The weight of the darkness

[Foreverhopefull]

I'm struggling with one part of our life lately.

The weight of the darkness. The constant putting down of themselves.

I'm don't know about just what I could ever say to convince him that he is worth loving.

I know it's my personally made weight, but I don't ever want him to ever think, even for a fraction of a second, that he is not worth loving.

We've been together for 19 years and I dream of many many more years together, but he keeps reminding me that this is not in his plans. He doesn't want to grow old, that 40 is enough (which he is turning next month). Thing that hurts the most, is that I know that he's telling the truth.

Does anyone has any ways they deal with that darkness floating over their pwBPD? I know that I can't dwell on it, but it's been really bugging me lately.

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[GreenTea]

Foreverhopefull: I've heard the same from my H since we've been married (15 years). The one way that I was able to deal with it was to emotionally detach. Mine too told me he'll be dead by the time he's 40 (a year away). There was/is never anything that I could ever say for him to realize his value. His response: if my own mother doesn't love me, then nobody ever will. This is not true for his mother does love him a great deal. But there one's dealing with his feelings=facts. I know it hurts, but I had to detach from him to maintain some sense of sanity.

[briefcase]

I found turning 40 surprisingly difficult, and I had never struggled with aging before.  Add some BPD and depression into the mix and it can be a dark situation indeed.  I have two thoughts.  One about him, and one about you. 

First you, its important that you keep your stuff seperate from his stuff about all this.  It's easy to get enmeshed in all this.  It's not your job to "convince" him of anything.  You can only help support him if you are in a strong position and taking care of yourself.

As for him, it's important that he get some help. If you think he is feeling suicidal, you need to confront that issue openly with him.  We have a workshop on how to go about that. 

I feel for you.  You are in a tought spot and we are pulling for you. 

[hithere]

my exBPD simply told everyone that it was her 39th birthday instead of her 40th.  She told me she was going to kill herself when she got ugly and has had multiple plastic surgeries to maintain/enhance her looks.

It is sad that they chase a carrot they will never catch.

[Foreverhopefull]

His issue is not with turning 40, it's just a number for him. He tells everyone he's 40 going on 90. Which is why he feels it's enough.

He does see his T every week, his psychiatrist every 2 months and our doctor every 3 months. He has allot of professional help, is it enough... .  sometimes I'm not sure.

I try not to get taken in by his black cloud, but being a "mother hen", it's hard for me to see someone hurting. I remind myself that he has a T and that's her job. All I can do is remind him that he has services to get him the help that he needs since it's not something I can do for him.

He had a session with his T yesterday and I reminded him that he might want to talk about this black cloud that's been over him lately. He said he would but since he didn't talk about his session yesterday, I have no clue if it was discussed.

Thank you for your thoughts and comments.