And she's back. Help please

[tryinghard2012]

It's been a while since I posted but as I've started to lose sleep again I gathered it was time to reach out to those who understand.

My husband and extended family (siblings, etc.) have all had a big timeout from UnBPD MIL for about a year now. She caused many issues and wrongful accusations of abuse put her on a major timeout for a while.  Well, some of the siblings are starting to reconcile, and this scares the CRAP out of me so much that I am losing sleep. I refuse to go back to walking on eggshells every time we see my husband's family. Even my dogs have noticed my anxiety as they are staying closer when I am home. I know this isn't healthy but I am so panicked about what to do. How are we supposed to attend family functions that they invite her to? Not only are we not ready to forgive her, but we actually don't want to forgive her now or in the future as far as we can tell. How do we manage relationships with nieces, nephews, brothers and sister in laws going forward? Was easier when we were all on the same page.  Now, I have no idea what to do. Advice please? How can we keep our own boundaries up and continue relationships with everyone except for UnBPD MIL? She keeps trying to contact us to rebuild but we refuse to answer to her letters and emails as we aren't interested in a relationship. This is so awkward in so many ways.

[tryingtogetit]

Hi trying

I very much understand what you're talking about!

The (too) simple answer is that it's a boundary you have to set at a place you're comfortable with. You don't have to put yourself in a situation that gives you so much anxiety. Now, because she's family, things tend to get a little blurry. In general family has an extra power over us others don't.

As to your question, unfortunately you might not be able to continue relations with everyone. Especially when she start manipulating some people into overstepping or disregarding your boundaries. Still, the best thing is to be clear to everyone what you don't want and if they ignore that, you have no choice but to give up on some of the family.

At the same time, you might be able to get help with your anxiety, which would be helpful in daily life too! Riddance of anxiety will make it easier for you to set boundaries and will also make others respect them more. It will also make that you won't feel scared about her that much. So that's a positive thing you can actually tackle!

Good luck!

[InaMinorRole]

It's a very sad situation. But I bet you can wait it out.

-You can't control their relationship with her and their relationship with her is unique to themselves.

-They probably feel quite broken from the bad relationship with her and are doing everything they can to mend fences, and you shouldn't interfere with this ("it's her or us".

-It probably won't last, if we know anything about BPD.

-They may start with a bit of self righteous judgment of you, like "if we can let bygones be bygones so can you," but this too won't last and they'll start to wonder why they let this woman back in.

So the bottom line of this is that you only need to navigate these rough waters briefly, I bet. Do what you can to maintain your good relationship with your family at low stress times with fewer people around. Find some excuse not to go to the big parties where she will be in attendance. "Sorry, we have baseball practice that day ... .  yes, on Christmas ... .  " Maybe this is the year to take a few holidays someplace you always wanted to go.

The anxiety you feel may be that you're trying to fix something that can't be fixed. Keep your ultimate goal firmly in mind: that you want to maintain a good relationship with the rest of the family. That's something you can do. And then let everything else go.

[WrongWoman]

You have no obligation to subject yourself to her or her behavior again.  If the others want to do that, or your spouse wants to do that, then they certainly can make their own decisions.  If just the very thought of having to be around her again is causing you this level of stress, I can relate. 

My husband sees his mother when he chooses to.  I do not and don't ever plan to see her again.  My one SIL bemoans the fact that "everyone can't just get along", but her mother makes her life absolutely miserable, so I remain unmoved by her plea yet sympathetic to her misery.  The younger SIL is a carbon copy of their mother, unfortunately, so I choose not to subject myself to her, either. 

Choosing to have no contact with the person is not for everyone, I realize.  For my own sake and our children's sake, though, this was the best choice for us.  No more nightmares, no more panic attacks, no more severe anxiety works for me.

In any case, you have every right and an obligation to yourself to set up boundaries you can live with.