My sister has BPD - how do I cope with her and parents that continue denial?

[Grace_Hope_Love]

My sister is 11 years younger than me. Since she was 16 she began writing poems glamorizing death and suicide. She'd leave them purposely where my Mom could find them which would in turn reduce my Mom to sobbing fits. I don't have a clue as to how often that occurred since I was not living at the house at that time. ... .  That was just the start.

She threw a rage at her best friend because she got a cell phone for her birthday. I don't know all the details other than the fact that her friend never did talk to her again. These occurrences happened over the years with other people and I'm sure I only heard about some of them. The worst rages were the ones directed at my parents. My parents took her to Ireland for her birthday when she was in collage. When they were in their hotel room my dad started to play his guitar and my sister raged at him for playing his guitar when others might be trying to sleep. She swore and raged at him and then called a taxi to take her to the airport. After spending some time at the airport she called my parents and said she was coming back.

I felt so bad for my parents, and still do. Here they wanted to bring a child into the world, my Mom carried her for 9 months, they loved her throughout her childhood ... and her outbursts, to me, feel like she is a childish, ungrateful jerk. I can't help feeling very angry at her mixed with empathy. ... And then I have times of anger or frustration with my parents (which I never express) because they know it happened but so much of the time they just drop it as if it never happened.

She lives 2000 miles from all of the rest of the family members right now so she doesn't have access to us physically very often. She's one of these BPD that is highly successful and functional and she obsesses with buying shoes and clothes. However, she does call my Mom and Dad often to cry about something or tell them how sad she is. Those calls often happen when there is a family gathering that she couldn't attend. She brings everyone down.

She had never attacked me verbally until about 5 years ago. The last attack was a few days ago when she was at my parent's house to be there for my Dad's surgery. She raged at both my mom and me, said, "F__k you!" to both of us and continued stomping, slamming doors, etc. My Mom in the meantime has burst into tears and I try to comfort her, hugging her and crying too. She certainly didn't need that when my Dad needs her. There's a long story to this one but I'll just say that in trying to defend my Mom I went upstairs to tell my sister that she should think a little bit more about Mom right now and not act so selfishly. She told me to look in the mirror to see selfish, told me I am a sponge, and that I'm dumber than a box of rocks. ... Okay, so now I'm really angry and I slap her across the face. She slams the door on me but continues to taunt at me so I walk away. I wish I hadn't slapped her ... not so much because I wish I hadn't done the act but because now she's used my act of slapping her as ammunition to turn the whole rage thing around.

The next day I did hug her and listen to her ... I do have empathy for her. I wish that she could be happy.

Yesterday I talked to our pastor about my mixed feelings of anger and hurt (yes, I personalize things) from what she said to me, to my empathy towards her. How do I deal with it? I love her but I don't like her. I want to like her and I have liked her but she attacked me so viciously and seeing what she did to my Mom is a memory that I can't erase or forget.

When I came back from talking to the pastor my mom asked what I talked with him about. So I told her. She was very upset with me for talking to him about it. And then My Dad chimed in to tell me not to try to give advice to my sister when we (my mom and I ) were the cause of her anger. My Mom wants to try to avoid anything that might lead to these outbursts.  My Mom had taken my sister to the airport that morning and found the need to tell me that my sister is very upset that I slapped her.

My problem with this last paragraph is that though my parents recognize that my sister has a problem they don't or aren't ready to deal with the "label" I've given her problem. So instead there is still a lot of denial or shifting the blame to someone else who must have caused my sister's outbursts. It feels like not only did I get attacked by my sister but that I'm also to blame for her attack on me (no support from parents for what I felt).

Does anyone have any experience with this? It's very troubling to have this happen in my own family but then to have everything twisted and manipulated so that the blame is shifted seems nuts!

[Surnia]

 

Grace_Hope_Love

So sorry to hear about your very difficult situation between your sister on one side and your parents on the other. I feel your wish to help and make the situation better for all.

Great you found us. Many members here can support you and we have a lot of helpful recources.

This video could be a good start: Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD .

Do you have other siblings?

Is you sister diagnosed or in treatment?

Please stay tuned, Grace_Love_Hope!

Surnia

[Grace_Hope_Love]

Thank you Surnia,

Thank you for your empathy and understanding. Yes, its a tough situation to be in. I want to share resources and help with my parents but they have to be ready for it and I don't find them to be. I do understand that it is easier for me to accept the situation than it would be for them. For parents they could easily see themselves have having done something to cause this in my sister. So I understand how blame and guilt could pose a harder time of true acceptance.

Now that I've analyzed my parents behavior over the years I wonder if its the reaction to my sisters problems with BPD and their constant trying to protect her, cover for her, and deny. They've changed over the years from seemingly easier going and fun loving, to worrisome, fearful and often passive agressive, at least in my observation. Understandably, some of this results from my Dad's health deteriorating. But I've read how people start to believe some of the distortions that BPDs have, if they keep throwing them at you... .  and it seems that some of their outlooks on me or other people are very in line with things that my sister rages about. This makes it hard not to walk on eggshells around my own parents!


As far as I know my sister hasn't been officially diagnosed. However, she has seen a psychologist off and on (she's off now). My parents apparently went to see a psychologist to know more about what it is that my sister is going through. I don't know if the psychologist gave her BPD the label or not. However, I'm pretty comfortable labeling her condition as such and I've needed to in order to find help and take care of myself within this chaos. I'm not around it much so I can't imagine what my parents must go through.

I do have 2 other siblings besides my sister. I am the oldest, I have a brother who is just 1 1/2 years younger and then another brother who is 9 years younger. My sister is 11 years younger. The brother just older than her received a lot of attention when he was little ... pretty much monopolized the attention. I don't know if she felt abandoned in that or exactly what was going on. My other brother and I are like two separate families with so many years in the gap between us and the younger ones.

My sister got outraged at my Dad a few years ago when she was going through her second divorce (and lived close to my parents). She wrote a scathing letter to him, telling him that now he'd be rid of the problem in his life (her) ... .  and then she proceeded a "suicide attempt" by swallowing a bunch of pills and drinking alcohol. Apparently it was her husband that found her asleep with the note. My parents were notified but the police or hospital were never called. ... .  I know they are afraid she'd lose her job, so being in the real treatment she needs has never happened. This is a bit outrageous in my mind too. I'd have called the police in a second... .  not because I want her to lose her job, but because I'd be more concerned for her life. I attribute the non action as more denial?

I know I'm venting a lot and I appreciate your ears. It helps just this out and my feelings about it. Thank you for this forum. I'm glad I found it too!

I will check out the video now thanks!