Is there difficulty with normal relationships after the break up?

[Winglessfallen]

I'm still in the middle on my status, but my heart is telling me more and more that I want to be happy in a normal relationship.  I've been considering the possibilities, and it dawned on me.  Is it difficult to HAVE a normal relationship after one with a pwBPD?  Have you found that you are addicted to the drama?  I see myself wanting something normal and healthy, as I always have.  I've had some doosies of love interests in my day, none this bad, but still.  And every time I am hurt and want to go back to a normal relationship, but somehow I guess I've always gotten the crazy ones, and the normal ones ended up being boring to me.

[AllyCat7]

If one is constantly attracted to dramatic relationships, they might have some scheme issues of their own. In this case, it would be best to talk to a T to help you "re-wire" your relationship schemas. I am currently working on that right now, actually. I am not there yet, but the thought of a nice, normal relationship after all the drama I've been through seems distant yet very pleasing. I hope I can get there, and I hope that you can, too!

[trouble11]

There was a show on TV the other day about crack cocaine.  They were saying that the first high is always the best and once it's over you never get that kind of high again.  Kinda got me thinking ... .  the connection pwBPD are capable of making us feel is kinda the same.  The we move on and start dating, but we don't get that "gotta have this person" feeling.   I don't think it's the drama we are addicted to, I think it's the idealization. 

[HarmKrakow]

There was a show on TV the other day about crack cocaine.  They were saying that the first high is always the best and once it's over you never get that kind of high again.  Kinda got me thinking ... .  the connection pwBPD are capable of making us feel is kinda the same.  The we move on and start dating, but we don't get that "gotta have this person" feeling.   I don't think it's the drama we are addicted to, I think it's the idealization. 

Which also tells us that there is something wrong with us NON's ... meaning a T visit

[Winglessfallen]

My T and I started talking a little bit about this yesterday.  I suppose more towards talking about me, instead of my relationship with BPDgf.  Eventually this will be discussed, I am sure.  I am still in the relationship and am scared to move half the time when I'm at home.  I don't even feel like I'm at home, most of the time I'm just waiting to get yelled at, even if its been a good couple day/weeks.  I know its coming.  I know I will do something that will be so emotionally destructive to her that she will not be able to cope with it and will have to tell me, in excess for two house why I have slighted her so and how much of a disappointment it was that I didn't thank her for (insert task here) this time, even though I have the last three times.  Or that I won't get her a piece of bread after she cooked dinner while I was at work, and how I never think of her and I'm always selfish because I didn't ask her if she wanted a piece of bread with butter to go with the dinner she prepared, when I made a peanut butter sandwich to go with the speghetti-os she warmed up on the stove so that she could have leftovers for the next day.

I don't think I'll miss it... .  my past relationships were emotional roller coasters, I'll admit, but the one before this one was cut off early because I saw it heading there.  I just wanted a girl with a bit of adventure and a stable mind.  And I got this.  But who knows, I could see not knowing what to do with myself after its all done, if it ever is.

[trouble11]

Maybe I'm in some kind of denial, but looking back over my life, my accomplishment, previously healthy relationships, and friendships, I'm not yet willing to say that all NONs are in some way dysfunctional.  I think I would have seen the flags slightly more clearly had I lived in the same city when my BPD r/s started, but I was 1300 miles away.  I've never had any addiction problems in the past with people, alcohol, or drugs.   While there may be a certain percentage of nons with issues that attract BPD I honestly believe that healthy people can also be pulled in the the web.

[AllyCat7]

There was a show on TV the other day about crack cocaine.  They were saying that the first high is always the best and once it's over you never get that kind of high again.  Kinda got me thinking ... .  the connection pwBPD are capable of making us feel is kinda the same.  The we move on and start dating, but we don't get that "gotta have this person" feeling.   I don't think it's the drama we are addicted to, I think it's the idealization.  

Good point. But if one learns more about instant gratification vs long term satisfaction, the normal relationships always win out. So we can still get that "gotta have this person feeling" in a normal r'ship, but it will take longer to develop. But it's contingent on us re-wiring out thinking and having patience.

[beachgirl009]

Maybe I'm in some kind of denial, but looking back over my life, my accomplishment, previously healthy relationships, and friendships, I'm not yet willing to say that all NONs are in some way dysfunctional.  I think I would have seen the flags slightly more clearly had I lived in the same city when my BPD r/s started, but I was 1300 miles away.  I've never had any addiction problems in the past with people, alcohol, or drugs.   While there may be a certain percentage of nons with issues that attract BPD I honestly believe that healthy people can also be pulled in the the web.

Same here.  I've never experienced something like this in my relationships.  I did figure out that some of the highs and lows he went through were familiar to me due to FOO issues, but I've never had a relationship like this and I don't want to repeat it again. 

I'm 9 months out.  I am starting to date again and I am hopefully that I will feel that connection with a healthy person.  I've also learned a lot about what my deal breakers are and how to set boundaries for myself. 

[Winglessfallen]

See, its the wait and see thing that trapped me.  She started showing red flags, but I told myself that I was just reading into things and I was afraid of commitment, etc, and I basically forced myself to believe that it would eventually be this huge love thing, and it just got so much worse from there.  I was starting to detach when we found out about our son.

[findingmyselfagain]

Many times these relationships with pwBPDs end pretty horribly, to say the least. It's as much our fault for participating as it is the pwBPDs, but the trauma/stress/anxiety following the break-up makes it that much, more difficult to have a "normal" relationship with someone else. We are just in too much trauma to be reliable and to be able to recognize an unhealthy pattern. Then there are our issues that we may not have explored and may not have healed. This can also make a normal/healthy relationship difficult. We may still be attracted to the dynamic which led us into the r/s with the pwBPD.

For me, I had a difficult time dating largely b/c of my fears of intimacy magnified to the nth degree from the loss of someone I loved very much. I definitely believed that our r/s was growing and was leading to marriage and the family we planned. The sudden ending was very shocking to me. It still puzzles me and many of the people who used to know my ex around that time. It's hard to see the forest from the trees, and it's hard to know without trying. At some point you do have to step out there, but it should be  a very careful and objective process. I'm glad now that I was wise enough to end a r/s that wasn't going anywhere. She was a nice girl. I just wasn't self-aware enough then to know what I needed, or I probably would have ended it sooner. I knew I didn't need to keep it going though, so I give myself a few points for making an ethical decision. I understand myself much better now, which is important!

For a long time it seemed like I was attracting women who weren't that interested in me, or had somewhat unstable lives (much like my ex). I believe I may have been projecting my own fears and lacked the confidence to pursue a healthier mate. Maybe I still seemed attractive to the kind of person who "needs rescuing" or my opposite.

It's been over 2 years since the official b/u, and I'm just now feeling like I know what a good date is like, and that I deserve someone who is very interested in me and shares a healthy chemistry. Good conversation. I believe I know what all of that feels like now, and I won't go after someone who isn't very, very good at hiding Crazy.

[HarmKrakow]

Many times these relationships with pwBPDs end pretty horribly, to say the least. It's as much our fault for participating as it is the pwBPDs, but the trauma/stress/anxiety following the break-up makes it that much, more difficult to have a "normal" relationship with someone else. We are just in too much trauma to be reliable and to be able to recognize an unhealthy pattern. Then there are our issues that we may not have explored and may not have healed. This can also make a normal/healthy relationship difficult. We may still be attracted to the dynamic which led us into the r/s with the pwBPD.

For me, I had a difficult time dating largely b/c of my fears of intimacy magnified to the nth degree from the loss of someone I loved very much. I definitely believed that our r/s was growing and was leading to marriage and the family we planned. The sudden ending was very shocking to me. It still puzzles me and many of the people who used to know my ex around that time. It's hard to see the forest from the trees, and it's hard to know without trying. At some point you do have to step out there, but it should be  a very careful and objective process. I'm glad now that I was wise enough to end a r/s that wasn't going anywhere. She was a nice girl. I just wasn't self-aware enough then to know what I needed, or I probably would have ended it sooner. I knew I didn't need to keep it going though, so I give myself a few points for making an ethical decision. I understand myself much better now, which is important!

For a long time it seemed like I was attracting women who weren't that interested in me, or had somewhat unstable lives (much like my ex). I believe I may have been projecting my own fears and lacked the confidence to pursue a healthier mate. Maybe I still seemed attractive to the kind of person who "needs rescuing" or my opposite.

It's been over 2 years since the official b/u, and I'm just now feeling like I know what a good date is like, and that I deserve someone who is very interested in me and shares a healthy chemistry. Good conversation. I believe I know what all of that feels like now, and I won't go after someone who isn't very, very good at hiding Crazy.

Can you imagine ... you start random dating with someone and that person says; Hey Im Chantalle and I have BPD but other than that, i'm fine. How about you? 

[findingmyselfagain]

I'd be out of there so fast!

[waitaminute]

I have found some difficulty after the breakup.in my case, I tried to reconnect with my exwife (from before the BPD). But she would like everything that reminds her of this terrible experience to be gone. So even my reading and writing on this board has come between us. I must heal. She must heal. Looks like we have to do it separately.