physical attacks

[Sammamish]

Hi All

Its been a while since I posted here. After several rages before Christmas, my uBPDw had been much calmer over the last month or so, mainly due to her self medicating (marijuana). But things have just blown up and I had to leave the house after she started attacking me. I tried to get out once, but she blocked the door and Im very wary about using any physical force, even to get myself out of the house. She kept raging - telling me I had disrespected her and constantly made her feel small and insignificant. She felt like she was constantly being ignored, that I am constantly belittling her and I had no idea the effect my words are having on her (I feel like she does exactly the same thing to me). She started punching/kicking and smashing things again this time and I ran out the door while I had the chance.

I have told her before that there is NO excuse for violence, that I will not put up with it, but it is clear that she feels her violence is justified, ie that my behaviors hurt her just as much as her physical violence hurts me -  Im very wary of any accusations she now makes and how these may be used against me. I know I just have to get myself out of the house when she gets violent without using any force - but as I said above, this can be easier said then done, especially when she physically prevents me from getting out the door.

So, aside from this incident (which is not a regular occurrence but once is more than enough), I'm not sure I can continue with this marriage anymore. Her rages come from nowhere and I dont feel I have much control until its too late. I am aware of using JADE but I feel it does no good when she goes into a rage so quickly. I do have the tendency to shut down when she gets verbally/emotionally abusive, but thats my own way of protecting myself, while I know that this is probably the catalyst as she is not feeling validated. But she inevitably turns our conversations around, and after starting the argument she attacks me, and THEN turns herself into the victim.

I'm a long way from family/friends right now so I dont have anywhere else to go except check into a hotel. Right now I just want to leave, file for divorce and be done with it, I feel like I've already wasted the last 6 years of my life with this woman (weve only been married for 6 months - after a long term/long distance relationship, but her BPD-type behaviour have only come to light since we got married). I cant be in this toxic, abusive relationship anymore. Now that I realize she likely has some sort of mental illness, Im not even sure Im in love with her anymore, and my own mental health has suffered over the last 6 months. I feel like I have to go into self-preservation mode now.

Its more than likely that I am now in this relationship as a result of my own co-dependency issues, and a certain amount of pride is at stake, so I havent really reached out to family/friends (many people questioned my own sanity for getting married to this woman!) She has recently been to therapy for her anger but as far as I know, there has been no mention of BPD. I was going to a therapist for a while myself but couldn't afford to keep going. The therapist was a relational psychologist which has made me realize that I had my own issues prior to his relationship, and I know these need to be dealt with, but right now this toxic relationship is only making me worse.

Not sure what else to do. I didn't even have time to grab any stuff so I will have to go back to the house at some stage soon. When she is not smoking she is totally unpredictable so Im unsure about going back to the house. The police have already been called - before christmas - after my wife started smashing up the place. I made the mistake of not leaving the house that time, so I will not be doing that again. The police did not take any record on that occasion but said that if they were called again this would be recorded and likely go before a court.

[artman.1]

Sammamish,

     She must be held accountable for her violent actions.  Once she pays a penalty for her violent and abusive behaviors, she will hold herself in check.  You are enabling her by not allowing her to be held accountable.  Try to record her outbursts so there is proof that she behaved badly, rather than you if she lies about it and accuses you.

Art

[tuum est61]

Hi All

I didn't even have time to grab any stuff so I will have to go back to the house at some stage soon. When she is not smoking she is totally unpredictable so Im unsure about going back to the house. The police have already been called - before christmas - after my wife started smashing up the place. I made the mistake of not leaving the house that time, so I will not be doing that again. The police did not take any record on that occasion but said that if they were called again this would be recorded and likely go before a court.

Where are you staying in the meantime?  What "stuff" do you need?  :)oes she work or is otherwise out of the house at anytime?   When you say the police "did not take any record," on whom did they "not take a record on" in your view - you or her?

[Sammamish]

Art/Tuum

Thanks for replies.

Art - what sort of penalty do you mean? Other than leaving the house for a while,  its difficult to make her to see the consequences of her actions (leaving isn't really practical as I have nowhere else to go - except for a hotel - the only real alternative is to check into a hotel for a few days or else leave the country and go to family overseas).

Tuum - I usually end up going back to house after she has calmed down. My essentials are really just a laptop, credit cards, change of clothes. She works during the day several days a week, so I do have access to house while she is out. Re: the police - I was in the house when they called.  My w had already left the house (usually its me). The police just gave me a warning about the potential consequences if they were called out to another domestic disturbance and suggested that in future I leave before things got out of hand.

[tuum est61]

Unlike Artman, I don't think you can ever hold a pwBPD "accountable". The legal system can hold adults accountable but one partner enforcing accountability on another in a romantic relationship - BPD or not - is contrary to what such a relationship is based on and seems folly (and frankly mission impossible with my W - not even Ethan Hunt could pull that off. )

You can set boundaries - which you have done by leaving.  It works but leaving all the time is contrary to an ongoing relationship as well. So is withdrawing and going silent as well.

Only you can assess the level of risk of further difficulties with the police if you go back to the house, however you did leave on poor terms - without your personal items. If you've gone back before, you can likely do so again. What the challenge will be is to learn how to set boundaries without it escalating to the 911 stage.

To that end, tell me more about what you may have done to validate your W's feelings.  She's likely got a "list" of your transgressions that she pulls out when she's not self medicating.  Pick a couple of her most important concerns (the unfairer thebetter) and tell me how you typically respond.

And again, where are you staying now?

[Sammamish]

 I stayed away for most of the day and came back once she had calmed down.

The arguments usually flare up when she is being overly critical, like she is intent on starting an argument. Her rages seem inevitable, and any response by me, even no response or refusal to argue is a trigger. I'm having problems validating and accepting her behaviour, especially when shes being totally unfair and unreasonable with her criticism. Its very difficult to validate and ignore her constant attempts to start an argument, while at the same time setting boundaries without being weak and ineffective. Its like she is constantly testing me. I've told her repeatedly that physical violence is not acceptable but she blames me for her anger getting out of control.

I would like to set firmer boundaries, like no verbal abuse of any kind, but Im having enough trouble dealing with physical attacks.

Her smoking also really bothers me now as its becoming a crutch for her and makes things even more unpredictable. She can see Im upset about things and asks me whats wrong but Im afraid to bring my concerns/ issues up in case its starts start another argument.

[tuum est61]

First of all, physical attacks must be met with a boundary of departure and/or police intervention. You have been setting a proper boundary by leaving when she attacks you - keep doing that.    But remember, setting a boundary on this is about what YOU do (ie. leaving) when she attacks; it is NOT about trying to stop her actions with your words.  The same approach applies to verbal abuse or her smoking - leave when she does both.

I assume your leaving or silence triggers her - or in other words, makes her feel badly.  So validate that she's upset that you are leaving as you leave by saying "I understand you feel badly when I leave." "You don't like me being away" "It must be hard that my actions cause you to feel so badly that you have to hit me."

Validating is not about a accepting her behavior; it's about accepting what she is feeling and telling her - even including her frustration with you leaving when she attacks you!

[Sammamish]

Thanks Tuum - I feel that me leaving when she rages is all I can do but I feel she is getting used to me returning so I'm not sure if she sees any negative consequences of her rages. I also now feel that I will have to stay away for a day or two if it happens again - to show her that I am serious about physical violence as a boundary.

I am also uncertain about my other boundaries which are less clear-cut - e.g. I am unhappy about her smoking /drinking most nights, but I accept these are a means of coping/relaxing. So at what point does doing nothing equate to enabling? She knows I'm not happy but she continues to do self-medicate - I guess I am more concerned about her reliance on weed/alcohol as a long-term coping mechanism and avoidance of dealing with the underlying causes...

On this subject - Does anyone have any tips for establishing and maintaining boundaries to deal with these sorts of behaviours? And how to talk about them? I have brought it up but she says she doesnt want to talk about it. I understand that boundaries are about behaviours that we are not prepared to put up with, rather than changing the pwBPD. I just feel that by putting up with this behaviour then I am effectively enabling her. At the same time, I need to make it clear that I'm worried about her health long-term.

S

[tuum est61]

Thanks Tuum - I feel that me leaving when she rages is all I can do but I feel she is getting used to me returning so I'm not sure if she sees any negative consequences of her rages. I also now feel that I will have to stay away for a day or two if it happens again - to show her that I am serious about physical violence as a boundary.

I am also uncertain about my other boundaries which are less clear-cut - e.g. I am unhappy about her smoking /drinking most nights, but I accept these are a means of coping/relaxing. So at what point does doing nothing equate to enabling? She knows I'm not happy but she continues to do self-medicate - I guess I am more concerned about her reliance on weed/alcohol as a long-term coping mechanism and avoidance of dealing with the underlying causes...

On this subject - Does anyone have any tips for establishing and maintaining boundaries to deal with these sorts of behaviours? And how to talk about them? I have brought it up but she says she doesnt want to talk about it. I understand that boundaries are about behaviours that we are not prepared to put up with, rather than changing the pwBPD. I just feel that by putting up with this behaviour then I am effectively enabling her. At the same time, I need to make it clear that I'm worried about her health long-term.

S

Leaving when she rages is to make things better for you - first it stops or prevents the physical attacks and verbal abuse and second it keeps you out of a potential police action on you.

It may or may not result in any consequences for her.  She may or may not "change" because of your actions but you have set a boundary that is important for your health and well being.  

The only boundaries you can set around her smoking pot and drinking are again, choosing to not be in her presence when she does so, or, of applicable, not driving her to pick it up or picking it up yourself.  I fairly recently stopped buying my W cigarettes. It created a few tense moments; she doesn't ask anymore.  

Using the phrase "putting up with her behavior", implies that you think her behavior is yours to control.  Because its not (even God grants us free will).  Not stopping her is not enabling her.

But do go ahead, at opportune times, to let her know there's things bother/worry you - certainly not when she's raging or you are upset - and keep the focus on what she means to you - not what she is doing to herself.  

[TheRealSully]

I would always leave a violent spouse or partner in a relationship for good.

My ex BPD wife of 10 year knew this. 

She used to hurl things at her other exes, but I think she may have tried that once and realized I'd just walk out forever.  No question about it.

There is no excuse for violent behavior in a relationship and those who are violent should be left to be with other violent people if they like it so much. 

[Newton]

Sammamish... .  I will fundamentally disagree with some of the advice you have been given in this thread... .  I think it is buying a tad too much into the lessons here and attempting to follow them to a point that may actually affect your personal safety... .  here is my two cents (or rather 'pennies' as a brit!)... .  

-Good work on not engaging in JADE... .  

-The merest hint of physical threats or actual violence... .  don't talk... .  just walk.  There is no need for validation when things have degraded to this level... .  the priority is to look after yourself, in the moment.

-If you feel threatened... .  call the police again, again, again. Bore them into responding if you need to.

-If you can afford to buy a voice recorder... .  do it and use it.


I am REALLY concerned about your situation... .  


If she is triggered by you leaving... .  so what... .  you are safe.

If she is triggered by your boundaries... .  so what... .  you left... .  you are safe.

From reading your posts she seems incredibly unstable... .  and I am concerned you will soon be engaged in a violent conflict where you defend yourself and end up with a false allegation against you... .  or you are seriously injured.

I am speaking from experience... .  first sign of physical confrontation... .  walk away... .  call the police... .  don't be fearful of consequence.

[Surnia]

Sammamish

So sorry about the difficult marriage and the physical attacks! 

If you can afford it I would consider a separation with a hotel. I agree with you, it is not good to wait until you get blocked and there is a risk you are loosing control and she can call the police... .  other members had to endure this  :'(

Once you are living separated it is easier to think about the future.

Being co-dependent: On important thing is that we start to take care of ourselves. A separation could be a first step to do so.

[Sammamish]

Thanks a lot for your thoughts/concerns.

I fear she is getting more unstable, so I am preparing to leave, at least for a few days. There is now a vicious circle happening. Basically, as a result of her physical attacks, I have become withdrawn and showed her little affection, which in turn is making her feel even more neglected. I told her the reason I was not being affectionate was that I was still hurting (physically - i can still feel the bruises on my back and legs). After first thinking that there was no excuse for physical violence, she had me convinced that I was being emotionally abusive eg by not meeting her needs or by being co dependent to the point that I was enabling and controlling her behaviour. None of this of course is healthy and I know I need to do something. I guess I'm afraid of ending the relationship, and what the repercussions could be.

I told her that she had hurt me physically and emotionally. I also told her I knew she was hurting and I wanted to help. I am now trying to analyse my own behaviours to understand how I've been neglectful of her feelings and needs. The thing is, I obviously cant tell her the reason I am withdrawing - ie due to her instability and BPD behaviours - and this is only adding to her insecurities.

She said earlier that she wanted a divorce and can't do this anymore - that I am not meeting her needs etc, and that she just wants it to be over between us. After her recent behaviour, I am not completely opposed to the idea - though I am not sure how serious she was when she said that, as she then started talking about our relationship as if it were salvagable. I think separation at the very least may be good idea for both of us - that may mean going back overseas to my family and having to explain everything. The other thing is - while part of me is in self-preservation mode, the other part of me sees the pain she is in and just wants to get her help before she does serious harm to herself. Noone (other than our neighbours) have any idea how bad things have become. Neither her nor my family/friends have any idea but I feel I need to tell someone before she hurts herself. I also have concerns about giving any details to people in case it turns into a hate campaign against me.

[Surnia]

I fear she is getting more unstable, so I am preparing to leave, at least for a few days. There is now a vicious circle happening. Basically, as a result of her physical attacks, I have become withdrawn and showed her little affection, which in turn is making her feel even more neglected.

This is what happens very often. I agree with you, sometimes it is better to be spacial separated to stop this circle. What could be helpful for both of you to make some agreement like e.g. "I move out and x weeks lets have talk how we see the future", so it is not completly open end/sliding.

[Sammamish]

Thanks for your post Surnia. I'm not sure we're capable of having a conversation like that, at least if we do it will likely be on her terms.

She has calmed down a bit, no more violence yet, but still slightly dysregulated. I am doing research into DV and have called some local numbers (including a domestic violence hotline - thanks Tuum). I'm reluctant to call the police at this stage, as I was told by the advisor that arrest is mandatory where I am, and that its not always the perpetrator that is arrested. From what I have read, its best to have firm evidence (eg recordings) before making an official complaint. For anyone thats interested, I found this interesting article (its specifically deals with DV issues for men but raises some interesting points):

www.huffingtonpost.com/joseph-e-cordell/the-five-musts-for-dealin_b_1940393.html

[Sammamish]

I should add that I'm not necessarily going down the divorce route at this stage, but its best to be fully prepared, especially where DV is concerned.

[GreenMango]

Sam please start documenting your bruises and the attacks with someone.  A doctor, friend, DV counselor etc... .  keep a journal, dated with photos.  You might be surprised how effective a journal (more than just emotional rambling include examples, times, dates, and facts) is for an attorney.

Another thing to think about is asking the DV how to approach the police in a proactive manner.  You may be surprised that this could turn around and you could be the one facing jail time on a dv charge.

Your freedom, safety, and well being is just as important as hers.   

[Sammamish]

GreenMango

Thanks for the advice. I havent told anyone about my wife's behaviour. I'm overseas so have been pretty isolated for the last 6 months , and have been reluctant to tell any of my friends/family - though I feel its probably time to email someone. In any event, do you suggest I also start documenting all her BPD behaviours, ie not just her violent episodes? I feel I need to mention this in an email - though I know it will be difficult to explain to those who dont understand the condition.

[GreenMango]

Sam I think a lot of us didn't say what we were living with or going through for whatever reasons... .  not wanting to drag others into our private relationship, embarrassment, or just plain confused by it all.

I would say it's a good time to start talking to someone either close friend, family, or if you have a therapist... .  at least a therapist.  Talking with someone who knows you can help, they might not understand the dynamic and tell you right away to leave not fully understanding the situation you are in so don't get discouraged by that.  If they are worried they have every right to be.  The most solid, level headed advice will come from a professional who's seen this stuff before. 

Documenting the relationship... .  the strange behavior, things that have occurred, events leading up to them, any verbal attacks/assaults, phone calls to police/dv shelters, things you are doing to address the situation.  It sounds like you are a little afraid to get in contact with the police because she might be arrested for her actions.  Is this a fair assessment?

When relationships get to this point they can get very dangerous quickly if you make a sudden move or change.  My number one advice would be to follow up with the DV counselor and ask about a safety plan as the first thing.  None of this means you are pursuing divorce or leaving right now, it means you are protecting yourself and looking at the options.

Will you contact the DV counselor this week and let us know what your safety plan is? 

[Sammamish]

Yes - I'm afraid to get police involved in case she gets arrested, or worse - she starts making accusations against me. I guess I'm afraid that things will get messy, though I realise they started getting messy a while ago...

I will contact a DV counsellor and let you know how I get on.

[GreenMango]

Please keep posting here too in the meantime.

Let us know how things are day to day.  Maybe look at the choosing a path lessons (on the right hand side at the top) and the staying lessons (SET, etc).

Talking to people really helps.  It can be pretty lonely when we are dealing with things like these.

[morningagain]

Sam,

I was arrested twice for DV - both times thrown out before the case went before the judge.  False allegations.  I never once physically aggressed in any way.  I think I was 45 at the time - first charges of any kind other than a couple speeding tickets against me.  I was hit, kicked, bit, scratched, heavy glass objects thrown at me, hot coffee thrown at me, etc.  She was never arrested for DV (once for drunk and disorderly one of the times she called 911 - surprise surprise, that put an end for awhile to her accusations and 911 calls).

Even though both cases were dismissed, I could not get them both expunged due to some odd law in the state I was in (they both happened within a 12 month window), so my record permanently shows that I was charged with DV.  Imagine trying to get a job with any company that does more than a surface background check... .  - heck, it shows up with intellius.

On the bright side I have very entertaining and humorous stories from my 5 nights in jail.

Just my side of the story from someone you do not know, but for whatever it is worth, it does happen and in my case it could have been far worse for me.

Great advice here - document with pictures, time, dates, dispassionate descriptions with a third party.  Learn how to interact with the po-po to gain their support.

Take Care,

Michael

[ForeverDad]

Counter-allegations are typical, no one wants to look bad and especially so for a person who is disordered and prone to retaliate.  Especially if it is just your word against hers or "hearsay".  Unfortunately, in many cases the woman is presumed by default to be the victim, after all, here in the USA we have the Violence Against Women Act of 1994.  Sorry, we don't have anything titled Violence Against Men Act or even a more neutral Violence Against Spouses Act.

Yes, document in multiple ways.  Keep your documentation duplicated in places she cannot access or with people she cannot influence.  Of course, while still together, do so quietly and without fanfare, informing her of this will only fan the flames even more.  (While there are laws in some states restricting some types of recording, the legal risks are much smaller than the real risks of false allegations.)  Eventually I accumulated 3 voice recorders since sometimes the batteries died or a recorder was filled and I always need one available at hand.  These days many people can record also with MP3 players, cell phones, cameras, etc.  I've even seen pen-cams for sale, working pens that record video & sound right from your shirt pocket.

The fact is that most threats and abuse and allegations occur in private or semi-private settings where there are no independent witnesses.  That's why various forms of documentation and journaling are important, they provide you some 'insurance' in case you are framed or accused and they lift the conflict above mere 'hearsay' that could be ignored or discounted by the court.

In my case, I called 911, police rushed over, spoke with us separately.  After they were long gone my then-spouse told me they told her about DV help, something I was never told.  In fact, I recall them asking me to hand our sobbing preschooler in my arms over to her and step away.  As I look back I think I might have been about to be carted off.  If so, it never happened, my son saved me, he shrieked and hugged me tighter.  The officer looked at me for a long moment of silence then said "work it out" and they left.  I later downloaded my recording of before/during/after my 911 call, police categorized her death threats as threats of DV and arrested her.  After a few months the case went to trial and she had to admit she threatened my life twice during that incident, claimed is was how we talked, judge immediately ruled it was not imminent threat of DV (per case law) since she didn't have a weapon in her hands and found her not guilty.  Possibly too there were other factors such as it being her first time in court facing such chargers.  However, getting police and courts involved increased the conflict to a new level and the rift never healed, we separated and then divorced, with her obstructing, alleging and delaying as much as she could.

If you suspect your marriage is failing or will fail, I recommend you introduce yourself over on our Family Law, Divorce & Custody board.  How do you know if your marriage has much hope of recovery?  If she starts taking steps to stop Denial of her poor behaviors, seeks therapy, applies it diligently in her life and makes solid progress over an entended time period of months and years.  If not, then you remain at high risk and it's just a matter of time... .  

Meanwhile, avoid having a child.  Don't rely on your spouse to properly handle birth control.  Many members here were in the process of re-evaluating the relationship or ending it and got shocked by the 'gotcha' of "Oops, I forgot somehow or it didn't work, I'm pregnant (so now you're stuck with me)."

[Sammamish]

So I called my local DV counsellor and made an appointment - it will be 2/3 weeks earliest. In the meantime they advised me about having a safety plan ie think about exit strategy from the house, have keys, phone, wallet etc close to hand.

Wife is calmer, though a threat to "bash my face in" two nights ago saw me leave the house straight away. (Threat of violence = new boundary). I can then communicate by email from safe location, keeping all emails/texts for evidential purposes.

[Newton]

My word Sammamish... .  that enforced boundary is significant progress!... .   ... .  it sends such a clear message and more importantly keeps you safe!

Also such great news about the DV appointment!... .  I'm so pleased for you... .  

So your wife is a little calmer... .  thats good news. How are you feeling?... .  

[GreenMango]

So I called my local DV counsellor and made an appointment - it will be 2/3 weeks earliest. In the meantime they advised me about having a safety plan ie think about exit strategy from the house, have keys, phone, wallet etc close to hand.

Excellent   

For me, having a plan on how to approach sometime that is scary helps me to feel more prepared and calm.

Maybe you could walk us through what you are getting together in your safety bag, or start another thread about your safety plan progress and ask for some recommendations on what to get together (it could benefit quite a few members... .  I know you aren't the only one in this circumstance). 

Wife is calmer, though a threat to "bash my face in" two nights ago saw me leave the house straight away. (Threat of violence = new boundary). I can then communicate by email from safe location, keeping all emails/texts for evidential purposes.

This is pretty scary she would say that.  I'd log it in my journal, event, date, time and then any receipts from where I went (coffee, etc).

[Sammamish]

Newton/Green Mango

Thanks, Feeling much more clear headed, talking with DV hotline definitely helped.

Good advice about receipts GreenMango, I need to get more organised about collecting evidence.

Main things for me are my laptop (i work remotely), wallet, keys, phone and passport, change of clothes. Thats really all I need. I have a single laptop bag that I use for day to day work which is now doubling as my emergency bag. Im now kind of used to having my essentials with me at all times.

[thicker skin]

Sammamish... .   

Please don't worry too much about your partner being arrested, that's her problem and for her to be responsible for if she has been violent. It's important that the appropriate people are aware if you are in danger.

My SO claims that I am violent towards him. I have clunked him over the head with a photo frame... .  I was running away from him and one of his rages, when he rugby tackled me on the stairs. I was face down, with him on top of me, attacking me. I reached out for whatever I could grab and defended myself. It could have been a teddy bear, it happened to be a bit harder. His story still remains.

He has also had to restrain me, he claims. What he doesn't say, is that I was attempting to leave his house and he wrestled me to the floor, cutting my lip with his teeth whilst he tried to kiss me. I was covered in bruises.

The last time we had an incident like this, I fought back and was arrested. Sitting quietly in bed is not a reason to attack someone and if you're trying to leave the room and are prevented with force, it's classed as self defence. If you then proceed to continue following ' your violent partner' from room to room, being verbally abusive and punch the ipad on your violent partners lap, you don't look like too much of a victim who is afraid of your insane other   Needless to say, I was released without charge with a good talking to about DV and looking after myself.

Don't let fear of what will happen to her or you keep you from taking care of yourself.

If you've got a voice recorder on your phone, use it.

Leaving to let the dust settle can be difficult. I'd have my keys, phone and car confiscated, whilst all the doors would be locked until I'd 'grown up'.

Look after you and report the incidents 

[ForeverDad]

Some have kept a Go Bag with short term necessities including a spare set of keys, some cash, copies of important papers, licenses, insurances, etc nearby at a trusted neighbor's home or with a nearby trusted friend or family member.  Thicker Skin is right, during a rant/rage you may not be allowed to collect your things and leave without being obstructed in multiple ways.

And recording the other's poor and even abusive behaviors can very likely save you from having no defense when facing counter allegations.

In too many places, the police don't always try to determine who's right or wrong, they cart off or arrest one or both to resolve the immediate incident and then tell the parties the courts can figure it out.  Each agency has their own little slice of authority or fiefdom.  The emergency responders own the initial contact.  The doctors and hospitals own the medical treatments.  The courts are supposed to get all the pieces and put it together.  That's the theory of the system.

Sometimes the wrong person gets arrested, with persuasive blamers it happens too often.  Sometimes the courts get it wrong, with persuasive blamers it happens too often.  That's why we say having documentation indicating you're not the aggressor or the one misbehaving is so important.