Want to connect with other graNPDarents

[MomofBPDAZ]

I'm new to this site and after posting on the "Supporting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD," someone suggested I start a new thread for all the grandparents of BPDs out there. So, here goes... .  

I've been searching these boards for two days looking for other grandmothers who are struggling with a BPD daughter. I'm brand new to all of this and would love to connect with other grandparents. My 41 year old daughter was just diagnosed this last week with BPD and PTSD (after 3 inpatient hospitalizations since Christmas). She was suicidal and was cutting herself. She has a husband and 4 children (2 from a former marriage and two younger children with her current husband (one of whom is autistic). Our relationship these past few weeks has in many ways been better than it's been in years. She's getting treatment now, is taking meds, and has begun to open up to me about what's going on in her mind, which is all good. But, it's also very scary because she's been tellling me some very disturbing things. I'm trying to learn all I can about BPD so I can help her. I'm committed to doing everything I can to keep her alive and support her while she goes through therapy. But, like you and others have said, I'm already exhausted both physically and mentally. She lives 3 hours away, and I've had to drop everything to go and stay there to care for my grandchildren each time she's been hospitalized. I realize there's a long road ahead for both of us, and I need to learn how to take care of myself through this process and still be there for her and her family without becoming resentful. I'm really worried about the effect her illness is having on my grandchildren. I'm grateful to all the other grandparents out there for sharing their own experiences and insights on this topic.

This is my first experience with message boards, so I may be being redundant by posting on multiple boards. In any event, I would really like to hear from other grandparents and hoping to make a connection with others in similar circumstances. Thanks!   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[somuchlove]

As you know from previous post I am a grandma.  I just wanted to say hi and would love to hear from others as well.  My dd has 3 wonderful children.  I feel that when there are children involved it changes things a little.  Boundaries, etc affect them as well as mom.  My dd is a good mom.  She has a good head on her shoulders when it comes to that part of it, however her mood swings , etc are not good for the kids.  I see them, sometimes acting out in a little of the drama they learn from their mom.  I know they say kids are resilient but... .   

When I have a little more time, I hope we all can connect and be supportive.   Great place here.  Welcome and always post when you need something.  The strength of having everyone here is amazing. 

[vivekananda]

Hi there,

I'm not a granma thank goodness but my dd is 32 and I may have some insights to offer. I am definitely interested in reading about the concerns of granparents.

cheers,

Vivek    

[MomofBPDAZ]

Thanks for posting. I really appreciate the words of support. It's helpful to know I'm not alone and have somewhere to go for advice and support from people who understand. Since she got home from the hospital I've been checking in on my daughter each day, whether it's a short email, a supportive ecard or a phone call. Do you think this is a good idea? I'm wondering if that will just encourage her to be more dependent on me and worry that she may not think I believe she can handle things on her own. I travel quite a bit and also worry what will happen when I'm not here to check on her. Am I becoming too involved? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Moochas Grasses!

[vivekananda]

Hi momofBPDAZ,

When someone, eg a friend, has been very ill, we often have an intense period of contact with them, we then ease up and the contact revert to 'normal'. So you daily contact is not unusual and you can ease up as you go, at least that's what I think.

As parent's here, what we come to realise is that we need to get to working on ourselves so that we can be the best support for our daughters. Let me introduce to you some information on boundaries. This might help you understand better the difference between support and enabling. see link below:

Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

Have you been reading the other posts from parents here? There is much to be learned by reading what others are experiencing and you are welcome to join our dialogues there.

ten cuidado abuela,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

What response do you get from you contacts with her? Maybe this can be one way to guage if you can taper the contact less frequent? How old are the gkids? Do you have independent contact with them, if they are old enough? Like, can they call you to talk on their own?

My gd7 lives with us - dh and I have custody since she was baby. DD comes and goes, though this is her 'home'. This is better overall for gd than when DD was living homeless and only came for visits. The daddy has been absent for a very long time with infrequent phone or letter contact.

Hoping things keep going in positive direction for you all.

qcr  

[MomofBPDAZ]

I have been reading posts on other boards, and it's already helped alot. Thanks so much for the support. There was a question about my grandkids. I actually have five. I have another daughter who's a single mom with a son aged 11. She's pretty messed up too and has a big problem with self image and alcohol addiction. I worry about them too. I should probably share that both my girls were molested when they were young, and I'm pretty convinced this has been a huge contributing factor. Right now, my biggest concern is my BPD daughter. She has 4 kids -- 2 from her 1st marriage (ages 19 & 16) and 2 with the man she's been married to for 12 years --  an autistic son age 11 & a daughter age 10.) Her T thinks that the PTSD issues began escalating a few years ago when her daughter turned 8 (the same age she was when she was molested). I have good but not necessarily close relationships with all the kids, not closer as we've lived in different states for the last 15 years. Since I moved back to the state last summer we're able to spend more time together. The 2 older boys are pretty closed off emotionally. The 16 year old actually moved in with his dad last summer, so he's out of the house. The youngers ones are very sweet and seem to be doing ok on the surface, but I know they're confused about what's been happening with their mom's recent hospitalizations and when I'm there, they hang on me and seem to be starving for love. My daughter and her husband have been great parents, but the household is chaotic. My SIL works the night shift and sleeps most of the day, so there's not much "normal" family life happening. That's the readers digest synopsis. If anyone has any insights, I'd love to hear from you.    

[jojospal]

Hi MomoBPDAZ, Welcome to the boards.

I am a grandma to four. One lives within an hour of me and is a joy to me in every way. Unfortunately, the three that could use a hands on grandma, live in a city 10 hours away. They are my BPD dd's kids, and it is terrible to watch the drama in which their lives revolve around.

My dd31 has had substance abuse problems in this past year. Her children are no longer living with her. The youngest,gs4 is in the care of his paternal Aunt and Uncle, and gs8 and gd 10 are living with their father.

My dd hasn't addressed her BPD in many years. I have come to accept that it is her choice not to get therapy. Each time she has an episode and goes to hospital, I cross my fingers that a professional there will recognize what it is she has, and reach out to her. Still, she doesn't see the consequences of not addressing the BPD. -Her family scattered, loss of home, possessions, and people she cares about. Anytime I have gone to her, to help her sort things out, it has eventually come to the same end. She won't do therapy and tells me that any P doc she does see tells her she isn't BPD.

As for those three children, I haven't seen them in over a year now. I get photos and stories of them through facebook and e-mail. I send them cards and presents at birthdays and Christmas. It isn't what I had hoped for, but for now, this is all I can do.

* When she was in re-hab, a Pdoc there put her on an anti psychotic drug and now her new boyfriend is telling her she doesn't need it. Not good news. 

[MomofBPDAZ]

It sounds like many grandmas here have been dealing with these issues alot longer than me, and I'm grateful for the insights. I can't imagine how hard it is to be raising grandchildren. I hope my situation never gets to that.

[Kidnapped]

Yes, I have have a gs2 by BPDd and another on the way.

I'm afraid the only insight I can offer is that grandparents are often the most influential people in a child's life.  Sure we love our kids, but they are adults and make their own choices. The little ones have to take priority, just as their parents did when they were little.  We don't necessarily have to say that out loud. It went ok when I did - but you know how unpredictable those results can be!  (I think I merely lucked out that time.) But we have to know it and show it, whether we say it out loud or not. I can't remove the conflict from the environment, but I have at least removed any hint or hope of competition between the big one and the little one. That had me worried for a while.  I mean, I still worry about him in other ways, of course.  But I flatly refuse to be yet another uncertainty in his little world.       

Best to you!

[Krudula]

Hi MomofBPDaz

Warm welcome from me too. I'm grandma to 3, my son has broken off his relationship with the pwBPD, and we are in the midst of drama and tying up the ends of that relationship, while looking after the youngest gchild. Can't wait to get our life back, but meanwhile we do the best we can for gson.

You will find the sharing on these boards therapeutic, informative and healing.

The fact that there are so many of us in contact with pwBPD is staggering, but we are all here to help and support   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

MomofBPDAZ,

 .  Anlther gma here.  MyuBPDd. age 28, has a 6 y.o. son.  She is a single mom. She has 50/50 custody of gs.  They alternate weeks.   I have my gs quite often during my dd's week.  She was working at a restaurant, and worked during his bedtime.  So, he stayed with me overnight for most of the week.

But, now she is in jail for 60 days.  I am willing to continue to have him every other week.  Although, his dad told me that it is not my responsibility and he will keep him.   I know it is not my responsibility, but I am so used to having him every other week.  I told him that I am prepared to have him, and it is up to him.   I don't need to have him for a whole week, but I would sure like to spend as much time as possible with him.  If he came from a stable r/s and a stable home, I would not feel this urge to be with him so much.   I would just sit back and enjoy a grandparent role.

And, yes, we are all here to help and support.  

peaceplease

[oglobaith]

Hi AZ, it's good you found your way here for some understanding and support.  My uBPDdd 27 has 2 children aged 4 and 6.  The 6yr old lived with me and her grandpa for over 2 yrs but was returned to dd by a 'family' court on Dec 24th despite her making it clear she wanted to remain with us - dd managed to put on the front that we are bad controlling people and she's fine (I see that a lot of people with BPD traits are good at concealing the truth and berating others).

Right now we have contact by order of court three hours every Wed eve and all day every Sat with a sleepover on a Friday once every 3 weeks. 

I'm sure you're doing all the right things.  We feel we need to affirm the gd and gs as much as possible while they are with us and assure them that none of their mom's problems are their fault (sadly this is what they often feel), and that we are their family - we use our time to give them experiences they wouldn't have with dd (gd has gym lessons, gs does swimming, we'll be going to museums, galleries, stately homes, exhibitions etc), to keep them in touch with their extended family, and also to show them how they can look to God for strength and love too.

We have ordered some of the books suggested on this forum to read with the children, and are constantly looking for other resources to build their resilience and self esteem.

We also have 2 other grandons, one whom I care for every thursday (he's 6 months) and his brother aged 9 in school hols.

Take care and look after yourself too - that's really important in this situation as you can't keep giving out if you don't.

[pessim-optimist]

 

Welcome momofBPDAZ!

And hi to all the other gmas out there. I'm a step-grandma to 3 (12, 10, 8).

We found out last year about BPD, our ud32 went off the deep end then with wild accusations and irrational and abusive behavior, then it escalated into n/c with occasional hostile e-mail from her.

Needless to say, we haven't been able to talk to or see our grandkids for a year, which hurts, and we worry about them.

They try to cope, but we can see the confusion, and general lack of skills and lag in personal development - they are ok academically, but on a personal level they are way behind.

We hoped to be a stabilizing force in their lives, but d32 gets jealous when the attention is not solely on her, so it was a careful dance of balance, so the kids would not suffer for the attention they were getting... .  Since I'm a step-grandma, it also triggered fears in her that I was "trying to steal the affection of her kids". It made me SO SAD, I just felt if only she would show them affection, they wouldn't so desperately seek it anywhere they could get it (especially her d - she is so starved for affection, she used to give hugs to her school-teacher)... .  

So sad... .  We would love to tell the kids we love them and miss them, but they have been made to believe we left the country without saying good bye, and that we would never see them again (total fabrication!)

Anybody have an idea how to battle this?

In face of such retaliation, I have a hard time believing that there is no forethought to this.

[oglobaith]

Hi, pesim-optomist -  as you,ve no doubt gathered, we all have different scenarios in our lives from this horrid condition and no glove fits all, but there's certainly a lot we can offer each other.  My take on your situation may be that the only way around it for the sake of your step grandkids is to try and validate their mother as much as possible.  Sometimes it goes against the grain as you feel you're being hypocritical, but in my experience as far as grandchildren are concerned it's a means to an end.  Our uBPDd aged 27 is much more 'relaxed' about us having contact with our grandkids when we are 'sympathizing' and acknowledging verbally of her feelings and we have learned that despite something in ourselves wanting to explain to her that she's not putting their needs first it doesn't work with her. The pwBPD seems to feel the need to keep those they 'own' to themselves and any suspicion in their minds that there's any competition has the effect of their wanting to protect what they've got even though it's to the detriment of those concerned or even their relationship with the 'prized owned' person(s), be they children or adults.  It's like walking a tightrope - maybe if you made some kind of apology (even if you don't feel you were in any way to blame) and tackled it from the point of view of walking with her through this illness as she sees it instead of protecting her children (as she sees it) you may persuade her that the kids are fine with you - it's like going around a minefield to get to the centre if you see what I mean - crazy, but that's what BPD is  :'(    .  I'm sure you're doing your best - as others have indicated while grandchildren are young we all feel we need to be there for them, and the book 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' advises that the more contact children of BPD mothers can have with SO who are not affected and can validate THEM, the better for their long-term mental health.  We find ourselves in the anguished position of having seen our gd thriving and happy living for over 2 yrs in our home and attending an outstanding school, to now having to mitigate the damage occuring in her life while she's now living with BPD mum and not attending school.  We are adjusting our lives even more now to accommodate this than when she was living with us as it involves having gs 4 as well(mum was keeping him from us before) and we can't go away any weekends (before gd could stay with other family who love her if we wanted to go away).  Such is the joy of grandparenting - knowing you're making a difference to little people who can't get out of a hard place.  Blessings x   

[swampped]

Dear Other Grandmas:      It is so good to know there are so many of us here---I have been lurking and occasionally posting for three years now, and I had no idea how many of us there are.  Our situation is that of a uBPD dil, with our gd4 living six hours away, and our last visit with her in December.   We get to see her about twice a year, not because of not being willing or able to go there, but because of the walking on eggshells that a visit entails.  Our ds and dil were officially divorced in December, although they have been separated for two years.  He finally has a steady minimum wage job; dil does not work; we send my social security check monthly to ds for their support and to keep gd4 safe.  That arrangement allows ds to have contact with his daughter, as he must endorse the check.  So we are buying time, literally.  After much anger, guilt,  pain and depression, dh and I have decided that this arrangement gives us some peace of mind, and is probably the best we can do for that dear little girl.  We send gifts, of course, and swap photos and occasional calls or skypes, but have found that by setting boundaries and letting dil initiate contact with us on days that are good for her, that we can keep some sort of relationship with gd4.  She seems to be doing reasonably well so far, but I have no delusions about the potential minefield that she walks as the future unfolds.  uBPDdil has lost custody of her two older children, who live with their father, and visit their mother occasionally.   THis is such a sad situation, as it is for all of us, and I see no solution that others have not tried.  This BPD thing is a poison that affects everyone within reach, and most especially the children.  DH and I have found much support from AlAnon; its lessons on detachment with love and letting go and letting God are so applicable to all of these ripple effects of BPD.  I think of this as a state of "chronic sorrow", and pray for the serenity to deal with it and for the best possible outcome for these innocent children.  I am so grateful for this site and the sharing that goes on here.  I wish I had something wise to offer you.         Swampped

Dts

[MomofBPDAZ]

Reading all the comments from other grandparents makes me both sad and hopeful. We may not be able to do as much as we'd like to impact the BPD relative and grandkids, but we can help each other even if it's just to say "you're not alone." My daughter is still struggling with suicidal thoughts and told me tonight she's considering electroshock therapy. Has anyone heard of this as an effective treatment for BPD?