Do you tell other people?

[Elfie]

I'm new here, so quick intro - I have an uBPD younger brother, 19 y.o.

Something I've been wondering is, do you tell other people in your life that your relative is a (or is suspected) pwBPD? In many cases, it seems that even if you suspect that someone has BPD, you don't tell *that person*, as they wouldn't take it well at all. But what about your friends/family members/other people?

I'm struggling a little bit with the balance of privacy vs being too isolated and not having a support system and being able to spread knowledge about BPD. It's difficult to talk to and relate to friends if they don't know the turmoil that's going on in your life, but at the same time, the few times I've tried to bring up BPD with friends, it hasn't really gone well (they haven't seemed to understand). Do you hide it from friends and only speak to therapists, etc? Or do you share with only a few close people? Does it depend a lot on your situation and what relation the pwBPD is to you (parent, child, other relative)?

[frankief]

I think for a lot of people hearing about a pwBPD is really over whelming. Like when I first started talking about my uBPD father's crazy and scary behavior it was hard for my friends to handle. I was also really angry and reeling from what was happening (background - I think me going to college triggered a "bad" period for my dad, fear of abandonment and all that - he had an affair (one of many) my mother found out and fed up wanted a divorce - then several family members died in a short period of time which really set off some crazy behavior from my dad - he was basically in a BPD rage for a few years) and I don't think they really understood what I was dealing with even though they were very sympathetic. The friends who have had parents or family members who are mentally ill were the most helpful. But you do learn that you can't open up to just anyone, even if they seem concerned and sympathetic.

I think the best thing to do is find a couple of trusted friends and explain the situation to them. They won't really know what to say but just tell them that sometimes you just need to vent or get a hold of reality (since gaslighting and guilt tripping are common). But in general I think it's OK to just say you have a strained relationship with your relative and it's because their behavior is crazy making and very hurtful without going into specifics. And you can say, that you are trying to respect the relative's right to privacy so that's all you're going to say about it. But with a couple of close friends, I think you do have a right to talk honestly and openly with what you are dealing with but express to them that because you want to maintain a relationship with your brother, you need them to keep your chats private. Also, a therapist is a great place to unload, as well as here.

As for me, I'm NC with my dad now and I don't hide what his issues are with people who I am close to. But for the purposes of dealing with the general public (coworkers, friendly acquaintances) I just say I'm estranged from my father because he has a lot of issues. If they press me, I tell them he has major anger management issues and it's healthier for me to keep my distance. People usually drop it after that.

[InaMinorRole]

You need your little support team that you can talk to. Other than that the information is on a need-to-know basis. If a certain friend doesn't encounter your brother behaving in a disturbing way then that friend doesn't need to be spoken to. I told people very little about my situation with my mother until after both she and my father had passed away.

Frankly, friends are not that good in this situation. You really need someone to talk to who knows what BPD is and how it affects other family members. I found that the minute I would start trying to tell someone about what my mother was doing the other person would jump in with a complaint about their mother, like it was time for us to sit there and dish. I imagine you get the same thing. If you try to tell people your brother is doing this or that, they probably start telling you about how annoying their brother is, when it's not the same thing at all.

[GeekyGirl]

I agree with the others. Having a therapist who understands BPD is incredibly helpful. At the same time, it's good to have a whole network of support.

What's worked for me is not sharing much with acquaintances or casual friends (and nothing with co-workers), but being honest and open with the close friends who understand BPD (I have a couple of friends who work in the mental health field) and people I'm very close to (DH and a few others). It's not a substitute for therapy, so I don't get deep into my feelings or my mother's disorder, but if they ask, I'll be honest and tell answer their questions openly and honestly.

Who you tell is completely up to you. People who don't understand BPD may not understand your brother's behavior, so it's not surprising that your friends don't seem to understand what's going on.

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi Elfie,

I struggled with this question for YEARS.  My husband was my best friend growing up, and I didn't even tell him until I was 19.  When he would ask "Where's your mom?" when we were kids, I'd say "at a business meeting", but she'd actually been in a lockdown psych ward.  Part of my difficulty was that I felt so violated and ashamed when my mom would make it known to people around me.  For example, she would phone my high school and notify all of my teachers that she was about to die of anorexia.  It was really humiliating, and I wanted to be as seperate from it all as posisble.

Now I have a good support system, and am very open about it.  I have even told a few people whom I trust at work.  I don't announce it every chance that I get, but it is a lot easier for me to express things through that lens.  When people say, "You're so kind, you must have had a great childhood,"  Rather than meekly smile and run to the bathroom choking back tears and shaking, I'm now able to say "Actually, my parents were both very mentally ill, but they did the best they could." 

The best part about it is that when my BPDmom has a tough spell, and it affects me, I can talk to people about it.  I can call my friends and go out for coffee.  I can talk to my husband.  And most of all, I can talk to my wonderful T- bless his heart!  He is great and totally on the ball with respect to BPD behaviour.  He has been essential in my healing process.  For me, opening up has been one of the most healing things.  It has taken a lot of work to get to this point, mind you!

[mosaicbird]

I tell the people who are close enough to me to be affected by its ongoing effects on my own behavior. Otherwise I don't think it's really anyone's business or that they need to know, unless BPD and personality disorders are something they have an interest in, in which case I might discuss it.

My partner believed me, but didn't realize how bad it was until an incident one morning after we stayed overnight with her... .  she couldn't find her keys, and had one of her screaming and throwing things and shouting about how she was worthless and couldn't do anything right and deserved to die fits. OMG. The look on his face... ! My mother is so quiet and withdrawn around people outside the family, he could never have fully imagined it before then. He looked at me and said, "Okay. NOW I understand what you were talking about."

It's a good thing to have someone close that understands... .  He tries a lot to keep me from giving in to the guilt and obligation when I get called on to intervene when she has a crisis. (It doesn't work, but he tries, and it's good to know someone cares about my mental well-being.)

[Odysseus.]

I struggled when my mother was alive with the idea of sharing information about her behaviour.

I needed to share but I soon discovered that it wasn't easy.  When we are so vulnerable, we sort of want to share and let people see the craziness because, as you all know, often it's unbelievable.

But I had to choose people carefully because showing my vulnerability about my mother made me even more vulnerable.  A case in point recently, in fact just before Christmas, was at a dinner with very close friends who know the score and are very understanding.  But there was someone else at the dinner who happened to hear some of my thoughts on my mother and she became reproachful, telling me to respect my mother and accept all her behaviours. She was from a different culture where old age, mothers and family are revered, no matter what.  Very soon I was going into script as she was sounding just like my mother and I was becoming very anxious and justifying myself.

So now, and yes it is all about boundaries even with friends, I keep it on a need-to-know basis.

It is difficult at the moment as she has just died and people that she hasn't seen for years or decades have forgotten her behaviours and insist on telling me how lovely she was - just shows how little they knew her.  But now I don't break their illusion - she is gone and it would only create more issues.

As with your person with BPD, put boundaries in place for your friends and loved one's too.  In the heat of an argument, even your most loved one can throw well-aimed BPD accusations at you.  BOUNDARIES all round!

J x

[Elfie]

It's really interesting to hear all of your thoughts on this. I'm still struggling with it some - on one hand, I want to keep some privacy and not become *too* vulnerable or overshare. On the other hand, I feel like I just want to be able to talk about it with people - I don't want it to be some secret taboo subject that I hide and have fester.

I also sometimes worry that my uBPD brother will unexpectedly die and then - since no one really knows what's going on - I'll really have no support system besides DH and a few close family members.

But, like I said and the rest of you mentioned, many people wouldn't understand about BPD issues anyway, if they haven't heard of or seen before. Even if I've mentioned some of my brother's legal issues to a few close friends, they still don't understand the additional depth and difficulty that the BPD factor adds to it all.

I guess I just wish there were was to somehow overall raise awareness, too.