Hello

[trin2sa]

I am an adult daughter of a mother with BPD.  I have known something was wrong since I was a child but never knew what it was until about 10 years ago.  I never knew I had a problem until I realized I could not due anything without her knowing about it and gaining her approval before hand.  This is even more of a problem considering we live in different states and she always had to know... .   I started to get some help for my own problems and it was brought to my attention that she was more than the typical, "it's because of your mother" Freudian theory, and she truly was the source.  Here we are now fast forward a few years and a lot of years of healing for me and she can't stand it or my new life.  It has been a few months now since we have spoken at all and years since there has been a conversation without us both being on such high guard that we can't find  a topic we agree on.  I am here to find more confidence in my decision to "divorce" her and determine if it is just her I need to cut out or do I need to cut out Dad and the rest of the family that fully supports her and feeds into her lies and manipulation. There are some major family events coming up soon and I'm not sure where or if I fit in anymore.  

[ambi]

Hi trin2sa:

  It sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking about things.  You have some good insights.  Setting and holding boundaries with parents can be really tough. 

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence  is a good workshop that talks setting and having to defend boundaries.  It's a good place to start feeling more confident about holding your boundaries. 

There are a lot of folks here who will be able to understand where you're coming from and share experiences and insights.  I'm glad you found bpdfamily.com.

ambi

[InaMinorRole]

You must feel very hurt and betrayed by the other family members who appear to be siding with her against you.

Be careful that you aren't reading more into that than what's there. You may need to talk to them directly to find out what they really feel. Don't assume that because they still seem to get along with her that they think she's completely fine and you're the problem. They may be doing a great job of acting for the sake of not rocking the boat.  Also, they don't know all the facts until you tell them, if you choose to do so.

Lots of times people go into a sort of Stockholm Syndrome when they are in relationship with a bully (which BPD is like). It's a method of self preservation where in order to keep things from escalating out of control they just go along, and begin to think it's perfectly fine. Anybody looking from the outside can see it's disturbed, however. So it's possible they're in denial about the whole thing, and it's not your fault.