International Divorce - Progress Report

[Jai Yen]

Great advice LnL. I want my kids to develop better ways of dealing with and heading manipulative people off at the pass. My D17 is learning to set boundaries. She originally planned to go to dinner with stbx this evening but declined after the crap she pulled last night. She simply told her she was tired and had homework. Stbx accepted it. I think kids can become empowered if they set and maintain boundaries. I'll get both kids in to see a T as soon as possible. S16 definitely needs work in the boundary setting department. Also, I'm going to get the Walking on Eggs Shells book for them. Stbx leaves this Saturday- can't wait!

[Forestaken]

Jai Yen:

Like you, I am in the middle of a high conflict international divorce (Mexico) with 2 kids (now D19, S22).  The "situation" started hitting "critical" nine years ago.

However, my s2bx is a low-functional uBPD+dOCD.  My children have been very supportive of me and very cold to their momster. 

There a second part of the boundry equation and that is who should be taking care of who.  I explained to my children that I do not expect them to take care of me at this point in their lives.  It was my responsibilities to take care of them.  I used "first person" because I knew I could not use "mom".  It would be too direct.

The kids knew what I meant and understood that their mother had issues that she refused to address.  With teenagers, the points have to be indirect but short.  Let them talk, try not to appear judgemental.  The ideas have to be constructed by them, you just need to supply the materials.

[Jai Yen]

Fortunately stbx is with the kids several times a year for only 2~4 weeks. After she leaves a calm falls over the land if you know what I mean. The kids both clearly recognize their mother brings on the chaos. I provide the calm. This is hows its been most of their lives. Fortunately, I raised them. She's influenced them to be sure but not to the point that they can't recover.

Dealing with PDs is hard enough for adults. Teenagers are dealing with plenty of too many of their own issues to be manipulated and cajoled by their own mother. I've carefully let them in on what is likely the matter with their mother. I explained in a clinical way and provided them with websites and other materials. I tell them not to mention to her that she has a problem as this will cause more problems for you. In other words, her problem is just that - her problem. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. The only one you can change is you. I think overall, even witnessing the drastic measures I've taken to extract myself from this marriage, the kids are doing fine. I'll continue to provide them the resources they need to find healthy ways to deal with their mother in the future. My hope is what they learn through this experience will serve them well with all their future relationships.

[maggie01]

Hello, I am writing here since my divorce is taking place in Italy.  I  just would like to say that I think something should be done at international level to make aware therapists about this pathology, especially those that have to take a stand in tribunals on child custody cases. Most therapist don't even know how to spot a borderline/psychopath and always take their side, because they fall into their trap, while we try to explain the terror we have been through. Instead of believing us, therapists interpret our concerns as a bad disposition from our part towards the ex husband (psychopath)/father of the child. I think it's about time that the public becomes aware of this issue, because after all, I don't see why we, the victims, should seek a therapist while the torturer (ie. the psychopath) is the one in real need of psychiatric care. I also think it's time to regularly introduce in civil cases the fmri and neurological tests, to prove that there is some physical deficiency in the psychopath's brain, even if this proof is still controversial. At least it would introduce some doubts about their sanity and give us more leverage in order to get preventive measures for the safety of our children.

Concerning these neurological tests, do you know some specialized psychiatrist in Europe that is able to  carry forward these medical examinations?  The other test (Rorhschas, ecc... .  are completely useless with psychopaths).  Sorry for my bad english, it's not my mother tongue.

[maggie01]

I just wanted to add to my previous post that I am referring to husband/ father psychopath and borderline because I am a woman, but my post applies as well to wifes/ mothers that have the same pathology.

Thank you.

[Jai Yen]

Maggie01, I have no idea of how to get a test done that would prove that a person has a PD. Part of the reason it's been so hard for me through the years is my s2bx seems relatively normal to outsiders. In the house, like you, I've dealt with unbelievable behavior. I just discovered BPD about a year ago. Up until that time I made all sorts of excuses for her behavior - menopause, depression, cultural issues etc... .  Once I learned she likely had a PD I started to plan my divorce.

I thought about divorcing her 100s of times before but given the age of our kids I was worried the courts would award her custody and she would take the kids back to Japan. Japan is terrible when it comes to foreigners rights in family law cases. I wasn't willing to risk that. I'm glad now but I put up with far too much over the years. It's not over yet but getting closer day by day.

Are you worried your husband will get custody? You must not be Italian? Also your kids must be very young. I know of American men after they divorce in Japan taking their kids back to the US secretly so the Japanese wife has to come to the US to fight for custody in US courts. Can you and the kids "escape" to your country?

[Jai Yen]

I had my first business meeting with my STBXw since she returned to Japan. The same STBXw I had served both divorce papers and an order of protection in the airport during a recent visit. She was not able to stay at our house. The no contact and order of protection were officially put away today- for now anyway. We agreed to continue the business. Our meeting went OK. She was trying very hard to keep me engaged longer than was needed. I understand. I stood my ground and told her we're really not talking about anything new and closed the meeting.

Her L emailed her a bunch of financial documents I prepared - a balance sheet (with recently appraised RE values), monthly expense report for the kids and me, an a P&L on our shared business and our rentals. She wanted me to explain these documents to her. She claims her L didn't understand them. I almost took the bait. I told her that divorce is a process not a one-time event. BTW when are you allowed to consider yourself divorced? Am I divorcing?

My L reminds me that it is important to disentangle financially sooner than later. I want to. Dividing assets and defining how to continue the business with safeguards for me to exit sooner than later if things go south again is really important... .  Once all the asset values are in place (need values from her end) I want to go through our Ls to negotiate a settlement. It's going to take some work but we'll get there. Fortunately, custody of the kids is a nonissue. How did this process go for you all?