His mail still being delivered

[wdone]

I know I have posted a similar post a while back--but i'm struggling again with what to do about his mail coming to the house where i live.  this time, it is tax documents for this year's filing. 

i am guessing the "right thing" to do for ME is to write "return to sender" but wow, is it hard. 

i have to remember he abandoned his things, and never changes his address, even when i have brought it up many times. 

i just feel he's incapable of some of these basic things, and i feel bad sending it back. 

i am trying to remember i am not responsible. but, i sure feel like i am.

any thoughts?

thanks 

[Rose Tiger]

That's what I did.  I wrote, Not at this address, and put it back in the outgoing mail.  If it is junk mail, I'd toss it.

No one would ever grow up if people keep doing everything for them. 

[turtle]

i am guessing the "right thing" to do for ME is to write "return to sender" but wow, is it hard. 

i have to remember he abandoned his things, and never changes his address, even when i have brought it up many times. 

His mail... .  His life... .  His taxes... .  HIS responsibilities... .  not yours.

You can also just write "not at this address."  

It IS hard to let something like this go when you know it will have consequences for him.  But... .  consequences are exactly what he needs.

Do it today and get it out of your house!

No one would ever grow up if people keep doing everything for them. 

Exactly!

[wdone]

thank you.   

[tuum est61]

Hi wdone,

Back in early December you received a lot of good advice from patient and clear when your bf told you he wasnt going to be with you for Christmas by email.  I seems you are still dealing with his unwanted mail!

In those posts, you acknowledged you were "staying".   You are now posting in Undecided: Leaving or Staying.

 

Deciding what to do with his mail kinda depends on whether you are Leaving or Staying or Undecided.

Where would you say you are at now? 

[Grey Kitty]

I've not been following your story... .  what did you do with his things that he abandoned? Did you get rid of them, or keep them in a box somewhere?

If you kept his stuff somewhere, putting his mail with the stuff would be reasonable as well.

If you didn't keep his stuff, return-to-sender is reasonable.

[toliveistofly]

I still get mail from my BPDex. I shred the junk mail (credit card apps, etc) and I put the rest in a large envelope. when it gets full I take it to the post office and mail it to her office. No notes inside. No communication. I just send the mail. It costs me about $5 a month. But it gives me peace of mind; I try to forget that she is BPD and do what I would do for any old roommate. And I can sleep at night. Sometimes what is best for you can also be good for them without it being weakness on your part.

[Clearmind]

I agree that unless we face the reality of where our relationships are at we cannot set personal limits.

[wdone]

Hi wdone,

Back in early December you received a lot of good advice from patient and clear when your bf told you he wasnt going to be with you for Christmas by email.  I seems you are still dealing with his unwanted mail!

In those posts, you acknowledged you were "staying".   You are now posting in Undecided: Leaving or Staying.

 

Deciding what to do with his mail kinda depends on whether you are Leaving or Staying or Undecided.

Where would you say you are at now? 

i am undecided. i would like the answer to be "done" but i am not quite there yet... .  but "acting as if" i am to try to be... .  

[wdone]

I've not been following your story... .  what did you do with his things that he abandoned? Did you get rid of them, or keep them in a box somewhere?

If you kept his stuff somewhere, putting his mail with the stuff would be reasonable as well.

If you didn't keep his stuff, return-to-sender is reasonable.

I am about to get rid of some of his things--

I threw away some of his mail.

(THIS WAS A HUGE STEP FOR ME!)

someone i am close to said "if he is not responsible for his things, why should you be?"

so true.

i don't want to see it. i don't want to put even MORE energy into keeping it, sorting it, looking at it, sending it back. i plan to throw it away. he honestly doesn't care about it anyway. he has told me that in the times that he's come back and he has shown me that by not communictating or changing his address.

[wdone]

I still get mail from my BPDex. I shred the junk mail (credit card apps, etc) and I put the rest in a large envelope. when it gets full I take it to the post office and mail it to her office. No notes inside. No communication. I just send the mail. It costs me about $5 a month. But it gives me peace of mind; I try to forget that she is BPD and do what I would do for any old roommate. And I can sleep at night. Sometimes what is best for you can also be good for them without it being weakness on your part.

that is nice of you, and i would have been in a similar place 6 months ago, 4 years ago, 6 years ago... .  i am so tired, and detahced from his irresponsibility and illness.

your post made me feel some compassion for him (which is always in the background for me) but if i go there too much, i will call or text him to see how he is, and the whole thing will start again and he will be abusive and gone again... .  

[Rose Tiger]

That's why 'not at this address' is so freeing.  Because it puts it back on the sender to figure out where he is, and you've done your part to help them do their job.  They update their files so you don't get anything else from them.  You help them, they help you.    I'm into guilt free solutions. 

[tuum est61]

That's why 'not at this address' is so freeing.  Because it puts it back on the sender to figure out where he is, and you've done your part to help them do their job.  They update their files so you don't get anything else from them.  You help them, they help you.    I'm into guilt free solutions.  

Yes, redirecting the mail does seem to be the best wdone.  It's a classic "responding to BPD" boundary - an action completely within your control- and boundaries are useful whether staying, leaving, or undecided.

[toliveistofly]

I remembered an amusing story related to this. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I send all of her important mail to her office and shred the rest (I don't open any of it, but I can tell what is junk mail and err on the side of sending it rather than shredding it).

Less and less mail is arriving so my guess is that she is embarrassed receiving the mail at her office with my return address and so she has been changing her mailing addresses (as I asked her to months ago). A few weeks ago I was pulling out some old clothes for Goodwill and came across a pair of her old blue jeans. After allowing myself a brief memory about how good she looked in them, I folded them up, and put them inside a large flat rate envelope with her other mail. I felt it was the right thing to do (even though she stole a bunch of my stuff). But I can't help but smile when I picture her legal secretary opening a large envelope and a pair of blue jeans falling out