Won't stop calling me

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My DBPD sister will not stop calling me. It is getting to the point that she is calling 2x a day every day. I don't answer and she sometimes leaves messages and sometimes not. I haven't been in contact with her for a while now, but, last week we had a very bad storm in the Northeast, so she called to see if we were OK. My husband finally answered the phone (after she called lots that day) and I got on the phone thinking she would stop calling if we just talked to her. BIG mistake. Now it is increasing and I don't know what to do. I am mad at myself for giving in, but, I was hoping it would help. Now the guilt is even worse (she is also pregnant). I am so stressed out, and I am now getting pressure from relatives to be in touch with her. Any advice would be so appreciative. Thanks!

[gcm]

My DBPD sister will not stop calling me. It is getting to the point that she is calling 2x a day every day. I don't answer and she sometimes leaves messages and sometimes not. I haven't been in contact with her for a while now, but, last week we had a very bad storm in the Northeast, so she called to see if we were OK. My husband finally answered the phone (after she called lots that day) and I got on the phone thinking she would stop calling if we just talked to her. BIG mistake. Now it is increasing and I don't know what to do. I am mad at myself for giving in, but, I was hoping it would help. Now the guilt is even worse (she is also pregnant). I am so stressed out, and I am now getting pressure from relatives to be in touch with her. Any advice would be so appreciative. Thanks!

[frankief]

Can you block her number? Or if she's calling your cell set her ring to silent?

[gcm]

Can you block her number? Or if she's calling your cell set her ring to silent?

Good thinking! I am not sure how to block her number, but I have her ring tone set to silent. It is just makes me anxious every time she calls because when she leaves voicemails, it is always some sort of emergency and begs me to call her back. When i give in and call her, it is for nonsense! So frustrating! Thanks for listening.   

[frankief]

My uBPD father does/did the same thing. He would call and call and call until I picked up the phone and then would have nothing to talk about. Now I'm NC so I ignore everything, but my stress levels spike just seeing his name! So I understand how you feel.

Sometimes to block a number you have to pay to do that and go through the phone company. It sounds like you don't want to do that yet. I haven't blocked my dad because my grandmother (his mother) is very old and I'm worried that I won't find out about her having an emergency if I can't at least get voicemails or emails from him. The thing is, other family member will contact you if there is a real emergency. So I would let that responsibility go. And what can you actually do for her in a true emergency? She'll need to call 911 anyway.

It's awful how our pwBPDs make normal things like phones ringing total stress inducers. I still get kind of tense whenever a phone rings but it's gotten much less over the years sicne my father attempts contact very minimally. Good luck!

[hadenoughmum]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It feels like such a violation when they call over and over because you are trying to give a clear message by not answering that is just being ignored. I know in Australia cell phone providers don't block individual numbers which means for me, my choices are to change my number or jump every time the phone rings.

I understand what you're going through with the messages claiming an emergency, my mother does the same thing. Most recently she called and left several messages and texts regarding an "extreme and severe metabolic disorder" that is genetic that she has just been "diagnosed" with. Apparently this explains her symptoms better than BPD and since it's genetic I need to be tested immediately or my health could be in immediate danger. After googling what she was talking about (without responding to her) it turns out she is talking about something that has been rejected by the mainstream medical community, is not tested for unless you buy a test online and furthermore she suffers from absolutely zero of the supposed physical symptoms, only the mental ones, which fits much better with her therapist diagnosis of BPD. I should also mention that even the natropaths claiming that this disorder exists say absolutely nothing about it being any kind of emergency to treat and I am 38 weeks pregnant, not really an appropriate time to be stressing out about genetic disorders, even if I were the type to believe her without asking my own GP (who has dismissed the idea of testing, for the record).

I guess that not answering feels like rejection to your sister and my mother so they have to create dramas that you would feel guilty to ignore. I reassure myself that if it really is an emergency and she can't get onto me she will try someone else who can help. There's personally nothing I can do anyway, I live too far away, and if she's truly sick or in danger she knows the number for ambulance and police as well as anyone else. Other than that there are rarely situations that require IMMEDIATE attention. I still haven't called my mother back, I made a commitment to myself that I would only speak to her once a month and regardless of how many times she thinks she needs to let me know that my life is in danger I know it can wait another 3 days until it's the time I have set aside to call her. I'm hoping that eventually she will get the message and look for a target with better listening ears.

[gcm]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It feels like such a violation when they call over and over because you are trying to give a clear message by not answering that is just being ignored. I know in Australia cell phone providers don't block individual numbers which means for me, my choices are to change my number or jump every time the phone rings.

Thank you for your replies everyone. I am SO angry still. I am trying so hard with therapy, meditation, etc., but, she just triggers me very badly. I keep having flashbacks of certain situations when we were younger. It is really weird. They come out of nowhere. My T said I am suffering from PTSD. It makes sense  now that I have talked to someone about all of this.  I am at the point where I would like to change my number and just never talk to her again, but, I am angry that I even have to do that.  She has called me 3 times today. I haven't answered her calls since I posted last week.  So frustrated!   :/