?

[Diana82]

losinghope97>

You said "It seems as if she is trying to mentally justify her reactions and behaviour, when it seems so clearly out of bounds for the context of the situation.  It further sets her up as the good and me the bad 'black' character in the situation."

I think this is spot on actually.

She no doubt justified the hasty break up to her family and friends by saying "I just HAD to do it'.

And so she was also justifying it to me by trying to make me believe I have issues and she needs to leave because it's for "the best".

Initially when she was breaking things off with me, she sounded like she was pushing me away. She said 'I am not the one to make you happy'... and "You need to be with someone who makes you happy. And it's not me"   

maybe another way for her to justify it... by saying that I am not happy- so she is 'helping me' by leaving me...

[Diana82]

suzn>

It's weird for me, because she only said it once about someone else...

Sure, she cut people off. But she said "I had to be cruel to be kind" in reference to that one 'harasser' girl who fancied her.

To say something like this to a long term partner is so bizarre. It's as if she needs to teach me a lesson... to punish me and apparently later it will be 'good for me'.

She was basically trying to say that I am unhappy with her, that I need help, I have baggage, I am too suspicous, I text her harassing messages, that I have a mean streak and that she has given "110% to the relationship and has no more to give" (her exact words).

So she has to do it for my own good... apparently.

... .  moments later though, she shifts and tells me I burnt her more than anyone else (as I have mentioned many times) and to leave her alone.

[Diana82]

1. Was your exBPD deceptive? And in what way?

2. When did you realise they were being deceptive?

3. Did you confront them and what happened?


In my case...

My ex told me stories of abuse that I'm certain were highly exaggerated and fabricated. And later the stories would change or be said to me in the context of an argument... to try to play victim.

I only started to realise stuff didn't add up about her... 2 years into the relationship

When I confronted my ex about deception and inconsistency- I was dumped.

[123Phoebe]

It's as if she needs to teach me a lesson... to punish me and apparently later it will be 'good for me'.

Hi Diana, I am very sorry you're still reeling from what is described as a very toxic break up.

In the above quote, (putting my psychology cap on here... .  ) that is your own subconscious at work... .   While your conscious mind is trying to make sense of it.  I have experienced similar... .   Want to know why?  Because I put someone, who clearly had mental issues, into a position of authority.  I didn't trust my instincts.  I allowed them to dictate my feelings of worthiness.  Want to know why?  Because I was raised by parents with mental illness and parents ARE in a position of authority.  SO's are not, but my subconscious didn't realize it.  I was working off a script that was written years and years ago, just like they were.

Change your perception and you change your life!  Look back at that quote from an adult staNPDoint, a position of strength, from a position that you are in control of you, not the other way around and see if you can glean some understanding from it... .   

To me, it says: 'This girl (relationship) came into my life to teach me a lesson.  Once I figure out why I was willing to stay with someone that is clearly inconsistent and deceptive, it will be good for me.'

It's hard Diana, to consciously put the focus on ourselves, but sometimes our subconscious won't settle for anything less

[waitaminute]

you know they do anything to survive. I see survival as a kind of warfare. I told my exBPD that and also that she was great at survival. I also told her that Sun Tzu in his "the art of war" said that all warfare is based on deception. I let her decide the implications. She just looked at me.

[GreenMango]

Diana finding a supportive place where people have walked in similar shoes can be very comforting.

A relationship of this kind can leave a person with a lot of questions.  We can get "stuck" trying to reality check and look for similar situations.  It leads to co-ruminating... .  Reliving the events and venting circling the drain.   

Coming to terms and moving forward is difficult.  Focusing on the problems of the other person is a great way to not focus on ourselves.

If you were to look at the Attachment Leads to Suffering Detachment Leads to Freedom lessons on the board (over on the right hand column at the top (over there and up ---->, where would you place yourself in the five stages?

[Suzn]

She was basically trying to say that I am unhappy with her, that I need help, I have baggage, I am too suspicous, I text her harassing messages, that I have a mean streak and that she has given "110% to the relationship and has no more to give" (her exact words).

Ok Diana if these are her exact words let's take out "she was basically trying to say", this is what she said, possibly what she believes, whether it's true or not this is what she told you. So... .  you have to respect it. It's a boundary she set for herself. Unfortunately, she was taking your inventory by saying all this to you, you're right, it wasn't very kind. You can't change this, accepting this is who she is is hard.   

Sure, she cut people off. But she said "I had to be cruel to be kind" in reference to that one 'harasser' girl who fancied her.

So this is who she is Diana. Someone with little or no communication skills. This is her best. You can't change this either.

So she has to do it for my own good... apparently.

At this point do you think this break up was indeed for your own good? You decide. Forget what she said while you decide. Are you better off without someone you can't trust? Don't you deserve someone who is honest with you?

I'm looking forward to your response.

[AllyCat7]

It's as if she needs to teach me a lesson... to punish me and apparently later it will be 'good for me'.

Hi Diana, I am very sorry you're still reeling from what is described as a very toxic break up.

In the above quote, (putting my psychology cap on here... .  ) that is your own subconscious at work... .   While your conscious mind is trying to make sense of it.  I have experienced similar... .   Want to know why?  Because I put someone, who clearly had mental issues, into a position of authority.  I didn't trust my instincts.  I allowed them to dictate my feelings of worthiness.  Want to know why?  Because I was raised by parents with mental illness and parents ARE in a position of authority.  SO's are not, but my subconscious didn't realize it.  I was working off a script that was written years and years ago, just like they were.

Change your perception and you change your life!  Look back at that quote from an adult staNPDoint, a position of strength, from a position that you are in control of you, not the other way around and see if you can glean some understanding from it... .   

To me, it says: 'This girl (relationship) came into my life to teach me a lesson.  Once I figure out why I was willing to stay with someone that is clearly inconsistent and deceptive, it will be good for me.'

It's hard Diana, to consciously put the focus on ourselves, but sometimes our subconscious won't settle for anything less

I love this. Good stuff!

Btw, Diana, I'm sorry about what you're going through! I can't offer too much more than what has already been said... .  especially as I'm also reeling from a breakup. But I just want to let you know that you're not alone! My ex used to cut a lot of people off by deleting them off Facebook if he ever felt slighted by them. I always thought he would NEVER do such a thing to me. In fact, I was the one who deleted HIM on two occasions. I did it with explanations, though, and said it was healthier for our relationship that we not be involved in FB drama (esp as he was using it to play games), and our r'ship remained the same afterwards. I didn't just coldly cut him off after an argument or do it to end things. Anyway, he re-added me a week and a half ago. We got into a little tiff shortly afterwards (sparked by my frustrations with his antics). I sent him an email, but it wasn't all bad. It was loving as well. Anyway, he immediately cut me off. I was floored. I didn't react. So he proceeded to update all his pics and make them public over the next couple of days. At this point I'm thinking "what a nutbag!" I mean, who does crap like that in place of normal conversation? People with mental illnesses, that's who!

I didn't react until a few more days. I sent him a short email telling him I understood where things stood and good luck. He replied in kind. I then notice him re-engaging with another girl who he seemed to cut off a couple months ago... .  it's all so sick and twisted. I don't know if it's the end of it for us, but if it is, I think I'm ok with it this time. Him cutting me off like that really shocked me. I thought I was special, as I'm sure you did, too. But I guess no one is truly special to these people. We're all the same, no matter how long they've known us or what we've done for them. That's really hard for a non to wrap their head around. We are the opposite of that.

But you know what, it made me realize I don't want that ever again. I want someone who will MISS me when I'm not around, who will hold me closer than they hold others, who will pine for me if we should break up, just as I would for them. I never want to be with someone who can just cut me off and quickly replace me like that again. And neither should you.

Best of luck on your road to recovery. I'm in the same boat. We'll have good days and bad days. Post here often on your bad days. I will, too 

[Diana82]

Please share your thoughts with me 

I got dumped after my ex and I argued. It started over the phone and then became a text fight. Fabulous I know.

The next day my ex dumped me and gave the most conflicting reasons but above all that I "burnt her more than anyone" and to leave her alone. Very extreme.

I was in disbelief over her hasty decision.

So I called her 2 days later... left a message... called again the next night. She didn't pick up. I didn't think it was a real break up... thought she may have just been really hurt.

Then I wrote her a handwritten love letter which I put in her mailbox.

Sent her a text to say I'd like to work things out etc. She didn't even acknowledge it or respond.

A week went by and I tried to call every second day. She just kept ignoring me. Total silence. It was deafening.

:'(

Then finally I receive a brush off text saying "I feel I made my wishes clear. I do not wish to have any contact with you on this". 

I asked for more explanation and asked if she was unhappy in other ways etc... .  she ignored me.

Soon after she changed her number. Blocked me on FB.

Then if that wasn't enough rubbish treatment... .  she wouldn't return my things... .  completely ignored all my requests. I had to wait weeks for some books that she ended up dumping on my sidewalk.  But she never returned other stuff and didn't tell me where it was etc. I have no idea what happened to it- and if she lost it- she didn't have the courtesy to tell me this.

I haven't heard a word from her in 5.5 months. Just been wiped off.

I feel I did call her too much... but that's what I felt was necessary at the time... I was in disbelief. We'd been partners for 3 years. And normally there is negotiation.

When you got dumped- did you try to reconcile or apologise a lot?

Were you met with the same hostility? How are you feeling about it?

[officer1618]

From my experience, and from many others, closure is never going to happen.

Once a borderline projects blame, lies, smears, or gaslights... .  its permanent in the breakup. You will NEVER get them to tell you what you want to hear. That's very frustrating but its the truth.

The kicker is... .  they will be telling people everything they actually did and using your face and life as a backdrop.

Its easy to have stong intrusive desires for them to "admit" wrongdoings to us... .  but eventually you will learn its because we allowed them to define us, control us, and dictate what we think about ourselves. Its just a bad self image on our own part.

[bb12]

Its easy to have stong intrusive desires for them to "admit" wrongdoings to us... .  but eventually you will learn its because we allowed them to define us, control us, and dictate what we think about ourselves. Its just a bad self image on our own part.

Spot on!

I am in the same boat as you Diana, but the silent treatment started 13 months ago.

I begged, pleaded. Then I sent awful text messages and raged at the closed door... .  the unwillingness to negotiate, as you say.

It is completely childish and unfair, but that's because it is a mental illness.

Oddly enough I vascillate between awesome days where their opinion of me doesn't define me. I feel I know who I am now. But then on other days, I come very close to calling again. Mine has not blocked me on FB and or changed his number, so it's an act of pure will to remain NC. But someone on here once wrote "every attempt to fix it makes it worse" and it really is that simple.

I am not attracted to broken people any more. I have zero interest in a fixer-upper now, when my entire adult life I have be drawn to them. We chose these people because of some very poor self-esteem. It only affects us so much because they are confirming our own self-belief that we are worthless and not valuable enough to warrant even the scanted of correspondence.

The silent treatment is akin to emotional murder and incredibly damaging. But Officer1618 is right... .  it all comes back to not letting them define us. And don't let this r/s define your life. It will be a blip on the radar in an otherwise full, emotional, sane rewarding life.

And the best revenge is just knowing that they will never have that

BB12

[haliewa1]

My exBPDgf sent a text after a 1.5 years of traveling, working and living together for a year.  It was over in her mind, I just didn't realize it!  The longer it takes to realize this and move on the more difficult it will be to have true reconciliation with the one you thought cared and loved you!  My T told me to visualize and feel the emotions I had during some of the worst rage sessions we had!  After recounting those times, I have no problem moving on!  

Be strong, bold and brave!  Life is worth it and so are all of those on this board that have experienced the life of a person with a pd!

[Robbz]

Why since BPD's are so smart and cunning, can they not fake it for 30 minutes, meet you for coffee and make up a fake reason for dumping you? The dumping itself is what she'd the true light on what was really going on the whole time-meaning all the red flags I ignored. And there were a lot of them. I don't understand why they can't just breakup normally? Are they secretly trying to keep us attached? How in the heck is it 99% of the people who were dumped on here were thrown away over night like a piece of trash and only days before they were white as snow? I've never experienced a breakup like that nor ever even heard of one before this BPD mess. Why can't they fake the breakup like a normal person. Normal breakup could occur in one hour. You could say meet me for coffee. Go tell them I'm sorry I no longer love you not will I ever love you. I've thought about this and I know it's over and you have to accept it. I can no longer talk to you as it's too painful. I need to leave now. If BPDex does that I'm hurt but moving on and not stuck and although I knew she had problems probably never sit and analyze just how messed up she was or toxic out relationship was. Reality of BPDex went like this. Called said I don't want to be with you and hung up. I thought it was a joke. Disappeared off the face of the earth and refused to tell me anything more. A month later ran into her and she said "I didn't run away I did communicate!" Lol delusional. Also blamed 100% of relationship on me. So why can't they fake the breakup manner?

[bb12]

Robbz, because they are cowards. What you describe is mature, brave behaviour - high confront and seeking a win: win outcome. PwBPD can't end cleanly because they may need to fall back on you for supply. But they also do not love as deeply as we do so can move on fast.

The addiction to the new and idealisation is powerful to them and only when in the throes of obsession with the new one, do they mentally cast us off for good.

I just keep coming back to the science... .  The consensus that they are kids trapped in adult bodies. Their is no emotion involved in dropping a buzz light year toy in order to pickup a new Nintendo DS. Sadly, I think it is as simple and crushing as that

Bb12

[Diana82]

Officer> I know I clearly won't get closure from my ex. That would entail her taking some responsibility. And she never even apologised for any poor behaviour in the relationship... so why would she now?

I think in her warped mind, she feels she did give me an explanation

I "burnt her more than anyone". What more can she say after that ?

I think it's so extreme and f&cked. But if you feel "burnt" by someone, isn't that reason enough?

I guess if I felt that hurt by someone, I wouldn't feel like I needed to offer them any further explanation.

Just trying to see it from her side (whack as her reaction to our argument was)

[Diana82]

Hi suzn

RE: At this point do you think this break up was indeed for your own good? You decide. Forget what she said while you decide. Are you better off without someone you can't trust? Don't you deserve someone who is honest with you?

You are right. I deserve someone I can trust. I do feel like it's a good thing I am not with this unwell person. I could have moved in with her and built a life! And she could have left me for dead then- that may have been even worse.

She's nasty and I know that I cannot be with someone capable of being so nasty. Capable of exaggerating and fabricating abuse... .  

But every now and then I think about how she told me I'm

"too suspicious" because of my lying ex. Maybe I have trust issues too

I sometimes think... was I paranoid? Was my ex actually almost raped? Did she really have this traumatic life and was so messed up and sometimes blanked out- that's why stories tended to change?

Even though I chatted to this woman recently whom my ex claimed harassed her and this woman told me something completely different... what if this woman is just covering her own back?

Perhaps my ex was so offended that I'd say she's inconsistent... Because she feels like she's been so "open and analytical" (her words said in defence during the argument).

But then other times I'm like no! You had a gut instinct something wasn't right about her head. She is a professional victim! She is now playing professional victim again and smearing you.

It's a battle in my head

[Newton]

I "burnt her more than anyone". What more can she say after that ?

I think it's so extreme and f&cked. But if you feel "burnt" by someone, isn't that reason enough?

I guess if I felt that hurt by someone, I wouldn't feel like I needed to offer them any further explanation.

Diana... .  as confusing as it is and as much as it hurts... .  this is good insight into what you experienced... .  It was all about her disordered feelings... .  not you.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Diana82 wrote

"It's a battle in my head"

A very wise and compassionate friend who listened to me for three months after the break-up with my BPDg/f,  "stay outta that neighborhood Cardinals, it's bad for you!"

The neighborhood being my head, it's a playground for things that are not always entirely good for us.

I think of that phrase often when I'm replaying ad nauseam the things that were done to me in the past, it helps me to snap back to the present.  It does take time though, but it's a phrase worth adding to the rewinding tapes in our heads

CiF

[Diana82]

 I just wish I knew for sure my ex lied about some of the abuse she claimed.

I did talk to this woman who is my ex's " ex friend" and she told me my ex raged at her one day on the phone saying "I will not be your Counsellor!"

And the friend was then cut off for good and smeared as being a stalker.

That story feels similar to mine and I've seen my ex cut of others and never mention what she did wrong etc. I have a strong suspicion my ex lied about "almost being raped" because of the context in which she told me ie after we argued and I stormed out. She had a panic attack and played victim.

But I am still only strongly suspicious. And sometimes I feel like maybe because I was with a liar before this BPD (other ex lied excessively)- I might be paranoid

Sometimes my exBPD s words "you are too suspicious! You were burnt by your ex and you need help!" ring in my head.

Other times I think she is just projecting bs

[Diana82]

I read on this blog that...

"For people with BPD, feelings = facts. It is not the events that matter to them, but how they feel about these events that truly matter"

And "the experience of “reality” is filtered through those feelings and the person with BPD will reflect how they feel about them. If they have strong feelings about what has happened, they will actually experience things in a different manner than those of us who are rational in the face of the same events. It can hardly be called a lie in some ways because it is how they experienced reality"

Sometimes I feel maybe my ex didn't deliberately lie about abuse and almost being raped.

That is how she INTERPRETED it. To her... an eager woman on a date may be seen as threatening.

Perhaps her exgf waa playful and pushed  her on the bed which may have been seen as almost rape by my ex.

All because my ex was apparently bullied through childhood and was never validated by teachers and her parents. I think this is the root of my ex's issues...

Childhood trauma not being validated.

Her parents told her she was " too sensitive" and to "try to toughen up".

[Newton]

Diana it's understandable you are pouring over the details of what was said... .  perhaps attempting to exonerate yourself from blame and at the same time make sense of the contradictory things your ex said... .  I, and many of us here have been through exactly the same process... .  

I know it's tough to accept... .  even if you were to line up all of those ex's and interrogate them... .  you still wouldn't arrive at the 'truth'... .  

So what is it you are searching for?... .