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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Furious with AA for their treatment of mental health and my ex  (Read 513 times)
Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 843


« Reply #30 on: February 06, 2013, 03:40:26 PM »

He Stoi:

Everything you wrote again resonated with me, and probably almost everyone on the board.  It's the right path.  For me, the baseline fear of my ex's jealousy wrath (other women, my friends, my family, my work... .  ) all directed me to further and further isolation.  But very slowly I'm reconnecting with the world.  

But it takes time.  We on this side actually know that we need to grieve and heal and it takes time.  Our exes do not have the capacity for self-reflection or the capacity to grieve.  So they have to, paint us black, forget us, and move on quickly as a survival response to stay in denial and to suppress their pain and shame.  It not personal regarding us, it's just what they feel they need to do or they are scared that they will die or kill themselves.

But we know that in order to grow and change, we must go through the grieving process. But we gain from our efforts in the opportunity to be better people.  there so many areas in the world for me to make connections and contributions that can matter and that may last.  My energy and efforts with my ex, never really made a difference in her life, and are now forgotten as if they never ever occurred.

Yes is so sad and pathetic, but it is the nature of their existence.  

I also hope that more can be learned about the disorder and how to treat it in the future.  But my suspicion is that since there is not a core adult within them, there are limited options for real recovery since the baseline capacity for growth is limited in the first place.  It's like asking a person with Down's Syndrome to become fully functional through mental health counseling.  

but there is a wide spectrum and the causes are still be understood.  partly genetic, partly environmental,  perhaps early childhood intervention may help, but who knows.  For me today, there's nothing I can do for my ex.  In fact, my presence in her life is now a trigger and further enmeshes both of us in the disorder.

so i live for myself and then for others, including my ex, and try to do the next right thing today.  I have to practice radical acceptance, I have to remind myself of the positives in my life, I have to treat the PTSD from the Trauma bond, and look at my shortcoming and issues from my FOO.  But it's worth it, because I know that change has occurred already, and change will continue for me in the future.  I have faith that all of us on the this side of the board will reach the place of happiness and meaning that we want from life.

In support SP.
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stoic83
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« Reply #31 on: February 06, 2013, 04:38:26 PM »

 My energy and efforts with my ex, never really made a difference in her life, and are now forgotten as if they never ever occurred.

but there is a wide spectrum and the causes are still be understood.  partly genetic, partly environmental,  perhaps early childhood intervention may help, but who knows.  For me today, there's nothing I can do for my ex.  In fact, my presence in her life is now a trigger and further enmeshes both of us in the disorder.

so i live for myself and then for others, including my ex, and try to do the next right thing today.  I have to practice radical acceptance, I have to remind myself of the positives in my life, I have to treat the PTSD from the Trauma bond, and look at my shortcoming and issues from my FOO.  But it's worth it, because I know that change has occurred already, and change will continue for me in the future.  I have faith that all of us on the this side of the board will reach the place of happiness and meaning that we want from life.

In support SP.

This is exactly how I feel to a T(pun un-intended)... .  i don't think I could've phrased it any better.

That has felt particularly awful to me... .  the fact that what I did made no real difference in her life whatsoever. Well... .  i will say that I commanded her to go to rehab and she listened to me. I realized that during her idealization of me I had a lot of influence... .  so i told her what to do, like an angry father... .  using anger for good?

In any case, I know that I helped get her in to rehab and aa... .  which is the ironic truth.

While she relapsed she asked me to command her in the same manner... .  but i was too emotionally messed up to help in that sort of way. The only use I was to her was when she was at an arms length. Otherwise it was just the status quo.

I guess that was enabling of me to some extent... .  well she had 15 months of dry time, i guess I helped in that way... .  I also may have cushioned the blow after her dad's death with my presence... .  so I guess that may have helped as well.

In any case, my karmic contribution to the relationship was overpaid and I need to seek good energy elsewhere. Any positive energy i tried to pour in to the rs was all for not in the end... .  in order to maintain the rs I would have had to be consciously manipulative at all times... .  who wants to live a life of such personal restraint? Not me anymore.

SP, I really agree with everything you've said and my wise-mind is on the exact same page as yours. Thanks for validating that the fact that I want to do good and i can be idealistic doesnt make me a codependent narcisistic freak a zoid... .  I think when I was painted black, I believed all the exaggerations of my real but human flaws. I do have plenty of things to work on myself... .  and this rs was holding me back from it. My exwBPD always said "you need to take care of yourself" and "go hang out w your friends" and I think she knew how badly she has affected me and it caused her great shame because ultimately she had little control, what an awful state of mind to be in. I can't be around something so sad all the time.

I think most of our exes confused us with these moments of clarity where they realized how this rs affected us in negative ways... .  or maybe I was lucky (or unlucky to this extent). Just made it so much more confusing for me... .  because she really went out of her way to prove to me that she did truly care about me... .  especially right after gutting me. And she did... .  that's what made it so sick.

We only have a limited amount of time in this life, so I agree let's put our energy in to things that can actually create win-win situations. No more of this double-bind nonsense. I'm appreciating your optimism as I try and finish this project Im working on that can actually create win-wins:)

I was starting to really worry that trying to succeed and be ambitious was me being selfish. But it truly isn't about the money for me... .  I need to find that forward thinking energy again, but be conscious and mindful so I can be fully invested in what I am doing. These responses of yours are highly conscious and self-aware... .  and hopefully I can reach the acceptance that you are clearly gaining during your self-improvement process... .  my friend. Peace and wisdom comes from accepting what is.

Stoic

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