Won't say i love you when angry

[Chattgirl]

My bp wont say i love you when hanging up the phone or going somewhere when he is angry. He says its because he doesnt want to be taken advantage of. I grew up always saying bye i love you no matter how angry i was.  I have been trying to set healthy boundaries for me and my bp. It makes me feel bad to say i love you and get no response kinda like im begging. Anyway what i need help with is deciding the healthy way to deal with this for both of us. I would like him to get better in this area but thats probably just wishful thinking. Bps allready doubt our love so im not sure how the right way is to respond. Should i stop saying it a while myself during these episodes or still say it and pretend i dont notice when he doesnt? I dont want to look ridiculous but i also dont want to do anything to make our problems worse. Im just not sure how to handle this.

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[CodependentHusband]

I understand exactly how you feel. I quit saying, "I love you," with the expectation of hearing it back from my dBPDw. My wife knows that she is withholding validation from me (or, as hard as it is to take at first, she really doesn't feel like she loves me at specific points in time). Like you have described, I can count on never hearing the following phrase come from my wife's mouth, "I am angry at you, but I love you." I don't think that the BPD mind is capable of thinking that way. The anger is black and the love is white, therefore it cannot exist at the same time. It is a limitation in the thought process. There is nothing we can do about that limitation at the root; however, as a non we have a great deal of control over this situation when it occurs. Yes... .  I admit, it would be nice to get that validation from my dBPDw on a consistent basis, but asking her to do something that she really and truly isn't capable of is setting the stage for failure in my opinion.

So, I don't tell my wife, "I love you" nearly as often as I used to... .  this accomplishes several things though... .  1. I don't feel rejected, because I take away the opportunity to feel rejected by her over this. It sounds silly, but with a lot of practice, you would be amazed at how effective this approach is. 2. I give my wife more space (which she seems to need to not feel engulfed, especially when she has me painted black). 3. I know that I love her, even if I don't tell her. 4. Perhaps most important of all is that I accept that I will not be validated by my wife, unfortunately, in my times of greatest need. Fighting off feelings of resentment over this is critical in my opinion, and, yes, it takes a lot of practice.


Hang in there! I'm sorry that things are like that for you as well. It took a lot of practice to make things better for myself over this, but I'm convinced that if I can do it, then most others can do it too. Stay strong!

[schwing]

I don't know if this will help to understand our BPD loved one's disorder better, but as I understand "splitting" behavior, when they are angry at us, when they *devalue* us, they cannot recall the love that they once felt for us.  All they feel is the anger or disappointment or whatever devaluing emotions they feel at that moment.  And at that moment it is as if that is all they have ever felt for us.  But once their emotions change, once they start to *idealize* us, then and only then can they recall the love, attachment, and positive emotions.

For us who are not disordered, we can hold simultaneously the different emotions we feel towards our BPD loved ones.  They cannot.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Auspicious]

Same thing with my dBPDw - she cannot say "I love you" when angry at me. If she responds at all, it will be "I know you do", or even "thank you".

I interpret it the same way that schwing and CodependentHusband explain below ... .  she can't handle the emotional complexity of remembering (or expressing, anyway) that she loves me when she is very angry at me.


I handle it by just steering a steady course myself ... .  obviously I am not going to try to get all lovey dovey when she is sizzling with anger at me, but I will say "good night; I love you" and that sort of thing. Not saying that this is the best way, but that's what I do.