"The Ball's in your court"

[Vatz]

My BPDGF and I talked about tomorrow. I start classes tomorrow but it's at almost 4 pm. So I have time in the morning.

I asked my folks about her coming over to help her find a place, if at least just to search for a few days. They said "No, you have college." But the thing is, college will not interfere. I know it's their rules but I'm having a hard time with all this.

So I tell my GF that I have a number she could call, but I also don't know how much else I can do at the moment. I'm stuck, so is she apparently. But then she says "The ball is in your court" and all I can think of is "No, no it's not." I tell her that it isn't entirely. She doesn't want to continue the conversation. Which I suppose is fine. Thing is, I WANT to help. I care and I want to be supportive but I'm stuck. I'm gonna look for some on-campus work, I have a seasonal job at the moment but it hasn't panned out due to the hurricane that hit recently.

What do you do when your resources don't hold up to the challenge?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

Hi Vatz,

Im not quite sure the context of your post.

When she says - 'the ball is in your court' - I dont understand what this is referring to.

And your GF was being pushed out by her parents if I remember right.  But at the same time it was unclear if they would go through with it.

Not sure the question you are asking here.

But as for living within your means... .  its not a choice, its a requirement.  So you have to work within the resources you have (with some cushion, otherwise if something happens there is nothing to fall back on).

Think long term.  What you are doing right now wont be what you are doing 10 years from now.  So consider that long term goal as you decide what is best.  You have to figure yourself out, and your GF has to figure HERself out, and then once you each are on solid ground you can decide what overlap there is between you.

[Vatz]

"The ball is in your court"

That was her response when I said that there isn't much I can do at the moment. I can try to talk to the folks, and maybe work SOMETHING out, but if that fails, there's little I can do. Yes, I can get a more steady job, but the benefits of that won't kick in for several months. But it feels like she's expecting me to just rescue her. I cannot do that. She didn't rage though, and we didn't go to bed angry.

One of the big hurdles is her pet ferret. That's the big reason she can't come by. No one at her house is willing to just put food in it's bowl and give it water. Last time she asked her brother, he just got angry and said the animal was her responsibility. He said he'd do it but it would be the last time.

Only reason she even had to leave her house was because I had the flu, had a big fever and she came by to help take care of me. When she said I was really sick her brother just said "I don't give a      about him!" (He was on speaker phone.)

As angry as I am at him for saying what he did (I've helped set up for his kid's birthday parties before.) I get that the animal isn't his responsibility and he does reserve the right to say "no."

Actually I think the whole argument between her and her brother is why she's getting kicked out. In that I mean it was that straw that broke the camel's back.

But I digress... .  

Anyway, Yeeter, you make a really good point. I won't be here in 10 years. I have things that need to be done. It feels that many decisions I'm making are all based on how someone reacts towards me. I don't want to move this fast (Still in school, and have other goals I actually want to achieve in the next few years), yet I always feel it's my obligation to others that dictates what I do and the timeline I have to do it in.

[Somewhere]

You may not want to hear it, but . . . .

Set the ball down and do not play.

Sorry, your folks are correct -- school is #1.  

If you need some crazy stuff in your life, it will be available later.


"The problem" is not the ferret.  It is that her family has figured out that she is a user, and are tired of being used.  Let this mess move in on you and you will figure that out, too.

[Elsegundo]

Vatz:

You seem like a very caring, compassionate person.  

Lots of folks on here are giving you good advice, some of which you seem to already know intrinsically.  You HAVE to take care of YOURSELF FIRST.  That's the ONLY way a r/s has a chance to work.  And, SHE has to take care of HERSELF.  

No matter how hard you try, you can't rescue her.  There will always be more to fix, and you'll never stop, which is especially tricky since doing so suggests she CAN'T; she can!  She managed to live a life before she met you and is able to now.  Your gf is totally capable of solving her own problems.  She may be scared, sure, but there are lots of ways she can OWN this problem.  If she can't come to your house to search for housing, there are libraries, other friends with computers, newspapers she can access.  The ball shouldn't be in your court for HER housing issue.  

Same thing with her ferret.  There's more than one way to solve that problem--if she wants to.   That's what responsibility means: figuring out how to follow through with obligations.

You can be there to listen, to support, even to move some boxes with her if she does move, like you would for a good friend, but you can't have her issues interfere with your school or goals.  And, she shouldn't expect you to.  Your needs are just as important as hers.    

We're all here supporting you, trying to help you learn from our successes and our mistakes.  

[yeeter]

yet I always feel it's my obligation to others that dictates what I do and the timeline I have to do it in.

Stop doing this.  (a simple statement, but SO hard to do!)

This is exactly the type of thing we mean when we say we have to work on our own stuff.  This type of thing is keeping you wrapped up in the relationship in unhealthy ways.

It sounds like you have some thoughts for yourself and where you want to go.  Dont be afraid to live it.  In fact, MAKE it happen for yourself! 

[shatra]

Hi

  Loke yeeter, I am unsure of what you mean by her saying----

The ball is in your court

  Does this mean she is leaving the next move or choice up to you?

Does it mean she really doesnt care what you decide to do (I don;t think it means that, I a m just wondering if the phrase means  The ball is in your court, do what u want, I don't really care)

What does the sentence actually mean?

Shatrta

[Vatz]

All good advice.

I mean, I'm aware that my best bet is taking care of myself. But part of me is unsure of what "taking care of myself" actually is. I mean, I got goals and I'm working toward them.

Part of me feels like yeah I should probably start getting a few things together myself, but certainly not at this frantic pace. I wasn't the one who got kicked out, nor am I the reason she got kicked out either. Whether she's a user or not is debatable but it certainly is within the realm of possibility.

I also keep telling her to really smooth things over with her mother, and even tell her brother that he did have some good points at the family meeting (I was there, it was probably one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever just being there.) But she says there's nothing else to say to her mom (I beg to differ, there's a ton of negotiation points she has) and REFUSES to talk to her brother. I practically give her the "cheat sheet" to this problem and she DOESN'T WANT TO USE IT, doesn't want to do it. Then gets angry because I'm not doing more for her. I understand her situation, but she isn't helping herself one way or the other.

She isn't digging herself out of this hole, even after I give her possible ways of doing so.

[yeeter]

Someone here had a saying after trying to help their adult child - who wasnt paying health insurance on themselves but still had money for cigarettes, beer, play toys.  The person finally realized they were enabling because they paid the health insurance, because it 'should' be a priority and 'should' be important.  But it clearly wasnt the the person that needed it - so solving it for them was really just enabling.

They developed the mantra:

"I refuse to care about it more than you do"

Meaning, if they really felt it was important and cared about it, then they would prioritize it.  There WERE solutions.  But ultimately its up to the individual to act on them.

[Vatz]

Someone here had a saying after trying to help their adult child - who wasnt paying health insurance on themselves but still had money for cigarettes, beer, play toys.  The person finally realized they were enabling because they paid the health insurance, because it 'should' be a priority and 'should' be important.  But it clearly wasnt the the person that needed it - so solving it for them was really just enabling.

They developed the mantra:

"I refuse to care about it more than you do"

Meaning, if they really felt it was important and cared about it, then they would prioritize it.  There WERE solutions.  But ultimately its up to the individual to act on them.

See that's what I'm talking about.

I've argued with my folks, that's inevitable. I don't waste their money and when they put their foot down on an issue, I don't shut down or yell or starting whining about how they are wrong. If she spent that energy to calmly work something out, her folks wouldn't have issues with her.

It's frustrating because you try and the other person doesn't even acknowledge the possibility. Also because it spills over to me.

But it's also sad because you actually care about the person, but there is only so much you can do and they demand more.

And everyone here has made some interesting points. The support is much appreciated. Even the slightly more harsh answers make sense (that refers to this topic and other recent ones.)

[shatra]

hi

   to clarify----

"The ball is in your court"  does not mean "do what you want, I don't care what ever you decide'... .  

it really means "I will leave the next move up to you"

  Is that correct?

Shatra

[Vatz]

hi

   to clarify----

"The ball is in your court"  does not mean "do what you want, I don't care what ever you decide'... .  

it really means "I will leave the next move up to you"

  Is that correct?

Shatra

Yeah, it does mean that.