Ashamed of my own weaknesses, tried really hard but failed

[Depression = 72% of members]

I hope my post can help someone else to see what hanging on will mean for them in a few months if they don't completey let go.

I also hope I can gain some strength from somewhere to find some therapy or just plain resolve to help me end the mess I am in.

My story was one of those forbidden ones, an affair, for both of us, against all of my morals and beliefs.

I fell so hard for this perfect man, this man of my dreams, who was my soulmate.

I watched as he backed off, came back full on, sent me texts which didn't add up, said things which sent me in a confused spin, mixed me up with someoen else, rifled through my things, stalked me, clung to me, obsesed over me... .  and also was doing exactly the same thing with someone else right under my nose the whole time.

I found out and was totally devastated, he swore I was imagining it and was wrong, and I wanted to believe him so badly that I let it go.

That was over a year ago. I have been through phases of not answering him hoping he will just go away, and yet, waiting for him to reach out to me, just to make me feel he still has something real there for me.

It was all the same as everyone else's stories, all the textbook behaviour, all words, hardly any actions.

I knew and still know that he was lying to me, I knew that while he was telling me he could let anyone go, but not me,, that he was probably saying all the same things to her too.

I promised myself that (I'll give it until this happens, or that happens, if it does, that will be it)

Now, here I am, still in this mess with this man who begs and pleads and cries for me when I back off, and who then goes back to the same old ways within a few days of calm.

I live in constant doubt that the other woman is out of the picture, I do not believe a word he tells me, I want to, but I can't.

I recently backed off from contact with him, and I knew he would find another way to connect, he did, he came to my place of work with a stupid excuse, even after I had asked him not to, to spare my feelings.

since then he has been full on with me again, making time to see me, but never physically... .  still nothing physical, but with promises and innnuendos.

I was just beginning to feel that he meant it all when he asked me my schedule for the next day.

I knew in my heart that he was thinking of the other woman, my schedule has never ever changed for that particular day, and when I told him so, he replied with (you know what my memory is like)

SO here I am,right back to the beginning, the woman he is so deeply in love with, but he can't remember after two years what my schedule is for that day!

He told me on my birthday that it was up to him to prove his love for me, I asked him to cut contact with the other woman, that would be my proof.

He sends me ridiculous excuses for not being able to remove her from his chat sites, doesn't get the chance to get on them (and yet he has added others on there for me to see that he has indeed been on there)

And so, now, I am back on here posting the same things I was last year, with no changes.

He has given me nothing but texts in a full year, and a handfull of meetings to sit and talk in his car.

I always came away feeling duped.

His texts have slowed down since I asked him to remove her, she is still there, I know he cannot do it, and will not do it. I know he will continue to make stupid excuses, deflect form the issue and hope I forget about it.

I am worried for my wellbeing, although I don't actually hurt so much any more, I am getting angry with him, but mostly with myself.

I have been stupid, he has manipulated me so deeply that even after all this studying,a nd knowing what he is doing, I have still allowed him to walk all over me.

I should have ended this a year ago, maybe I would have been over it all by now.

But still, like most people on here, I live in some kind of denial.

I don't know what words to say to him, in my head, I am giving him a week to do this, to show me that he values my feelings over hers, and yet I know he won't.

All I can see is a vision of him crying, begging, and that's what makes me back down.

I know he needs me for the attention I give him, I know it will hurt him when I leave, and I know that he will still not understand MY reasons for abandoning him.

But I also now know that this cannot go on. I need to live.

[Peterpan]

I hope my post can help someone else to see what hanging on will mean for them in a few months if they don't completey let go.

I also hope I can gain some strength from somewhere to find some therapy or just plain resolve to help me end the mess I am in.

My story was one of those forbidden ones, an affair, for both of us, against all of my morals and beliefs.

I fell so hard for this perfect man, this man of my dreams, who was my soulmate.

I watched as he backed off, came back full on, sent me texts which didn't add up, said things which sent me in a confused spin, mixed me up with someoen else, rifled through my things, stalked me, clung to me, obsesed over me... .  and also was doing exactly the same thing with someone else right under my nose the whole time.

I found out and was totally devastated, he swore I was imagining it and was wrong, and I wanted to believe him so badly that I let it go.

That was over a year ago. I have been through phases of not answering him hoping he will just go away, and yet, waiting for him to reach out to me, just to make me feel he still has something real there for me.

It was all the same as everyone else's stories, all the textbook behaviour, all words, hardly any actions.

I knew and still know that he was lying to me, I knew that while he was telling me he could let anyone go, but not me,, that he was probably saying all the same things to her too.

I promised myself that (I'll give it until this happens, or that happens, if it does, that will be it)

Now, here I am, still in this mess with this man who begs and pleads and cries for me when I back off, and who then goes back to the same old ways within a few days of calm.

I live in constant doubt that the other woman is out of the picture, I do not believe a word he tells me, I want to, but I can't.

I recently backed off from contact with him, and I knew he would find another way to connect, he did, he came to my place of work with a stupid excuse, even after I had asked him not to, to spare my feelings.

since then he has been full on with me again, making time to see me, but never physically... .  still nothing physical, but with promises and innnuendos.

I was just beginning to feel that he meant it all when he asked me my schedule for the next day.

I knew in my heart that he was thinking of the other woman, my schedule has never ever changed for that particular day, and when I told him so, he replied with (you know what my memory is like)

SO here I am,right back to the beginning, the woman he is so deeply in love with, but he can't remember after two years what my schedule is for that day!

He told me on my birthday that it was up to him to prove his love for me, I asked him to cut contact with the other woman, that would be my proof.

He sends me ridiculous excuses for not being able to remove her from his chat sites, doesn't get the chance to get on them (and yet he has added others on there for me to see that he has indeed been on there)

And so, now, I am back on here posting the same things I was last year, with no changes.

He has given me nothing but texts in a full year, and a handfull of meetings to sit and talk in his car.

I always came away feeling duped.

His texts have slowed down since I asked him to remove her, she is still there, I know he cannot do it, and will not do it. I know he will continue to make stupid excuses, deflect form the issue and hope I forget about it.

I am worried for my wellbeing, although I don't actually hurt so much any more, I am getting angry with him, but mostly with myself.

I have been stupid, he has manipulated me so deeply that even after all this studying,a nd knowing what he is doing, I have still allowed him to walk all over me.

I should have ended this a year ago, maybe I would have been over it all by now.

But still, like most people on here, I live in some kind of denial.

I don't know what words to say to him, in my head, I am giving him a week to do this, to show me that he values my feelings over hers, and yet I know he won't.

All I can see is a vision of him crying, begging, and that's what makes me back down.

I know he needs me for the attention I give him, I know it will hurt him when I leave, and I know that he will still not understand MY reasons for abandoning him.

But I also now know that this cannot go on. I need to live.

[HarmKrakow]

Dear Peterpan,

You described your problem, your worries, your thoughts and your solution all in 1 post. Please, for everyone here and yourself, read it again and your providing the answer for your self. I don't want to say wake up, because that might be a tad rude, but you already have the solution in your head because you wrote it down here on bpdfamily. The thought(!) of what you need to do is already in your head. It is there! What a step!

Now we only need to work on execute, point, aim and shoot at your troubles! 

[AllyCat7]

Wow, we have SUCH similar experiences, except ours was not an affair. It was "supposed" to be an exclusive relationship, but of course with BPDs (esp the waifs) it never is.

I, like you, have stuck it out a year more than I should have. I saw all the signs (and I mean ALL) of them a year ago, but I kept hoping things would get better and every time I would pull back, he would come around... .  just like yours. When I was at my breaking point a couple times, he gave more, but then things would go right back to the way they were. I also was sent accidental texts and had a feeling he was mixing me up with his other girls. It really is a heart-breaking feeling. There is a lot more madness that I won't go into, but you pretty much covered it all!

I feel like both you and I are at the same point. 2 years in, one of them completely wasted, and now we have to make a decision. Stay in the hopes that the first year was the "real deal" and the good times will come back or leave with the understanding that the second year is what it will continue to be. It seems we are both leaning heavily towards the latter. I wish both of us strength to stick to our guns!

Thanks for sharing your story. It definitely reinforced how bad things were for me and my BPD during the last year, the fact that it is a true sickness with predictable results, and I don't want more of that!

[Peterpan]

Thankyou for your replies.

Yes I do know what I need to do, I have known for so long now, I felt I was there a few months back, that was when he did something really obvious that I flet I had to retreat.

I feel I have been in a fog, mainly due to this other woman, but what I have failed to do for all that time is to stop looking at that, and instead, look at how he actually treats ME.

I have had a few weeks of giving me some time, the words, the calls, the excuses for absence, etc, and the promises of a better future.

Like everyone else, you feel so much longing and yearning, that all of that puts you on a high, and then... .  bam! the text comes which makes your stomach knot, or the question comes which you know doesn't refer to you, and I try each time to believe it's me who is the paranoid one who reads too much into every word.

I know I have to look at myself, my own needs, because he only fills them for me momentarily, then it all falls apart again.

I am working on it bit by bit, but just posted on here again, so that I don't feel alone in it all.

My best friends understandably, do not want to listen any more, they think I am crazy, and after all this I probably am!

[Sunshinegirl3275]

I know exactly what you are going through - the highs and the punch in the gut feelings. I felt absolutely crazy sometimes and no one understood how bad it really was. I thought he was my soulmate too. It took me several attempts to leave and not go back. Three years to finally get out and realize this man will love me to death! I have been out for two weeks and this time my head, instead of my heart is calling all the shots. I still feel ashamed of the lengths I went to to stay with this man. But he was a clever charmer.

Be strong girl... .  fight for yourself and your sanity.  You are not alone and keep reading up on BPD when you feel weak, eventually it will be very helpful.

[turtle]

All I can see is a vision of him crying, begging, and that's what makes me back down.

And what about all of YOUR crying and begging?

I know it's hard to let go... .  and even harder when you KNOW it's not going to work, but just won't cut that cord.

"Love" doesn't work like this, peterpan.  Being in "love" shouldn't leave you in a constant state of confusion and chaos.  It shouldn't hurt and it shouldn't be so hard.  

This isn't "love."  

Love yourself enough to let him go... .  This situation is harming YOU.



turtle