Centered and circled and breaking through

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Much like bb12, I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.  Some days of late, I feel grateful to my ex and other partners for their timing in contributing to getting me here now, if that makes sense, I mean for landing me in this spot in this time when I am ready.  (Like all roads lead here, not like all actions are validated, ya dig?)

Anyway, in those moments, I feel peace, centered, start to see my self esteem grow.  Last night I sang in the kitchen while cooking, something I haven't done in months!  Been so tired and down (and at end of r/s, so stressed/fog'd/second guessing) that finding this joy wasn't do-able.  Long way to go, but I can see the summit of my mountain.  

Other moments are still there, where I'm embarrassed for acting without integrity for myself by trying soo hard to give her chances, to make it fit, to be what I thought was supportive, to break nc and believe that she needed special allotments and go from being empowered/breaking it off to trying to keep a version of friendahip around that did not hold her accountable.  Except when I did, which made me proud.  Forgot about ME.  Those times made me feel so pathetic, especially since I never let anyone get away with that stuff!  I know more about why, so I can start to forgive myself, and just switched therapists to start schema therapy to look at my trauma.

I still get stumped on what was the disorder (and being forgiving) and what was her (maybe she was a jerk who also had BPD?), which hinders my healing.  My brain knows it doesn't matter, but I think this dichotomy kept me from just totally closing the door when I left, so I think it's worth looking at with you all.  Anyone have this debate?  Where did you land?  What made the debate end for you?

[Elsegundo]

Much like bb12, I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.  Some days of late, I feel grateful to my ex and other partners for their timing in contributing to getting me here now, if that makes sense, I mean for landing me in this spot in this time when I am ready.  (Like all roads lead here, not like all actions are validated, ya dig?)

Anyway, in those moments, I feel peace, centered, start to see my self esteem grow.  Last night I sang in the kitchen while cooking, something I haven't done in months!  Been so tired and down (and at end of r/s, so stressed/fog'd/second guessing) that finding this joy wasn't do-able.  Long way to go, but I can see the summit of my mountain.  

Other moments are still there, where I'm embarrassed for acting without integrity for myself by trying soo hard to give her chances, to make it fit, to be what I thought was supportive, to break nc and believe that she needed special allotments and go from being empowered/breaking it off to trying to keep a version of friendahip around that did not hold her accountable.  Except when I did, which made me proud.  Forgot about ME.  Those times made me feel so pathetic, especially since I never let anyone get away with that stuff!  I know more about why, so I can start to forgive myself, and just switched therapists to start schema therapy to look at my trauma.

I still get stumped on what was the disorder (and being forgiving) and what was her (maybe she was a jerk who also had BPD?), which hinders my healing.  My brain knows it doesn't matter, but I think this dichotomy kept me from just totally closing the door when I left, so I think it's worth looking at with you all.  Anyone have this debate?  Where did you land?  What made the debate end for you?

[Blazing Star]

I still get stumped on what was the disorder (and being forgiving) and what was her (maybe she was a jerk who also had BPD?), which hinders my healing.  My brain knows it doesn't matter, but I think this dichotomy kept me from just totally closing the door when I left, so I think it's worth looking at with you all.  Anyone have this debate?  Where did you land?  What made the debate end for you?

Hi Elsee,

I hear you! I am a Stayer and my partner is in DBT, but I have found myself in that debate from time to time. It does my head in, and how am I to ever know what is the BPD and what is just him being not very nice? So I guess I have dealt with it (in my good/healthy moments) by letting go, practicing some Surrender and also some Radical Acceptance. And of course looking forward, not back!

Love Blazing Star

[yeeter]

I have to remind myself from time to time that I made a decision.  And also remind myself of why I made that decision.

Then COMMIT to that decision.

Replaying it over and over again is not productive or healthy (well... .  its fine to have a review from time to time - but not at too often of an interval because that gets in the way of living life).  Being in the middle of it and flopping back and forth just keeps you stuck.

The other consideration - especially as you doubt what is 'BPD' vs 'normal' - is, that it really doesnt matter.  Some of us put too much emphasis on wanting to be 'fair'.  To give it every chance.  To not act irrationally ourselves. 

A phrase I used on a good friend a while back, which I need to do more of for my own self:

"You need to make more decisions based on what is 'probable', instead of what is 'possible' "

Life will have a better chance of turning out in a satisfying way for you.  What I am saying - so what if some of this is 'normal' and gets caught up in the BPD stuff.  So what if you behaved poorly at times (you are normal).  As you say... .  it doesnt matter.  The trick is emotionally investing in the decision you DID make.  And not let those mistakes suck you down for the rest of your life and instead learn, grow, and move on.

[Elsegundo]

Thanks.  Silly but serious q:  I do think I am having trouble radically accepting.  How did you all do it? 

[yeeter]

Thanks.  Silly but serious q:  I do think I am having trouble radically accepting.  How did you all do it? 

I think for me it was a least partially wrapped up in th commitment to the decision.  That is, I couldn't decide to stay and at the same time not accept.  That would be continued chaos.  Yet I did decide to stay.  Thus, acceptance was part of making this choice work. 

(not sure if that makes sense the way it's stated)

And to be fair... .  It's an ongoing battle.  There are still boundaries or things deemed unacceptable.  But the lines had to get re drawn.

[maria1]

Hi elsee

What debate is it you're struggling with? I struggled because there is an assumption that you must not try to be friends and if you try to be it can make us feel like there is something wrong with us. I don't think you did anything wrong in trying to do the right thing.

NC doesn't work for everybody. The overwhelming view on these boards is that NC is the only way to detach but it didn't work for me. The debate ended when I realised that and felt strong enough to decide my own way forward, not ignoring the safe advice on her but facing up to my own stuff and his stuff and that a slower detachment might work.

The debate I have now is mainly to do with how sick I am or might be and I switch between thinking i am ok and totally messed up. I do believe that we are all better in the grey than in the black and white- debates are about all black v all white and hopefully we should land where we need to land but somewhere in the grey.

[HowPredictable]

NC doesn't work for everybody. The overwhelming view on these boards is that NC is the only way to detach but it didn't work for me.

I agree that NC isn't for everyone.  I am one of those who still does hear from my Ex occasionally (though with greater infrequence), and I do take his calls when I can tell from the increasingly frantic tone of his voicemails that he's in full dysregulation mode and possibly on the brink of harming himself.  I never run to his aid (it seems that my merely taking his call every 3-4 months will calm him down).  I always tell him kindly that he should get help.  

I am at peace with this level of contact, but should stress that the difference might be (as compared to those who advocate heavily for full NC) that I have absolutely NO interest in getting back with him at all, have no delusion that I can help or save him in the long run, and have no continuing interest in the very sad and inevitable course of his life.   Early on, I did struggle with my own motivation but now I am crystal clear:   This slight contact does not affect my life, it is a small kindness to help a very sick person once or twice a year.  I am still working on my own FOO issues and I am grateful (in a weird way) for this relationship because it brought those issues to the surface, though quite painfully so.

I write all this as background, but in response to the point that you made initially -- that you are now detached and can see (and feel) very differently about your Ex when you are in his presence.  I am the same.  I do not feel any of the emotions that I once had, and in fact am struggling with my feelings of repulsion, if any.  This I guess is my now-healthier psyche's way of adapting and allowing for a little LC.  I take that as a good sign for my own healing.

[Blazing Star]

Thanks.  Silly but serious q:  I do think I am having trouble radically accepting.  How did you all do it? 

For me stepping back a little, viewing from above - for perspective, helps with Radical Acceptance.

Taking some deep breaths, surrendering to What Is and What Will Be - if that makes sense.

I guess it is a Letting Go, an Allowing. A surrender.

What would it feel like to completely let go and accept that what has passed has passed? That he is who he is. And what happened, happened?

What would it feel like to draw a line in the sand in front of you, and then step over it, committing to being gentle on yourself, and letting go of all the wonderings about your ex?

How does it serve you to keep the debate alive? What is the 'payoff' here?

Love Blazing Star

[yeeter]

Have been giving this question thought, and it's a good one.

Another piece of it was that the acceptance meant changing the focus from 'her', to 'me'

Meaning... .  She can be or do whatever.  I accept that.  And then Make a choice for my own self what to do from there.