Do you believe the BPD's victim stories?

[rogerroger]

I still don't know which, if any, of her stories of abuse were true. I know that many were sheer fabrications, and some were, at best, exaggerations. Many stories were progressively embellished over time, and she would insist that she didn't feel comfortable telling me everything at first. I would not be surprised to learn this is a common phenomenon.

[PotentiallyKevin]

I am beginning to suspect that the childhood abuse stories are nothing more than fabrications of a disordered mind.

My therapist told me to be careful what I believed because virtually every client with BPD that she treated had these such stories of abuse. I am three years removed from the BPD relationship, and I am sure my ex has concocted all sorts of stories to her new love interests about how horrible of a person I am. BPD is a highly fantastical disorder where facts and evidence don't seem to hold their weight.

[charred]

I can remember being around my dad (NPD) while he tried to make up stories to tell other people... .  if the BPD people put in the same effort (and I think my pwBPD was much better at it than my dad)... then the stories are just that, stories. Something happened to make them weird... .  and as I said, my exBPDgf gave a story of being picked on as a kid, and it didn't have much embellishment, appeared genuine to me... .  didn't change when she mentioned it years later... so suspect its true. But the "abuse" stories, changed and didn't pass the smell test.

My pwBPD... had a bad habit of redefining words... like "cheating"... we all know what that means... but to her "cheating" was going to another person for consoling, so if I had a bad day and was talking on the phone to my exwife and mentioned it and she said "there there"... .  that was "cheating."  No big deal, except that then she went to all her friends/family and ranted about how I was cheating on her with my exwife... .  and that is the sort of thing I came to expect from her. So... do I believe the stories... .  NO, did some probably happen... .  no doubt, however when the source is a proven world class liar... all statements are suspect, and have to be considered untrue, till proven otherwise.

[tailspin]

It's the stories of abuse that my ex didn't say that I believe; I've seen how cruel his family is.  He would tell me stories as they happened to a "neighbor."  There's no telling what he truly endured.  I think he would rather deny anything happened at all than admit how cruel his mother really is.

I'm sure some are fabricating their victimization; I'm sure some stories are the truth.  Their truths won't set you free, though.  Regardless of what we believe happened to them... .  the real story is what happened to us.

tailspin

[oglobaith]

From the perspective of a loving adoptive mum in my experience there are a lot of lies told to somehow elicit sympathy.  My dd has had numerous relationships lasting from a few days to 2 years, and all her bf have been told horror stories about her upbringing.  This has come to light when her dad and I have been needed for some reason (we are the only constants in her life), and the bf looks at us disbelievingly.  She often tells them that she has no family and that her parents are dead, and in a recent court struggle initiated by our desire to protect our grandchildren, had it not been for top legal help and the prayers of many friends we would have been denied contact with them altogether. She told such lies in court that we were seen as 'dangerous' , but she invited us out for Nando's immediately after the last hearing! I doubt if there are many people with BPD who don't do this, and it does make you wonder about the research which suggests that a lot of people with the disorder were abused in some way as children.  Our daughter was certainly not abused - she was pampered if anything, but goodness knows how many people she has lied to about her upbringing.

[findingmyselfagain]

I personally don't know if I believe the BPD's stories, but I believe that she believes them. How can you have a stable relationship with someone who is extremely insecure, with extreme fears of getting close AND a fear of being left? Who is free from their perceptions? Who do they trust? If you're very insecure, what doesn't seem like a threat? The best I could get from her is that we was trying to do better but "something bad" always happened. She had "battles to fight." Every single day was a struggle for her. If someone didn't IM her in a few minutes, she spent hours and hours wondering if she had offended them and trying to figure it out. I don't doubt that life was very difficult for her. But, was she really and truly abused? I was told by her FORMER best friend that though her 2nd exH was kind of a case, my ex is the one who started all the fights. She told me several times that her first exH withheld sex from her for 6 months b/c she wasn't good enough. Whatever that might mean. That's a terrible way to treat someone. I don't doubt that she was taken advantage of or treated poorly at times. Sometimes pwBPDs do get involved with genuinely bad people. But on the whole I don't believe they are as abused as they believe they are. The victim story can work so well on getting affection and attention. And possibly drama is their "normal"? My ex's family had their fair share of unhealthy behavior. I wouldn't say they were the poster family for true love and affection or fun.

I used to worry about her perception of me, but now I know it isn't true. I was a good mate, and likely she knew it. We shouldn't have to "prove ourselves" and jump through hoops for love. Wasn't that what it really felt like? What or who were we really in love with? Why is it hard to give up something so damaging and false?

[TheDude]

I don't doubt my ex's claims of dysfunction in her childhood - in fact, that does explain many aspects of who she has become as an adult. What does leave me scratching my head is her view of the great injustices perpetrated on her in her adult relationships. Nothing is ever her fault. Ever. The classic victim. And I, of course, the ever-willing rescuer, or was, anyway... .  

[oglobaith]

I don't doubt my ex's claims of dysfunction in her childhood - in fact, that does explain many aspects of who she has become as an adult. ]

This is a genuine question - how is it you don't doubt her claims of childhood dysfunction yet you do of her perceptions of adult injustices?  :)o you not think that unless you have concrete evidence of childhood injustices, it would be better to reserve judgement?  I'm speaking from the side of parents who feel they have done all they could and tried their best to be good parents but still have their BPD children accusing them of all sorts in their childhood. I sure understand how one would like to see the reason for the complexities in BPD relationships, but to me, after 27yrs of trying to fathom it out, I think these are far more complex and varied than can be understood.  BPD can't be always the result of a messed up childhood as our circumstances prove - I think there must be many contributing factors and the perceptions of the person are part of this.  

Sorry - not sure how to unquote!

Hope you don't mind me pointing that out.

[TheDude]

oglobaith - I don't mind you pointing that out at all. True, I have no way of verifying anything she's said about her childhood. For what it's worth, her stories aren't of the horrific nature (depending on how you look at it, or compared to stories I've heard from others over the years), and have been consistent over our seven year history. In the bigger picture, though, I'm not really sure how much that matters anyway. Being that I'm now trying very hard to shift my focus to myself, what truth there is (or isn't) to her perception of her childhood is largely irrelevant. What's clear about her is that she's "broken". Sorting out fact from fiction about her past isn't going to change anything - it just keeps me stuck with focus on HER symptoms. That's become very exhausting.

I understand your perspective, though. It does add food for thought.

[Wimowe]

I believed my uBPDxgf's memories of childhood sexual abuse.  Regarding her accounts of adult love relationships, I kept in mind that there were two sides to the story.

However, it's helpful to distinguish two senses of victim.

People subjected to harm and trauma are true victims.  Someone subjected to severe abuse as a child will likely suffer the effects (PTSD, etc.) as an adult.  As a child, that person was a victim.  They had no choice.

Being a victim is also a posture. As adults, people abused as children have a choice whether or not to accept responsibility (but not fault or blame) for themselves, their wounds, and their lives.  They can choose to invoke their childhood wounds and trauma to avoid that responsibility and continue to blame others/the world for their problems.

Or they can choose to pursue healing and happiness, and live their lives as best they can.  They can choose to accept life on life's terms.

[Tim300]

This is something that has been bothering me for quite a while. I have read dozens, if not hundreds of accounts of BPD's being the victims of horrible childhood abuse. However, based on the very elaborate fabrications that my BPD ex told about me, I am beginning to suspect that the childhood abuse stories are nothing more than fabrications of a disordered mind.

I have read several accounts of parents of BPD children here on this forum that have had to deal with the false accusations of their children, often directed at the parents, grandparents, siblings, teachers, counselors, etc. There is frequently no evidence of the abuse whatsoever, but the target's life is destroyed nonetheless, even if they are exonerated.

Is there anyone else that suspects that these "childhood victimization stories" are pure fabrication? Have you given it any consideration?

Original Poster,

I'm with you 100%.  I strongly suspect that my BPD's accounts of childhood abuse are sheer fabrications of a disordered mind, combined with having been fed false information by her BPD mother about her Non dad.  Granted, she might actually believe deep down that she was subjected to abuse.  Abused or not, it is odd that she is so readily eager to tell of her abuse and her status as a victim (25 years after the alleged abuse, mind you).  I imagine that most Nons who were abused don't broadcast their victim status like this.  It's like the pwBPD has read a textbook on how to play the BPD card, or perhaps the pwBPD gets diagnosed with BPD at some point and then a mental health professional explains to the pwBPD that she is disordered because her father "abandoned" her and she must have been abused as a child.  This all goes to the nature versus nurture debate with BPD.  I believe that nature is 95% of the cause of BPD, but I think that BPDs and mental health professionals prefer to say that nurture causes BPD.  If you were a pwBPD, wouldn't you like to believe that nurture caused it and not nature?        

[clydegriffith]

I don't believe anything the BPDx says. She is a pathological liar that will say anything to get people to feel sorry for her.

I think the mental health community is too quick to blame every single thing on some sort of "childhood trauma".

[hergestridge]

My exwife used to talk about her childhood "trauma" all the time. It was a source of constant conflict, because I could never give her the validation she nedded. I just didn't think the events in question sounded very traumatic to be honest, but to her they were like objectively traumatizing events that had harmed her for life and for which she ought to have an excuse from those involved. These were:

1. Having to spend summer vacations abroad with her dad's relatives. Only thing to do was to watch tv and she missed mum.

2. Two boys called her "fat" in the schoolyard when she was 9. This went on for a year. They later became friends. She is till bitter that teachers and parents "did nothing".

3. For three years (ages 9-11) she had a teacher she didn't like and that once threw her out of the classroom. Her parents didn't support her in her campaign to have the teacher fired.

Edit:

Even if the illness comes from some sorts of childhood dysfunction, pwBPD seem hell bent on aqcuiring some sort of "trauma" to attribute their ill feelings to.

[charred]

I really don't know.

But since much of what she said was a lie, have to assume the stories are only half truths as well. Since we were not around at the time and don't know, don't think we will know the truth. She was a stranger to the truth anyway... .and very literally lacked any integrity... as in was not an integrated whole person.

Do know that other people believed the things she said when she painted me black. Wish I had bailed on the r/s the first or even tenth time that happened. Glad its over now.

Do you want to believe that bad things happened to them?

[Deeno02]

I dont know what I believe. She also said she loved me and that worked out so well... .

[Sofie]

This topic really, really strikes a chord with me - I have been wondering so much up about this in the aftermath of my break-up with my exBPD partner.

My partner claimed to have been sexually abused by her father and several other men. (The following part may be disturbing, just a word of warning... .)

Her stories included being systematically gang raped, drugged, beaten, tortured, abused and made to watch hardcore porn movies from an early age. To make a very long story short, I know for certain that some of the things she claimed took place can't have taken place due to dates, places, people, and timelines not adding up.

I do believe, though, that she was the victim of sexual abuse, just not to the horrific extent she claims to be. She would write up detailed descriptions of the abuse that she had been subjected to that she would ask me to read - initially, when I believed her stories, I saw this as a sign that she needed to share what she had been subjected to in order to be able to recover and cope with her childhood experiences. As time went on and I began to note marked inconsistencies in her stories, I got the gut feeling, though, that the accounts were not as much details of real experiences, but rather her own rape fantasies. There was also a certain sense of... .enjoyment... .in her recounting of the stories that I thought was extremely creepy, and this disturbed me to no end - especially since the stories got more and more extreme. Our own sex life was never what I in any way would call weird or out of the ordinary, but I have the sinking feeling that she really had these incestuous BDSM fantasies going on that she just did not want to disclose.

So, yeah, I DO believe that she was sexually abused, possibly by her father who I knew to be a violent drunk, but where the reality of that abuse stopped and where her fantasies began, I am really not sure.

[PrettyPlease]

... .where the reality of that abuse stopped and where her fantasies began, I am really not sure.

Good summary. I think of recent research I've seen showing that even in normal people memories are routinely changed during the accessing-repacking process. Maybe this can happen even more strongly in a mind that has a basic dysfunction at the core -- like a BPD mind.

OTOH, my uBPDexgf only rarely recalled, over several decades that I knew her, two or three horrific incidents with her father, and these stayed relatively the same in their details. And, she several times voiced a deep fear that other things had happened to her that she couldn't remember because she was in denial about them. And I can report that she was an expert in denial in her day-to-day life, so I consider that quite possible.

In other words it seems likely to me that there was some severe abuse back there that the memory was based on. If so, then such a memory could play out differently in different people -- in repression rather than exaggeration.

So generalizing about which way memory is handled in BPD people -- do they tell us things that didn't happen? Or do they suppress things that did happen? -- might be accurate sometimes, but IMO sometimes not, and we'll have a hard time distinguishing the two.